Monday, October 28, 2013
I was always the first to say "Everything happens for a Reason" or "Let go - Let God" and I truly believed that He brought me to it I would come out better for it on the other side. I have always been "the other people" - You know the one everyone talks about - "that can't happen to me it happens to other people". I am Other People - weird, hard, unlucky stuff happens in my life. I have always been able to roll with it, maybe not always as gracefully as I would like, but roll with it none the less. Then came the test...
My husband has always had a drinking problem and chose to drink and drive. I told him I would leave if anything happened - until it did. He was driving home from work out of state, fell asleep and, with the cruise control on, hit another vehicle. Thankfully both he and the other driver lived but both required surgery. Due to his failed construction business we were just climbing to the top of a deep financial hole. This did not help. Many medical and court appointments later, he was convicted of DUI with great bodily injury. His employer was willing to put him into an in-patient rehab for whatever time the courts deemed. According to our public defender this would be the best for all parties and he felt confident this would be the action taken. I prayed about this for a long time and I felt at peace that this would be the outcome and all of us could eventually heal from this as a family.
In court, the probation officer confirmed this was acceptable and appropriate along with severe fines and restitution to the victim. The judge agreed the facility mentioned was court approved; then the DA spoke up. He said this was an egrigiously violent crime and cited a statute typically used in armed robbery that if you injury someone in the commission of a felony that is not your accomplice it is termed a violent crime. The judge even had the attorneys come into his chambers. Unfortunately there was no argument, just because the statute was typically used for a different type of crime did not mean it could't be used. My husband was given 4 year and 4 months in prison and mandated to serve a minimum of 3 years 8 months due to the label of violent.
That was 2 and a half years ago now. He has 13 months to go. For the first 2 years he was housed at a prison 810 miles away. Due to finances, I was only able to see him twice in those years and my kids not at all. He is now about 70 miles away and the kids have been to see him a couple of times. I try to go at least every few weeks. My husband's self-esteem is in the dirt and unfortuntely they have no counseling there although they do have some inmate run AA meetings. I have had issues with depression, anxiety and anger. My kids are angry. We live in a very rural area and there are no free counseling services available here. I even looked into the Al-Anon meetings and they no longer run them here. Go figure!
Anyway - that is all background...in the last couple of years I really have not felt the presence of God like I always did. I was angry at Him at first but now just feel empty. I don't know how to restore my faith... I have talked to a pastor friend of mine who just encourages me to pray and that I will restore my relationship with God through prayer. I have never been one to go to church as I find many people too hypocritical there. Lately though everywhere I look there are signs that I need to turn to Him. I'm just not sure how to do that yet... We still have a long row to hoe when he comes home and I know that we will be stronger and more able to cope with that if I can turn to the Lord, but I just don't feel Him... And maybe I still don't trust him... and probably I am still very angry with him... and so on and so on... But how can I restore that faith I used to have?