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JIMIPAGE29
Posts: 2,856
10/23/12 12:33 A

I got a gun for my wife. I'm going to miss that woman



HDJAKE84
SparkPoints: (12,184)
Fitness Minutes: (10,101)
Posts: 91
10/6/12 3:49 P

How about an anti-joke?


Q. How do you make a plumber cry?


A. Kill his family.



MTGRIZ
Posts: 42
10/4/12 2:29 P

Top Ten Class Taught At Montana State University:

10. Philosophy: Why Don’t They Spell It with an “F”?

9. Pre-law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States

8. Sandwich Making: A Project Course

7. Hand-Shadow Workshop

6. Subtraction: Addition’s Tricky Friend

5. Cliff’s Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics

4. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg

3. The College Classroom: A Simulation

2. ABC’s: An Extended Version

1. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study





TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
8/30/12 9:20 A

don't remember exactly how this goes, but here goes:
A rabbit and a bear are in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit, "hey, when you take a crap, does the crap stick to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "no sir it does not" The bear then picks up the rabbit and wipes his a$$ with it!



R72485Z
Posts: 152
8/28/12 10:21 P

Thank you Girls.

Here is one from me.

This is a slightly long blog post that I wrote after one of my rather sensible friends sent me an email wherein THEY promised me a free high end laptop or a free kidney to a sweetly cute poor dying girl, somewhere in the USA (you guys do have good healthcare system, right?) if I forwarded the email to all! I forgot which one was it!
****************************************
************************************
My pathetic response to a common email.

My Dearest Ajay.

Here is a small ABSOLUTELY TRUE INCIDENT for you and all others like you who must have received a lot of BlackBerries (I LOVE Strawberries) and Windows Tablets (I only need Prozac and Viagra) and the $ 490,088,069 that I left with my Nigerian extra-virgin 19 year old wife before getting killed by Herr Kuoni Mbvutu Jhingalala, the former dictator of Kuduakarnam.



A husband once took his good wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed.

“I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said,

“Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that had been done: glass was all over the place and a broken antique bottle was lying on on it’s side near the broken window.A big fat bald man was reclining on the couch and asked,

“Are you the good people who broke my window?”

“Uh….yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that.” the husband replied.

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually, I want to thank you. You see, I am a genie and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you have released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish but, if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last complimentary one for myself.

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,

“I’d like a Crore rupees a year for the rest of my life.“

“No problem.” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do and I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And, now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world.” she said.

“Consider it done.” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters and peeling wall paints, so common here in India because of the lousy moisture retaining sand you guys use!“

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, “What’s your wish, Genie?“

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have some wild, untamed and ravishing sex with your wife for this one whole week; day in and day out; employing all kinds of all kinks and Tantric positions that I know of.“

The husband looked at his wife and said, “PraanPriya. You know we both now have a fortune, and all of those houses. What do you think?”

Although she is already excited at the Genie’s description of what all he wants to do with her, she pretends to mull over it for a while and says, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I will endure the insolence. But what about you, Parmeshwar?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d undergo the same torture for you!“

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the week enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about 604 869 seconds of non-stop whipping and lashing and licking and sucking sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both about thirty-five.” she responded breathlessly.

“And what do you do for a living?“

“He is a Hindi Medium Maths JBT Teacher and gives tuitions for P.M.T. and A.I.E.E.E. and I am the ONLY female Network Administrator for Cisco in Gurgaon.“

“NO JOKE! Thirty-five yeas old and all this education and both of you still believe in genies? Go, ask for a refund from your respective schools and pay it back to your old parents who spent all that on two idiots like YOU !“

“Ha hAh ha ha aha Haa ahhh Haaa…“

Ajay Bhai, out of the 4 Blackberry sets that you must have received by now, would you not please give me 1?

Dekh le, Bhai Nahi hai?

That was I, Rahul, laughing! Why so, because, believe it or not, I was the Genie. By God ki Kasam!



TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
8/17/12 3:28 P

a blonde calls the fire department and says, "help, my house is on fire" The fireman says, "ok, calm down, now tell me how do you get there?" The blonde says, "well, don't you still have those big red trucks?"





JERRYLOWE2012
SparkPoints: (8,481)
Fitness Minutes: (4,385)
Posts: 106
8/17/12 6:55 A

lol



TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
8/16/12 4:43 P

Ha Ha Hilarious! Thank you!



TRINITYROYAL
Posts: 2,399
8/16/12 4:29 P

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"






TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
8/16/12 1:39 P

yeah, on a day like today, I could use a good laugh!



R72485Z
Posts: 152
8/16/12 1:09 P

No more Jokes?



R72485Z
Posts: 152
8/3/12 5:01 A

AttaGirl! Trinity!

Us Men!

Who can cure us!!!

Edited by: R72485Z at: 8/3/2012 (05:04)


TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
7/31/12 3:43 P

LOL!! I needed that one. Thanks





TRINITYROYAL
Posts: 2,399
7/31/12 3:23 P

And now, one that you CAN tell the women-folk:


One Sunday morning a Catholic priest wakes up and notices it's a gorgeous day - so beautiful that he couldn't possibly turn away from playing golf.

So he decides to play but has one problem. The priest has to say Mass in just a couple of hours. The priest thinks, then asks the another priest if he would say his masses today because the first priest isn't feeling well. The other priest agrees.

So now the first priest is off to the golf course. He decides to play a little bit past town thinking that way no one could possibly see him playing golf, since he was suppose to be sick. Right before he tees off on the first hole, St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "Are you going to let him get away with that?"

Jesus replies "No, I guess not."

So the priest tees off on the first hole, the longest par 4 on the course. He hits the ball and to his surprise sinks it in!!! A hole in one!!!

St. Peter turns to Jesus and says "I thought you weren't going to let him get away with lying?"

Jesus replies: "I'm not."

St. Peter then says, "Well, he just made a hole in one on the longest par 4 of the course!!!"

Jesus turns to St. Peter and says, "Yes, but who is he going to tell???"



TRINITYROYAL
Posts: 2,399
7/31/12 3:14 P

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."



R72485Z
Posts: 152
7/31/12 11:17 A

So slow???



R72485Z
Posts: 152
7/6/12 5:58 A

I am sending it to my girl.

She does not own a gun.

I own a Beretta 418 and a .30 US Carbine Springfield.

;-)

Thanks!

Edited by: R72485Z at: 7/6/2012 (06:26)


GRAVELRIDGEBOY
SparkPoints: (29,955)
Fitness Minutes: (34,376)
Posts: 466
5/10/12 6:45 P

I got this in an email and I thought it would be good to dig up the joke thread here...lol


ERASE THESE AS SOON AS YOU READ THEM...TAKE NO CHANCES THAT YOUR WIFE COULD SEE THEM!

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

7 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

8 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

9 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

10 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

11 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

12 - Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun.



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
4/12/12 11:38 A

emoticon



NADS1959
SparkPoints: (17,308)
Fitness Minutes: (12,157)
Posts: 574
4/12/12 1:41 A

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming
from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through
the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells' "You're scaring
the hell out of all my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every
time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of
my nuts!"

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"



TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
4/11/12 4:30 P

@Gravel, now that was funny right there. LOL!!!



NADS1959
SparkPoints: (17,308)
Fitness Minutes: (12,157)
Posts: 574
4/11/12 3:52 P

HA, HA



GRAVELRIDGEBOY
SparkPoints: (29,955)
Fitness Minutes: (34,376)
Posts: 466
4/11/12 3:45 P

Worlds shortest joke:

Two women were sitting quietly...



GRAVELRIDGEBOY
SparkPoints: (29,955)
Fitness Minutes: (34,376)
Posts: 466
4/9/12 11:31 P

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
Because she got an F in sex.

========================================
==========

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
and the woman gets her master's.



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
4/7/12 6:31 P

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsess
ed/112_paris-hilton-dog_sm.jpg




NADS1959
SparkPoints: (17,308)
Fitness Minutes: (12,157)
Posts: 574
4/7/12 6:22 P

Okay, now I get it but if you have to Wikipedia a joke to get it, its not really a joke is it? I guess it really is a geeks joke. Blonde jokes are always priceless!



KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
4/6/12 5:51 P

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
----------------------------------------
-
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
----------------------------------------
-
A seal walks into a club...




KJFITNESSDUDE
Posts: 15,787
4/6/12 5:46 P

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User_Datagram_Protoc
ol


The "joke" is that UDP is unreliable and that as a message you might not get it (recieve).
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zXDo4dL7SU
emoticon



NADS1959
SparkPoints: (17,308)
Fitness Minutes: (12,157)
Posts: 574
4/6/12 3:10 P

Okay- I don't get the geekist joke ever UDP?



HUSKERLAND3
SparkPoints: (22,331)
Fitness Minutes: (35,687)
Posts: 564
4/6/12 2:51 P

I love jokes.



THOMASJBARRETT
Posts: 4
4/6/12 12:38 P

Second Geekiest Joke Ever:
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary numbers, and those who don't.

What's the geekiest joke ever? Well, it's a joke about UDP; I'd tell it to you, but you might not get it.



NADS1959
SparkPoints: (17,308)
Fitness Minutes: (12,157)
Posts: 574
4/6/12 11:47 A

I love a good joke but can never remember them. This was always takes people a few seconds to get but always brings a good laugh. I use it when ever the topic of health or weight comes up

HEY, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A VITAMIN AND A HORMONE ANYWAY?

You can't hear a vitamin.



OPAMIKE
SparkPoints: (27,409)
Fitness Minutes: (4,615)
Posts: 350
4/6/12 8:25 A

Sweet Revenge for Blond Jokes-
Why are Blond Jokes one liners?
So Men can understand them!



TURTLESDOVE
Posts: 1,061
4/5/12 12:15 P

ok, don't know what happened to the original joke thread, but here goes:

No offense to blondes, cause I used to be one:

A blonde is talking to her brunette girlfriend and tells her she's having trouble selling her car which has 250,000 miles on it. Her brunette girlfriend tells her that she knows a mechanic she can take it to and he can turn back the mileage by 200,000 miles. The blonde says she is going to do it. About a month later, they run into each other in the grocery store and the brunette asks her if she sold her car. The blonde says, "No, why would I, it only has 50,000 miles on it!"



 
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