Whose idea was it to go to the peeler bar anyway? If it was his, and you haven't had a clearly... flexible relationship in this area before, it was kind of a relationship foul. If it was yours and you haven't had that sort of a thing before, it was (a) A Bad Idea and (b)indicative that you may be open to a... flexible arrangement. ESPECIALLY (both) if you didn't discuss and agree upon limits and conditions together BEFORE you went.
This is like, after your spouse has been dieting hard for 3 months, sitting them down in the kitchen, taking out the cookie jar, and seductively pulling them out, maybe stroking their face with it some, making sure they can smell it. If you think they aren't going to want to eat that cookie you're sadly mistaken. They're going to want to eat that cookie, and even if you remove it, they're going to wish they could get their hands on that cookie for quite a while afterward.
Personally I think it's often just sheer force of will as much as "emotional connection" that keeps people together. In this case he should use some force of will to stop talking about the bloody peeler. You may have to apply force of will to have the patience to wait until it passes from his mind ... assuming you still trust him.
Fitness Minutes: (430)
3 5/1/12 4:12 P
Going with your husband to a strip club does plant seeds in his mind of all kinds of fantasies. Being "OK" with a stripper rubbing herself on your husband while you watch encourages those fantasies. Also, it is a very short step from that encounter at the club to a visit to her hotel room alone.
Having said that, I agree that counselling is in order. You seem to have lost the connection that has bound you together and a counselor can help repair that connection. In the end it is the emotional connection that keeps men and women together and faithful. Do not waste another day getting help to get to the real issues that are going to explode and destroy your relationship.
I just read the whole thread I'm with Brewmasterbill on this:
1. Something seems fundamentally amiss in your relationship (unless it is "open" by mutual consent. I have no desire or ambition to go to such places, whether my wife comes along (or even knows) or not.
2. Marriage counseling would seem in order.
3. Communication is key.
Fitness Minutes: (41,016)
479 3/24/12 10:45 P
With the side of the story I have read here it does not sound good, sorry. What it sounds like is he wants to be single again and he thinks you are letting him play a little. Unless you have an "open marriage" then I would say to start watching everything more closely. I now you said that you have been married for a long time but have you thought of a safety net in case the worse things do come true with his actions right now? I am not trying to be mean or scare you, just being realistic. I have seen many people go through divorces and I have gone through one myself, they are not fun. Once you watch him and prepare for the worst, that is when I would go talk to him about all this and how it is effecting you. Marriage counseling is not for everyone but it might also be worth a shot, getting another third party who does not take sides might be the thing you need to get how you both feel out an into the open. What ever happens, Good Luck
Fitness Minutes: (22,220)
1,537 3/23/12 2:39 P
I would tend to agree, Amy. No offense intended to the OP, but a husband-wife visit to a club of that nature does suggest that the spouses plan or live a certain lifestyle, that may be more open in terms of exclusivity of partners, for lack of a better term.
I would go to such places basically as a 20-something college guy with friends on occasion, and now would ONLY go if it were in a bachelor/stag party context. I frankly have not gone to a place like that since I got married, 15+ years ago.
I'm not judging- to each their own. But if you take your husband to a place like that, he may be guessing that you are more open to an open relationship that you intended. You'd really be best served with openness in communication, and honesty- each person in a couple needs to be secure and confident in the other for the relationship to work. If that means exclusivity, as it does for me and my wife, then that is what is necessary for us to work. If it means an open relationship, like it may for others, then good for them. But it has to work for both.
I hope everything works out for the two of you. I just want to say, and hopefully I'm not sounding like an ass, cause I don't want to offend, but taking your spouse to a club like that is like leading a horse to water and THEN putting on a blind. We try to avoid putting ourselves into tempting places because we are, after all, human. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Hope this helps.
Fitness Minutes: (12,713)
4,111 3/23/12 9:06 A
Honestly, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. The solution to lack of communication is not more lack of communication.
To the person that recommended counseling, I concur.
Fitness Minutes: (11,189)
262 3/23/12 8:40 A
Under normal circumstances, I adore my father in law. We get along great. But he was raised with certain ideas of how women should shut up and never say anything about what their husbands do, and I was raised by a card carrying feminist. I didn't mean to say that all men were asses, but there is a man code most men adhere to even when they don't know the other man in question. I was looking for honesty, not rudeness, which I got from every post. Honesty, that is.
I have pretty much decided to take my husband's approach to everything. Not care, whatever happens, happens. He's been that way for eleven years, and I think it's time I show him how it feels to be me. Thanks for all your comments and advice. :)
There are bigger issues going on hear as others have said. The night at the club just brought this to the surface. I am curious as to what compelled you to go there with him in the first place. There is a pretty consistent behavior pattern that is going to be exhibited by the women working at these places and the men that attend.
Your husband needs to know that your relationship comes with boundaries and expectations. Perhaps one of those expectations should be he keeps his eyes on you. He's made that committment, since you're wearing a ring. I get that you took him to the club, but as a previous poster mentioned, I think that's just opening yourself up to all kinds of trouble. I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm just not sure what the expectations where when you headed to the club in the first place. I can't think of many scenarios where that ends well. You both are more valuable than that.
My gut "girl talk" response is: your husband is acting like an ass and he doesn't deserve you. Tell him to stop talking about that place and forget about it, your all he'll ever need to be happy.
That said, I feel like I am being lead to come to one conclusion and that is to be mad at him and that's it. Your initial post is very leading not to mention somewhat out of line at the end with your presumptous statement for us not to answer like asses.
If your Father-in-law is not to your liking then I'm afraid to say this to you: "Them apples don't fall far from the tree." I am an exact copy of my Mother (she was the one who raised me since no Dad was around), So maybe your hubby is similar to his dad (not such a far fetched notion).
Any, here the answer: see a marriage counselor a.s.a.p. but NOT because of this, just for the reason to make sure everything is ok between you & him. If he means that much to you you'll do this just to make the feeling is mutual.
There has to be more to the story for sure, I know my wife would never take me to such a place, It opens the door for all kinds of mixed emotions and feelings.
Its like you opened a door for him and now he wants to see how far that door swings. He might be thinking boy she went this far, how much farther will she go?!
I don't know what all he thinks or how he feels, and all the back story, but if you sit and watch other women rub up on him in that matter, he may think you may let things go farther he might be testing boundaries.
You do need to talk to him, and let him know how this makes you feel.
But adding outsiders in makes every relationship, well a little shakey!
Fitness Minutes: (12,713)
4,111 3/20/12 9:30 A
OK, I'm not sure how to address when there is no question. You don't understand why a man would suddenly stop trying to be with his wife. Hrm, I can think of a lot of reasons, honestly. But none of them happen instantaneously. It happens over time as the man (or woman) gets frustrated in the relationship and loses interest. Something tells me you're leaving out a lot of details that happened along the way and this is a culmination of frustration and the source of a larger problem.
In the book The Sun Also Rises, Hemingway paints a scenario where one of the key characters, Mike Campbell, is asked, "How did you go bankrupt?" His response is "Gradually ... then suddenly."
I find relationship fallouts tend to go the same way. Hopefully you understand I have no details and I'm making general observations based on very limited information. I'm just basing what I'm saying on personal experience, as a guy.
Fitness Minutes: (11,189)
262 3/20/12 9:05 A
No, everything was NOT going "swimmingly" as you put it. Yes, he was all over me. He's a horn dog where I am concerned. He tried to get me to give him my last twenty dollars to give to her for another lap dance. Either she was that good at moving or something happened that I know nothing about, which he usually tells me about these things. He's been talking about the club, her, the whole nine yeards. Apparently, after she quickly pointed out that she had a motel room near the club, she waited until she was giving him the dance to invite us to hang out until she got off work at 2 am, then from there who knows where it would've went. There was no real question. I just don't understand why a man would suddenly stop trying to be with his wife and start talking nonstop about some stripper he talked to for a couple hours. This man has tried to talk me into sex when both of us had the FLU. At the same time! Now, nothing.
If someone can make me understand this, I would greatly appreciate it.
Fitness Minutes: (12,713)
4,111 3/20/12 8:57 A
As with most things, I find the particular issue is a symptom of an underlying problem. Maybe my spidey senses are off, I don't know. So everything was going along swimmingly in the marriage and he was all over you until this weekend? Doesn't sound right, even for a guy. And what has he been talking about exactly? The club, the girl, how he would like to escalate things with said girl?
And finally, what's the question?
Fitness Minutes: (11,189)
262 3/20/12 8:39 A
Let me preface this by saying I do not look like an exotic dancer, nor have I ever. I also do not dress like one. I never have.
I took my husband to a gentleman's club over the weekend. This was the first time we've gone to one in three years. We weren't there three minutes before he had women all over him. I came back from the bathroom and there was one trying to drink my beer. I refrained from hitting her.
We get a table and sit down, where the same girl comes up and sits with us. I buy her a beer and she sits there yapping like a Chihuahua for a little while, then gets up to circulate the room. I used to waitress at this club and I understand that the girls make their money by flirting and dancing. I get that. A few more girls come by and talk to us, but the girl that tried to drink my beer KEEPS coming back. My husband gets a dance from her. I have no problem with this. He has gotten lap dances before.
What bothered me was that he thought I was so drunk that I was going to give him my last twenty dollars to go get ANOTHER dance from this woman (I was not, and no I didn't). Also, ever since that night, he's already been planning our next trip there. It's all he talks about, and it's getting on my last nerve. I mean, I understand that men are visual creatures and when they see a pretty woman, especially that particular brand of woman, they automatically turn sixteen in their minds, but this is all he's talked about for the last three days. As I said before, I am not, nor have I ever been, in the same league as one of these women. He has not touched me since, and before that, he was always trying to be all over me. I detest weak, whiny, pathetic women, but I'm having a hard time understanding this.
Also, please do not be an ass when you respond. If I wanted to talk to an ass, I'd call my father in law.
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