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A ghost in your machine.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hey every one, I have been meaning to get time to sit down and talk to you all for quite some while, but being me it always takes me a long time to just pull up a chair and join the party. well here I am.

So its been a while I think I last told you about my exciting news about my story being read on Canada's Vinyl Cafe, some time next spring. I am still on a high from that which is probably why I haven't really done much writing since just a few poems and that's been about it really. But then this past year has really been a vast struggle for me. I find it hard to find the words but I need to be honest with you- my depression has been really bad, so bad I spent most of the spring in hospital and I can feel my self unwinding again, there I said it. I love spark and I love being a part of it all and I sometimes get so very low and lonely that I find I am frozen and can't add my thoughts to any of the groups I am in. I do read everything but putting my two penny's worth in is so difficult at times. But I am here, as a ghost in the back ground busy burning the calories and working my job and fixing up the house, (its falling down) and eating far far too much. But I am here.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LABRYS32726 9/19/2014 9:52AM

    Good to hear from you! I struggle a lot with what I term "angst" but worry could be depression. I just keep going, putting one foot in front of the other, and plan on feeling better at some point ahead. Just yesterday I blogged about my feelings of frustration and that I may indeed be a lunatic just holding the behavior in emoticon .

It's good to just keep moving and doing what you are capable of. I hope you will be able to do that without having any further hospitalization. BUT, if you do, then you know that is what you need to do to get past it.

Hang in there! emoticon

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BBEAGAN 9/17/2014 6:45PM

  Depression is brutally immobilizing... Good for you staying with SP as a lurker, even when you don't feel like posting for months at a time...

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HIPPICHICK1 9/17/2014 12:09PM

    Wow!! That is amazing news! Congrats!!
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I am big fan of the Vinyl Cafe and I'm always delighted when I catch it on the radio. I have a little transistor radio that I use in the pottery and CBC is my favorite station.
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I'm so sorry to hear about your depression. I kind of know how you feel. I was so depressed and anxiety-ridden that at one point I considered the concept of just not being around anymore. It started to look better and better. I never really contemplated suicide, but I was starting to think an early death wouldn't be so bad. That's when I knew something was really wrong. I decided to take care of my brain my taking care of what I ate. Specifically, I credit my recovery to three things: no sugar, no wheat and a cleanse to rid myself of toxins. I had to ramp up to eliminating a lot of food from my diet, but once I did the depression went away and the anxiety stopped, over time and gently, until one day I noticed that things were just so much better and I was starting to feel like being social again. And I was much nicer to myself and to my husband. You might want to consider getting rid of sugar, in baby steps as per Spark prescription. Google "sugar and depression" and see what you get.
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MAWMAW101 9/17/2014 9:22AM

    Be sure to know you helped lots of people with your honesty and you are in my thoughts and prayers as well. Take care of yourself in any way possible and know we are always here!
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Phyllis~~

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BROOKLYN_BORN 9/17/2014 5:52AM

    Hi Sarah,
I glad to know you're still out there. Some days I just read SP even if I don't have much to add myself. Whatever I do, it helps me to log in and know that sparkers are still out there, some more active than others.

It's like a safe haven - someplace I know I can return if I want/need too.

Hang in there.
Eileen

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DSJB9999 9/17/2014 1:13AM

    Sarah don't worry about joining the SPARK regularly, sometimes just reading stories and ideas can be enough to keep me grounded too! Someone will always be here for you when/if you need us. You are FAR more valuable than a ghost. Hope the house is coming along as you would like it too. emoticon emoticon Donna x

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SHAMROCKY2K 9/16/2014 10:01PM

    You realize more than most about yourself. You put yourself out there.. a great step. One thing I do know is that whatever exercise you like.. a walk.. dancing up a storm.. can help. Of course WE will be here for you. I could not have gotten through one particular time without my spark friends.
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DEBIGENE 9/16/2014 8:01PM

    Always know that we are here and I for one will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. I do not know this kind of depression but it seems it is very common. I have no advise on this matter but I'm sure you know what needs to be done. Do it my friend, whatever it takes, don't let it take you !!!

I am here if you want to talk. I support you and care about you. emoticon

Comment edited on: 9/16/2014 8:02:10 PM

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FLOSSB 9/16/2014 4:36PM

    emoticon
I hear you hard for us as we get older and things are strained, makes you even more depressed. I will keep you in my prayers.

good you keep trying that is all we can do. Flo

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vinyl cafe are going to read my story on air!!

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share this with you the Vinyl Cafe (CBC radio) are going to use my story on air!!!! I don't exactly know when yet but wow I mean wow!!!

and here it is for you all to have a look at...

Winters can be very long here on the isle of Lewis, they are not always frosty and snow covered but they can be very wet and wild. Our first couple of winters here on the island sure have been. We soon learned that the high winds would carry off anything that wasn’t tied down, from planters to our old yellow fibreglass kayak, which usually takes two of us to lift, that sailed two fields over and was surrounded by curious sheep when we spotted it the next morning. Each spring is eagerly watched for, first the willows will start to bud, then the primroses begin to bloom, but the sure sign that spring has come at last; comes with the cuckoo, its calls throughout the glen herald the calmer weather. People start to appear, folks you might not have seen since New Year are out and about in their gardens or checking on their sheep, awaiting the first lambs. The days start to get a little longer; it’s no longer dark by 4pm and its then that my mind turns to the coming task of digging the peats.
We were given a peat bank the first year we moved out here. A neighbour took us out onto the moor and pointed out a low heather covered hummock, half cut away to reveal the black crusty peat beneath. It looked just like all the other peat banks, there were dozens of them up on the high moors, but this one was special, this one was ours, this one could keep our house warm all winter, heat our water and provide cooking fuel in the ancient kitchen range which was the heart of our home. Now all we had to do was come up here, cut and dry the peat then haul it home and stack it ready for winter use! Everyone warned me how hard it would be, how my back would hut, how the midges would bite, how it wasn’t worth the effort. They shuck their heads when I went up evening after evening after evening with my spade and cut and stacked the peat, what they didn’t know was how much I looked forward to it. You see I come from a busy town in England where finding a quiet corner with just minimal noise and people can be difficult, so a whole moor to my self was wonderful, beautiful, sheer heaven! Although it was not silent, far from it, at first all I could hear was my own huffing and puffing as I staggered about in the mud, but after a while other sounds crept into my consciousness. The high ‘peeping’ song of the golden plover nesting on the moors caught my attention first, I spent ages trying decipher which direction the plaintive sounds were coming from; then I noticed that when a raven flew over head making honking sounds as it went you could hear its wing beats, yes that’s how quiet it was. The funniest sounds where the squeaks of the sheep pulling up and eating the reeds which grew in tussocks, they’d bury their heads in the reeds, chomp on the bases and pull, their teeth squeaking on the tough shiny green stalks as they tried to up root them. But my favourite sound, the one that kept me on the moor and stopped my in my tracked was the skylarks. I cant begin to describe their song to you, it truly is only something you can experience for your selves, all I know is that for some digging the peats really is about the hard work, but for me the digging is just a reason to get me up onto the moors so that I can stand and listen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DSJB9999 9/7/2014 12:48PM

    emoticon emoticon sorry I haven't seen this before emoticon

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TESAM2931 7/1/2014 4:13PM

    Lovely story
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CATHY629 7/1/2014 4:59AM

    What a lovely story,congratulations.
Cathy

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SWEETPEA20121 6/18/2014 9:26PM

  Awesome! Congrats. It sounds beautiful.

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SHEENADEE 6/13/2014 1:10PM

    emoticon

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CYBERCITYSHELL 5/30/2014 8:54AM

    Congratulations Sarah, no wonder they want to air your story. It sounds such a beautiful place. And it shines through in the way that you tell it emoticon

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DEEGIRL50 5/26/2014 12:47AM

    emoticon A well deserved honor! Celebrating with you.
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DEBIGENE 5/25/2014 10:16PM

    WOW !!! You have a talent for sure. Your story is so beautifully put in your own words and I could almost smell the peat !!!

CONGRATULATIONS on such a terrific achievement. !!!

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DR1939 5/25/2014 7:18PM

    Congratulations!

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EGRAMMY 5/25/2014 5:26PM

    emoticon Wonderful. So proud of you.

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HERMIEME 5/25/2014 4:07PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon story!!! This is a huge achievement - I know - I'm Canadian and I know Vinyl Cafe is an institution - a long standing one!

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June Baby.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

As part of my writing course this year we were asked to write an autobiographical piece but from a different point of view, i spent ages thinking about which part of my past i should write about, in the end i decide i would write about my sister Jeannie, some of you will know her better than others, i have shown this to my mum and she seemed to think that it was ok to send, and i wanted to share it with you.

A June baby.


I’d always meant to go get the ring on Thursday morning, but stuff happens, you know? So by the time I got to the jewellers it was shut, half day closing. Who does that any more? We don’t do that at the super market, we went 24 hour last June, so now there are shifts round the clock. I do a lot of night shifts now, its quiet here at three in the morning, no one to bother me down here in Home and Leisure. I try and stay down the front of the store, don’t go up the far isles towards the back, although I can see the signs on the back wall, pictures of cheeses and salami to show the shoppers that this is the deli section. I can see them over the shelving as I restack the CDs and DVDs. That’s where my Jeannie worked, slicing the meats, cutting the cheeses. I’d see here talking to customers, letting them try before they buy. But I can’t go up there any more, can’t stand to see it, they offered me a transfer after it happened, thought I’d be better off working in another store…not so many memory’s, less awkward all round for me and for them too I suppose. But no, I couldn’t leave, sometimes the memory’s help, I go over and over it trying to change that night, turn back the clock, wind it right back. My life is full of what ifs now. But how far would I wind it back? To the staff meeting perhaps, that made me late? It made me get there after one when the staff had locked the small shop and Jeannie’s engagement ring was trapped there inside until the morning, the morning of her eighteenth birthday. My plans were in ruins, I wouldn’t be able to turn up at her house early with it. I would have to change my plans. Maybe if I had come up with a different plan, a better plan, any plan other than the one I did come up with, I long so much to not have phoned her, to not have told her I would be busy all day, couldn’t give her a lift home that night and would meet her back at her parents house at ‘sixish’. She was upset, understandably so, I’d kept the ring a secret you see, we’d told our family’s we wanted to get engaged, but they said at eighteen we were far too young. I’d hoped the ring would prove to them all that we were serious. I have a suspicion she knew I’d got her something special, because I remember how disappointed she was when I handed over the oversized card while she was working, across the deli counter, and apologised again for her having to get herself home. If only she’d managed to get that shift swap, not had to work on her birthday, they have introduced that as policy here now, it’s a perk of the job, you get an extra days holiday because you automatically get the day off. I’d like to think its because of what happened but its just good PR really. So when I finished, off I raced to get the ring, glad to be in the car, it was poring with rain, I was thinking that we would have to have the fireworks I’d bought on another night although tonight was November the fifth. There’s another what if, maybe if she’d been born in summer, not been a bonfire baby? But no, I can’t turn the clock back that far, can I? I wish, oh how I wish I could, then it would have all been alright, everything would be alright, we’d still be together. Maybe if the train guard had let her take her bike on the train, instead of refusing her, it was wet, the train was packed. So instead she set off to cycled the seven miles home. She loved her bike, had bought it with her first wage, had always wanted one, and cycled everywhere. If only I’d got there before half day closing, I go over and over and over that day, that pointless meeting, that train guard, no one swapping the shift, the tanker driver, not seeing her, I freeze frame when ever I come to that part. I know from the inquest, he didn’t see her, he says he even rolled down his window to see better at the junction, he looked both ways and there was nothing there, no traffic. No she was cycling in front of his cab, he didn’t look down. He never saw her. If I could turn the clock back at all, that is the time I would alter, the time I would change, it was all fixable up until then. I’d got the ring, and was at her house with her sisters waiting, we’d rigged up a banner, I’d showed them the ring. A policeman came to her house, we were all so happy up until then, we’d come up with a crazy plan to all hide and jump out on her; knowing she would be cold and cross at having to cycle home in the rain, but the ring and the banner and the cake would make up for all that. But someone at the door brought us out of hiding, stopped all our smiles dead. She was dead, we stood there. Time stopped. If only I could rewind it, play it over again, start a fresh. Maybe this time make her a June baby.

thankyou for reading it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CYBERCITYSHELL 11/26/2013 2:57AM

    I'm so sorry for your sad loss Sarah. It was good reading, but very sad. So much in life would be really really different if we could change one thing we did in our life. If we went in a different direction the whole picture would have been so different. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SERENE-BEAN 11/25/2013 9:34AM

    Wow. emoticon

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PJBONARRIGO 11/24/2013 8:18PM

    Wow- this was a riveting read, on the edge of my seat. Just hoping it's really fiction. (((hugs)))

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DEBIGENE 11/24/2013 12:33PM

    WOW you really are talented !!! Thanks for sharing it with us, I enjoyed reading it.

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Vertual walk across Bulgaria.

Sunday, August 04, 2013

I belong to the where are you walking to team and I just thought that after all the awful weather we have been having up here in the North of Scotland this vertical walk might be a good one to follow so I have put up a link to the actual walk so that you can take a look at where I am walking to. I record all my distances on the fitbit, as you can see its quite a long walk but I usually manage to get there each month...

Possible routes -
138 miles - Veliko Tarnovo to Sofia
maps.google.com/maps?saddr=Veliko+Tarnov
o,
+Bulgaria&daddr=Sofia,+Bulgaria&hl=en&
sll=42.698586,25.609131&sspn=6.604144,
10.393066&geocode=FVpIkQId_-KGASndkZQ9
SyGpQDHAXb9pEqAABA%3BFW-EiwIdRtxjASn1e
zHLgoaqQDFgXr9pEqAABA&oq=Velik&doflg=ptm
&mra=ls&t=m&z=9



I will keep up dating!!


1st - 2miles
2nd - 7miles
3rd - 3miles
4th - 4.5miles

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEEGIRL50 8/6/2013 5:45AM

    Virtual Walks emoticon I love using my imagination. I didn't know there was a whole team out there virtual walking!
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NOREGRET2010 8/5/2013 5:07PM

    Sounds fun!! :) I got behind in logging my virtual walk, sigh. Just getting my food logged the last couple weeks has been about all I could do! Go you!!!

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TRAVELGRRL 8/4/2013 10:42AM

    Fun! Walk on, girl! emoticon

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GRACEANNE46 8/4/2013 9:12AM

    Very cool! Sounds like an interesting virtual walk. When I log in my miles for the virtual walk/bike across the U.S., I count everything: slow walks with the dog, walks on the treadmill, the Eliptical, and the stationary bike.
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Great job!
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CYBERCITYSHELL 8/4/2013 8:30AM

    That sounds an interesting team.
Good on you, emoticon walking can be heaps of fun especially with the scenery.
Do you walk on your own or with other people?
It is nice either way. I walk the dogs on my own or sometimes Dwayne comes. Otherwise we go out to a park, and we have lots of nice parks around. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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_VALEO_ 8/4/2013 8:08AM

    That's a nice virtual walk! emoticon emoticon

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its been a while!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

I know that I have not had very much to say for myself for quite a while! I have been trying to deal with my anxiousness which has been much worse these past few weeks. I have managed to keep up with my exercise routine but that has been about it!!

I made a really big decision last Monday; I am trying the juice fast diet; its been six days so far and I have lost 12lb so far. I have not eaten anything else - no bread no meat no sweets no chocolate no sneaky cakes or cookies or pastries, no alcohol. It is actually working, I know its not a long term solution, but I was struggling even when I was tracking all I ate.

I am hoping that this juice fast will cure my addiction to toast, etc.!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BESSYKINNEY 7/30/2013 11:19AM

    I've been wanting to a do a juice fast for awhile! Keep us posted on how it goes!

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_VALEO_ 7/29/2013 4:02PM

    Hang on there sweetie! I'm struggling with a bout of depressive state myself, but you seem doing better and you are proactive.

That's indeed a great and challenging decision you took. Kudos and congrats on your weight loss!
I should also try a one-week detox juice diet to boost my metabolism.

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CYBERCITYSHELL 7/29/2013 12:21AM

    Sorry you have been feeling anxious Sarah. I know what that is like, I suffer a little anxiety. But my daughter gets it really badly where she can't leave the house to do what she should be doing. I hope that is getting better.
That is good you have got back on track by doing the juice diet. Twelve pounds that is great. Do be careful though when you eat normally, as it could be really easy to put some of that back on.
That is funny we all have different foods that can make us go off track with/for. I sometimes even go off track having too much of my healthy eating foods. Biscuits are one of mine, and I have my first client every morning after her shower I make her and me a cuppa. And she has a few biscuits for her first meal of the day. I used to have a couple of bikkis with her. But now I don't and she keeps commenting on that. But at home if my cookie monster son leaves biscuits lying around, I can be tempted. It can be hard too living with people who are eating other food which can be dangerous for our eating plans. We haven't bought ice cream with the shopping for weeks-which is good for me.
That is great you are doing your exercises Sarah. And great you are back on track with your eating too. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
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GRACEANNE46 7/28/2013 6:34PM

    I saw the documentary "Fat, Sick, and nearly dead" recently. These 2 guys do an extended juice fast to lose weight and get tons of micro-nutrients. They both had a rare auto- immune disease when they started and, because of all the micro-nutrients, they were getting, their health greatly improved. I could never do a full juice fast but I would be interested in having one juice per day to get all those vitamins. I hope you have success on this fast. Keep us posted!
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JDBENNING 7/28/2013 1:19PM

    Congrats on the weight loss! Plateaus are so frustrating, especially when you are tracking and exercising and nothing seems to help. Good luck reaching your goals!

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TRAVELGRRL 7/28/2013 12:56PM

    I wish I had your discipline! I am stuck where I am, but I'm hanging in.

Wow, I hope the 12 pounds STAYS gone! That's awesome!!!

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PJBONARRIGO 7/28/2013 11:56AM

    Good luck :-)

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TRUCKERSMRS 7/28/2013 11:55AM

    It seems like it is working for you - which is great. When you start to reintroduce foods you may find it easier to keep a more controlled approach to certain items. Really interested to hear how it goes for you.
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DEBIGENE 7/28/2013 11:18AM

    I hope that works out for you, good luck.

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STEVIEBEE569 7/28/2013 10:27AM

    Much success to you. Sometimes, a juice fast helps to break a plateau or jump start your weight loss. You have to do what works for you. Keep up the good work!

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PATTYKLAVER 7/28/2013 7:46AM

    I've never heard of the juice fast diet. What do you have to do/eat? That's a lot of weight to lose - good for you!

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SIFUMARY1 7/28/2013 6:47AM

    Good Luck

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