6 yrs ago, train ride home. Stuck in the train for 5 hrs. Grandma, aunt, cousin, uncle, ex husband, yours truly.
Aunt to my ex: "Look at her - abt me, that is - she is so fat, do you think she could be a good wife?" [we were getting married in 6 months] Me: "I've started to change my diet on Easter Sunday and already dropped 5 lbs." End of conversation.
Mind you, I went from 165 lbs in Apr 2006 to 137 lbs on my wedding day. Lost some more, kept them off for 4 yrs until my divorce. Guess i wasn't a good wife, eh? He ended up hooking up wt a co-worker...i was at my thinnest - 125 lb- , she was chubbier. Huh.
What happened during my relationship though knocked my confidence over. My husband - recently remarried to a wonderful man - has to deal wt all my moaning abt having to lose another 10 lbs. He understands me but he still cannot figure out how one person managed to get me so down. I am still not talking to the aunt, nor to the ex.
The problem wt family is that you cannot...chose them. You can only put up with them. Of course my aunt almost chocked to death when she saw me at the wedding but that's another story :))
It's horrible when they do that. My grandfather from dads side would comment , too, but somehow, he eventually stopped.
You are beautiful and although you want/need to lose some weight, don't let it put you down.
Wow! You are surrounded by jerks (I would use harsher language, but that's probably not okay on this message board. )!
My mother is a former model, and she makes comments about my weight ALL THE TIME. Never mind the fact that she weighs 40 pounds more than me these days. My husband's mother will cheerfully say to me, "Oh you've gained a little weight, haven't you?" I have a co-worker who think it's in his job description to talk to everyone about their weight...pretty much daily, and he openly admits that he discriminates against fat people, because "they are lazy."
So, I totally and completely understand! As you lose that weight, you know the comments are only going to become more frequent, right? So, you need to set down some ground rules. Your health is your own business. What the scale tells you is between you and the scale. Your dad needs to get his unhealthy fixation with YOUR weight off of his mind. (Seriously, that's kind of creepy that he's talking to you like that.) You're not a kid anymore. Let everyone know that they need to start respecting you.
My family is very similar in terms of comments about my weight. My dad won't hesitate to tell me that I've 'let myself go' or that I need to get back to the gym, or that I've gotten bigger.
It used to bother me, but now to be honest it fuels my drive. There are times in my life where I have gained weight very quickly (20 lbs in 4 months), and he would be the first to bring me back to reality that I really HAD let myself go (and mind you his comments weren't subtle; they were very straightforward and honest). Over the next 4 months I lost all 20 lbs and went back to being my size.
His comments are more of a motivator to me than a negativity because I know that slipups happen, and that nomatter what I have the drive to get back to my healthy weight. So for me, comments like that are actually nice because otherwise I would keep spiralling down in my unhealthy habits.
F.I.L. - "You need to lose weight." You - "Oh, is this the "point out the flaws portion of our program? Let me know when you're done, because I can't wait for my turn." ~~~ F.I.L. - "You need to lose weight." You - "Agreed. I'll avoid anything bad for me... starting with you." ~~~ F.I.L. - "You need to lose weight." You - "And you need to not be a jerk. I'm working on my stuff, are you working on yours?" ~~~ F.I.L. - "You need to lose weight." You - "And you need to mind your own business."
I know, I know. None of those will really help the situation. But they can be fun to think about inside your head, right?
As tough as it may be, your best solution is to (a) keep doing what you are doing, because it is obviously working, (b) appreciate the support you get from your husband, and (c) trust that your results will soon be obvious to the whole world.
You CAN do this, and really, it is your opinion that matters the most.
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2,370 7/4/12 6:54 P
I am so sorry to read about all of the negativity. It sounds as though one of the most important people in your life truly respects you and is supportive, so try to keep that in mind. Don't let those others bring you down. I do know it is easier said than done. Stick with SP and the support on here. It can definitely help. I have found my SP friends to be so supportive and motivational, even more so than my friends and family.
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21,135 7/4/12 2:05 P
Gosh, CRIMSONSUN ! With relatives like those, it's not a wonder your self esteem is in the gutter.
Unfortunately, your family seems a lot like mine. They think that if they criticize you about your weight, you'll do something about it. Well, let me tell you what I did at your age when my family made similar comments... I turned to food and ate more ! I know we're supposed to love our family, but some times all you want to do is haul off and SLUG THEM for being so insensitive !
I know this isn't easy, but you can't please your family. It's never going to happen. Even if you lose that 20 pounds, they are going to find something else to criticize. You can't change them. You can only change how you react to them. If you allow their negative comments to get the better of you, you will continue to feel miserable.
What to do ? As the old song goes,"accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative". In short, make a list of all the things you DO like about your body right now, as is. Sure, there are things we don't like about our bodies. However, if you think about it, there ARE things you do like ! write them down. I think you'll be pleasantly surprized at how terrific your body really is.
Can you lose weight ? You can, but it has to be for your own reasons, not to please your family. I know this isn't easy, but if you want to increase your self esteem, you have to close your ears to the negative comments from your family. Listen to the POSITIVE voices from your friends and spark buddies who encourage you to be a better you.
The snide comments won't go away. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said,"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
One day, you're going to say to your father in law that his snarky comments are getting old, just like him. Does he look like Brad Pitt ? Probably not. In which case, he has no business making such rude comments. That's why you can't let them get to you.
Be that strong, confident woman I know you are ! Have you ever heard of an artist called Frida Kahlo ? If not, look her up on wikipedia or google. She was a remarkable woman. I think you'll find that reading about remarkable women will help you start feeling better about yourself. Read about the adversities she had in her life and you'll see how she was able to over come them. You can too !
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638 7/4/12 1:41 P
Next time: "Actually, I've recently lost 10 pounds and I am working on losing more. I'd love your support and encouragement, but I won't accept any more snide comments" and walk out the door.
While your husband is better placed to help you through self esteem issues, I can offer a tip or two about the problem with your family. They really don't know they are being hurtful...even so a good sharp poke like the one above might shock them into some compassion. Anyhow, the best way I have found to get families and friends on board the encouragement train is to actually tell them all, straight up, outright that you are working hard at losing weight. So many people keep diet and exercise a secret, probably because they feel that telling people that you are "on a diet" or "eating better and exercising" seems like calling attention to the fact that they are currently overweight. I know that is how I always felt.
But I did it different this time. I told everyone, friends, family, coworkers, whenever it was appropriate. Ive found that being so frank and open about how I am working on changing my body has allowed THEM to be frank and open about their bodies. So many people have told me about their own issues, their failed diets, their nutrition successes etc. Also I get a lot of complements now because they know how hard I have worked. For example, last week I told a new coworker about eating right and losing weight and he gave me the best compliment I have gotten so far. He, of course, didnt know me "before" and he told me that he couldn't imagine me ever being overweight. I told him I had been overweight for my entire life actually but that is not who I am anymore.
In a way, talking about it is pseudo therapy. Articulating your body image problems gets them out of your head and into reality. You know what they are and you and your support net can work on getting rid of them.
Iíve always had issues with my weight. My first diet was at 11 years old and Iíve pretty much never gotten over the idea that I need to be thin. But the thing was there were times in which I was thin. Not like a stick but I looked good. All throughout high school Iíve hated the scale, it said that I was over weight for my size but I suppose it doesnít take into account muscle. I mean how can you be overweight when you do marching band, and judo, and run like 3 to 5 miles a day and not eat a ton of junk? But when you are in high school numbers mean everything. I was a 5-7 in jeans and ashamed of my body since I always compared it to the other girls. Just the other day I found a yearbook from my junior or senior year of high school and it has a full body picture of me running at a cross country meet. Short shorts, tank top nothing to hide behind and I remember the first time I saw the picture and I was mortified. Now everyone can see all the fat was all I could think. I look at that photo today and I canít figure out what was wrong with my younger self. I was healthy, yeah I had a little meat on my bones but I was not fat.
Fast forward four years and that brings me to today. Currently 20lbs more than my highest weight in high school. Formerly 30lbs. Now I have lost 10lbs recently by just exercising more but nobody has let me forget that I have gained weight in the last year. My father jokingly says Iíve gotten pudgy, a few snide comments from my co workers, a few people (4 to be exact) asking if I am pregnant and now my in laws.
Turns out that at a family event the other night the conversation of my weight came up (while I was not there in the room mind you). About how Iíve let myself go as my father in law not so gently put it. I mean how is a girl supposed to feel when she is hugging someone good bye and his parting comment is ďyou need to lose some weightĒ? And then you are informed that everyone is worried about you since youíve gained weight. Gained weight? Gained weight? What about the weight Iíve lost recently?
My husband was livid to say the least. He is the one who has to deal with me and all my body issues. He always tells me that he loves me and that I am beautiful and that I am not fat. Weíve been running recently and I know it bothers him that I constantly think about how much weight I have to lose.
I donít think I can help it, this body image thing. Just when I was starting to get over how much I hated myself in high school and begin to love me for me I have all these outside factors making me look in the mirror and feeling even worse then I already do.
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