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step son ~ looking for advice



 
 
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ANDILH
Posts: 1,175
10/18/12 8:44 P

Situations with step-children are always difficult. No matter what his mother does, if your husband isn't backing you up, there will always be a rift between you and the child. It's up to your husband to exert the control and explain that the child is to listen to you.
As a last resort and if your husband is doing everything he can to help mend the relationships, you can take the mother to court and ask the judge to help you regulate what the mother is able to say to the child about you and your husband. The child is at an age where you WILL hear what the mother has said to him, so you'll know if she's following the orders. The parent with primary custody has the ability to vilify the noncustodial parent with just a couple of words now and then. Is there a court order requiring the every other weekend visitation? Maybe that visitation could be increased to allow the child more time in your home to get away from his mother and more experience with you and your family.



EWILLIAMS1000
Posts: 217
10/18/12 2:38 A

I remarried after a diappointing first marriage that my oldest two daughters come from. They were the best to come of it. My second husband and I have five kids together but are raising all seven after my ex passed away two years ago. My oldest is alot closer to my husband and lets him love her, where as my second daughter is more hesitant and really worries about loyalty. Even after her dad died she really wanted to respect his memory and remember him and the more my husband tried to love her and include her, the more she pushed away. I have since talked with her about respect. Maybe not love but at least respect since we all live together. I don't think she will ever accept what he could offer her. She is resentful of her dad not being here. She wants her daddy and no one can replace him. Understanding the complex feeling of a small child who is highly influenced is difficult. Even if his mom is not helping, he wants his parents together, and the fact that he can't change that leads to these troubling behaviors. Show him what he's missing by loving your daughter, don't leave him out but make plenty of opportunity to let him find his spot in your family. Bake cookies together, go to the park, make his favorite dinner. Let his daddy take care of him. He will adjust if given the opportunity.



FUNNYGIRLJESS
SparkPoints: (4,130)
Fitness Minutes: (2,438)
Posts: 181
9/30/12 9:43 P

it may not seem like it now, but you have an important role in his life.
shower him with love at all times!
emoticon



FENWAYGIRL18
Posts: 5,853
9/24/12 11:31 P

I give you a lot of credit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could never take him back after getting another woman pregnant and then be disrespected by not only the child , but the woman too...
I feel so bad for you , I think I'd be wondering if the hubby is worth the hurt of seeing what he did in my face all the time and I'll be honest I couldn't. Yes the child is innocent, but I know I couldn't live with a man that put me in that kind of situation...
I hope you find some peace!



BELLE-4
Posts: 66
9/12/12 5:15 A

Very tough. I hope you have spiritual support.
I think that you should just not worry so much about loving him... that will come in time and may take a LONG TIME. You need that pressure off of yourself.

What he needs to know most is what will give him security: rules. When he comes to your home you have the rules that he needs to follow, and they will be different from his home but will always be the same in your own. If you have to bathe him then either you do it or else he stays dirty, that is simply it. Being dirty won't kill him, but letting him choose favourites will cause huge stress. Remove the ability for him to power play by choosing your husband over you. Give him two choices, either I do it and then you can play with your toys in the bath, or else you don't have fun time in the bath. That is it. Give him two choices all the time that give him the dignity of feeling he has control over himself and yet both allow you to be seen as the authority figure and eventually gets the desired outcome.

Talk to your husband and schedule the weekend so that he has father/son time with him that is completely focussed on the boy. Every child craves attention from his/her father so when he KNOWS he will get it, and alone time too, it will help give peace within the family. Your husband and you also need to be on the same page with the rules so that you are not sabotaged. Rules give the boundaries that make a child feel safe.

As for downplaying your love for your daughter, please don't. It will only hurt her. Let him see that love you have for your daughter, and explain to him AT THE SAME TIME that when he lets you love him, then he too can have this wonderful time with you. Explain to him that you don't have to be a mommy to love him, you can be an aunt or a friend. Explain he can love more than one person as every time you love someone your heart grows bigger (maybe watch the grinch movie to help get that across, you would be surprised at how that can help explain things). When he can know how you fit in each others lives, you will both be better. You can hug your daughter and then extend an arm and say, "I would love for you to be in my arms too, because you are important." You don't even have to say you love him when you feel you don't.... you just need to recognize in yourself his worth as a person, his potential in the future, and how his little heart is hurting because of his real mom sabotaging his life. Maybe he will continue to reject you, maybe he won't understand your words now, but you keep speaking in to his life and point out every single good thing about him, and he will one day respond, little by little. Build him up with real things... give him boundaries.... give him exclusive time with Daddy,... and give him two choices where you decide the parameters and he still gets a choice, and eventually.... things will go better.



DPDAVIS
SparkPoints: (94,513)
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Posts: 2,609
9/11/12 11:11 P

I will keep all of you in my prayers.



JADOMB
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Posts: 1,626
9/10/12 2:09 P

This is a tough one on so many levels. In short though, LOVE conquers all. That doesn't mean to be a push over either. You still need to show there are rules and consequences and bad behavior will NOT be tolerated. BUT, your husband needs to be with you 100% or this will fail.

He is only 4 years old, but he is not stupid, he will see what kind of example you are showing and while he may still test you, he will learn to appreciate you if you stay firm but loving. My prayers are with you on this one.



STLCARDSFANS05
Posts: 916
9/10/12 9:19 A

maybe for the sake of the child you and your husband should consider obtaining joint legal custody of the boy instead of just visitations and therefore allowing your husband more freedom to actually parent his son and be a positive influence. kids need both parents, not to be treated like a pawn (which is what it sounds like his mother is doing).



KBTYLER
Posts: 113
9/10/12 3:57 A

I have been married 20 years and when we got married he had 2 kids, 1 and 4 and it was hard and I am sorry to say my step son sounds like your step son. You have to think is your husband worth the stress. I chose yes. Your step son my never change my didn't but you should always do what your doing, never bad mouth his mom and treat him like your own. Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel when these things happen or you will blame him later for not knowing. Try a support group for step parents or a therapist to have some one you can talk freely with with out worry of hurting anyone's feelings. Email me if you ever need to vent or talk.



LIVINGISADORA
SparkPoints: (4,773)
Fitness Minutes: (3,280)
Posts: 25
9/9/12 10:08 A

Hello out there! I know this is more of a health site, but for my good mental health...any advice? I have a 4 year old step son as a result of my husbands affair. We separated for about 2 years, but we have worked through our issues and now are back together. The issue is that the 'baby mama' is just not a nice person at all and now my step-son is following in her foot steps. He cries/whines if I try to run his bath water, buckle his seat belt, etc. He just says he wants Dada to do it....not me. We've come along way, but frankly his existance is the worst thing that ever happened to me and now I need to LOVE him. I'm trying. I'm there most of the time, after all, none of this was his doing. But how do I draw the line with having him disrespect me and not being overbearing based on my own issues? I'm not trying to be his mother, and I NEVER say anything negative about his mother, but she tells him things like he does not have to care about me. He has been told by her that I am NOT his 'step-mother', I'm just his daddy's wife. (She also won't let him refer to his 'daddy' as his FATHER). Stress relief? Anyone else been there? I also have a 5 year old daughter, who is the light of my life and I am very careful to try and not let that show through to him. But every other weekend, our lives are turned upsidedown!



 
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