AJALDER20T   2,009
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splitting home

Thursday, November 07, 2013

I finally got my as$ on a plane and went down to see my family. Check that Two planes there and two planes back. I am still scared of flying but I did it. A few things about it: I was never so glad to see the smoggy skies of Atlanta, nor so glad to sit in my parents living room while my dad napped in his chair, waking slightly and apologizing for being "bad company" every once in a while. Got to hang out with some family, and unfortunately my odd sleeping patterns I Have developed here continued or I might have been able to do more while there, but in reality I was there to be with my parents and didn't make any plans for visiting anyone else with the exception of going to Atlanta for one day to say hello to the few friends I still have there and hanging out with one.
I realized that I REALLY don't want to spend the rest of my life where I am now and at the same time realized even more how freakin' stuck I am here. I have let everyone down on everything I ever thought I was going to be. I know my "partner" still doesn't want to see why I don't want to be here but I think knows just as well as I do how crappy it would be of me to leave this house.... long story.
Good things are happening for my friend but I am less optionless than I was before.
i just don't know what i am doing what i am going to do and i still need to get out of here. i was serious when i said it would kill me if the next time i saw my parents was at their funerals....


something like clinging

Friday, October 04, 2013

so, I haven't deleted my profile, but nothing has changed. I have been still stressing out about how much I eat and still eating roughly the same amount of calories. I have been pedaling on my "bike" five out of seven days for thirty minutes a day, I walk at work, I cut back and control my portions, and NOTHING CHANGES. Still the same freaking weight, not losing anything, and feeling crappier about it every day. I can't briskly walk from office to car without feeling out of breath, and a quick step up my fourteen step staircase in my home leaves me all but gasping for breath, and sometimes light headed. HOW THE H*LL did I go from doing INSANITY last year (AT THE SAME WEIGHT MIND YOU) to not being able to think hard without being short of breath????????????
EVERY day makes it harder, I know I could be worse off but I don't wanna get WORSE before I get better, BUT NOTHING I DO CHANGES ANYTHING, it just stresses me out, makes me even more depressed and stressed out. My mom was severely obese for my entire childhood before she was told she had two choices: have gastric bypass or die of a heart attack. She doesn't want me to let it get any worse, and I don't want it to but I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO. It is really insane that a walking workout was easier to get living in the city than it is living out here in the middle of freakin' NOWHERE! My partner won't take a walk with me, and I got NOONE else that I socialize with here.... god, i hate it here.
weight=stress=more weight=depression about weight= eating my feelings= more stress about weight= more weight= freaking out about weight only to have my partner to shrug and say something UBER-caring like "get over it" = more depression = virtual emotional detachment from anything real= more depression

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ROXYCARIN 10/4/2013 1:10AM


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giving up

Thursday, August 29, 2013

fairly certain i am going to cancel my membership in spark people here soon. I track all my food and count my calories and do workouts and try to find energy to stay awake at work and lose a pound and half and gain in back and lose and gain counting calories the whole time, to the point that i feel like i am not getting enough calories, and i feel hungry all the time, and that makes me grumpy and unpleasant and tired all the time. then i try to relax and give myself some leeway some days while being stricter on other days and i gain weight four times faster than i can IMAGINE losing it. I don't know what I am doing wrong but i cannot stress out about this anymore, the stress itself is killing me. I have too many things to do in a day to keep freaking out about counting my calories and it is an utter motivation killer to count my calories and see myself GAIN weight when i am eating 1200 calories a day and feeling hungry ALL DAY.

just not going to give a shi anymore, no one else seems to care that i am so unhappy about my weight. the end. and sparkpeople really shouldn't tell me i don't have the right to use profanity in my own dam blog

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AJALDER20T 10/4/2013 1:04AM

  doctor already did blood tests on me about a year ago when i went in about circulation issues, no diabetes related issues at the time, and he had them test for thyroid issues as well, none reported. and I tracked only calories consumed, not calories burned so that i wouldn't overestimate my calories burned...

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CRUCIBELLE 8/29/2013 10:05PM

    If you are truly only eating 1200 cals a day + exercise & you are not losing weight -- something is very wrong. If I were you, I'd go to the doctor and get some bloodwork/tests done. Maybe you have thyroid problems? You really should be losing weight. There is a possibility that you are counting your cals incorrectly or over-estimating cals burned thru exercise. I would just advise you to hang in there and try to figure out what the problem might be.

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GPHOENIX 8/29/2013 7:35PM

    I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated today. The journey to a healthier life certainly isn't an easy one. You are worth the effort, that is the reason to continue. It's a matter of finding the right combination of calories, exercise and emotional balance. If tracking your calories is stressing you out, then for a week or two don't, just eat sensible portions and exercise. Have your goal be movement. Try changing what you are focusing on and praise your accomplishments it may help you on the rough days. Tomorrow is a new day, a new chance for anything to happen. I hope tomorrow brings with it something for you to smile about :-)

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SPERRIN2012 8/29/2013 7:33PM

    Hi AJ,

I am very sorry to hear of your news. Normally I wouldn't respond to this type of "I can't make this spark thing work for me" blog but today I figured at some point one or more of the rest of us sparked up members had to have felt like you do now. I know that I have and my only real advise is either your goals are set incorrectly or something isn't being tracked correctly.

I have lost more than 35 lbs. in 18 month sparking. That came with fluctuations but I have and will continue to learn what's better for my body and longevity on this earth. I don't know your age but I just turned 50 two weeks ago and haven't felt like this in over 7 years. I say stick to the spark people web site and you will succeed. You know if you
try you can get to the place you want to be.


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wow, I am distractable person....

Friday, August 09, 2013

So I finally lost a COUPLE pounds and then I go on for six days without tracking ANYTHING, even though I KNOW I have to baby-sit MYSELF. I have to constantly remind myself that I have to remember to track things because staying on my own case about keeping track of everything is the only way to get it done and to make sure I stay on track (I didn't have anyone backing me up when I quit smoking and I got no one being my cheerleader on this one either, I have to be my own support on a daily basis...can get rough).
Good news for me for the moment is that at least I didn't gain it back. I went back up by one pound but I have seen worse changes in six days so back on track hopefully, tired of this extra weight and especially since it seems like my (FIN) chest is where I gain first and lose last, a "chest" I don't want to have at all (and if I had money for surgery would be GONE in a heartbeat). Awkward, extraordinarily AWKWARD. ...and with the extra weight "they" seem to draw people's eyes even more...(((sigh)))

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VEEBEE8 8/9/2013 10:12PM

    I hear you! It sometimes does feel like you have to have someone watching over you, but hun if you don't do it, nobody will! but there is a sweetener in the deal - YOU are the main benefactor of your hard work.

Nonetheless I'll be rooting for you! emoticon

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fool's awakening

Sunday, July 21, 2013

So, i HAVE been bright enough to figure out that most of my (speakable ;) ) calorie burning that used to be was... walking. I walked to work, I walked at work, I walked home, I walked to and from social events, I walked to the park, I walked circles at bars, I WALKED. (I clocked over 250,000 steps in one shift when I worked at Sonic as a carhop ---> didn't trust my skating skills :) ) So, the HUGE difference between here and there -----> besides all the psychological and emotional turmoil I have been going through since moving 1300 miles away from all the family and friends I ever known.... WALKING!
I recently changed jobs (of my own volition) again, and been wondering what kind of plan I can make so that I can at least start (!) moving in the right direction with my weight and still be able to stay awake and alert through my overnight shifts, get a good "workout" in, burn some calories (hopefully), and still get enough sleep during the day so that I can stay awake and alert for the next overnight. How simple can it be???? (This would be the part where I say something like "DUH DUFUS" to myself). WALK! WALK.
I now work in a large warehouse type facility and have a great covered place that I can walk. Hopefully I can keep up my motivation and my goal at this point is to walk 1000 steps each hour I am at work. (that means 12000 or 13000 steps a shift!). The only bad part is I only work three nights a week....maybe this will give me a kickstart for getting back to working out at home. Since doing Insanity last year I haven't worked out at ALL due to the Insane shin splints I gave myself (all my fault though for continuing to do Insanity in a pair of shoes I knew were TOAST and should have been replaced). Recovery has been long and SLOW but I am really hoping I can keep this up. Tired of this extra weight and I REALLY need to do this for MYSELF.

--- grandest apologies for any painful misuse of parentheses, commas, and atrocious misspellings......it is 6 a.m. and I just got out of work.... :)

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LANNIEMANUEL 7/21/2013 7:21AM

    best of luck to you.

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KARENKANDO 7/21/2013 7:07AM

    . . . - - - Walk on My Friend. . . - - - Walk on!!! Oh, and use all the . . . - - - , , , ((hugs)) you like! :) I do it all the time! Great for emphasis! emoticon emoticon

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