ANNIEONLI   43,565
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Twenty five years & order among chaos

Friday, July 25, 2014

Sunday is the 25th Anniversary of my Mom's death. emoticon

In years past, depending on how life was going, my siblings and I would have a really crappy week right before the anniversary date.... it would fluctuate between all of us who would get the crap end of the stick that year ( like last year, it came and went and I barely noticed) but for some reason, this year is a doozy for me.

Bad mood. emoticon
Neck ache that won't go away. emoticon
Little things in daily family life with people I absolutely adore, basically bugging the crap out of me. emoticon
Me constantly holding my tongue so I don't spew my random negative thoughts at people about something they do that pisses me off - why make trouble when, seriously, this too shall pass. Creating an argument is not really what this is about. emoticon If it passes and it still bugs me, and I am in a better state to calmly discuss...then that is when I have to address it.

That is where I am at this week.

I know why....it just has to pass. It's taking it's frickin' time passing though and that is just another source of irritation...like a burr under a saddle.

Thank God today is Friday.

BUT (and there is always a but) Saturday is when Hubby and eldest leave for Boy Scout Camp and I get to coordinate and finagle the other 2 with being a working mom. Not used to that one, so I have to call in the cavalry for assistance with morning reading work shop and karate and football. emoticon Yay.

Saturday is all about hanging out with other people (birthday parties and such), so that will be a nice distraction....then Sunday is the anniversary and mass and a brunch (I think).... and then the single-mom fun begins on Monday.

I should have enjoyed the early July quiet more I guess.

But there is the other thing: I did enjoy it, and I got some serious much needed self-care in that week...and the trouble really is when I have the family around and distinguishing when I should/can/would/could get that same self-care in when they are around. It's not like we are doing anything all that great anyway, and they are old enough to take a walk and keep up now, and would like to spend the time as well...but I want alone time for that sometimes and alone time for me = mom guilt when they are around. Total catch 22 in my head that I have to work out because this is not going to go away. I work 9-5, they are my family...this needs to be sorted out for health/sanity's sake.

Eww...that last paragragh was a nice bit of purging.. but true nonetheless.

Probably really should get the calendar out and plan things.... that is what needs to happen. If it's on the calendar, I tend to do it. Same thing with the extra business stuff -- if it is not on the calendar, I don't do it. Bad thing....easy solution... so why don't I do it?

Because all I do is schedule things (it's been my life's work for the last 20 years if you think about it) and when I am home...I want a break from that...but that is fantasy, not reality. Reality needs both. Scheduled and non-scheduled things. Order amongst the chaos.

Love how blogging clears the head....maybe today will be a better day than the last 3 now that it's out.

  
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DALID414 7/25/2014 10:00AM

    emoticon i get in a bad mood around Mother's Day and my moms birthday. I don't want to imagine the nightmare I'll turn into when she passes emoticon

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KANOE10 7/25/2014 9:08AM

    It is hard when you work full time in a demanding job, to come home and face more needs from your family..especially in the summer. Yet you know that taking care of yourself is so important and having time alone is also needed. Your health is valuable. I have also felt guilty about taking time to exercise when I could be with my family..but I do it.

I know you will find a creative way to juggle the chaos. I had to laugh at your comment about being a scheduler for 20 years..That is exactly what a mom with kids is.

This is a hard week for you with the anniversary of your mom's passing. You honor her and show continued love with the mass and family. Sending you hugs during this difficult time.

I think you do an amazing job of staying positive while juggling all the demands of work, family , friends, and health! I am hoping you feel better and that the neck pain goes away.

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BONOLICIOUS2 7/25/2014 8:34AM

    EVERYBODY needs alone time! Moms, sisters, daughters, even the President and Pope. Do not beat yourself up for it - it is NECESSARY and good for you!

I'm also very sorry for the anniversary of your mom's passing. Nobody can replace her and all you can do is honor her memory and carry her with you. I hope everything brightens up a bit for you too - I bet your mom would want you to be happy right?

Hugs!!!!!!!!

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Seven years

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Seven years is this magic amount of time...."they" say it takes 7 years for all of your cells in your body to change/regenerate and that basically you have a whole new you every 7 years... and "they" it takes 7 years for someone who lost a loved one to move on.

It makes sense if you actually think about them being tied together in some way.

Basically, this 2 theories are what I have "believe" and have noticed in my own life, so therefore, I have absolutely no problem passing them on as my own "truth" at this point. emoticon

I have even observed the seven year death acceptance truth in my own close family circle. It truly is amazing.

So in the spirit of casual conversation at the office, I spread that theory to someone a few months and she recently came back to me... and said she noticed a difference in her own life now that she was aware of it... Like she was starting to really forget that person and it made her sad.

Driving home from work the other day, I was thinking of how many years on Spark I have been here...I am well into my 6th year. My 7th year anniversary of Sparking is coming up in February 2015 and I am just starting to forget my old me... and it makes me wonder what the 7th year will bring.

"They" say (gotta love "them" right?) that the longer you maintain, the more likely you will keep it off in the long long haul. That is great! But part of maintenance is keeping that memory of who you were and how you don't want to be anymore. It's a needed memory...but it's also one that can be a crutch or mentally crippling depending on how you want to spin it.

For example: I am 5 pounds up from my usual 132 that I have been maintaining. 136 on the scale today and I am "battling" those last 5 pounds that I haven't had in a long time. Old fat me sees this as a failure and is screaming at me to just screw the calorie count... New thin me is screaming that it's time to take control. emoticon vs. emoticon

Listening to the new me is hard sometimes but the voice is louder than the old me now. The new is also saying to be kind, to accept that the last year was rough, and things are settling down, and that all things take time to adjust...and I will be back in my "usual" range sooner than later... to just listen to my instincts and trust the process of doing what has worked in the past.

The new me is also getting brave about launching the Health Coaching business. I have yet to complete my website, get my insurance and tax ID #, get a logo, yadda yadda yadda.... but my gut is telling me that timing is what it is for a reason... and some things need just that....time.

The whole 7 year thing might be in play here... to finally accept that the old me is really gone.

Part of it does make me sad.... I will not lie. It's like saying good-bye to someone you have known for a long time.... even though they weren't always nice to you, in hindsight, you loved them anyway.

Thinking back when I was younger...I sure did not love myself as much as I should have. That was part of my problem - lack of self-esteem. Elementary school was hard and lonely... and yes, the thought of how the world would be if I were not in it had crossed my mind back then. Would people miss me? Would it matter? Those thoughts went into middle school as well. Horrible that a kid had to think that, but there it is... I did. My family doesn't even know that I thought these thoughts at one point, because they were fleeting and somehow, I worked through them...probably had a good cry with my mom about being an outsider and then moved on as best as I could. Thank god for high school and the friends I found there! Still friends with them today....again, things just take time.

Thinking back...I am wondering now about the timing of each thing... was it 7 years in between those awful thought and finding my high school besties? Quite possible. Very possible now that I think of it. 15 - 7 = 8. Yup...that sounds about right. 8 or 9 years old. How awful... but that is when I started to get chunky and started to feel crappy about how I looked in clothing. Seeing pictures of that age make me sad to this day.

My seven year theory is making it's point once again, I see!

Wow.....crazy stuff.

Just reading back what I wrote is very trippy, btw... and it makes me want to not be sad now, but to celebrate what has come out of all of that.... ME! This "new me" that really was there the whole time... and that no matter what shape I am, I was truly there to be found... all it took was some love and self-kindness ... a support system both at home and here ... and seven years!

So I guess the moral of this story is just that....things take time... possibly 7 years time, so if you are going through a rough patch....just think! In a few months or years, it could all be different!

I have to quote a co-worker now. A quote that makes me smile when he says it, because it really is true "Make good choices!"

He has no idea how wise of a statement that is. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKLOVINGGIRL 7/17/2014 2:54PM

    What an excellent blog! The seven year quote makes a lot of sense. I also love how you talk about having to let go and say goodbye to your old self. I totally identify with that!

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Comment edited on: 7/17/2014 2:55:56 PM

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DALID414 7/17/2014 9:23AM

    I've heard this 7 year thing about the body, wonder what a dermotologist would say?

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DWEXCEL 7/17/2014 8:35AM

    I just love the new thin You! You have such amazing insight, and really know how to relate to people. I am so rooting for your Health Coaching Business; I know it will be successful!!!
Love you, and thanks for all the help you have given me over the years!

I'm in a better place, and am feeling good right now!

Donna

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KANOE10 7/17/2014 8:11AM

    That is interesting about the seven year concept. This does not relate, but it normally takes 7 years for someone who is monolingual to learn a second language and to be proficient enough to graduate out of english language support classes. Another 7 year cycle.


Your description of the old me and the new me in terms of maintenance is right on. You still hear that old voice when dealing with up pounds, but as you say the new voice becomes louder and allow you to be compassionate, stay positive and also to take action. Gradually you listen to the new you with the healthy lifestyle.

I tell myself that the new me is the person I was meant to be..free from addiction of food. Love, self kindness and a support system are key tools in being this person.

I am glad you made some great friends in high school. I also started getting chunky at 8 or 9 and felt like an outsider, even though i had friends.

I have been on Spark for 3 years and look forward to seeing what my 7th year will bring.

Thanks for sharing interesting thoughts.

You might like this quote from Brooklyn Born by Dumbledore.
“It’s not our abilities that show what we truly are, it is our choices”



Comment edited on: 7/17/2014 8:12:52 AM

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NELLJONES 7/17/2014 8:06AM

    I don't know about 7 years, just that it takes time, and time is different looking forward than looking back. Right now, in the heat of glorious summer, it seems like Christmas is way far off, yet last Christmas seems like it just happened. Everything passes and changes. The agonies of ending my first marriage seemed to last forever while it was happening, but it was 33 years ago. I remember thinking my first son would never be born (his birth was nearly 3 weeks after my "due date") but his is 44 now. I guess the question is, When I look back one year, seven years, thirty years, what do I want to remember about Now?

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Don't interrupt me when I am hangry

Monday, July 07, 2014

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I WILL bite your head off.

At 3:30 today...I was getting hungry..tummy grumbled, grabbed a few nuts real quick, drank some water. I had 1 hour to go until I went home to try and figure out what to eat, but the hunger wheels had already started to turn, and I looked up a few takeout menus by 4:00 and pretty much decided on a fresh Mexican place for a homemade burrito (without rice in it - just fresh stuff, so yummy! and I hadn't had it in years...)

At 4:30 I hit the door and by 4:35 I was in the car feeling lightheaded, and thank god for my stash of m&ms in my bag that have been sitting there for 3 weeks (yup, it's just for emergencies and this was one of them - so a quick 10 of them and I was good to go for my real dinner...and just so you know as well, it's national chocolate day!!!)

By 5:00 I was in town and debating my dinner choice when a little voice said "Just go get it...it's been years...calorie wise it really is not bad" and I was pulled toward my burrito place like a moth to a flame. emoticon

By 5:15 I was home...and still in my work clothes, I tucked in to eat my meal. No rush....I was going to savor this puppy. No distractions.... tv and phone be damned!! This thing is too rare and too good to share! emoticon

And I did savor that thing....each and every bite emoticon .... until..

The doorbell rang emoticon

ohh.... no..... who the heck could it be? emoticon

I am halfway through my meal and I have this??

So I go and open the window (not the door - I am alone, why the heck would I expose myself to anyone...so like the old 80s show "227" I open then window and talk through the screen... and it's a woman..

She begins her spiel: "Hello my name is WhotheHellCares and I am with the ConservationSocietyThatYouHaveGivenMoneyTo
InThePast and was wondering if you could support InsertCauseOfYourChoice..."

I listen for about 30 seconds because I am not rude, but I really need to get back to my meal...NEED, not want...NEED... and so I interrupt with "I so understand, but you see, now is not a good time....and I have given in the past and I know all about what you do, but I really cannot leave what I have unattended..."

Quickly she interrupts me with: "But maybe if it's not a good time I can come back in an hour and blah blah blah blah blah..."

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In response, I kindly said "no thank you, I am only home for 5 precious minutes and then I have to go out again (indeed I did too! to get gas in my car!) and this is the only time I have attend to this that I have going on, so no, you may not come back in an hour. Good luck...good bye."

And that was that. Window is shut emoticon emoticon emoticon

It felt like 20 minutes, but it probably was only 2 in total...but I DID have things to attend to....ME!

So back in the kitchen I go...to recompose and enjoy my little half eaten burrito in peace once again. To savor each little bite and chew and enjoy and make it matter.
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And I did make it matter! just like I wanted to!

Like Golum and his "precious"...the burrito was mine because this is how it is: when I really want something...and crave something...and then actually GET something?!?! then that matters a whole lot to me, especially food wise.

This is not a cake that I will consume with a fork over a week because it is there and calling me...and no one notices just a forkful at a time. (I did that a lot in my past, you know).

This is not a hot fudge jar at the back of the fridge that I will treat myself to, spoonful by spoonful and again, think that no one notices it is gone....just like the cake that disappeared. (I did that too, and will admit it outright....life as heavy me was an emotional sneak-eating nightmare.)

But THIS food...now? : This is FOOD that is FUEL that I NEED and dammit....it tastes good too, especially when you are past the point of no return hunger-wise....so BACK OFF! I am going to pay attention and enjoy the HECK out of this precious morsel!

When I pass the point of no return, I get hangry, just like the Snickers commercial..or I get super dopey and my brain doesn't work right after a certain point.

Food for me now is fuel - it keeps me running throughout the day! Food for pleasure is rare, but today...my precious burrito was both fuel and fun for my taste buds!

I tell my coworkers that all the time. They see me eat a few times a day too! and pass on things like chocolate cake at a party...not because I am watching my weight, but because I already just ate! LoL

I can just imagine what people must think about this woman who eats constantly...healthy stuff from home, and not getting stuff from the vending machine....who keeps nuts and berries, figs and dates in her desk drawer just in case she forgets or needs to eat on time.

Trust me....they are better off that I do that...or else...who knows how I would behave! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DWEXCEL 7/10/2014 7:20AM

    Love it!

There's always something in your stories that stick out to me and catch my mind. This time it was "life as heavy me was an emotional sneak-eating nightmare".

Wow, I have found that to be me......in the last little bit, maybe more, I just never thought about it until I read your words!

I've made myself get back to tracking again, this week, and was shocked to see over 2,000 calories on my first day! I know that tracking with automatically make that better, and it totally should help by making me think about that sneaky-stuff.

Thank for you reminding me, and helping me to get myself back on track.

You are the Best, as always!
Donna emoticon

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BOOKLOVINGGIRL 7/9/2014 9:49AM

    You're a great story teller! I keep healthy snacks in my lunch bag too. It helps me play nice with others, so I know what you mean. emoticon

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KANOE10 7/8/2014 8:40AM

    I also take healthy food to work and avoid the vending machines and the cafeteria food. I also keep snacks in my purse for hunger emergencies!
I am glad you enjoyed that burrito and savored every bite! Too bad about the interruption.

The other day I decided to eat a real pizza..with whole fat cheese..normally I do a healthy version. I enjoyed every bite and did not feel guilty.

Have a good Tuesday. I liked your blog.

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TORTISE110 7/8/2014 7:33AM

    This is funny and true. I am such a grump when I am really hungry and I detest SOLICITORS at my door. I fold for little kids, but that's it. Go forth and preach, solicit, educate--just not on the porch of my home.

Food is fuel and we need it when we do.

I also love what Dee says about hunger not being an emergency. Sometimes I try to sit with hunger awhile without doing anything just to practice not panicing about it. I think it helps to extend my eating time. That said, when I eat, I eat and enjoy!

Hope you do too!!

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DALID414 7/7/2014 8:30PM

    I had my nut snack at 3pm and for the next hour and a half I too contemplated picking something up. Then I thought of something I've read other maintainers mention: hunger is not an emergency. I told myself to wait until getting home and talked myself out of getting grumpy. Drank water, drank more water, and made it home ok.

I don't answer the door at all when I'm alone.

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HOLLYM48 7/7/2014 7:32PM

    Thanks for the amusing story! I am glad you were able to enjoy every single bite of that burrito. It certainly sounded good! I too bring all my food from home each day and eat healthy, avoiding vending machines, pop machines, cafeteria food and take out. Life is too short so I want only the best! emoticon emoticon

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Happy 5th of July!!!

Saturday, July 05, 2014

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The weather was horrific and very un-4thofJuly-like....so I have decided to redo the day....in my own way.

I have been eating way better the last week and yesterday went off the usual....because it was a holiday....and by the time I hit the 6th helping of chips and dip (white bean dip that I made myself btw) .... I knew the day was going to end up with me having gastrointestinal issues.

Add a bloody Mary to that - homemade too, btw...all pureed in a blender and as low-sodium as you could get for a drink like that.

I was not drunk either...but the dip and the drink started the gut party and by dinner at 2pm...I knew after the 1 rib and hamburger that I was done. Left on the plate were some potato salad and cole slaw (both made with lower fat - mustard based dressings)... and I was not feeling good at all.

Too many new things all at once - the drink, the bean dip, the red meat - the body went into shock!! LoL emoticon

After a few hours, I had a few berries and a small cupcake...that was dinner for me around 5pm...and that was it.

I don't like labels like "eating clean" or the Paleo-diet or whatever you happen to be doing at the time. The week prior I was just eating better - more vegetables and less meat, more fish (because my family is away, I have eaten what I wanted)... even less bread products, just because I wanted to listen to what my body wanted to eat.... and that was what it wanted.

Yesterday....it really didn't want to eat that stuff, but social trappinsg kinda dictated and I fell into the trap. I should have brought veggies with my dip, l but the pouring rain made me lazy as heck and the supermarket parking lot was packed...so I grabbed a bag of chips from home.

Anyway... after the gas-explosion emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon things settled down a bit by the time I went to bed... and now here I am.

With coffee in hand, I sit here and type: today is a redo - I will go for a walk, shower, do errands, listen to my lectures...

It also makes me think of all the times we go out socially and regret what we consume.... I can speak honestly and say this: MOST OF THE TIME!.

So why do we torture ourselves like that?

Because we are creatures of habit - to break the habit is hard when it comes to a social situations where we think we will be judged because we are not doing what everyone else is doing.

I am so sorry emoticon but I think I am over that.

Seriously.

I HATE feeling like garbage 10 minutes into a fun event just because I "have to" have a social drink. (That happened at a birthday party recently....my pre-party pre-alcohol snack sat in my stomach and then red wine was added to the bad snack/I need real food/when is the dinner coming party - only hubby noticed, so I guess I am a good faker when I want to be)

Like right now...I don't feel like consuming alcohol. None. at. all. I don't even want to go out with the girls or have them over because that is what they want/expect to do! That is sad. The only way around that is to go out and be the designated driver, I guess.....and sip a seltzer with lime! LoL

I know I am not alone in these sentiments. It stinks that they happen...but it is what it is. But we have to dig deeper inside to stand our ground more when they do happen.

To go with our gut intuition is a hard thing to do sometimes...but it can be done!!

Oh yes, it can....and will....be done!

Enjoy the weekend everyone!!!

  
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DALID414 7/5/2014 2:53PM

    My sis n I carpooled this AM. She had her WW meeting which is in the same shopping center as my gym. Afterwards she drove by McDs (I bit my tongue) I only got something for the boyfriend (I planned to eat something at home). Just my luck, they put an extra breakfast sandwich in with her order. Guess who scarfed it down because it's what everyone else was eating emoticon

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KANOE10 7/5/2014 8:51AM

    I agree with you that there is social pressure for food and drink at gatherings..which can lead to overconsumption. I hope you are feeling better.
I had decided I was going to indulge in a really good micro beer yesterday. As I drank it, I decided that I really was not enjoying it and tossed the rest out.
Today is a good day for a re-do. I am going to stick to healthy eating today as well!

Being a DD is a useful way to go out with your friends and to stay away from alcohol.

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BABIESTEPS 7/5/2014 7:58AM

    Love the idea of the Re-do! I'll second that!

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Silence is loud sometimes.

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Well...today is day 3 of the most quiet this house has ever been since the family went on vacation without me. (Ewe!!! that sounds so sad and pathetic!!! but it's it in a nutshell, right?)

I woke up at 4 am today...got moving by 5 am...working out and running on the treadmill by 5:30 and listening to my lecture series for school.

Yesterday and the day before were rest days since the weekend was so active and fun-filled. And I am serious about that one....the weekend I was busy the whole time...and I was alone the whole time....well, except for dinner-times.

THAT has been the hardest thing. Eating dinner alone...and I have been tracking and cooking because goodness knows - boredom can breed bad eating behaviors in an instant!

I was thinking about asking a few different people from work to go out to dinner during the week....but for some reason, I am holding back. One person lives in the town next door! LoL Still...something holds me back here....so I am going with my gut on this one.

And I can call my sisters..but we have holiday weekend plans.

I am using the quiet to my advantage, really....alone, but not too lonely....yet.

Honestly, cooking my way has been nice....I have made and eaten everything my family WON'T!!! LoL

Curried Shrimp - eaten on Monday with leftovers purposely made for Tuesday's dinner.
Today was linguini with clam sauce! Lunches have been awesome salads and fruits and yogurt.

Portions for one are interesting...if I were not tracking, I could easily overeat.

OK - so, why am I tracking nutrition again? Well, because of all of the dinners I ate out at this past weekend!!! Oh boy! Talk about sodium thru the roof!!!

I also went bathing suit shopping and was seriously less than pleased with some puffiness that has not been around in years....that means to get back on track to feel good again... It's been a long time coming, really....the suit was the last draw.

Happy to say after eating better, 4 days later the suit I bought fits better that when I bought it. Crazy stuff how our bodies react.

Oh, and don't forget the post-workout puffiness!!! Holy mackerel...ever notice how you bloat up a little bit after a good workout??? I sure do. My body retains water while it heals itself and flushes out all of the gunk. 4 days later...I am much better because of the water intake and the flushing out. Ahhhhhh.....


Anywhoooooo...that's what going on here.


I even took a dip in the pool after work ... in the new suit to try it out! LoL

I hope everyone is having a good week - almost done with one workday left!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANOE10 7/3/2014 8:11AM

    You are being very productive in your alone days. I went out of town by myself yesterday and treated myself to a Thai lunch. It fun to eat exactly what you want to eat at times. You are wise to be tracking with cooking all of your favorite foods. That can stop you from eating too much simply when something tastes too good.
How fun that your hard work has paid off and your new swimsuit fits you better.

I hear you on the sodium and water retention That happens to me all too often.

Enjoy your last day of solitude or call your sisters if you need to. I would also listen to your intuition on not going out with people at work yet. Maybe with time as you get to know them???

Even though it was hard that your family got to take a vacation while you worked, I think you have done a great job of staying positive and making it a meaningful time for you!

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NUOVAELLE 7/3/2014 2:19AM

    That's the second blog I read this morning from a sparkfriend who is trying to get back on track after a few or more "bad days"! Including me, that makes three of us. Which only comes to prove what we already know, don't we Annie? It CAN happen! Anytime! And as you have taught me, my wise friend, only going back to basics - like food tracking - can get us back on the right track. And it's really amazing how our bodies can react to the change! I was just thinking about it yesterday after a yoga workout. Only three days after eating right I felt that I could do everything so much easier!
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Enjoy your aloneness! Sometimes it's vital for our souls. But if you feel it turns to loneliness, do ask someone out to dinner. Or make that phone call to your sisters.
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DALID414 7/3/2014 1:23AM

    I swell after a good workout, too.
My jeans are so tight on the butt and thighs after a spin class, whew!
After ST, I feel like the Michelin Man!
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