Everyone has their right to their opinion. As a MOTHER I was "disappointed" as I think ANY Mom would be.
I'm sure in the scope of things their are things I could have done better but their was NO reason for her to do what she did because we have never kept her from going out. She had never even been asked out on a date. She was the one doing the chasing; not the boy. If he would have asked her out we would have no reason to tell her no. She's 18....she should be able to date.
I don't think that taking away her privileges was the wrong thing to do. Her privileges were given back Monday. We and she feels like she's learned something from this.
Teens keep secrets......I'm 46 and still don't tell my mom everything.
My daughter is 20 years old now and we have been going through a lot! She moved out when she was 17. And I have really learned through that time that the most important thing is to love our children and take time to listen to them. I also come from a conservative christian background and can absolutely understand that you wanted the best for your children. Just imagine what Jesus would say. I think it will take forgiveness. That is hard. It will be hard for your daughter to forgive herself. But she might also come to realize that she is human, and that we all are sinners - but Jesus is merciful.
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3/23/12 7:08 P
Children never need LOVE more........ than when they absolutely don't deserve it. Remember she still loves you too.... even when she screws up and makes a bad decision.
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9,692 3/23/12 6:44 P
I'm glad she apologized. Teens are good at being self-pitying, so don't fret over the birthday/privileges thing. Maybe work out a deal with her; she can have her things back for that DAY, if she earns them? She'll have to give them back afterwards, but at least then she can have some of her privileges.
Either way, stick to your guns, and know that you're making the right call. You love her, and she knows that.
And ask yourself this: When she's my age, (32) and has kids of her own, what's she more likely to say: "Thanks for making me see that there are consequences to my actions" or "Thanks for letting me get away with murder, mom."
I can tell you what she'll say, because I said it to my mom. You know what else I told my mom, after my first daughter was born?
I cried, and thanked her for loving me so much, because I finally understood.
This too, shall pass.
You care enough to worry, and that tells me you're a great mom.
I'm feeling better now that the shock has worn off. She gave us a letter apologizing for what she had done and how disappointed she was in herself. That being said....she also reminded us her birthday is coming up soon and she'd like to have her privileges back. My husband and I think it's too soon so she's still upset with us for that. I feel like if we give in right away we are not setting a good example. We also have my 13 yo daughter (the one that finally told on her sister) so we need to set boundaries and examples.
I've always felt sorry for my kids because their dad died when they were too young to remember him. I raised them as a single mom until about 3 years ago so...I've always chosen my battles carefully because its hard being Mom & Dad.
We are going to be fine and I was not in any way a good teenager. We just explained to her again that we love her and just want her to know that there are consequences to everything you do.
AND TODAY MY SON TURNS 21! wew Of course he's at college and I don't even want to think about where he'll go tonight to celebrate. :(
I could never and still cannot talk to my mom either so I do try to keep the doors open with my girls. Sometimes they tell me more than I even want to know :)
You're going through a very hard time. Just remember, so is she.
I, like Dragonchilde, could have been her at 18. Then I REALLY rebelled. I did everything I wouldn't have thought I would do. Well, maybe not everything, but too much. I regret it all.
The one thing I never felt was that I could have confessed any of it to my mom and would have been forgiven. She was always judgemental about that stuff.
Though I personally think your punishment was right on the money, also be her safe harbor, and someone she can talk to. Not her "friend," necessarily, but at least so that she knows your support is there, and that you will love her no matter what. As a parent, you know that you will, but make sure she knows it too.
My 12 year old is a pretty amazing kid. She is also good at hiding things. (Well, she thinks) but she comes to us and talks now, and we do our best to just HELP (and of course, we are her parents and if it is something we have to handle, we do) but we also try to support her and talk to her, so that she knows that she can always come to us. I usually talk to her about the issues of sex once a week, and things. I use "teaching moments" more than anything else. I just never want her to feel she can't come to us.
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1,561 3/21/12 11:15 A
I think sometimes we have to force ourselves to see our kids as separate from ourselves and treat them/react to them as you would your niece/nephew/best friend's child.
You still want to be a safe harbor for her and not a reminder of her failings.
You've given me great advice to live by. This is my first experience with this situation and I have to be careful not to condemn her for it. I was no angel growing up either but you always want your children to do better.
We WILL get through this :)
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9,692 3/20/12 1:09 P
Don't be disappointed in her for being human. We all make mistakes. The harder you come down on her, the harder she may push back. Remember that she is a young woman now, no longer the child she used to be.
She made a stupid decision... several of them. I think your consequences are fine, too. But one thing I think you need to focus on is providing her a way to come "back" from her mistake. Don't punish without giving her a way to redeem herself.
Don't beat yourself, or her, up for this. When I was a teen, I could totally have been her. Abstinent, Christian, goody-two shoes. I made up for lost time later. I never seriously rebelled, but I did things like hiding my boyfriend from my mom, because I didn't want the lecture.
Fortunately, I turned out okay.
But it's important to remember that part of being a teenager is making dumb decisions. We all did it. Her mind is all wrapped up in hormones and love, and love makes us do silly things. Even as grownups, we're not immune to that effect.
Forgive her, love her, and remind her that she is still worth you and your love. Even if you think she knows it, tell her. Kids can beat themselves up far worse than we can. I work with teens and tweens regularly, in a way most parents don't get to. I see them when they let their hair down and talk to each other without grownups around.
What I see is terrifying.
Be there for her. Just remember that you can measure her childhood in months, now. Don't blow them being mad at her.
Edited by: DRAGONCHILDE at: 3/20/2012 (13:16)
3/20/12 1:06 P
Hmm. I'm the parent of a HS student and sneaking out to meet a boy at 18 is not uncommon. I'd be more concerned that she only knows this guy from the internet and has not had a boyfriend to this point. She may be really naive and have gotten in over her head or been exploited by this boy. In that case, berating her for betraying your/her Christian values and punishing her might be the wrong stance to take.
Have they actually been having sex? If so, my stance as a parent would be to make sure she knows how to use a condom, both for birth control and to prevent STDs.
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262 3/19/12 12:32 P
I wasn't trying to be rude. I didn't have a cell phone until I was twenty two, and I bought it myself. I also rode the bus to school. I turned out fine. I never said anything about you being hard on her. A lot of people think that once they turn eighteen they are adults. If she doesn't want to live by your rules, throw her out. That's what my mom would've done to all three of her kids.
Not having a boyfriend hasn't been anyone's "choice" ; we just live in an area where there is not a whole lot to select from and no one has even asked her out.
By "messing up her senior year" I meant she's only got a few months left and now she's without a vehicle and a phone (two things that she loves).
Are we being to hard on her? I really don't think so. She's always accusing her younger sister of doing the wrong things and "she'll be the one that ends up pregnant" all the while she's the one running behind our backs.
I know I'll get over it and I know she's 18 but we have have a rule that while you live under our roof and we pay for everything for you then you go by our rules.
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262 3/19/12 12:02 P
My daughter is nowhere near eighteen, but I was eighteen once. There could be a number of reasons she's acting this way. You say she's never had a boyfriend. Was that her choice? You said she messed up her Senior year. How exactly did she do that? Sure, she snuck out of the house, but that doesn't necessarily mean she "messed up her senior year." Maybe she figure that since she is eighteen she is an adult and doesn't have to explain what she's doing to you.
I'm not saying all this to be hurtful. There is a lot of information that we don't have, therefore we can't really give our opinions and advice to this situation.
I'm really at a loss here. My 18 yo daughter that has always been pretty good; never gets into trouble at school, will be graduating in May & never had a boyfriend has just completely disappointed me. I found out that she has been sneaking out of our house and going to see a boy she only knows by Facebook and texting (he lives 30 miles away). My husband and I found out yesterday and she finally confessed to doing that and confessed to what they were doing together. I'm disappointed; humiliated...don't even know what to say. She's been taught abstinence; she brags to everyone about being a Christian and then I find this out? We've taken her keys away and her iphone. We've had long talks also. How do you make it through this? I'm sure I'm not the first mom to be disappointed with her child. I can't believe she'd mess up her Senior year this way. She's always been so good and now this??? Thanks for hearing me out--
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