Thursday, August 07, 2014
Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water.....
Just when you think the good week you are rocking is going to continue as such...
You get a "reality" check that makes you doubt and kick yourself down to the curb.....
Out of the blue, you get a compliment that was unexpected, and you hold onto it for dear life as that one positive thing that can float you along for a little bit because, for some reason, your hormones and the upcoming full moon decided to play their evil game of "let's make this bigger in her head than it should be" game.
True enough, that is has been what was going on since Monday for me. An OK start to a week bought me to an old friend who always says what's on his mind when we link up, who gives me the open compliment of how awesome I look (because he is still in shock I think) and gives the biggest hugs throughout the hour we were together, just because he has to store them up because he misses me. Nice huh? Makes me want to get together more often instead of just once a year! LoL And as we should...my calendar is out right now with free dates on it!
Yesterday, I made a dorky comment to someone, basically putting myself down in a negative/positive way, and he genuinely and quickly commented that I WAS really cool and he totally would want to work for me if given the chance. I wish I could remember my words but I was in shock and happily surprised when he responded so quickly in a positive to me. Totally made me smile that I was having a positive impact and I was liked. It was a good feeling that lasted the rest of the day!
Those small things are hard to remember when you are in a bad mindset... but they can be the little lifeline you need to get by.
My kids running up to me and hugging me hello ---- lifeline.
My morning kiss goodbye and hello kiss from my hubby --- lifeline.
My kids telling me I should try out for a tv show because of some silly talent I only show them and them thinking I am awesome when I do it ---- lifeline.
Talking with my kids openly and teaching them how to be good people...and then seeing them do it all on their own ---- lifeline.
They old saying "don't sweat the small stuff" is constantly running through my head right now... sure, that is very true when it comes to a negative that shouldn't be blown up into a major issue, but the other parts of the small stuff - the positive stuff? Those parts should be held onto and cherished.... locked away in out mind's vault to bring us back up when we start sweating the negative small stuff and before it begins eroding all that was built up for the good of our being.
There are tons of positive things we can all list about ourselves - we probably just don't do it enough. Acknowledging those positive strengths can be the lifesaver when we need it most.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Ugh.... diet drinks.
Hi everyone, my name is ___________, and if you buy my magic diet drink, you too can look like this in 30 days!
Hi everyone, my name is __________, and this brand supplement drink shake___________ will help you lose adipose tissue.
Ugh... vitamin pills.
Hi everyone, my name is ________, and if you take these 4 vitamin pills of these various plant extracts, you too can loose adipose tissue.
Now, let me tell you this: the first one is from 2 friends on facebook...the next 2 are from numerous health coaches I am in contact with from the unnamed course I am doing.
In the last 2 months - the amount of "you too can look this good" from shake users has gone up and up...and lucky me, I get to see it and fume with each and every entry.
The amount of "health coaches" pushing vitamin and mineral supplements, and natural oils and such is also ASTOUNDING in my eyes!
I just can't wrap my little tiny brain around this one... I would NEVER tell anyone to take anything unless I knew for CERTAIN that it wasn't going to jack up my own system.
If they want to take it on their own...go ahead, we will analyze it together and how your body reacts to it...journal it, log it, and determine (through a pre and post blood test results with your doctor) if anything has changed for the better.... but to TELL you and PUSH you to take something because I am in bed with a company for extra money??? Absolutely not.
For you see...I have been there, and done that. I did shakes. I did pills even. The only thing that works is what spark teaches here and what I will be teaching as well....except I will be rounding it out by analyzing the underlying causes and finding out the "Why".... because, people, there is a "Why" in our behavior, even if you don't want to admit it or look for it.
Want a real fix? Look in the mirror. Stare into your eyes. Say "I love you".
Bet money with that one simple act.... you will start crying because we don't tell ourselves enough that we love ourselves because a lot of people just don't love or care enough about themselves the way they should.
Anyway....I rarely unjoin something on FB because I don't want to "hurt" anyone's feelings...but this one is a must, because I just cannot see it everyday.
Will anyone from the group come back on in 4 months and say they were right back where they started???? Nope, probably not.
Is anyone going to read the review they read about liver-damage and tell them that pineapple and cucumber and drinking a ton of water do the same exact thing without hurting the body, and they don't have to pay a company to get it in a tiny "All-natural" chemical pouch??
There should be a SOAP BOX emoticon....because I sure am on it right now.
Anyway...I must have needed to vent this. Do I feel better? Meh... maybe when I leave the group....but on the other hand...that group of people might be a pool for potential clients later on. Business sided brain is saying to stay and just ignore or keep and research the reactions... it's got potential for really helping people when they come down off the drink "high".
Food for thought....that is for certain.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Sunday is the 25th Anniversary of my Mom's death.
In years past, depending on how life was going, my siblings and I would have a really crappy week right before the anniversary date.... it would fluctuate between all of us who would get the crap end of the stick that year ( like last year, it came and went and I barely noticed) but for some reason, this year is a doozy for me.
Neck ache that won't go away.
Little things in daily family life with people I absolutely adore, basically bugging the crap out of me.
Me constantly holding my tongue so I don't spew my random negative thoughts at people about something they do that pisses me off - why make trouble when, seriously, this too shall pass. Creating an argument is not really what this is about. If it passes and it still bugs me, and I am in a better state to calmly discuss...then that is when I have to address it.
That is where I am at this week.
I know why....it just has to pass. It's taking it's frickin' time passing though and that is just another source of irritation...like a burr under a saddle.
Thank God today is Friday.
BUT (and there is always a but) Saturday is when Hubby and eldest leave for Boy Scout Camp and I get to coordinate and finagle the other 2 with being a working mom. Not used to that one, so I have to call in the cavalry for assistance with morning reading work shop and karate and football. Yay.
Saturday is all about hanging out with other people (birthday parties and such), so that will be a nice distraction....then Sunday is the anniversary and mass and a brunch (I think).... and then the single-mom fun begins on Monday.
I should have enjoyed the early July quiet more I guess.
But there is the other thing: I did enjoy it, and I got some serious much needed self-care in that week...and the trouble really is when I have the family around and distinguishing when I should/can/would/could get that same self-care in when they are around. It's not like we are doing anything all that great anyway, and they are old enough to take a walk and keep up now, and would like to spend the time as well...but I want alone time for that sometimes and alone time for me = mom guilt when they are around. Total catch 22 in my head that I have to work out because this is not going to go away. I work 9-5, they are my family...this needs to be sorted out for health/sanity's sake.
Eww...that last paragragh was a nice bit of purging.. but true nonetheless.
Probably really should get the calendar out and plan things.... that is what needs to happen. If it's on the calendar, I tend to do it. Same thing with the extra business stuff -- if it is not on the calendar, I don't do it. Bad thing....easy solution... so why don't I do it?
Because all I do is schedule things (it's been my life's work for the last 20 years if you think about it) and when I am home...I want a break from that...but that is fantasy, not reality. Reality needs both. Scheduled and non-scheduled things. Order amongst the chaos.
Love how blogging clears the head....maybe today will be a better day than the last 3 now that it's out.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Seven years is this magic amount of time...."they" say it takes 7 years for all of your cells in your body to change/regenerate and that basically you have a whole new you every 7 years... and "they" it takes 7 years for someone who lost a loved one to move on.
It makes sense if you actually think about them being tied together in some way.
Basically, this 2 theories are what I have "believe" and have noticed in my own life, so therefore, I have absolutely no problem passing them on as my own "truth" at this point.
I have even observed the seven year death acceptance truth in my own close family circle. It truly is amazing.
So in the spirit of casual conversation at the office, I spread that theory to someone a few months and she recently came back to me... and said she noticed a difference in her own life now that she was aware of it... Like she was starting to really forget that person and it made her sad.
Driving home from work the other day, I was thinking of how many years on Spark I have been here...I am well into my 6th year. My 7th year anniversary of Sparking is coming up in February 2015 and I am just starting to forget my old me... and it makes me wonder what the 7th year will bring.
"They" say (gotta love "them" right?) that the longer you maintain, the more likely you will keep it off in the long long haul. That is great! But part of maintenance is keeping that memory of who you were and how you don't want to be anymore. It's a needed memory...but it's also one that can be a crutch or mentally crippling depending on how you want to spin it.
For example: I am 5 pounds up from my usual 132 that I have been maintaining. 136 on the scale today and I am "battling" those last 5 pounds that I haven't had in a long time. Old fat me sees this as a failure and is screaming at me to just screw the calorie count... New thin me is screaming that it's time to take control. vs.
Listening to the new me is hard sometimes but the voice is louder than the old me now. The new is also saying to be kind, to accept that the last year was rough, and things are settling down, and that all things take time to adjust...and I will be back in my "usual" range sooner than later... to just listen to my instincts and trust the process of doing what has worked in the past.
The new me is also getting brave about launching the Health Coaching business. I have yet to complete my website, get my insurance and tax ID #, get a logo, yadda yadda yadda.... but my gut is telling me that timing is what it is for a reason... and some things need just that....time.
The whole 7 year thing might be in play here... to finally accept that the old me is really gone.
Part of it does make me sad.... I will not lie. It's like saying good-bye to someone you have known for a long time.... even though they weren't always nice to you, in hindsight, you loved them anyway.
Thinking back when I was younger...I sure did not love myself as much as I should have. That was part of my problem - lack of self-esteem. Elementary school was hard and lonely... and yes, the thought of how the world would be if I were not in it had crossed my mind back then. Would people miss me? Would it matter? Those thoughts went into middle school as well. Horrible that a kid had to think that, but there it is... I did. My family doesn't even know that I thought these thoughts at one point, because they were fleeting and somehow, I worked through them...probably had a good cry with my mom about being an outsider and then moved on as best as I could. Thank god for high school and the friends I found there! Still friends with them today....again, things just take time.
Thinking back...I am wondering now about the timing of each thing... was it 7 years in between those awful thought and finding my high school besties? Quite possible. Very possible now that I think of it. 15 - 7 = 8. Yup...that sounds about right. 8 or 9 years old. How awful... but that is when I started to get chunky and started to feel crappy about how I looked in clothing. Seeing pictures of that age make me sad to this day.
My seven year theory is making it's point once again, I see!
Just reading back what I wrote is very trippy, btw... and it makes me want to not be sad now, but to celebrate what has come out of all of that.... ME! This "new me" that really was there the whole time... and that no matter what shape I am, I was truly there to be found... all it took was some love and self-kindness ... a support system both at home and here ... and seven years!
So I guess the moral of this story is just that....things take time... possibly 7 years time, so if you are going through a rough patch....just think! In a few months or years, it could all be different!
I have to quote a co-worker now. A quote that makes me smile when he says it, because it really is true "Make good choices!"
He has no idea how wise of a statement that is.
Monday, July 07, 2014
I WILL bite your head off.
At 3:30 today...I was getting hungry..tummy grumbled, grabbed a few nuts real quick, drank some water. I had 1 hour to go until I went home to try and figure out what to eat, but the hunger wheels had already started to turn, and I looked up a few takeout menus by 4:00 and pretty much decided on a fresh Mexican place for a homemade burrito (without rice in it - just fresh stuff, so yummy! and I hadn't had it in years...)
At 4:30 I hit the door and by 4:35 I was in the car feeling lightheaded, and thank god for my stash of m&ms in my bag that have been sitting there for 3 weeks (yup, it's just for emergencies and this was one of them - so a quick 10 of them and I was good to go for my real dinner...and just so you know as well, it's national chocolate day!!!)
By 5:00 I was in town and debating my dinner choice when a little voice said "Just go get it...it's been years...calorie wise it really is not bad" and I was pulled toward my burrito place like a moth to a flame.
By 5:15 I was home...and still in my work clothes, I tucked in to eat my meal. No rush....I was going to savor this puppy. No distractions.... tv and phone be damned!! This thing is too rare and too good to share!
And I did savor that thing....each and every bite .... until..
The doorbell rang
ohh.... no..... who the heck could it be?
I am halfway through my meal and I have this??
So I go and open the window (not the door - I am alone, why the heck would I expose myself to anyone...so like the old 80s show "227" I open then window and talk through the screen... and it's a woman..
She begins her spiel: "Hello my name is WhotheHellCares and I am with the ConservationSocietyThatYouHaveGivenMoneyTo
InThePast and was wondering if you could support InsertCauseOfYourChoice..."
I listen for about 30 seconds because I am not rude, but I really need to get back to my meal...NEED, not want...NEED... and so I interrupt with "I so understand, but you see, now is not a good time....and I have given in the past and I know all about what you do, but I really cannot leave what I have unattended..."
Quickly she interrupts me with: "But maybe if it's not a good time I can come back in an hour and blah blah blah blah blah..."
In response, I kindly said "no thank you, I am only home for 5 precious minutes and then I have to go out again (indeed I did too! to get gas in my car!) and this is the only time I have attend to this that I have going on, so no, you may not come back in an hour. Good luck...good bye."
And that was that. Window is shut
It felt like 20 minutes, but it probably was only 2 in total...but I DID have things to attend to....ME!
So back in the kitchen I go...to recompose and enjoy my little half eaten burrito in peace once again. To savor each little bite and chew and enjoy and make it matter.
And I did make it matter! just like I wanted to!
Like Golum and his "precious"...the burrito was mine because this is how it is: when I really want something...and crave something...and then actually GET something?!?! then that matters a whole lot to me, especially food wise.
This is not a cake that I will consume with a fork over a week because it is there and calling me...and no one notices just a forkful at a time. (I did that a lot in my past, you know).
This is not a hot fudge jar at the back of the fridge that I will treat myself to, spoonful by spoonful and again, think that no one notices it is gone....just like the cake that disappeared. (I did that too, and will admit it outright....life as heavy me was an emotional sneak-eating nightmare.)
But THIS food...now? : This is FOOD that is FUEL that I NEED and dammit....it tastes good too, especially when you are past the point of no return hunger-wise....so BACK OFF! I am going to pay attention and enjoy the HECK out of this precious morsel!
When I pass the point of no return, I get hangry, just like the Snickers commercial..or I get super dopey and my brain doesn't work right after a certain point.
Food for me now is fuel - it keeps me running throughout the day! Food for pleasure is rare, but today...my precious burrito was both fuel and fun for my taste buds!
I tell my coworkers that all the time. They see me eat a few times a day too! and pass on things like chocolate cake at a party...not because I am watching my weight, but because I already just ate! LoL
I can just imagine what people must think about this woman who eats constantly...healthy stuff from home, and not getting stuff from the vending machine....who keeps nuts and berries, figs and dates in her desk drawer just in case she forgets or needs to eat on time.
Trust me....they are better off that I do that...or else...who knows how I would behave!
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