Thursday, December 05, 2013
I eat so that I don't have to be present. I eat so that I can numb. I've eaten in frustration. I've eaten because I'm sad or anxious. I've eaten as reward or celebration. I've eaten because I feel sorry for myself. At the end of the day, happy or sad, what it amounts to is not being present for my emotional or feeling life.
I look at times where I don't exercise, or spend time moving every day, as times of hibernation. For me at least, this isn't any different than eating to numb myself. Now, being sedentary isn't the same as mindful meditation, although perhaps there is the same drive behind it.
The emotional drive to be sedentary is the same as my emotional drive to overeat. It's a desire to stop the world. To stop motion. To stop feeling. To bank my shores.
There is no doubt in my mind that we create our own experience. There is also no doubt in my mind that we create our bodies and our physical realities.
I am not saying that to marginalize the very real impact of random material or physical events in people's lives. I am only speaking to my own experience.
So, this is what my fat is made of:
It's made up of every time I had to sit in the back seat while men folk spoke of important matters in the front seat.
It's made up of every time I had something to say but could not say it in a way that others would hear it. Ironically, I can't think of a time this happened when I wrote something. It's when I am speaking.
It's made up of every time someone yelled at me, criticized me, demeaned me and I was unable to respond in a way which prevented it from reoccurring or process it in such a way that my emotional self remained intact.
It's made up of every time I was led to believe I was crazy for being different, every time my more 'outrageous passions' (marianne williamson I think....) were looked down on.
It's made up of every time I had to pretend to be something I was not in order to conform to a system that I did not believe in then and do not believe in now.
It's made up of every time I was told my thoughts didn't matter, my feelings didn't matter, and my self didn't matter.
It's made up of the idea that suffering is more important than joy and self sacrifice more valuable than the gift of self.
It's made up of a litany of shoulds; I should be meek, I should be quiet, I should be liked, I should give in, I should make other people happy.
It's made up of a fear of intimacy, a fear of being seen when it comes down it, which may be contradictory but I have noticed that much that is authentic is ambivalent.
Most of all, it's made of fear. Actually, terror. Fear of material loss, fear of emotional loss, and a sort of panic to prevent those things. It's made up of an attempt to try and shove a square peg into a round hole.
When I was young and taking dance class every day I learned about the concept of kinesthetic memory. Kinesthetic memory is muscle memory. I've always been intrigued by the idea. I believe our bodies hold the memory of every action we've taken. I believe our bodies hold the memory of every thing that has been done to us. I think people who have been abused hold themselves differently, move differently, and that their material existence has been changed by their experiences. I believe our bodies, particular as we get older, are our lives given form. I believe that we are written on and that we have written on ourselves.
Most of all, I believe that all of the above can be overcome in an instant. My words, thoughts, and feelings have value even if they don't conform, actually even if no one else cares to hear them. They are what make me fabulous, unique, interesting, and stimulating. They are what make me my best self.
We (I) have to seize this instant every day, at every opportunity, because it is always available.
Wednesday, December 04, 2013
Yesterday was a weird day.
This is what I had planned:
A computer lesson at my Dad's
A break where I could relax and get ready for ....
Bookclub Christmas party
This is what happened:
I owed my therapist for a few weeks and wanted to catch up, not really because she was demanding it, but because I wanted to. So, I came up with the idea of selling my wedding ring, 2 baby bangles, and a puzzle ring.
These were just items I had laying around. I was not at all sentimental about them.
The wedding ring was just a plain solitaire and truthfully the only reason I kept it around for 20 years was for the anticipated satisfaction I would feel when it fit again.
The solid gold baby bangles were odd items to me. More than once I had looked at them and wondered, 'What kind of people would put solid gold bangles on a baby who wasn't even old enough to lift her wrist?.'
The answer is, 'my people.' I am thinking that my attraction to gypsy attire and costumes isn't so far off.
Gypsy attire and costumes I am okay with but I had no desire to pass this strange custom along to a grandchild or to hold on to the ridiculous gold bangles myself.
The puzzle ring was actually something I found. I don't even remember where. I kept it because ... well ... 'my people' like such things and I like such things but ... it had no real value to me. It was literally just something I had found somewhere.
After overtime I took these three items to the store. Okay, lets say it, PAWN SHOP.
Unsavory really. But they seemed like nice people.
The guy looks at them. He tests the gold. He weighs the bangles and then he puts them on the counter.
"300," he says.
"300 what?," I say.
300 dollars. Seriously. In addition he gave me 50 for each of the other items. I was hoping for maybe 60 bucks.
Bemused and befuddled by this unexpected windfall I got into my car. While on the phone with my brother, describing this unexpected event, my battery light comes on.
Then the battery light goes off. Sigh of relief. I made a note to have it checked during lunch or on Saturday ... no lunch ..... Okay. Whenever. At the nearest opportunity.
I proceeded to my fathers for his computer lesson where I discover that he has malware on his pc. This malware has piggy backed from an installation of Internet Explorer (beware of seemingly innocuous upgrades - depending on where you are downloading or installing FROM you could end up with software you don't want).
I had an interesting exchange with someone who is actually a coworker. My Father is a customer with my employer. This exchange is very upsetting. In my mind, I am calling my place of business as a customer and in my mind I am advocating for my 73 year old father and in my mind he was treated rather shoddily.
I leaft my fathers wondering if I would get in trouble for this exchange where my father eventually lost his temper ad complained about my co-worker. I realized by the time I got to my therapist that it is probably against the law for me to get into any trouble for something that happened during an exchange where my father was the customer, not me.
Okay, although the exchange is upsetting, I was relieved once I thought of it that way.
I say EXCHANGE because I can't really get into what happened.
I ended up late to my therapist but we have a rip roaring good time. I like her so very much and I am so proud to be able to pay her. My luck seems almost miraculous.
On the way home I ended up in bumper to bumper traffic which is okay because I called a friend who talked to me the entire time. My battery light goes on. It goes off. Some other light goes on and goes off. That light looked sort of like a group of people. I started to wonder if I have time to get the battery checked before going to the bookclub party.
I rolled into HEB to pick up a little something to snaz up my ornament gift for my bookclub Christmas party and as I was about to turn off the ignition the car dies. The lights sort of all came on and then just went off. I knew something was wrong so I tried to start the car and just as I suspected, it would not start.
After my last good time with car trouble I signed up for as much roadside assistance as I possibly could. Consequently I have roadside assistance with my insurance, my cell phone, and my car loan.
I called the most accessible of these and ended up calling them 6 times before connecting to someone. It's a travesty but they dispatched someone for me. I was told 45 minutes. At that point, I tried to come to terms with the fact that I would miss the bookclub Christmas party.
I was really disappointed. I love the bookclub Christmas party. I had already purchased my ornament. I was looking forward to the free ARCs and since I had only had time for a banana all day long, I was looking forward to dinner.
So I went into HEB (a grocery store if you didn't know) and wandered around, picking up items to console myself during what looked like it was going to be a night at home.
When I came out of the grocery store I saw the tow truck driving along the aisles. I chased him. I yelled at him. I eventually gave up and went to my car and waited. He managed to eventually find me.
Even though I requested a jump I did not think a jump would do it because I still had lights and radio. The ignition even sounded like it was about to turn over. So, I didn't really think it was the battery.
However, the engine turned over immediately and for about five seconds I was really excited about being able to drive home and go to the party.
As soon as I took my foot off of the ignition the engine died and this time, no radio, no lights.
Okay. I had him try to jump it again. The engine started and as long as I had my foot on the gas, revving the engine in the hopes of charging the recalcitrant battery my car seemed fine. As soon as I stopped revving the engine, it died. This time the lights and the radio stayed on.
So I got towed home and my Brother took me to the party.
End of story pretty much. I have my unexpected windfall in my wallet, ready and waiting to pay for a battery or an auto repair or whatever.
I did not sleep last night. I am not sure whether I am worried about the car or upset about the exchange with my coworker.
So, I got out my yoga mat and made some herbal tea. I haven't decided whether I will go jogging yet.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
I haven't been online. I made a decision to only be online for an hour a day and I really haven't been online even that much.
For the rest of this year I am doing an overtime binge next week and finishing up school. Then it's time for Christmas, New Years, and my birthday - New Years Eve.
This week I have been spending time with my son, which I enjoy very much.
However, and this may seem odd to some, my goal in the new year is to turn off the tv, turn off the internet, and enjoy the blessings in my life. I plan to track and do my blogging and my group for one hour at the end of the day. After 20+ years of being online I'm finding it necessary to detach.
I am going to have my son handle all my websites over Christmas vacation. I am making things simpler. You really can have a decent site just using wordpress.
I am meditating during my lunch and exercising in the morning and on my breaks.
One thing I am doing though it starting a new blog - but I am not doing random sort of blogging as i do on my other blogs. This is a focused blog where I will post book news and book reviews.
So if anyone in interested in the blog, I am trying to get 30 followers. It's at
www.zadiesmustreads.com/ . If you submit your email to follow the blog that brings me one step further to the 30 I need.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I'm getting everyone socks for Christmas. I'm not kidding. I think socks are the perfect gift for the season. They say, "I wish you comfort and the joy of small pleasures for the rest of your life."
I may even put that on a card.
Over and over again it seems I go up up up and then down down down.
No, I'm not manic. That's a whole other topic but I truly despise the way psychiatrists have made certain mental illnesses common.
Ups and downs are life.
Right now, I am in a down down down spot. I'm not sad. Just you know, banking my reserves.
This weekend I cancelled my overtime and spent the whole entire weekend with myself. I've had entire weekends off recently but not to spend with myself.
Anyway, I've talked about cutting back on overtime and I have. Yesterday I made a budget and learned I make plenty of money with just 15 hours of overtime. Despite the fact that I have a rather large bill to pay, and was about to embark on another overtime binge, I decided not too.
I think I will go the money management route rather than the 'work til you're falling over dead to make sure you have enough money route'. Yeah that's it.
Of course, there's Christmas on the horizon. I was thinking of having a Christmas Eve snack and I do have to buy a new tree. I am thinking I will get the tree and skip the snack. Then I am just going to buy for my son.
I am going to have a burning bowl ceremony type of thing but for that .... I just think I'll have hors d'oeuvres.
I'm glad I got all that sorted out.
Balance ... yeah.....
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