Thursday, November 07, 2013
I finally got my as$ on a plane and went down to see my family. Check that Two planes there and two planes back. I am still scared of flying but I did it. A few things about it: I was never so glad to see the smoggy skies of Atlanta, nor so glad to sit in my parents living room while my dad napped in his chair, waking slightly and apologizing for being "bad company" every once in a while. Got to hang out with some family, and unfortunately my odd sleeping patterns I Have developed here continued or I might have been able to do more while there, but in reality I was there to be with my parents and didn't make any plans for visiting anyone else with the exception of going to Atlanta for one day to say hello to the few friends I still have there and hanging out with one.
I realized that I REALLY don't want to spend the rest of my life where I am now and at the same time realized even more how freakin' stuck I am here. I have let everyone down on everything I ever thought I was going to be. I know my "partner" still doesn't want to see why I don't want to be here but I think knows just as well as I do how crappy it would be of me to leave this house.... long story.
Good things are happening for my friend but I am less optionless than I was before.
i just don't know what i am doing what i am going to do and i still need to get out of here. i was serious when i said it would kill me if the next time i saw my parents was at their funerals....
Friday, October 04, 2013
so, I haven't deleted my profile, but nothing has changed. I have been still stressing out about how much I eat and still eating roughly the same amount of calories. I have been pedaling on my "bike" five out of seven days for thirty minutes a day, I walk at work, I cut back and control my portions, and NOTHING CHANGES. Still the same freaking weight, not losing anything, and feeling crappier about it every day. I can't briskly walk from office to car without feeling out of breath, and a quick step up my fourteen step staircase in my home leaves me all but gasping for breath, and sometimes light headed. HOW THE H*LL did I go from doing INSANITY last year (AT THE SAME WEIGHT MIND YOU) to not being able to think hard without being short of breath????????????
EVERY day makes it harder, I know I could be worse off but I don't wanna get WORSE before I get better, BUT NOTHING I DO CHANGES ANYTHING, it just stresses me out, makes me even more depressed and stressed out. My mom was severely obese for my entire childhood before she was told she had two choices: have gastric bypass or die of a heart attack. She doesn't want me to let it get any worse, and I don't want it to but I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. It is really insane that a walking workout was easier to get living in the city than it is living out here in the middle of freakin' NOWHERE! My partner won't take a walk with me, and I got NOONE else that I socialize with here.... god, i hate it here.
weight=stress=more weight=depression about weight= eating my feelings= more stress about weight= more weight= freaking out about weight only to have my partner to shrug and say something UBER-caring like "get over it" = more depression = virtual emotional detachment from anything real= more depression
Sunday, July 21, 2013
So, i HAVE been bright enough to figure out that most of my (speakable ;) ) calorie burning that used to be was... walking. I walked to work, I walked at work, I walked home, I walked to and from social events, I walked to the park, I walked circles at bars, I WALKED. (I clocked over 250,000 steps in one shift when I worked at Sonic as a carhop ---> didn't trust my skating skills :) ) So, the HUGE difference between here and there -----> besides all the psychological and emotional turmoil I have been going through since moving 1300 miles away from all the family and friends I ever known.... WALKING!
I recently changed jobs (of my own volition) again, and been wondering what kind of plan I can make so that I can at least start (!) moving in the right direction with my weight and still be able to stay awake and alert through my overnight shifts, get a good "workout" in, burn some calories (hopefully), and still get enough sleep during the day so that I can stay awake and alert for the next overnight. How simple can it be???? (This would be the part where I say something like "DUH DUFUS" to myself). WALK! WALK.
I now work in a large warehouse type facility and have a great covered place that I can walk. Hopefully I can keep up my motivation and my goal at this point is to walk 1000 steps each hour I am at work. (that means 12000 or 13000 steps a shift!). The only bad part is I only work three nights a week....maybe this will give me a kickstart for getting back to working out at home. Since doing Insanity last year I haven't worked out at ALL due to the Insane shin splints I gave myself (all my fault though for continuing to do Insanity in a pair of shoes I knew were TOAST and should have been replaced). Recovery has been long and SLOW but I am really hoping I can keep this up. Tired of this extra weight and I REALLY need to do this for MYSELF.
--- grandest apologies for any painful misuse of parentheses, commas, and atrocious misspellings......it is 6 a.m. and I just got out of work.... :)
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