Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Yesterday I spent nearly every waking moment on the phone with one customer service rep or another. I'm not exaggerating. I started at 8:30am and ended at 9:00pm.
I did this while driving to appointments. Still, it was not an easy or relaxing thing at all.
My new rule is that there is nothing that is important enough for me to be making calls to customer service reps of any kind on my day off. I will not get involved in trying to get every little issue resolved over the phone on my day off. No I will not. No more calls on my day off.
I'm glad that's settled.
This morning I went to Jazzercise. Then I wrote for a bit. This afternoon I have to make a road trip to work.
Have a great one everyone.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I sometimes wonder if I have that SAD. Now that it's not so cold I feel like dancing around a forest with the woodland creatures.
However, there are other, less far fetched, explanations for my elevated mood.
My work is not offering overtime right now. This means that I have been working 40 hours like a normal person. It's very nice.
On Morning Joe this morning they were discussing whether the money Obama pumped into the economy did any good. One of the phrases that I have heard brought up quite often is 'underemployed'. Underemployed means that people take part time jobs or temporary employment just to get a paycheck when they are really qualified for much more. I believe it also covers those who quit the workforce.
Now from a personal standpoint, I am not near retiring and I was raised to work within an inch of my sanity and life.
Which is kindasorta my point.
Would the United States really be hurt by a changing perspective in regards to work?
For me, work doesn't stop with what I do for a paycheck. Which is just to say I am always working at something. I have lots of interests including writing, and finishing my degree, and .... well there is always something. Even when not being paid I am working at learning something.
I say .... that's not a bad thing.
My Brother says that not everyone is like me.
Maybe not. But I think back to our childhood and recall my Father leaving at dawn and coming home grouchy after more than 12 hours. I recall my Mother working until well after I had gone to bed and being back at it before I'd woken up. The only thing that marked her passing was an empty wineglass on her bedside counter.
Was this necessary to put food on the table? Not by any stretch of the imagination. It ended up being necessary to pay for therapy bills, pills, inevitable drinking and dining vacations, remodeling, more of this .... and more of that.
I will not lie. I was blessed by the economic stability of my childhood and I probably still am being blessed by them it.
The thing about society is that it just ... evolves. Not passively. But it's evolution, which does not necessarily denote progress, but instead merely denotes change in one direction leading to survival within a certain context, is not the result of reasoned thought. It isn't even a result of the direction of our soul except in the loosest sense of the concept.
So.... after that bit of gobledygook let me ask you, or the universe at large...
Who the hell ever thought it was a good idea for every single human being, male and female, of 'worth' to be employed 40+ hours a week?
The United States has less holidays than just about any other country. Other, more ancient, and I think in some ways, more wise countries, have a more lax attitude towards 'work'.
Because at the end of the day I think what our soul cries for is work that contributes meaningfully to the world (which includes everything from being a ditch digger to being the President of the United States), activity that fulfills our need for community, activity that fulfills our need for inactivity such as prayer or meditation, time for self expression, exercise of course .... all of this, in varying parts, every day, throughout the week.
....and so my thought is that we are multidimensional human beings and the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' .... 'you gotta work work work' ... type of attitude in the United States might need to be change if we really are to get through this crisis.
I reference the bootstraps comment not because it is a bad idea but because it is most commonly used to denote someone who isn't pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.
I think the United States attitude of 'you have to work to make money and get ahead no matter what' will be the thing that will throw the United States back to the stone age.
Let me just take a glance back in time to the woman's movement. It was not a mistake for women to ask for the same opportunity and pay as men. However, the golden ring of women's liberation isn't for women to do the same job as men but for our entire society to value what was considered 'stereotypical women's work'. I do not mean specifically cooking, and cleaning but really the essence of those activities. What I mean is nurturing, empathy, receptivity and doing something for the internal rewards rather than the external rewards. Once that is valued, once we can again are thankful for receiving it and have esteem for it within our society, whether its men or women doing and receiving it, then we will really be evolving.
OKAY! I did not mean to write an essay this morning! I hope everyone has a great day. I have a pretty good day planned. I will be going to jazzercise and the biggest loser weigh in at work .... I am going to my therapist .... I have phone calls to make .... reading to do ... and some writing.
Have a great one!!
Saturday, February 15, 2014
How many times am I going to keep coming back ? ? ?
As many as it takes.
MY WEIGHT WATCHERS BLOG:
I keep trying to come back to Weight Watchers and begin again but I've had several false starts. But my WW leader tells me that we can always begin again. So, here I am again.
I know that a lot of people feel shame when they overeat. I have to admit I don't feel the shame as I'm overeating and I don't beat myself up for eating a chocolate bar.
Which is not to say that I don't get embarrassed or feel shame. I am certainly not above it all. I'm mostly just a little weird.
What makes me feel shame is for people to see that I've gained a lot of my weight back. I am not sure it's as simple as caring what people think. There are always several things going on at once. Part of it is just seeing myself reflected in other people, which is naturally part of the role of community, and having to deal with how that makes me feel.
Losing the weight made me feel so good. It also confused me.
Last week I was paying so little attention to WW that my membership lapsed. I am still not altogether sure how. I updated my payment information and considered it a done deal. Then I didn't log in for about another week.
Imagine my surprise when I was being asked to sign up again.
But I did it. Why not make this 'Begin Again' official?
Yesterday I did well. I was out of my house for a Jazzercise class at 4:45am. Yes. 4:45am.
Someone at Jazzercise gave me a box of chocolate. I threw the box of chocolate away.
Then at the end of my work day, a customer told me I was bad at my job, they cursed at me, called me unhelpful (which is kind of a button for me because it is very important to me that I help people), he called me stupid, he accused me of not listening, he wanted to report me and have me taken to task. Which generally boils down to getting fired.
Even more infuriating was that I had tried to help this person. I had answered his question. Unfortunately, sometimes grown up adults don't like the answers to their questions and unlike children, they have the intellectual skills to mask the fact that they just don't care for the honest answer with claims that the answer wasn't a legitimate answer.
I had to eventually step back from this caller and put them on hold. As soon as the person lacked a target for their viciousness, he hung up.
Which marked the end of my workday. I was terrified that this one interaction would mean the end of my livelihood. Cue the bottle of wine, the fast food burger, french fries, and chocolate covered cashews.
This weeks topic was about emotional eating. I'm glad I dragged my hungover self to the meeting. My most destructive eating happens when I am afraid and when I am lonely.
I am constantly afraid of losing my job and although I know have plenty of skills and many positive attributes I really don't want to change my lifestyle. I actually like my job. I don't care for the threats. They make me feel instantly tired and I have not yet figured out how to deal with the terror of losing my job. It creates a panic in me that leads to a numbing binge.
The loneliness really isn't that bad or even that often. I only feel lonely occasionally. It's usually late at night. I don't sit around hoping for a boyfriend or a husband or a person to fill the void. But, I do sometimes feel lonesome.
Since I was late to the first meeting today, I stayed for the 2nd. It gave me some extra time to think about the topic. I liked all of the suggestions for dealing with emotional eating. There was; dancing, music, talk, prayer, meditation, waiting 15 minutes, journaling, turning to anchors, and going to meetings.
Today's topic has really brought home to me that there are AT LEAST 3 elements to this journey:
Healing our relationship with food
Moving and activity
Doing the inside work
Of the three, I think they are all important. However, the most individual and more elusive is the inside work. You never know what will come up. Perhaps the key is to make sure you keep your eye out for anything that comes up and give it immediate attention.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Apparently I gained weight.
I went to exercise class every day. Once I went twice a day. I still gained 7 pounds this week.
How is that even POSSIBLE?
Now granted, I ate whatever I wanted but I do not think that I ate an extra 3600 or whatever it is calories a day.
I suppose if I can lose 7 pounds in a week I can gain it.
Friday, January 03, 2014
I started vacation on Tuesday and didn't really visit Sparkpeople until today. Which was when I saw that I did a post that said PART A. Well, what's a Part A without a Part B. I'm sure I learned more in 2013. I will have to try not to repeat myself.
This is one of the most important things I have learned.
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you."
I had to look up that Bible verse. I say I've learned this again because I keep having to learn it in different degrees. This verse means a lot of things to me. I think the first time I read it I thought it a reflection of a dichotomous world view where there were good people and bad people, those who were deserving of good and those who were not.
This year, this verse is much more about having enough self confidence not to expect everyone to appreciate what I say and what I think. It isn't as simple as believing I have the right to express myself. For me, it's more about not purposefully expressing something that I know others would not know, hear, or appreciate. It's about not expecting everyone to understand and not getting frustrated when they don't. It's about keeping my head down when it's in my best interest.
A few years ago this verse was about not giving time and energy to relationships that weren't worthy.
Forgiveness and healing is like an excavation. We pull long forgotten 'treasure' out from the earth's depths, dust if off, being careful not to break it, and when it is as much of itseltf as it will ever be again, you put it aside, and go back in for more. These 'treasures' are not always happy things. In fact, they usually aren't. They are treasures because they are part of a forgotten land and love it for what it once was.
I am grateful for 2013. It's been great. Moving along.
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