Saturday, June 07, 2014
my cousin is getting married in october, and back in december of last year i gave myself a weight loss goal that had me losing something like 3/4 of a pound a week.... totally doable right??? I had ten months to reach this goal and was going to be happy going to my cousin's wedding feeling a little better about myself, not carrying so much of this 50 pounds i am trying to lose.
and now here it is, june, and i have managed to lose maybe five pounds (depends on the day of the week and the mood of the scale).
completely stuck and, of course beating myself up for it. no, beyond beating myself up for it, adding "inept at not being fat anymore" to my list of reasons why i hate myself. that's more like the truth.
and, before you get all huffy about "well, the wedding isn't about you, it's about your cousing, etc. etc. etc" YES, the wedding is all about my cousin who was my best friend growing up and I am happy for her, and excited to see her, but i wanted to feel okay with me, at least in the less fat sense too, and i am failing at it, and it makes me feel like crap about myself.... and i needed to vent that.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I put hungry in quotations because I KNOW that the reality of it is that this, being my one day off a week, is the day where the rest of my weeks worth of TIRED catches up with me.
I am glad I got in two GOOD workouts plus some lawn mowing time this weekend because, the way I calculate my days, I have now missed three days of working out... and to top it all off today I ATE all day long. I KNOW I am not hungry but being at home and tired I tend to make a thousand trips back and forth to the kitchen because I feel like snacking because I am bored and tired and I went over my calorie goal by almost 500 (which is a third of my total).
I would LOVE to go hang out with people but I live in the middle of nowhere and my partner borrowed my car today, and I always feel guilty wanting to leave the house on my one day off because I know my pets need some time with me as well. I moved out to no-where with my partner and we have no friends here (and you can tell by my previous posts, my partner doesn't even hang out with me or pretend to be my friend anymore), .... blah blah blah.
I also ate all day long to try and keep myself awake because I feel like I should be working to clean my stinkin' dirty house, on my one day off, but all I want to do is go back to bed and sleep all day....
and then it snowballs into, I still didn't get a whole lot of housecleaning done becuase I feel tired and so I feel guilty about that, and I feel guilty because I KNOW I have overeaten AND not worked out today... guilty guilty guilty bored tired lonely....what a terrible day after having such a good weekend.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
This week, I have had my mind blown, twice.
As per previous post in the week, firstly I had my mind blown by having one single day at my stupid gas station job where there were not threats made to me by some angry someone regarding my refusal to sell them alcohol or tobacco (that could be stretched into a much longer story but no novels today, I promise). Magically this managed to happen TWO days in a row, but that was not the second mind blowing I was referring to.
Second brain-boom awards goes to - mindfulness, I think that is the correct term. Basically, I have been suffering for almost two years now with an injury from doing Insanity. DISCLAIMER: It was not the fault of the workout, I should've had a different pair of shoes, and instead of doing something about my footwear (mostly because I didn't have dollars for new footwear) I continued to do an INTENSE workout in sub-par footwear, and BY GOLLY ( ) I have suffered for it. Think, the feeling on someone sneaking into your room while you sleep and pulling a classic "Misery" hobbling move on you, then beating the bottoms of your feet with a baseball bat while you sleep... that is the closest approximation I have for what my feet have felt like for more than a year, almost two.
Okay, okay, I promised no novels today so, what happened was, I read a "life-hack" guide to exercising and they mentioned mindfulness, allowing yourself to FULLY experience whatever it is you have not been allowing yourself to feel in order for you to learn to move beyond it, or that is my rough explanation of the concept. SO... three (wait no four, night shifts mess with perception of days) nights ago when I went to bed, I very purposely and consciously let myself experience the pain in my ankles, balls of my feet, arches, toes, heels, and even into my calves and my knees, then mentally told those muscles and tendons to relax, relax, relax, relax....
Crazy part is... it worked. No. REALLY. It DID.
My almost two year old pains have finally subsided, almost absolutely. I am still working on my left ankle, which was a bit worse apparently, but it really is unbelievable how well it worked.
Moral of the story: Take good care of your body when exercising. It is GOOD to want to push yourself, and to challenge yourself with new levels, but for goodness sake don't break yourself in the process. And, mindfulness can work, surprisingly well in fact.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
just a quick something to say here.
as if it isn't hard enough to reach weight goals, be they loss, healthy gain, or maintenance, it really is total poo to: get on the digital scale, have it read out a number to you, get off the scale, get back on the scale and have it READ OUT A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NUMBER, get off the scale, get back on the scale (because you are frustrated and just curious what the scale's OPINION THEREABOUTS of your weight might be) only to have the scale spit out another different number.
funny enough, that is why i bought a digital scale to begin with because the same thing was happening on the analog scale, first time on = one weight, second time on = 1 to 4 pounds heavier or lighter, third time on = another number.
didn't know that scales are so ridiculously OFF. (either that or my body is some freak miracle regarding the existence and non-existence of matter)
moral of the story: DON'T TRUST YOUR SCALE (at least not it's first "opinion")
Thursday, May 08, 2014
hope i am not jinxing myself but I finally had one day at my gas station job where i didn't have someone yell at me when i refused to sell them alcohol (NEVER would i have thought I would be so glad to have been raised in a dry county).
I am a great target, it turns out, for ticked off alcoholics to come in and attempt to buy alcohol from, and get turned down. If you work in an establishment that has the responsibility of selling alcohol/tobacco you probably know how serious the fines and penalties can be if you sell to someone without ID, improper ID, under the influence (anyone you shouldn't sell to), and it may make me extra UNCOOL to refuse sale to someone I don't think I should sell to but, although I don't LOVE my stupid gas station job I do have it because I need the money NOT for my deep love of wearing a dmn uniform shirt and name tag, I don't want to lose my stupid job AND pay some HUGE fine so that I can be COOL.
Wasn't COOL is high school, wasn't really COOL in college (but it was better than high school), don't really need to be COOL in my thirties trying to keep my stupid gas station job. Have I mentioned I think my job is STUPID, I could use more colorful words but unfortunately Spark censors me. FREE SPEECH!
SO, point being I managed to eek ONE good day from the gas station, I hope I haven't bound myself to having a terrible one today, since I am heading to my STUPID job in just a couple hours, but hopefully it won't be terrible and I will come home and do a beautifully painful ab workout, and hopefully have enough energy for a cardio workout too, and re-adjust my sleep schedule again for my overnighter weekend shifts.
*** someone really should do some extensive research in how to stay healthy working overnights. My sleep schedule is so fracked, and I miss the sun, and I don't know when I should be working out... they say not to workout right before bed, but "before bed" for me is sometime between midnight and 8 a.m. depending on the day of the week, and i workout BEFORE an overnight shift I am EXHAUSTED before I get out of my shift...oy.
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