How to Talk to Your Tween about Dating


By: , – Sarah Mahoney, Family Circle
  :  6 comments   :  15,164 Views

My daughter was 11 when she went to her first school dance. I put on a brave face as she got out of the car in her polka-dot dress (with a denim jacket for her signature swagger). "Have fun," I said, trying to sound airy.
But what I really wanted to say as she disappeared into the crowd of sixth-grade bravado was, "Wait—come back!" She still seemed too young for a middle-school mixer and the awkwardness that accompanied it. I thought about my first dance: standing alone in a corner, not moving, desperately waiting for him to notice me. How did I get from there to dropping off my own daughter at the doorstep of romance? And was there a way to make those girl-meets-boy dramas any less heart crushing? 
Experts say parents can't do much to protect kids from the bumps and bruises of first crushes beyond keeping the lines of communication open and offering comfort. That's no simple task—kids seem to leapfrog from sweet curiosity about the opposite gender to demanding to know when they're allowed to date to holding hands, kissing and more.
"Between the ages of 10 and 13, kids start having crushes and thinking about sexuality and romance, however they envision it," says Marilyn Benoit, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Villanova, Pennsylvania. "Biologically, it's what their bodies are telling them to do—they're in the early stages of puberty. And socially, it's when they learn to negotiate relationships." But there's some good news for mom and dad: Tweens still want to talk to their parents. They value their opinions and rely on them for advice. That's why it's so important to use these years to get closer to your kids while laying the groundwork for healthy relationships during adolescence and beyond, says Benoit. These key tips will keep everyone on the same page.
1. Ask questions.
Many parents assume their tween has no interest in the opposite sex because he or she hasn't said anything about it. They may even know that kids the same age "date," but are convinced that doesn't include their son or daughter. In fact, two-thirds of parents believe they know "a lot" about tweens' relationships, but only 51% of tweens agree—while 20% say mom and dad don't know a thing.
One reason for the disconnect is that parents think of dates as actual physical events—going to the movies, for example, or a dance. Tweens, at least in this century, don't. They socialize online in a way that is invisible to adults, says Jenna Saul, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Marshfield, Wisconsin. "So you have parents thinking their daughter has never dated while according to her, she's on her third boyfriend," she says. "It seems silly to parents but is very real to kids."
To bridge the gap, Saul suggests listening to your kids' conversations when they're on the phone, or when there's a group of them in the car. "Look for openings," she says. "Try saying, 'I heard you and your friends talking about crushes. Is there someone you like? What do you like about him?'" Try the same tactic with online activity: Find out whom she chats with and how that person makes her feel. (Yes, you can also check the chat logs. But the point is to get regular conversations going.)
Click here for more information on tween dating from Family Circle.
More from Family Circle:
Are you ready for tween dating? What has helped your tween? 

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  • 6
    "Tween" DATING?? Are you out of your mind??
    If some randy girl starts showing up at my house after any boy under the age of 16, I'll chase the little slag off with a broom. - 3/27/2014   9:08:46 AM
  • 5
    Dating for tweens? My kids won't be. There's no reason to be dating at that age. I can't believe they have school dances in middle school.. Hey kids don't have sex but lets shove typical instances that cause peer pressure for sex down your throats. - 3/21/2014   8:11:34 PM
    I always talk with my granddaughter about the bird and the bees. So I let her know what's going on. - 6/28/2013   5:00:49 PM
    ya - 6/25/2013   10:31:38 PM
  • 2
    NOT happening at our house! We started the various conversations by the time she was 8. We've talked about what dating is for--in the very old fashioned framework, it used to be courtship, and then dating took over in my lifetime. The goal of both was still preparation for MARRIAGE. Not living together. Not procreating. Not sex for the sake of sex.

    You may say anything you like about me and my viewpoints, but my daughter understands that STD's can't happen if she isn't fooling around physically.

    Friendships are great. Time in groups & various activities is great. But this notion of one-on-one does NOT have to happen just because the hormones are in play.
    She may not agree with me on everything, but she has led the way in challenging some of her friends as to WHY they think that they should date once they start middle school.

    Just recently we were in a dr's office where the subject all came up re. "safe" sex and STD's and physical involvement. I said that those discussions were regularly had at home and we did not need additional medical instruction. -- When we left, I continued the conversation w/ dd & told her that the dr. really did want to make sure she would be "safe" and would know how to handle herself in various situations. I indicated my concern / interest as well. And dd says, "Nothing that pepper spray won't fix if someone doesn't understand NO." Yikes!! : )
    (No, she did not get that from me!)

    - 6/25/2013   8:06:20 PM
  • 1
    Oh, this topic gives me so much anxiety. My daughter is 10. She has told me about crushes but it doesn't sound like she's acted on anything like that yet. So we have really good communication but she is my BABY! I hate to think about her getting hurt or being taken advantage of. So we just talk about it and we talk about puberty and all that tween stuff she's going through. I'm thankful to have a great relationship with my daughter. - 6/25/2013   4:10:46 PM

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