On paper, my plans for recovery might look easy.
Eat without restricting.
Eat without fasting.
Eat without taking diet pills.
Eat without taking laxatives.
Eat without bulimia.
Eat without over exercising afterwards.
Eat without crying.
Eat without anorexic thoughts.
Except, I hadn't eaten a meal without doing any of those "behaviors" in 6-7 years.
I am in recovery from anorexia nervosa, purge type. I had tried to recover before but it always ended in failure.
During June 2009, I quit my job and began to work on recovery. I was suppose to go from 91-109.
In the beginning, I cried after eating because it felt like torture. Most of the time, I felt physically drained and I fell asleep right after eating. There were other times that it hurt too much to be still.
During recovery, my only accomplishments involved walking to the kitchen table, eating breakfast, crying, resting, and repeating the process two more times for lunch and dinner.
Most days, I have the eating part down but I still hesitate and there are some foods like mayo and butter that i'm not ready to eat.
I haven't let go of all the eating disordered thoughts that felt so right.
I've also had to put away my size double zero pants. The hardest part is that I still can't gauge my size. I fit in 1's and 3's but in my mind, I feel like i've grown twice in size.
I still entertain the eating disordered thoughts and sometimes I come dangerously close to engaging in the behaviors.
Every now and then, the urge and need to addict in the behaviors becomes unbearably loud.
Choosing to relapse or recover is a daily choice.
Recovery doesn't wipe away all the eating disordered thoughts.
I am also weight restored now; sometimes my weight dips down. I have slowly been given back the freedom of planning my meals, cooking my food and selecting the ingredients.
After all these months, my blood pressure is still low. I get tired easily and I have to sit back down.
I was diagnosed with gastritis on May 2010 and I am on medication.
(I wrote most of my blogs before recovery.)
There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation
for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are.
You want one and I
want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit,
and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect.
And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.Ē
-Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu
Leave all your love and your longing behind--You can't carry it with you if you want to survive -F. Welsh
Itís not the act of eating that leaves me immobile;
afraid that the tiny thread that tethers and keeps me sane and functioning,
Itís the extremes, between the emptiness and satiety, the wanting and denying, the amplification of thoughts and suppressed actions.
The acceptance and disappointment, that maybe I was never in control and that I can't do this by myself
I am no longer under the minimum requirement for my age and height. I am working on recovery from disordered eating including anorexia, purging disorder, exercise
bulimia, laxative, diet pill overuse and restrictive eating.
| current weight: 100.0