Fitness Minutes: (510)
33 10/16/12 10:47 A
I would strongly reccomend counseling...and if you can find a program by you called The Incredible Years...it is great with learning how to parent kids like your step daughter. You can also find the book on Amazon. We did the program and it helped a lot!!! Lots of luck to you and your family! I know it can be a struggle with a challenging child.
This poor kid is already really messed up. She is very violent and angry most of the time, she spent the last 2 days doing nothing but beating up her mother. But what do people expect? She's been taught since she was 2 from her step dad that the way to deal with issues is to get angry and hit someone. She's a very difficult and stubborn kid, but I've learned through my own mistakes in trying to deal with her that getting angry or losing your patience only makes things worse. You just have to out-patience her. And trying to talk to her as a person instead of just barking at her helps a lot too. Her mother is just so stupid and stubborn herself that she just makes things worse. But lots of love and trying to be understanding of how she's feeling seems to be helping a lot. Since this happened I've been constantly asking how things make her feel, and even if she feels angry I tell her it's ok to be angry sometimes, it's just how you deal with that anger that's important. I'm trying to teach her more constructive ways to either deal with things that make her angry, or teaching her to try to let go of the little things and that she doesn't have to get so upset over every little thing. We've got a long road ahead of us and I truly believe that she will never get better as long as her mother is around.
I should have been a little more clear, he was hoping the judge in the civil case would make a decision on custody without having to go back to family court. Last time this happened the family court judge didn't seem to understand the severity of the situation and I think some of that seriousness was lost when the judge was just reading a summary on paper versus actually talking to CPS and the girls' attorney. But now that this has happened several times (this is only the 2nd time he was arrested though), maybe the family court judge would take it more seriously, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Plus it takes months to even get a court date. We are talking with the prosecutors on Monday and we are going to discuss why charges weren't filed against her mother for trying to hide the abuse. Hopefully we'll find out more then.
Unconditional love and a good counselor. This kind of abuse can change a kid for the rest of their life so early counseling is key. Your husband may be able to get the court to mandate counseling? Also, was CPS involved? See if you guys can set up a meeting with her case manager to figure out how to keep her protected.
Fitness Minutes: (11,189)
262 8/15/12 7:44 A
I understand that your husband is going through cancer treatment, but why is he avoiding filing for custody? If that were my daughter, cold and buried wouldn't stop me from getting my baby away from that monster. ANY kind of abuse, emotional, physical or sexual, DOES NOT STOP ON IT'S OWN.
I agree that she needs professional counseling, from someone that is specially trained in child behavior. I also agree that she needs space to throw her tantrums, as long as she's not hurting herself. Give her a journal, tell her she can write everything she needs to get out, and resepct her privacy. Let her know you love her unconditionally, tantrums and all. Have her dad spend as much time with her as he can, to reassure her that not all men are monsters. Listen to her. Let her talk, vent, cry, and scream, but LISTEN. The reason so many cases of abuse, in both children and adults, go unreported, is NO ONE LISTENS. She probably feels like she has no voice in this situation. Be her voice.
Thanks, I will see what my hubby thinks. I know he was hoping to avoid filing for custody at the moment and we were hoping the abuse situation would take care of the problem of both of them. I am actually very surprised they didn't charge the mother with failure to protect since she lied about what happened and was trying to cover it up, maybe they still will. Anyway, my hubby was hoping to avoid going to court because of his cancer treatments. I have been trying to get a hold of the prosecutor who is pressing charges against the step dad and seeing if we can get charges filed against the mother too. There are a lot of other issues going on at their house and they should probably be charged with neglect as well. I have some more calls to make Monday I guess, just have to sit tight through the weekend.
If that's the case, my advice would be to talk to an attorney ASAP and see if your husband file for emergency temporary custody and then possibly try to get full custody. At the very least, see if a judge will order the mother to take the child to appropriate counselling. A family law attorney should have more/better advice for you. My heart goes out to you in this crappy situation.
The problem at the moment is her mother still has half legal custody and she won't allow her to go to a proper counselor in the nearest place that has one (about an hour away). Plus I found out yesterday they aren't removing the kids from her home since they removed the abuser, so the girls are going back to her house in a couple days and they don't want to.
You have got to get her into appropriate counselling. She needs it. I know it might mean a drive to a big city, but it's likely essential for her mental well being. You can sit down with her with your husband and explain to her that you are going to keep her safe. Tell her that you have expectations for behavior. I, personally, allow "fits" to go on in the child's bedroom, door closed, where I don't have to hear/see it, if it's something they feel they must do to feel better, so long as they are not hurting themselves or destroying anything. Maybe give her a safe place that's all hers. But, above all, you are likely hurting her by not getting her appropriate therapy.
My step daughter (age 9) was recently abused, again, by her step dad. Her and her sister are now in our care full time (at least for now, I doubt it's going to be permanent knowing the court system). The girls are a big help with my 10 month old and doing a few chores here and there around the house and it's been pleasant since they've been back home. But here's my dilemma. The one who got abused has some pretty severe behavior and psychological problems. She throws these insane tantrums like I've never seen any other kid before and she can be very violent, she has also had trouble in school bullying a few kids. Now I'm sure a lot of these problems are because her step dad has been treating her like crap for years. (He was arrested once before 6 years ago, both he and the mom have claimed that this isn't happening anymore, but I never believed them. The mother has been covering for her piece of sh*t husband!!!) Anyways, at the same time all this is happening, my hubby is going through cancer treatments. He has very little energy and is going to be going through this for about 3 or 4 more months. I want to be there for his daughter but I am unsure of what to do. She is a very smart girl and she can be very well behaved when she wants to be. The problem is when she has these "melt downs". She's hurt herself before throwing herself into furniture and walls, or she'll scream for hours on end if she doesn't want to do something. For the most part she's been pretty good since they've been back in our house, but it's only been 5 days. She's had a few little problems here and there but nothing close to "melt down". She's been to counseling but the place in our tiny little town isn't really equipped for a kid like her. I'm hoping time in a stable house hold where she isn't getting yelled at all day will help, but I know the tantrums won't go away completely. If anyone out there has had any experience with troubled kids I'll take any advice I can get. Thanks!
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