Are you threatened by the lifestyle change your spouse has made? Have you ever said things to your spouse about their lifestyle change that have made him/her feel bad? I have to tell this story that really happened just a few weeks ago. I was having a discussion with a friend we’ll call Sam about my transformation and lifestyle change. He had a lot of questions, which I was happy to answer. But I wasn’t sure where he was going with this line of questions. Finally, we came to the point of his inquiry. He told me about a mutual friend of ours (we'll call him Bob), who is morbidly obese. I had seen Bob myself recently and honestly his poor health broke my heart. Sam told me that Bob had been working on his health a few years back. He had been going to the gym and was trying to eat better. I was super excited to hear this, but I had to ask why he stopped. Apparently he was making some progress and had lost just enough weight for it to be noticeable. That’s when the support at home ended! Bob’s wife had told him she was worried that he was going to lose weight, get sexy and leave her. You can probably guess what he did. He stopped going to the gym and gave up any progress that he had made and gained back all of his weight if not more. This story is devastating to me, absolutely devastating. The more I think about it, the more frustrated I get. I’m confused about why Bob didn’t talk with his wife about the situation to ease her fears. Why didn’t he explain that he was doing it to be a better husband to her? I’m confused about why she would completely sabotage his progress like that. Would she rather see him dead? I suppose situations like this happen more often than I would like to think: spouses (or other loved ones) sabotaging each other for the sake of their own insecurities. Anybody trying to change their life could deal with this at some point of their journey. So how do we deal with this when it happens? As SparkPeople always suggests, before you begin any physical fitness program, seek your doctor’s approval. That way, you and those around you will know how bad your health really is, and maybe the support will be there, right? If Bob’s wife really knew all that his body is going through just to make it through each day, and how sad reality of where he is headed if he continues to neglect his health, maybe she would support him. I would like to suggest to you today that you get your entire family involved in this journey to health. You will find so many rewards with the entire family on the journey with you. How do we get the entire family involved? Here are a few suggestions:
I wonder if I shared these ideas with Bob, would it could have an impact on his approach to regaining his health and easing his wife’s fears? I have to wonder whether Bob’s wife would join him. I wonder if, when told the gravity of the problem, would she be onboard with the changes? Have you ever felt resistance from your spouse, partner or another loved one? How did you deal with the situation?
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I do talk to him about sabotage, he does it unintentionally. He is one of those hyperactive skinny types who can have 10,000 calories a day and just burn it off. He just sleeps less and less, we know because a nutritionist tried to fatten him up in the hospital. 10k calories a day for 48 days, he didn't gain an ounce (everyone hate him for a moment). He forgets I don't burn calories as efficiently, I have to remind him about veggies and portions when he cooks, and that I need to get my exercise in, that hanging out with him isn't "exercise", just heavy breathing. But he does set up my work out gear for me, and doesn't mind that I pay for a gym membership where I can swim, and that I won't allow certain foods in the house. But he still does stuff like bring home maple bars when he knows I'm facing stress; he was very tender the week before I was going in for surgery, and knew I didn't want to fuss with making breakfast. His solution was comfort food. He's so damn sweet, but so misguided some days! Report
In fact, i recently wrote a blog about this very thing - trying to get him onboard... Report
Sometimes the person who is getting healthier is metaphorically holding the mirror up to the partner's face - and the partner is not ready to start their journey to health. So, it's easier to try to push the mirror away by criticizing the other person than to really take a good look in the mirror.
D-E-N-I-A-L is an acronym for --
Don't
Even
Know
I
Am
Lying Report
Wish Bob's wife had supported him, but that is a real and recurrence situation. Hope they have gotten counseling since then. Report
He also tangibly supports my healthier lifestyle by doing things like bringing me coffee in bed every day, even on the days when I work out early and he doesn't, getting up and going for a workout on most of the days I do, participating in races with me, buying healthy food (and hiding, at my request, the treats so I'm not tempted). Report
he admitted his fears & we have been talking baout it Report
such a great blog!! i know others who do not have the support from a spouse or family and it truly makes me wonder if they really LOVE them or if they just don't want to be alone!! Report
These tips don't really help a lot because I am the one who got him into running, and now he runs faster than me and weighs less. And I am the one that started doing this health journey and now he is barely along for the ride but looks amazing. It's just BS and I have so much resentment because of it. Report
Recently though, he found some health information which made him want to change what and how we were eating, so since then I have taken the opportunity to improve my health and fitness. I still have a little while to go, but I am supporting him as well as his health is worse than mine ever was. Report
Expect and anticipate the most common fear. Tell the spouse or family members, show them repeatedly, that getting healthier (and slimmer and sexier) will not change your love for them. Even an offhand joke about eventually getting sexy enough to be attractive to a younger guy/girl can make their fear worse.
Oh, and number 2? Very important! Both for nutrition and for losing the idea food just magically transports itself to their plates - that it has a very real cost and takes some planning to make sure there's enough for a full week (or two). Report