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I am doing my best to live a happier and healthier life. I'm 30 and want to make my 30s the best time of my life!

I'm 5'9" and have been overweight for most of my adult life. A couple years ago, I tried once again to make enough changes to lose weight. Somehow, it worked. I've gone from 235 to 144 lbs now. Everyone keeps telling me how great I look. It's got me feeling at the top of the world sometimes.. most of the time, though, I am terrified. I feel like I just barely have control of this, that I could so easily let it all go.

And I still feel like I'm fat. There are so many things I don't like about my body, and I'm trying to obsess over them less. It's hard to even accept compliments sometimes, though. I wonder if they're just being nice. I still feel really fat... and it horrifies me to remember how much worse it was. I'm so afraid of going back to that. I feel like it will get even harder as I continue to age.

Each day is a struggle with food. I've never had a good relationship with food. I guess it's as healthy now as it's ever been, and that's really promising. But I still overeat, and I eat unhealthy things. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even in control of myself. I want to learn to take care of myself and trust myself.

It's often hard for me to exercise enough. I've been having some success with jogging.. something that I never thought I could do! It's awesome to go from being beyond winded after 30 seconds of jogging to being able to go and go and go... my record so far is 50 minutes! But I need to do it more often. I need more variety. I need to stretch. And I really need to strength train. I know these things. It's just the mental battles that I want to start winning.

I can't believe I'm 30. I still feel like such an immature child. It's really hard to realize you've been stuck on survive for so long, just coasting through life without really trying at anything, until you end up middle-aged and clueless about really taking care of yourself. And yet, there are the wrinkles to prove that you are old enough to know better.

So here I am, trying to overcome all this doubt, fear, self-loathing, issues with food, laziness, gosh, just so many things that I'm afraid could not only hinder my further progress, but could undo it altogether. I've never been this close to health. I can't let it go.

Member Since: 11/14/2012

Fitness Minutes: 294

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I've lost the weight that I have so far through calorie reduction & exercise, mostly jogging. I've been keeping track of my food through MyFitnessPal, and have recently switched to the Spark trackers. I gradually worked my way up from being able to jog for 30 seconds to 50 minutes. Adding that cardio helped shed more weight after a long plateau.

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"What you do today can improve all your tomorrows." - Ralph Marston

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." - Dr. Seuss

Read More About RACHELLAUREENE - Profile Information moved here. (Updated May 31)

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    Stop by my page and let me know u r back...

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    1356 days ago

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    1514 days ago
    I'm so happy to know that I am helping you. Being able to help guide others into living healthier helps me feel worthwhile - something that I don't often feel due to the restrictions from my conditions and from my past.

    Do you truly not understand why I'd spend the time helping you? You're worth the time and effort to be helped. I'll say that again: You're worth the time and effort to be helped. I know sometimes it's hard for us to believe that, but it's true. And in helping you, I'm helping myself some too. Our journeys might be different physically, but mentally we're more alike than different. I have an idea of what to say to you because I've been fighting some of the same issues in myself. My past is a total mess of issues, and it's taken a terrible toll on me. I fight myself daily because of all I've been through, much the same as you seem to. This means I get to share with you what I've learned, what I'm trying to learn, and what I've been told but have yet to believe or understand. When we come across others who have similar difficulties, it can be easier to see the truths in them than we can in ourselves.

    Life is more difficult on some of us than on others, but when we work together and make it easier on each other, we can all come out ahead. The best way to share the good and the beauty I know is inside you is to always keep trying. Don't try to be perfect, just try to do better. Forgive yourself, celebrate yourself, and live your truths - not all the junk that others have piled on you. It takes a lot of time and effort to change the bad habits we've been taught all our lives (not just eating unhealthy, but feeling unhealthy too). It is a very uncomfortable journey, but that's what makes the journey worthwhile. We find our best self when we are willing to break out of our little hole in the world and put in the effort to find who we really are and what we can accomplish.

    Now give yourself a big hug for me! Know that no matter what bad thoughts are running through your head, there are people here (and your boyfriend too!) who care about you and believe in you. No matter how many mistakes you make, we'll keep believing. Making mistakes is how we learn, and learning is far more important than feeling guilty. Love to you, sweetie!
    1538 days ago
  • v RIGEIN24
    I know you've felt guilty in the past for being absent but I want you to know it's nothing to feel guilty about! Just be good to yourself and if you ever need help, let someone know. I hope you are well!
    1579 days ago
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    Keep adding Spark Friends. Keep making those connections!

    No need to ask. We are friendly and don't bite!

    Here are a few that have Sparked me.....

    1593 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/10/2013 8:25:05 AM
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