Monday, April 22, 2013
I feel like I'm just floating through life and not really living it. Every day it's the same thing, get the kids up and out the door for school, have lunch with the hubby, kids and hubby come home from school/work, have dinner, hit the gym (most days)....rinse and repeat. I don't have anything that I'm excited about anymore. I used to be excited about going to the gym since I knew that I would be seeing the results in my body but for the last six months I have been losing and gaining the same 6-7 lbs over and over. Though I'm not giving up...I will get back to where I was a year and half ago.
I need to find the happiness I had a year or so ago. Not that I don't have happy times, but on a regular basis I can't say that. Here's to looking more into myself and get past this floating feeling of life.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Funny how the past molds you into the person you are today...
So last night at dinner my son brought up fighting at school and during the conversation my husband asked me if I ever got into a fight at school, to which I told him yes; that when I was in middle school school some guy hit me and knocked me into a pole. Some how this led me to say that I end up having guys hitting me, which turned into a conversation of the person I was involved with before my husband and how he had so much control over me.
This guy was on constantly asking me where I was going, who I was going with, who I talking to; and at one point put his hands on me to the point of choking me out and pulling a gun on me and holding to me at gun point. Because of this guy I have major control issues, to the point where it has caused major problems in my marriage. I still have, not necessarily flashbacks, but when I hear certain songs or even catch a glimpse at someone I'm brought back to that time in my life. What I think threw me for a loop is that my husband asked me if I ever wanted to see this guy again. Why in the world would I ever want to see him, other to go up to him and tell him that my life is 100 times better now. Though I don't think I ever will do that, in fact if I ever do see him I would probably turn and go the other way. Though thankfully I don't think that I will ever see him again since I no longer live in my home town.
My point is that what happens to us in our past, wither we were the ones who cause it or it happened to us, molds us into the people we are today. And I whole heartily believe that I am who I am because of my past. I'm better with my control issues since I have gotten into therapy. And out of all that I keep a tight control on I've never did on my eating...it's the one place that has been completely out of control. Maybe I need to let go of control in some areas and focus it on my eating.
Sorry if this is a bunch of rambling, but its just the thoughts that have been running through my head over the last day....
Now I'm off to the gym....Later Dayz!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Really feel like a having a big ol' pity party for myself today. I have eaten so much crap and I keep going back to the pantry for more. I HATE days like this. Yeah, it's emotional eating. I'm stuck in my house pretty much day after day after day. The only times I really get out is when I go the gym and when I go to the commissary. Only having one car sucks, but we are hoping to change that status when we get our tax refund and we can get a cheap 2nd car. Not that I will really have any where to go with a 2nd vehicle, but at least I will have the option of leaving if I want to. I need to find a productive hobby that will help with my boredom.
I'm also becoming bored at the gym with my workouts. I really need to find something that will make it interesting again. I usually go through this every couple of months but I always know that once I get going on my workout I feel so much better. But it really is my diet that is driving me crazy. Of course the only one in charge of my diet is me. I'm the one who does all the food shopping, all the food planning, all the food cooking. I need to get excited about fun, new ways of cooking food again. Plus I just need to buckle down and stay within my calories. I did it for close to 2 years, so I know it's possible. We are also looking at replacing our grill so that will make me happy so that we can grill more food, to me it just taste better grilled, lol.
Right now I feel all I'm doing is talking and not putting any actions behind my words. I need to get my butt off the couch and do something!
I do have something to look forward to: once my husband and I have some extra cash we are going to go on a date, to a nice restaurant and maybe to a bar to relax away from the house and the kids. We actually need to set this up for a once a month thing.
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