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KITTY_SOZE Posts: 79
6/12/12 11:11 P

I can tell that you are truly doing what you know to do to support your wife, and that is important, for sure. But, if she's anything like me (and it kinda, sorta sounds like she maybe might be), she might be feeling overwhelmed or frustrated at your pace of weight loss versus her own.

I don't know if your wife is a perfectionist, but I can tell you that when one is a perfectionist, they tend to get frustrated and beat down at the notion that someone is doing something (or having more success at something) than they are. In this case, that person is you. And while she is probably happy for you that you have not just met but beat your goal weight, it probably irks her a little bit, too.

You would think the natural reaction to this would be to get more motivated, to work harder, etc. But in the case of a perfectionist, it tends to result in throwing one's hands up in the air and saying, "If I can't do it right, I'm not going to do it at all." Counter-intuitive and nonsensical, I know, but welcome to what I fight in my own brain on a daily basis. :-)

If your gym offers classes, maybe she could take those if they are less expensive than a personal trainer, if cost is truly an issue. But if you can swing the $75, I would suggest you let her give it a shot. She might perceive your instruction (which you are giving as support) as condescension or superiority, which might make her feel bad. The cost is not that great in the scheme of things if it helps her get closer to her goal.

And talk to her about what she's really feeling! It sounds like whenever you try to support her by giving suggestions, she gets defensive and comes up with ways to deflect or disregard it. Which is the classic perfectionist response. :-) She's probably just feeling upset and frustrated, and you could tease that out of her by letting her know you love her and want her to be happy, no matter her size. Good luck!

DISNEYDAMSEL1 SparkPoints: (25,228)
Fitness Minutes: (7,051)
Posts: 304
6/12/12 11:51 A

I wish I had some great advice for you, but unfortunately, it's a personal journey. I could guess on what her "issues" are, but they would truly be that, a guess. Here's some ideas that you can try:

-Have your cousin talk to her
-Instead of the kindle could she bring an IPOD?
-the tanning, socializing, and book reading could mean that she's having some issues finding some balance between work, home, family, and her own individuality. It may not be a connection to "working out at all" but I know personally when I feel out of balance i start to lax on focus to find substitutions that try to fullfill more than one aspect of my life at the same time. does she have a friend at the gym? Does she take classes?
-This is a long shot, but is she showing any signs of depression?

All i can really do is throw out things to talk to her about. While I applaud you being supportive of your wife, remember it is still her personal journey and for her to be the most successful, she will have to find the motivation within herself to maintain it.

Good Luck.

NOWORNEVER13 SparkPoints: (309)
Fitness Minutes: (127)
Posts: 21
6/12/12 9:39 A

I think staying motivated is really good when a spouse or any family member truly cheers a person on. I know we all want to be healthier but it is tough in our society...it does take real work and motivation can be really tough to come by on some days. I applaud any and all of you who are supportive of another and find real ways to keep them keepin' on!

BOR9455 Posts: 52
6/12/12 9:30 A

That is so true. I married up, and to add to the confusion, she is from El Salvador, and used to a certain standard of living, so she used to be able to spend money on a whim like it isn't any big deal and I have always been a tightwad. Kind of a "Clash of the Budget Titans"

I have really tried to help her in every way, I cook healthier meals in bulk so we have good leftovers, but she still reaches for the crap food all too often when healthy alternatives are staring her in the face.

I'm just not sure how I can help her to regain her motivation. I've tried to encourage her participation here, or to start tracking her food somewhere like here or MyFitnessPal, which she did for awhile. Again, like I said, she told me that this is the longest she has kept up consistent gym attendance, and she has no motivation to keep going, but she just goes to go. That isn't the right attitude.

Every suggestion I have given her is met with resistance and excuses.

I suggested she shorten her workouts a few days a week with interval training
-I hate running and you know that, I get bored running
I suggested she start logging her workouts so she knows how many reps she did and at what resistance
-I do that in my head, I don't need to write it down
Planning out your workout on paper will help you keep motivated, and visually see your progress
-I've done that, and I get bored with it, doesn't help me
You can start working out in the evenings before bed, we have the P90X videos and Insanity videos downloaded on the PS3, and you can fire them up and work out at home
-I'm not going to shower twice a day, that is just too much work. My hair would be all wet when I'm getting ready for bed, and I just can't do that
Well dear, you could trim your hair a bit, and that would help
-No, I'm not cutting my damn hair, I just can't do that as an option, so we aren't discussing it


Those were just some small suggestions that I think can be helpful, and that will help her see the results she wants, but each one of them is met with resistance.

Edited by: BOR9455 at: 6/12/2012 (09:36)
LUCKY1964 Posts: 69
6/12/12 8:43 A

sounds like you are trying to balance between wasting money and showing support. I think that you are more than supportive of your wife. I hope that you and her can find a balance somewhere and both succeed in your journeys to a healthier life style.

BOR9455 Posts: 52
6/12/12 8:26 A

My wife and I both started our journey to a healthier life last fall, mid-November. We both set out with stated and written goals, because most of knows that writing things down helps you reach that goal. She wanted to drop about 40 lbs of excess and I was carrying about 55 extra, as I set my target weight as 200 lbs.

About mid-February, she had dropped over 25 lbs, and seemed to be doing well. We had to both commit to eating cleaner both at home and when we went out, and since we work opposites, we had to attend the gym at opposite times. Now, I will say this, I was an athlete in high school and in college. I also have the knowledge and experiences gained from training with some of the best. My cousin has been training athletes since I was in diapers, as he is one of the first in his field with a Masters Degree, which he proudly earned at Middle Tennessee State. He has trained and worked with Shaquille O'Neal for two seasons. He worked at the University of Idaho as their strength and conditioning coach for 3 seasons, the only three seasons the program had made it to a bowl prior to their recent success, and he has worked with countless NFL and NBA guys. It is a neat deal, and I've learned a ton of tricks and exercises from him. All that leads me back to the point, I have a lot of things I can draw upon when I find myself in a bit of a gym rut.

My wife is the opposite of me, she has learned some bad habits and bad techniques, and she feels that she can't keep going because she can't keep up her workouts. She gets easily bored with her workouts, because she doesn't know what to do, and she has lost a lot of that energy, motivation and steam she had going for her 4 months ago. It truly shows more than she thinks. I've been nothing but supportive, but since I'm not around when she works out, I can only rely on how I see her afterwards and her attitude. She is at best half-assing it at the gym. She tells me that she is going there and spending time tanning and having plenty of time to read books on her Kindle while doing cardio. When she was doing her best, one of the trainers had become friendly with her and was giving her some good workout advice, even taking her through some workouts without charging her. She isn't an internally motivated person, and all my attempts to be a very supportive husband and help her out by developing workout plans, and showing her some things that will kick her butt are failing. For whatever reason, she won't listen to me, and what upsets me is that she either doesn't trust me, or she is sick of me trying to help her in all this. Either way, she came to me yesterday and wants to sink $75 into the training deal that our gym has going on. Part of my problem is that I'm at the same gym, and I watch most of the trainers work with their clients, and frankly there isn't a single one of them I consider worth their hourly wage, let alone paying them $25/hour session, just so she can have someone walk her through the same workouts I have taken her through before.

I know I can't make her do anything, but I'm trying to help her come up with the motivation she needs to get herself back on track. I know it is tough being a mother of a 20 month old, working 3/4 time and getting to the gym. I feel that my success and motivation, while managing the other side of being a father who works full time and watches our son while she works evenings, is really wearing on her.

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