L0LLYGAGGIN  
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I Am What I Am...

I just wanna live. I have kids, fur-babies, and life to live.

I'm really struggling right now.... having trouble with the "grey areas".

Growing up I was a normal sized kid with a distorted view of myself. Think of how you look in one of those fun-house mirrors. Well that's what I saw of myself. My oldest daughter is my high school weight. I see her and I recognize now, that there was nothing wrong with me and I wasn't as disgusting as I thot I was.

...
I just wanna live. I have kids, fur-babies, and life to live.

I'm really struggling right now.... having trouble with the "grey areas".

Growing up I was a normal sized kid with a distorted view of myself. Think of how you look in one of those fun-house mirrors. Well that's what I saw of myself. My oldest daughter is my high school weight. I see her and I recognize now, that there was nothing wrong with me and I wasn't as disgusting as I thot I was.

My father didn't help with my self-image problem, if anything he contributed to it. He demanded I get up at 4 am and do extreme exercises everyday. For a 5'8" girl, he felt that if I weighed over 129 lbs, I weighed too much. There was no room for my voice and there was no escape. I remember being grabbed under the chin, shoved up against the wall, and being told "this is disgusting, when are you going to lose this weight?".

By the time I escaped their home, I was forced into a marriage with someone I didn't love. He was my parents choice, and again, I had no voice. I spent 10 years with this guy, and while I have 2 wonderful children from this marriage, I was miserable. I ate ate ate to fill the void and "because I could". There was no restrictions on what I could eat, as long as I could afford it, there was all kinds of food out there for me.

I remember eating days where I would get 2 foot long subs from subway for lunch, and then for dinner, order 2 med or lg pizzas from either PizzaHut or Dominoes. I would eat both subs or pizzas, in one sitting. I alternated pizza joints so ppl at the pizza place wouldn't know I was ordering pizzas every day. Chinese food was also a favorite addiction to alternate in this destructive pattern, 2 large entrees, of course.

My extreme dislike of throwing up has kept me from purging. I've done the binging, that's for sure. I'm not sure what you call a person who binges but doesn't purge. I hate exercising, it's like reliving those years of when it wasn't an option.

I really just want to live and be happy. I have shared all this so you can understand where I'm coming from. I am not able to "quit food" as our bodies need fuel to keep us going. So how do I find that "grey area" that I spoke of toward the top of this post? How do you conquer a food addiction?

Thanks for taking the time to read.

~Des

"I am what i am because of the experiences and influences that have shaped my life. Take me as I am or just leave me the heck alone."

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Read More About L0LLYGAGGIN (Updated August 7)




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Member Since: 1/7/2006

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i''M oRiGiNaLLy FRoM CeNTRaL iLLiNoiS, & i''M aN aRMy WiFe & MoTHeR oF 6, CuRReNTLy LiViNG iN ViRGiNia. FeeL FRee To eMaiL Me aNYTiMe aT: drodcay@ymail.com

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I am who I am because of the experiences and influences that have shaped my life. Take me as I am or just leave me the heck alone!

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Member Comments:
LADYVOLSFAN1954
12/23/2011 1:48:41 PM

Just stopping by to wish you a very blessed Christmas and Happy New Year. I hope you find what you are looking for. It will be hard at times but don't give up. You are amazing!
Ramona



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JOHNHARNEY
5/1/2010 12:32:47 AM

HI I HOPE YOU HAVE A BLESSED AND HEALTHY BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND. I HAVE POSTED SOME NEW BLOGS THE LAST FEW DAYS. I HOPE YOU CAN FIND TIME TO READ AT LEAST TWO OF THEM OUT OF FOUR AND I THINK YOU WILL SEE WHY. LOVE ALWAYS JOHN emoticon emoticon emoticon 1. {RAPIST'S NEW TRICK } 2. {GOOD STUFF} 3. { AN AMAZING MAN } 4. { HOW TO PLANT A GARDEN }



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JOHNHARNEY
4/1/2010 7:31:32 PM

HI I JUST WANT TO WISH YOU A BLESSED EASTER. I HAVE 3 GOOD BLOGS THAT GO A LONG WITH EASTER. { SECONDS WITH JESUS} {CONCENTRATE ON THIS SENTENCE} [YOU TOOK MY PLACE} I HOPE YOU WILL TAKE THE TIME TO READ THEM. {GOD IS GOOD} emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



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JOHNHARNEY
1/22/2010 1:27:10 AM

HI JUST A NOTE TO SAY HI AND HOPE YOU ARE DOING GREAT. I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN BY LATELY AND IT'S BECAUSE I BEEN BUSY DOING SO MANY THINGS. LET'S MAKE THIS YEAR A HAPPY MEMORY FOR 2010. WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE TODAY AND WE WILL GET A GOOD RESULT TOMORROW. WE CAN DO THIS ONE DAY AT A TIME. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU HAVE OWNERSHIP OF. LOVE ALWAYS JOHN emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



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JOHNHARNEY
12/11/2009 4:17:07 PM

HI JUST A NOTE TO SAY HI AND HOPE YOU ARE DOING GREAT. THIS IS A HARD SEASON TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES, BUT IF WE DO WE WILL GET SOME GOOD RESULTS WHICH IS A NICE GIFT. I HOPE YOU HAVE A MERRY XMAS AND A HEALTHY ONE AND HAVE A BLESSED DECEMBER. LOVE ALWAYS JOHN emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon



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