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Sticky situation with my sister



 
 
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W00TLEP00DLE
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Posts: 7
8/3/12 3:24 P

It is tough when you have an unsupportive family member when it comes to your wedding. I know this mainly because my brother's fiance was very rude from the get-go about my engagement.

I can see why you're frustrated, but honestly, I wouldn't let it bother you too much. If her wedding ends up being a flop because she didn't plan it well, then that's her fault. You have your own wedding to worry about and it's not really fair to have to worry about hers too. This is just my opinion. :)



STLCARDSFANS05
Posts: 916
8/2/12 8:53 A

here's an idea....you are not having a wedding to please her. you are NOT responsible for keeping the peace and making a grown dang woman act right. SHE is responsible for reasonably accomodating your wedding. if she can't, then she's out. sounds like you would both be better off being guests at eachothers wedding than wedding party.



SHUFFMAN126
Posts: 205
5/8/12 3:14 P

Wow, you've got Bridesmaid-zilla! - you've gotta sit her down and tell her to shape up or she's out. Don't let someone else ruin *your* special day. Make it what and when you want it to be.



ALLEYCAT12380
Posts: 625
4/21/12 12:34 P

My first maid of honour was kinda like that. She came up with excuses as to why she couldn't go bridal shopping with me. First one was her mom needed her to go grocery shopping at the exact time that we were supposed to go shopping and her mom refused to budge on doing the shopping later. Then the next time, she suddenly had a friend of the family in hospital and they needed her support. Yes they needed support, yet it was only one person in hospital. She refused to say if it was a guy or girl. Few days later, when I asked how her "friend" was doing. She was like huh what friend, what are you talking about? Your friend in the hospital? Huh I still dont get it, ohh that friend, oh yeah they are doing fine. Then the 3rd time she had a mild MS attack so she couldn't go.

She also refused to do a stagette. If I wanted one that bad, guess whose throwing it together and paying for it? Me, and not only that apparently you can have a stagette of one person if you wanted to. She didn't like my idea of going to a gay bar. Or any bar for that matter, esp. a gay bar.

Then when she was planning a wedding (which got cancelled 3 times with the sam guy, all within 1.5 years), I was a bridesmaid, not the maid of honour, she expected me to do ALL of the work of a maid of honour. She wanted me to dress shop (she put down a deposit, which she ended up losing), flower shopping, tiara shopping and wanted a stagette before she even set a wedding date. I tried to explain that I can help the MOH with the planning and we can do it closer to the date. Nope, nope, its my job because the MOH wouldn't know what kind of stagette she wanted (I nailed it for her). I wanted to strangle her so many times.



KELLYDRESCHER
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4/19/12 3:58 P

It's been a few months since you posted this. How are things now?



MOTIVATEDKAT
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3/27/12 11:11 A

With such a strained relationship... why are you guys even in each others bridal parties?

If anything you could have gone to her and explained that you know that money is tight for her (because of saving for her wedding) & that she'll be super busy trying to tie up loose ends for her wedding, so how would she feel about relaxing, putting her feet up & enjoying being a guest at your wedding.



DDACHE
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3/27/12 7:05 A

In the end you know what to do that is best for everyone, but most of all, best for you



PRINCESSMANDIE
Posts: 4,820
1/30/12 5:25 P

Like PP said tell her to put on her big girl panties and deal. When you agree to be a BM you agree to go along with whatever crazy idea that bride decides. Tell her her options are either to do it with a smile or be out of the party.

As for her reasons for not getting married quite as soon or "legally" as you say, like PP said it really isn't anyones business. My FI and I have been engaged for 2 years already and planning on another 2 years before we finally get married (at least). The reason is I'm paying on student loans and if we aren't married I don't have to pay as much monthly they figure me as a single mother (my children are not his). Another reason is I can't really afford to get health insurance for my kids and once we get married they can no longer be on Title 19. For us I don't ever feel its anyones business why we don't get married. When people ask I just tell them "money" which is technically true.



BRONZNCOLOR
Posts: 90
1/15/12 2:35 P

The memories you want to create for your special day are just that the memories you want to create. Taking in to consideration that your sister may have her own interpretation of what it is she may think your day is about. The truth is it's your day and she is there to support you her social skills and images of what defines a person are hers. Let her own that you place yourself in the position to enjoy every second of this new chapter in your life. Good Luck!



SMCS28
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1/14/12 10:51 P

You're right, and that's what will be happening....

She is becoming our mother....(my mother is very negative and has no socialization skills due to the fact she does nothing but sit at home).....so socialization is difficult....little things seem like major issues to them ( like dresses and jerseys)...

i need to learn to learn to look at it like that and shrug it off...i have a stressful job so i don't get how this is stressful...if i was asking her to memorize some crazy dance routine, or wear a poofy pink dress i'd get the stress....but a blue dress in your style and walking into a reception in a jersey just does not seem like enough to get bent out of shape about



SCTK519
Posts: 2,085
1/14/12 5:41 P

Ah, got it. I can see how with everything that has happened in the past you're understandably frustrated.

The MOH is in charge of planning the shower and bachelorette party, so I'd just try to stay out of that. You absolutely need to put your foot down on paying for the parties on your own AND on lending the other bridesmaid money. You can't shell out the money for the party and then be upset; tell them no and stand by it no matter what. The MOH should be splitting the cost between the bridesmaids.

I think you shouldn't worry about her being at David's or your bachelorette party. If she's so uncomfortable to be with ie. the birthday party, why do you even want her there?

Focus on Your wedding and how happy everyone is for you. Tell your sister what dress she needs to buy and where she needs to be on the wedding day.



SMCS28
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1/14/12 2:41 P

I am not her MOH, and really, I feel the only reason that I was asked to be in her bridal party was to foot the bill for her stag and doe, showers, etc (since her other bridal attendants have no money for these things)......Since I am not the MOH I told her to let me know when things are getting done, and I'll help out. But I was not comfortable taking the lead on planning these things since I feel the only reason I was asked was financial.

I have been asked to loan one of her bridal attendants money so she could take her to a concert that I was planning on going to, and had let them know about. I said no, since I had paid for many concerts and other things in the past and none of that was reciprocated (not that I expect that, but a thanks and maybe a coffee would have been nice). So my feelings of being asked for a financial reason are valid. Also the fact that my fiance said he's surprised that my sister has not asked me to help pay for her wedding. That should speak volumes about how she is with me and money.

I do think she is jealous that we are able to pay for everything ourselves, but we are working HARD to be able to do so....We've worked very hard for everything we have....

As for the disability thing, telling people you are ripping off the government is never a good thing. Also, i am a job coach for people with disabilities. So her behaving this way and using the governmentprogram in a way it's not intended does bother me. There are many avenues she could be taking to get a job, and she's chosen not to contact her disability worker to do so.
I work with people who have a lot more issues than her and they have jobs.

If she was having a bachelorette party i would go, pay what I need to pay, etc.....Of course, when she was talking about the fact that they aren't registering (they look down on those who do), she said "Our wedding is good wishes only, but if people like you and your fiance want to give us a gift we are looking for money for our honeymoon"....

I do believe she is jealous. BUT, I can't stop my life because of it. I am having the wedding I want. We are twins, and since we usually celebrate our birthdays together I've had to do MANY things I don't want...even last year she took over the party I threw, and my friends left because they were uncomfortable that her and her friends were taking over everything....and they wouldn't leave until 4am...I was rather appalled by the behaviour of her and her guests...very imature.....I've grown a backbone since then, and it's not being received very well....

Everyone else in my bridal party is VERY excited for our wedding because it's not going to be the normal wedding, it's different, fun, and US.....

I'm just super frustrated, and a lot of stuff that has happened in the past few years has culminated to this....

Edited by: SMCS28 at: 1/14/2012 (14:44)


SCTK519
Posts: 2,085
1/14/12 1:45 P

It seems like there's issues to be had coming from both ends. Is it possible that your sister may be hurt that she's not your MOH? Are you her?

Your sister may be feeling jealous that you have money saved for a wedding. Meanwhile it doesn't sound like she does, which isn't your fault, but I'm sure it's not easy for her to see that and probably feels a silly in having thought your parents were going to pay for the wedding.

I wouldn't worry about the stuff she's claiming she doesn't want to do. Why do you care if she doesn't want to go to David's Bridal? If you're going for bridesmaids dresses, it may be a problem, but otherwise, who cares? The whitewater rafting sounds like a fun, unique idea for your bachelorette but it's not everyone's cup of tea. Not to mention it can be dangerous and you essentially have to sign your life away before you go. How do the rest of your friends feel about it? You can only fit like 6-8 people in a raft...maybe that could be just a weekend trip for anyone who wants to as opposed to the bachelorette party. The jersey thing I wouldn't worry about at all. If the rest of the wedding party is doing it, maybe the peer pressure will get to her; does everyone have to buy their own jersey?

I don't see how you being bothered by her not wanting to go to David's or not wear a hockey jersey at the wedding is any different than her wanting an engagement party right away. It's both all about me type deal, but possibly to varying degrees. Not to mention, an engagement party isn't a 'we're getting married in 3 months party' it's an Engagement party that typically occurs When you get engaged, regardless of when the wedding date will be. Whether she gets legally married or not, based on her ability to get disability, isn't really anyone's business but her and her future husband's. People do that with a deceased spouse because you cannot collect their social security anymore if you get married again.

It's understandable that you're bothered when she doesn't want to do something small like go to David's and you went out of your way the first time she got engaged to have a really great, nice shower for her. My feelings would be hurt as well. It all adds up though. You may have bought the bridesmaid dress and thrown a shower for her, so you spent money and here she's being asked to buy the bridesmaid dress, pay for whitewater rafting, and a hockey jersey. How does the cost for hers versus yours balance out?

Maybe you just need to talk about your expectations on roles in each other's weddings. What do you NEED her to do versus what you would LIKE her to do? And vice versa?




L-RIOT
Posts: 348
1/14/12 8:58 A

It seems to me, after reading your story, that your sister is a very jealous person. It seems like she needs the biggest and best things and for everyone to have eyes on her. I have a friend who is like this as well so I can relate. I was in my friends wedding and she cheaped out and had her hair and makeup done and had me and the maid of honor do our own hair and makeup. Big mistake considering we never do our makeup. When she got out of the makeup chair, she walked right over to me and yelled, "DON'T I LOOK RICH!??!"

So, I know it can't be easy to deal with this because its your big day and she's peeing all over your parade. I think she's throwing a fit because she wants the wedding and she's been waiting for a long time, doesn't have the money, and wants to be the star. I think she's jealous that you're getting things so quickly and that its mostly falling into place.

I think you have two options, you can have a sit down with her and lay it all out there on how she needs to put on her big girl panties and grow up. Or kick her out of the wedding. I know that might cause more problems but it would speak volumes. I hope this helps!



SMCS28
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1/14/12 8:15 A

When I got engaged last month, I knew which date I wanted.....it has to work for my work/lay off time (I work for the school board) so then I can go on a week long honeymoon....So it had to be specific...

I also did not want a LONG engagment, but did not want to rush and do everything in 6 months...we also have to save the money for the wedding since we are paying for everything ourselves....so a year and a half is perfect for us

My sister's date has been set for almost 3 years 2 months after mine.....her date never even factored into my head because it's so long, and I have not heard anything new about the wedding planning.....she has only put a deposit on their wedding site.....I have not even seen the pattern for the bridesmaid dresses.....

They have no money and she's on disability....she said her wedding is going to cost $6000 but last I heard they have none saved for the wedding.....I always assumed that the wedding was just not going to happen......(she's assuming the parents are all going to pay)

Then she mentioned that they were thinking of pushing back their wedding so that ours were not on top of each other.....which she doesn't have to do, I've had 2 really close friends get married within a month of each other with the same people in their bridal parties.....it worked out fine....

So now, she is being NEGATIVE about everything....my maid of honor wants to throw her off a bridge...(figureatively).....she doesn't want to go to David's bridal....she doesnt' want to go to the bachelorette (she can't white water raft --yeah i know, weird but exactly what i want to do and quite inexpensive).....she doesn't want to wear a jersey coming into the reception because it will look weird over a dress (Toronto Maple Leaf wedding)......

Everything that comes out of her about my wedding is negative.....

Granted, I was not the most positive person when she got engaged.....but when they got engaged I was told they were not getting married for 5 years but she wanted an engagment party right away.....with 80 people at it....and I've been through this before with her when she was previously engaged....she gets engaged and everything is about her......EVERYTHING...and unrealistic...I spent a tonne of money on wedding shower stuff for her last time (i was a full time student at the time) and she called off the engagement.....

AND when they first got engaged they weren't going to "really" get married....not legally, so she could stay on disability (once you get married your spouse is expected to support you)....this does not fly with me....or my family (I work with people with disabilities who go to work and have relationships etc....) Now they say that they are going to get married legally, but she STILL does not have a job.....and her wedding is less than 2 years away.....

I'm frustrated.....I'm trying to make things affordable....my parents are helping her by paying for her bridesmaids dress (they're paying for mine for her wedding, which I did not ask for)

I really don't know how to handle her negativity....my mother is a whole other story, she's just insane.....so this has been rough, and it's only been a MONTH!





 
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