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I have been on this site since 2006 and I think I am FINALLY going to do it this time. Between not having the confidence to keep a job long and not knowing whether my mom will be able to keep our house from one month to the next, it's hard to find the motivation to keep going. I lost my horse in 2010 because my boss was being a ***** and when I moved my horse, I had to sell her because I couldn't afford to keep her. I finally made the realization that having a horse was the link to me having self-esteem and being able to cope with people. I know chances are I will never be able to buy her back; she is only 8 and who knows, the people who own her now may actually keep her for another 30 years. I need to do this so I have the confidence to get another job (although I am working on my own business) and I do want to be able to afford another horse SOON.

I have always had weight problems. I first gained it when my mother and I moved to NH from PA in 1986 when I was 7. In 1993 I started a 'diet' and went all out and lost almost 60 pounds and I was looking good. In 1994, my sister decided to move in with us from PA and that winter I gained it all back. She did nothing but bully me and I lost all my self-confidence. To this day I can't hear her name without being stressed. She gets mad because I don't want to do anything with her (she is 10 years older than me) but I just can't handle it. If I know she is coming over, I stay in my room. Sometimes I can cope with her; most of the time I can't. She has done so much psychological damage that it is amazing that I can even function. After I graduated HS I was able to lose 20 when I started working with horses. It's been up and down ever since. Right now I live with my mother and she is ALWAYS buying sweets and cooking unhealthy food. It's really hard to have to the willpower while I'm living with her, but I'm trying. She is somewhat reluctant to try new food so I just cook for myself and if she wants to try anything, I make extra.

That's about it. Most people, if they are going to get bullied, get bullied at school. Not me; I get bullied when I get home and I had nowhere to go and nobody to talk to (I didn't even have any self-confidence to make friends); to this day, I do everything by myself. I try to get my brother to do stuff with me when he visits from PA but he spends 99% of his time texting on his phone. He keeps saying he'll put the phone away. Haven't seen that change yet. So I have basically learned to avoid people and do everything by myself. Unfort6unately it has also made me opinionated. I try to help people through my message board posts and I apologize if they come out snotty and opinionated. I'm not trying to put anyone down. I have just never learned to interact with people!

Member Since: 12/8/2006

Fitness Minutes: 18,621

My Goals:
I would like to get my business off the ground, lose 100 pounds (or at least reach 160 pounds and go from there), buy a horse and move out of the house. I love my mom, but I HATE living at home. I want to move back to South Carolina so I can enjoy the warmth for most of the year.

My Program:
Right now I am taking it slow. I am starting out by tracking my food and I'm hoping to start walking in the cemetery again. If true Spring would only arrive! We have ghosts in the house so I hate exercising in the house; I will do belly dance videos but I feel silly. I constantly feel like I'm being watched and I have physically felt their presence; I end up feeling paranoid. Silly, but true. Another issue I have to overcome. I just need someone to go do stuff with outside. I'm too afraid to try new things alone.

Personal Information:
I am originally from Pittsburgh, PA and currently live in Dover, NH. I am a country girl at heart and after spending a winter in Aiken, SC, I can't wait to go back! I am 34 and I'm tired of feeling self-conscience at the beach (which is why I don't go). I haven't been swimming since 2002 and I miss it SOOO much. That is so sad, considering I am 45 minutes from the beach and an hour away from the mountains.

Other Information:
I am actually what everyone would consider a geek. I love to read, although I have been slacking on that recently. I love watching old TV shows like the 90s Zorro series, 50s Superman, Mister Ed, Donna Reed, Dick Van Dyke, etc. I currently know English and I did take 3 years of Spanish in High School, although I forgot most of it. Currently I am brushing up on Spanish and learning Chinese, Arabic, Swedish, German, Dutch, Russian, and Italian. I have the Russian version of War and Peace and I am currently translating it. This is book one of two books. Maybe by the time I am 70 I can start translating the second one! I stopped listening to American music about maybe 10 years ago. I like listening to European and Scandinavian. I love it! Timoteij (Swedish), K3 (Dutch), In-Yan (Russian), Vincent & Fernando (German) and Helene Fischer (German) are my favorites. America seems to be too much into rap and people who can't sing so I gave up (yes, I'm an American).

Read More About VELVETMERLIN - Profile Information moved here. (Updated March 21)

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    Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
    -Audrey Hepburn emoticon
    433 days ago
    Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I know everyone means well on this website, but sometimes things can be interpreted the wrong way, etc. Thanks for understanding why I keep my food journal private.

    Everyone has great suggestions that may work for them, but bottom line, none of those suggestions have worked for me. I've tried everything imaginable. Something else is missing- something strange that only a small percentage of the population has suffered from.

    You're a wonderful Sparkfriend :) Thanks again for the warm, kind, supportive comment. emoticon
    1197 days ago
    I love your kitties!
    1211 days ago
    I'm slowly trying to get this page up and running! I'm not the best decorator and my messages tend to be long-winded at times. I need more friends though...

    No...that is NOT a picture of me. I have always hated having my picture taken. Between hating the way I look to the sneers that I look like I'm always giving, they just never worked to my advantage! That is a picture of singer Nancy Ajram from Lebanon. I am a third generation Lebanese...I wonder if we are related...
    1223 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/20/2013 11:01:36 PM
    Hang on in there :):)
    2308 days ago
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