Summer 2009, out on a pub crawl for a friend's birthday - about 190 lbs.
Me at a party I threw in February 2010. Around 180 lbs
Me in 2007, at or near my chubbiest - 221 lbs. This is one of the only photos I can find of me in that period - I rarely let anybody take any. I still tend to get nervous when the camera comes out but I'm slowly learning to relax.
Someone once said to me that for you to devote yourself to a goal, it has to become sacred. You can say you're trying to lose weight, you can give yourself reasons you ought to do it, you can diet for awhile, but you won't really ever get anywhere until it hits that spot inside, that sacred spot, when you know you won't ever let it go till you reach it.
In January 2008 I hit that moment when the goal of losing this weight became sacred. I had watched my weight balloon over the previous few years, due mostly to comfort eating related to the depression I was suffering, and I was ready for it to stop. Sacred ready. It had to do with the fact that in September I was moving to England (from the US) to start a PhD program. I knew that when I started it, I would be ready to become a new me, free of the depression and crippling body-image issues I'd been having, ready to begin my dating and social life anew (my marriage was in the process of ending). I was ready to grow (or shrink, really) into a new shell, the shell of my next self.
And I did - I lost 35 lbs in 6 months, which was enough that acquaintances did a double-take when seeing me again. At this point, although I still had another 20 or so pounds to lose to be into my healthy range, I lost sight of my sacred goal - I think, ironically, it was because of my very sense of accomplishment with what I had already done, I felt it was enough, that I had successfully transformed.
It's now been 1.5 years since starting my PhD. I'm newly single again, and am adoring the single life - I get to focus on me myself and I alone! I don't know why it happened again this time (perhaps I'll understand better with time), but the goal has recently become sacred to me again. I have been on and off this site since August 2009 and have managed to lose another 15 lbs, but I did this in fits and starts, because the goal wasn't sacred and I would give up after small successes, just enough to put a bandaid on my insecurity, to make myself feel like I was in control.
Now I'm not going to give up until I reach it. No excuses. I'm feeling a new self coming on again (a single, free and even happier self?), and it needs a new, beautiful shell.
-Lose 15 lbs more to get into my healthy range.
-Be able to walk the 25 to 30 miles per day necessary to hike in the Alps - while wearing a loaded backpack! Right now I'm exhausted after 12 miles.
-Be able to wear skinny jeans - no "muffin top" in sight!
-Improve the health of my knees, ankles and feet by losing weight, so that I can keep walking and running forever!
-Be able to wear gorgeous dresses that have a waistline.
-Stop my thighs brushing together.
-Exercise 6 days a week - mostly hiking, swimming and jogging.
-Read something motivational each day.
Originally from San Francisco. I've lived in New York City, upstate New York, rural Pennsylvania, and now I'm living in Leamington Spa, UK. I'm a PhD student in FilmStudies.
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| current weight: 412.0