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Stressed about my marriage...... ...............



 
 
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ALTRAOICHE
Posts: 66
6/7/12 12:23 P

Oh, boy. I too am struggling with emotional neglect from my husband, and this thread makes me see just how prevalent it is. There is some really great advice here.

A lot can be said for standing your ground. (I could say giving an ultimatum but I hate that word). I had a lengthy conversation with my husband a few months ago which resulted in a huge fight, and him moving out for a few days. During that time he got to see what life without me was like, and since then has been much better about helping around the house and financial things (two BIG bones of contention in many marriages, by the way).

Marriage is HARD. Now we are working on being more emotionally there for each other.



TWEETY2264
SparkPoints: (3,711)
Fitness Minutes: (1,211)
Posts: 11
6/5/12 4:44 P

I am going on my 2nd year of marriage but we have been together 2 and half years before the marriage and known each other since 2004. It was fine and dandy the first years but after we had our daughter everything has changed. He said since he is unable to work because of his med condition that he will stay home with our child and clean the house and cook every day unless I wanted to make something. For the past year I have had to come home from work and clean house every time because all he would do is the dishes and sometimes not even that. I work for a cab comp. so I deal with a lot of stuff for 8 hours everyday and I would really like to come home and be able to relax with my family instead of having to be apart from them so that I can clean. I understand about his condition but if he can take care of our 16 month old daughter he should be able to clean. The worse part is, is that his profession was janitorial and he claims he loved doing that and wish he could still do that. Maybe for someone else but not our home. What do I do? emoticon



DAWNDMOORE40
Posts: 2,812
6/3/12 12:43 P

emoticon I can relate with all of you about the pressures of marriage! There are always three sides to the story: The truth, the lie, and somewhere in between! God wants us to stay married because that is how he intended a husband and wife to be, but I realize he doesn't want us to be door mats. If you are being abused, you were right to separate from the situation and it sounds like you didn't decide to get a divorce right away which is a good thing! Now that you are on your own, it's a time for you to concentrate on you! Don't let the stress cause you to eat! Focus on positive things! I hear meditation is excellent when we were stressed! I wish you the best with your life and I know it will all work out in the end the way God plans it!



SARAHG831
Posts: 73
5/10/12 3:18 P

Relationships are difficult and draining. I agree that communication is extremely important. I tried to tell my husband what I needed from him but things would always fall right back into the same pattern. My situation is different in the sense that it escalated to a threat of violence. So, I left immediately and have been seperated for almost 4 months. I am in the process of divorce. I would like to add that I did ask him to go to conseling in the beginning before the violent episode, and he refused. I am in conseling on my own now and it has helped a lot. Of course now that I went through with moving on and taking the steps to divorce, my ex has completely changed who he is and done everything I have ever asked him to do. He even quit smoking completely (this was one of our biggest things to fight about), but the problem is that I have reached a point where he could do anything and it would not make a difference in how I feel about him. Everyone has an individual situation and you have to evaluate what you have. Put forth the effort and the work to try and make it better. And if after everything, you are not happy, then consider moving on with your life. I can say that I am very satisfied with where I am now. I think it is impossible to have completely no regrets or not to divulge in wishful thinking. But in the end it is your life and you have to make a choice about what you want out of it. Good luck to everyone who is working through a difficult time in a relationship.



PEPSTEPPER
Posts: 106
5/7/12 11:22 P

Women tend to divorce husbands due to neglect and men tend to divorce wives due to finding another person for romance.

If your spouse is neglecting you and they have no idea you are thinking of divorcing them....tell them. Tell them you are serious and they have a chance to change and change quick. Forewarned if they don't.

If your spouse has betrayed you with an affair.....well.....you have to do a lot of work to save it.
The cheater has to seriously plan on changing how they live uppermost. (Moving away from partners in crime is important too, sadly).

Marriage can be magic when its good. It can be magic when its routine too. It only sucks when its neglectful or cruel.







COLORRED2
SparkPoints: (12)
Fitness Minutes: (0)
Posts: 4
5/3/12 2:08 P

Hi Kim, I'm sorry your marriage isn't going the way you had hoped right now. You didn't give a lot of details, but I think the one thing you did say that stands out to me is that you really don't want to give up. I just want to encourage you to hold on to hope that you can get through this. It can be hard to know where to start to get that spark back, especially if you’re feeling like your husband isn't on the same page with you, but I think it's worth making an effort. Divorce isn't necessarily the easy answer, and I've read more than once that couples who do manage to stick it out end up being happier in the long run. It sounds like he hasn't been open to counseling, but that you're trying to do it on your own – do have someone you're seeing who you feel can help you? I work with Focus on the Family, and we're here to help couples who are going through just what you're describing. If you need someone to talk to, I know there are counselors here who will be happy to speak with you over the phone for free. The number is 855-771- HELP (4357). There are some articles on the website that I think might be encouraging to you too – you can check them out at these links: bit.ly/HYcvmt , bit.ly/H1umcU , bit.ly/I6cWg8 . Hope this helps... Take care, ok?



UNCOMMONANGEL
Posts: 283
5/3/12 4:37 A

Well, open up. Leave him a long letter if you don't feel comfortable just saying what you need to say... express what you are needing that isn't being met... and express a couple items of yourself that you have been trying to fix as well to be fair... but be open about it even though it is HARD AS HECK. My husband moved out after 17yrs to live with a girlfriend that he SWORE he didn't have... right after I took a HUGE 401k loan out for windows for the home I can no longer afford w/o his check. I felt SO bad that he was out and looking and made darn SURE that I wouldn't be... even hinting that you have been feeling a distance between you both and you aren't sure how to fix it, or handle it...



PATIENTLYWAIT
Posts: 80
5/2/12 10:28 P

AUSSIEFLOSS, I saw this picture on Facebook a few days ago and thought it was cute. When I read your post from today I immediately went to Facebook to hunt this picture down for you. But I can't post the actual picture here so this is the link for it. Remember dear turtle, there is a bright side to everything. I also go to counseling, for my son who has ADHD, and with my fiancé, who went from single to instant family man. Having someone to talk to helps tremendously. Please know that you're Spark friends are here for you too! Hope you like the picture!



https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hph
otos-ak-prn1/542122_3774496089294_1483
570684_3272810_90098161_n.jpg



KCDELENN
Posts: 86
5/2/12 9:39 P

MSWFHSPARK is exactly right. AND you can sometimes get insurance to help defer some of the costs of counseling. I encourage all of my clients to go through therapy due to the stress divorce creates. If you and your spouse are willing, I have seen marriage counseling work some real miracles at a fraction of the cost of a divorce.



MSWFHSPARK
Posts: 34
5/2/12 11:51 A

I have been married 13 years as well....I feel blessed in that my husband and I really are best friends. However, I know many strugging couples. I read something recently that really hit me....it was from a divorce attorney who said you can get 5 hours of couples therapy for 1 hour of attorney time for one person!! He basically said you can spend months in therapy and not come close to what divorce will cost you and that it is TOTALLY WORTH IT!.

I have had great experience with therapy including occasionally for my kids. Life is tough sometimes but a good therapist can really help change bad habits, enlighten blind spots and hopefully put your marriage on the right track. Good luck. Don't give up - work at it.



AUSSIEFLOSS
SparkPoints: (33,957)
Fitness Minutes: (26,637)
Posts: 1,600
5/2/12 1:57 A

Alright! I'm glad to hear from KCDELLEN! It helps me to see that a Divorce Lawyer is not something to be afraid of. Everyday you see this kind of thing? I feel so bad for them. It's terrible. Your world comes crashing down. I feel like a turtle on it's back and I cannot get up. I will get up eventually, but the question is how and when?

I hate that I miss my husband, yet I cannot stand the things he does and the deception, and lying. This is truly a trial for me. How does anyone get past feeling love, or missing the person they feel like they also hate and want to push away? It's only been 3 weeks...I guess it takes time? I love and despise my husband. How horrible! And yes, I feel vulnerable at this time, and have not been open to discussions with him because I do not trust myself. I have been fooled too many times by false reassurances. He is the kind of person that at this point will say or do anything I ask to get us back together. But once we are back, he gradually goes back to the old ways. I left him once before, and asked him to please get help for the alcoholism and anger issues. He agreed, complied only to the point of promising he would never drink again, and then just reading some online articles about anger control. I was fairly satisfied, but he was also very demanding about us getting back together, and I didn't know how to handle it. He never had quit drinking, even though he switched to beer and malted beverages. His angry outbursts only got somewhat better after I reported him to Child Protective Services, so he would know that I had a limit and would not put up with child abuse.
I feel like I am sooo ratting on him. Man bashing. Negative. But it is all honestly true, and i have been overlooking and overlooking the negative, and I am really trying hard to see the reality of it all....because if I have false hopes and go back to him I am only going to get hurt again. And I am really sick and tired of being hurt...I mean emotionally. Heartbreak hotel! Here I am!

Edited by: AUSSIEFLOSS at: 5/2/2012 (02:00)


KCDELENN
Posts: 86
5/1/12 11:13 A

Aussiefloss...and other's in similar circumstances. I see what you ware describing in my legal paractice every day! The abusive or neglectful spouse promises to change his/her ways when the relationship breaks up. They will do ANYTHING to put the marriage back together.

I have rarely seen it last beyond the first week of reconciliation. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but you are on the right track. If he truly wants you back, he needs to get himself some therapy and make changes while you are apart. If he does not do that, he is just playing games. The most important thing for you to do right now is heal yourself! I know that feels coldhearted to you, but you did not create this situation by yourself. He bears some responsibility for how this turned out too. The very last thing you need right now is for him to play with your heartstrings while you are hurting and vulnerable.

Sometimes marriages do reconcile afte separation. It may not mean that this is the end, but I can tell from your words that you need time to heal and grow before that is even a possibility. do not let ANYONE take this time away from you.

Yes, divorce is horrible, expensive, and takes a long time....but it is also very necessary sometimes. Take care of yourself and you will find the right path.

Advice from the divorce lawyer strikes again...



AUSSIEFLOSS
SparkPoints: (33,957)
Fitness Minutes: (26,637)
Posts: 1,600
5/1/12 2:12 A

Sorry to the origional poster of this thread for getting all the attention. And thank you to all who replied to my pain and sorrows. I wish it could be different. My husband keeps telling me he loves me and wants to see me...I don't want to let him back in my heart, so i keep ignoring his pleas. He will tug on my heart strings and try to convince me of things that I don't think will be true. I don't trust myself to 'meet him' like he wants. I feel like I am giving the cold shoulder, but it is only a matter of trying to take care of myself at this point. He can go take a flying leap!

I am glad that a Divorce Lawer had something to say...I have heard that divorce can be expensive, a long process, and emotionally difficult. It is ok for me to hear the negative side to it.
I am starting counseling this coming Friday. I really hope it can help me straighten out my feelings and what I want my next steps to be, divorce or not.
I have also started reading a book called "When Your Lover is a Liar". It is helping quite a bit. It is why I feel that i need to take care of myself first...The book says "Remember, what he wants comes second. He's been doing what he wants for a while now." I just LOVE that. I feel validated for not putting him first!

I sincerely hope that those looking for more attention from their spouse find a way to get it. I wouldn't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy. OH...my husband used to play computer games a lot. I would walk up behind him, in a sexy nightie, and just stand there until he noticed. It always got his attention, and it lightened up my own mood about him ignoring me. Try to be creative! I have a friend that weighed like 275 and she would flop herself on her 175 lb husband's lap to get his attention. I usually found that doing anything BUT getting angry all the time was so much better than stomping around hoping he would pay attention.



PATIENTLYWAIT
Posts: 80
4/28/12 3:54 P

I am so sorry to hear about this betrayal to you. While my situation with my ex was similar in the fact of him cheating on me, it was at least with someone not related to me. I agree with the lawyer, divorce is not pretty or in any way fun. It is tedious, drawn out (depending on what your state laws are), and very draining. Please do look into counseling, for yourself and your children. In NC we have a program called Divorce Care, see if there is something similar for you. Investing in a good lawyer is also a great idea. Keep your chin up, for your kids and yourself. They will need you and in turn, you will need them. They are your unconditional loves. It will be hard but you will get stronger. Blessing to you and your children. Karma is coming for your ex.

emoticon Remember emoticon



MASHAMOO
Posts: 1,667
4/28/12 9:15 A

Divorce can be very difficult, but sometimes it's a better alternative than continuing a marriage that is not working. You are not a bad person for wanting to get a divorce. The sad fact is that getting married is easy and getting divorced is difficult, unless your spouse will cooperate and be civilized during the court process.
A good lawyer is a great investment.



KCDELENN
Posts: 86
4/27/12 10:01 P

I am a divorce lawyer. I am also a divorced person. I can tell you that divorce is a devastating experience for everyone involved. It is horrendously expensive, and emotionally and psychologically devastating. But if you have reached the place in your marriage where living with your spouse is intolerable, then it is the only way. You'll know when you have reached that place. The decision to leave and end a marriage is a very difficult one. I wish those of you working through these things the very best, it is a difficult path.

I can tell you this....once you have made that decision and gone through the process...many of my clients have found life post divorce is a new lease on life. If you make this choice, I strongly encourage counseling throughout the process. It is a very difficult path.



JADOMB
SparkPoints: (85,587)
Fitness Minutes: (20,535)
Posts: 1,626
4/27/12 2:51 P

Yes, AussieFloss I have NO advice for you and pray for you and your kids. I just can't understand how people can do as your have said, but I know it happens. So sorry for how you have been treated. God bless



SALSGIVERL
SparkPoints: (2,275)
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Posts: 141
4/27/12 12:39 P

I think in your situation, it's time to move on. It's good that you are getting healthy. He doesn't deserve you. I applaud you for not giving up and forgiving, then moving. Apparently, he can't be trusted. You deserve better and so do your 3 children. You don't want them to get the impression that it's okay to cheat and be unfaithful in their marriages when their time comes too. You have to take care of you and your kids.



AUSSIEFLOSS
SparkPoints: (33,957)
Fitness Minutes: (26,637)
Posts: 1,600
4/27/12 1:09 A

I don't feel that I have given up too soon. I might be headed for a Divorce. I have been through a lot with my husband over the last 16 years,with 3 kids, and it is more than just not getting attention that I need. I have endured neglect emotionally, and materially. I've been through him having an alcoholic blackout, rage, and had my wallet stolen by him when I fled to a safe place. 10 years ago I endured him making out with my 18 year old sister, when I was taking care of a 6 week old baby in the hospital. But now, after all of my patience and endurance, and faithfulness to him, he has broken all of his promises and even our marriage vows. He had an affair with my sister again, this time...they went all the way who knows how many times, and did video sex. They even used my bed. MY 'marriage bed' that was not for anybody but me and him...now he has gone too far...now I can't let him back in. I miss him. I am extremely sad...But he has lied to me, and betrayed me and I can't let him back in my life. I would have put up with almost anything..but physical abuse. But I am so messed up now...sometimes i can't tell which way is up. I blame my sister too.
So if you have a man who is faithful still and you love him, try your best to have good communication. Try to spend one on one time together. I tried....but something went very wrong.



KIMMA34
Posts: 90
4/26/12 11:48 A

I don't wanna give up and I never thought I would but...............He isn't open to communication or counselling but I go do it myself. I just don't know what to do to bring us together..........


-Kim



JADOMB
SparkPoints: (85,587)
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Posts: 1,626
4/26/12 11:44 A

Sorry, I don't give up and I think too many folks these days do. Our society has turned into a quick fix society. No one wants to fix things anymore, they just want to throw it away and get another. Marriages are going the same way.

We all have ups and downs in all our relationships, that's a fact of life. It's how we handle them that show what kind of people we are. Do you give up, or fix it?

Communication is usually the one thing that fails as folks start drifting away. Bring back the communication and you will find it is much easier to find solutions. Keep the Faith



SALSGIVERL
SparkPoints: (2,275)
Fitness Minutes: (710)
Posts: 141
4/26/12 11:01 A

I personally think my husband was a bachlor too long and is set in his ways. When we were married before we had kids, all was fine. He helped out around the house and helped to make dinner. I'm lucky if I can get him to help out once a month. I love him and am still in love with him but he is clueless. I hope that after he gets a job and life settles down, things will work out a little bit better for us!



KIMMA34
Posts: 90
4/26/12 7:15 A

Sal,

I never thought I would even utter the word divorce.......but here it is. I've been married almost 13 years with 2 kids. I'm just soooooo burnt out and tired of my hubbys ways............I want to grow old with someone deeply.......and I don't think it's him anymore. Why did this happen?? My hubby is clueless as well.


-Kim







SALSGIVERL
SparkPoints: (2,275)
Fitness Minutes: (710)
Posts: 141
4/25/12 10:48 P

I'm in a similiar situation. Divorce would be a very last resort but my husband is clueless. I had a stroke 2 years ago. He lost his job soon after and decided to go back to school. So he's been in school ever sense. We've been intimate twice in the last two years. He tells me that he's busy with school and he thinks I'm paralyzed as a result of my stroke. I have limited feeling in t!he leftside of my body but I can still move it and do stuff. I can still do all my house cleaning and cooking. He just tells me it's all in his head. Plus we've both put on weight and he said he doesn't have the energy to be intimate. So each night after the kids go to bed, he sits in front of his computer watching netflix and I watch something on the tv. I just hope that after he graduates and gets a job, things will get back to normal. He knows since we've been intimate twice that there isn't anything physically wrong with me. He just doesn't get it. He thinks everything is okay and it's just getting old! I know that marriages have their ups and downs. Lately it's been more down then up. I just wish he would show some interest in me. It's like we got married and he stopped being romantic. We will be married 5 years June 1st....



BUFFEDSTUFF--
Posts: 2,520
4/25/12 8:05 P

Marriage is a roller coaster ride of good and bad times. Keeping the spark of romance alive is important. It is all about falling in love over and over again. Remember the excitement of the first time you met, the first touch and then clinging tightly through the storms of life even when you feel like letting go.

It is all about doing those little things to keep it fresh and remember how you felt the moment you took those vows.

Okay I am a hopeful romantic and I love seeing people in love. I hope you cling to that man of yours like glue and that you fall in love all over again. may peace, passion and love cement your relationship for life.

emoticon remember



KIMMA34
Posts: 90
4/25/12 4:28 P

Hi,

It's a long story like everyone else.


I've been married for almost 13 years and I'm burnt out................hubby has no idea. Plus we have to great kids...

Is this wrong to feel like this?

Where are you in your marriage or not??

-Kim



LUANN_IN_PA
Posts: 15,880
4/25/12 4:07 P

Anything in particular you want advice on?



KIMMA34
Posts: 90
4/25/12 2:37 P

Hi,


Anyone wanna talk about marriage and divorce? I'm struggling...............



-Kim



 
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