Tuesday, May 07, 2013
I remember this girl. Fearless, Powerful, Strong. The girl from my youth that I always wish I could tap into. The me before I knew pain and sorrow. The me before I was knocked down and made to lower my head before others.
She is no longer a distant memory. But don't be mistaken. I did not find the magic door to walk through and be the person I used to be. Why would I want to.
I am stronger than her. I know what it is like to be knocked down. And get back up; and be knocked down again. More so, I know what it is like to feel absolute desperation and hopelessness in the face of my future. And I know what it is like to look back and see that I conquered what I truly believed in my heart was unobtainable.
I walk; remembering to engage my core muscles, aligning my body for optimal effectiveness. But I also stand tall and proud with my chin up and my spirit soaring. Some days I may feel weak or ugly. But not today. Today I walk strong. My light shines brilliantly; each step empowering the universe and those around me.
Sunday, May 05, 2013
I have always struggled with meditation. But I know it is good for me and if I keep practicing, I will start to get the hang of it. Anyways, I have been experimenting with different poses or things to think about, what ever might really work this time.
Today I decided to meditate in my underwear. I'm so tired of looking down at my belly or hips and feeling disgusted. My thought, mind you it is very experimental, was that I could meditate half naked to get more comfortable with myself. Maybe this will help me love my body, even if I'm not exactly where I want to be. Plus, if I can meditate half naked and all vulnerable, I can meditate anywhere, right?
You know, it was kind of all right. I think I actually got myself into a deeper meditative state for a full 5 minutes. I did not feel uncomfortable and I think I was smiling the entire time; especially afterwards.
I may have even been able to go longer than 5 minutes if my boys had not burst into my room to ask a question. "Gross mom, don't do that in your underwear." Maybe now they will learn to knock first.
Friday, May 03, 2013
Today marks one week of no cell phone. And it has been fantastic. Sure there is some adjustment, but well worth the sacrifice.
Hold up, what's that you say, I need a cell phone?
Oh, you have some more things you need to tell me. You think I should have lost the weight before I quit smoking. You are tired of calling me to tell me about our next meeting and wish I would just get a Facebook already. You think I should just get regular food and supplies at Wal-Mart like everyone else. And you wonder why I have to be so difficult.
Well let me tell you something, This is my path, so get off it!!
So, as it turns out, discovering the truth during this transformation was not all to be centered on my faults and misunderstandings. My discovery this week was that on this journey to better myself, so many people seem to have an opinion on what I should be doing. For some reason, there are people, and a lot of them, that think I need to be walking on the same path that everyone else is walking on. As if I am hurting them by choosing to blaze my own trail and form my own opinions on what is healthy for me and my family. These people step on me, laugh at my dreams, and try to knock me off my path.
Who are they to tell me how I should be walking when they have never stepped in my shoes. And who am I to think I should have to listen to them. My world does not revolve around social trends and fake niceties. I do not have to entertain the man while he goes through my underwear drawer. And I don't care that you went through all that trouble to assign me a number and you are bothered that I'm not walking in line with the rest of them.
I blaze my own trail because I know what is best for me. This is what makes me feel good. I do not judge you for huddling with the masses. That is your journey, do what you like. But for me, I want to climb this mountain. I know what it is like to stay down here on this plateau. It doesn't work for me. I want to see what other possibilities are out there if I dare to open my mind.
And you, my friend, who has only lifted me and supported me on this journey, "Get off my Path!" You have your own trail to blaze. Our Journeys through this transformation can not possibly be exactly the same and we should not judge each other if they differ. For much of this transformation, we may walk close enough to hold hands or pull each other up. But don't be afraid to meander left if the wind pulls you. This is your journey, and the center of it does revolve around you.
And my universe, it revolves around me and those closest to me. And I will not apologize for making these changes. I will not cower or feel ashamed that I have chosen different than you. This is my Journey. This is the Path that I choose to take. This is my truth.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
"The body cries the tears the eyes refuse to weep."
A doctor told me this quote once after a visit for strep throat. He told me that the common factor for migraines, IBS, Fibromyalgia, and Depression was Past Traumatic experiences in a person's life.
As a Taoist, we believe that you create blockages in your physical body when you do not address and deal with events in your life. If you have a bad experience with something, you may assign negative energy to that event. Every time you think about it or are faced with a similar event, you continue to add negative energy to the idea. This snow balling monster just builds and builds over time, taking up vital energy that you survive on and using it to fuel itself. The experience not only takes up your energy but blocks other areas of your body from the energy it needs to function and thrive.
I'm told that as we face these monsters and make peace with the original event, we can decrease the size of the blockage and start to heal. When we can finally allow our eyes to see and cry from the original experience, our bodies will no longer have to compensate and try to release the built up pain.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
I started out ok today. I ate oatmeal, logged into spark, and hoped that today would be a good health day. But like so many days, I screwed up. And then I just kept screwing up. Self sabotaging myself until I wanted to puke with disgust.
On the drive home from stuffing my face with fast food, I had an epiphany. In order to quit smoking, I had to stare in the mirror and tell my self the truth. I was an addict. Nicotine was no better than crack or heroine, it was just legal. I used imagery and pictured pock marks on my face, gross teeth, and yellow, wrinkly skin. That was my view of an addict; how I saw my future if I continued to give into my addiction. I held on to that image and was finally able to quit smoking.
And now it is time to tell myself the truth about my weight and general health. (Don't worry, there is not enough time to cover it with just one blog) I thought about binge eating, my self image, motivation, progress, and my F it all attitude when I screw up. I have been lying to myself about everything. Not intentionally. But all lies just the same.
I may be an addict to sugar. I let my mistakes get the best of me. My actions mimic a false realization that says "since I will do better tomorrow, I better enjoy these jelly donuts and fried chicken; cuz it will be my last."
The big one - Excuses! I realized that excuses are all just lies!! No matter how relevant they are, excuses rarely ever get down to the core issue. The Truth. It's not because it's cold outside or I'm too busy. It's because I don't want to, don't know how, or I'm scared of something. Unless I tell myself the truth, my weight is going to continue to grow; my health and quality of life will just decline.
It's time I get to the bottom of why I do or don't do healthy things in my life. I must be accountable to My Truth!
For the first time ever, I pledge to discover and post the real truth behind my actions and weight loss program. As a warning, it will be real. It will be raw. And it is not for the faint of heart.
I hope to see my new Spark Friends along this journey; helping me get down to the core, holding me accountable, and sharing with me how you may have over come these same obstacles.
Cheers to my first blog series - Viva La Verdad!
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