Tuesday, October 28, 2014
I wrote one last Saturday....then I deleted it.
I wrote another the week before that....and then I deleted it.
I start to wonder why at this point....the whole deleting thing.
The writing thing has a lot to do with change, unsticking oneself so as to see another angle after the words are out there and on the "page"...but my angle has really changed in the last few months for some reason or another.
I find myself in that typical 9 to 5 job...with the myriad of workplace stresses and hassles that everyone has. The story is an ancient one. Throw the mom-guilt on it and living for the weekend and there we have it. But it's not really that way, because I like what I do...but in some ways...it is.
I am really thinking more of the whole fit-everything-in part of life that we, as a family, are going through now. Hubby and I became those ships passing in the night....so I said it, and we went out on a date on Saturday. He heard me...and THAT is a big thing.
The kids....they are great! They said to go out for the hour on our date. They have been staying home more and more alone now, here and there when it's needed and they are older - it's a rite of passage....and as a family, we are doing pretty good at it. Heck, they even went to bed with no one in the house: hubby left them after the quick kiss goodnight, I came home 20 minutes later and there they were...8:25 sound asleep. What kids do that?!?!?! Well...mine do...and I am blessed!
The reconnecting with the family is the hardest part of life right now. That's the focus it seems. Be in the present and not somewhere else. It's hard. Hard to turn off the internet and devices. Hard to say no, I am done working for today. Hard to not feel the mom-guilt when I went on the treadmill on Saturday.
Now that last one - the treadmill one - that one is something that I will have to get over sooner than later. The exercise part helps with the stress parts of life. That makes me a better mom.. so that mom stress-guilt...you can go to hell.
So why aren't I on the treadmill right now when faced with stress from the day that I know will drip into tomorrow? Because blogging helps too and it's 11:30pm....I am in my pjs.
Ahhhh....the good old excuse train coming right at ya! LOL
But lack of sleep (due to stress) is keeping me from resting my brain because then I will think about all of the stress-related scenarios which most likely will not come to anything, just like the last time I stressed out about this, but let's face it we all like to be liked and the part of the stress is that and making sure that I am pleasing everyone I have to, even though I wind up not pleasing myself at all, because god-forbid I be happy because another person is unhappy with the actions that they brought upon themselves and I happen to be the one who finally says something but god-forbid it gets taken the right way and not out of context because writing is crappy and people always skew things the way they want to see it without getting all of the facts in order in the first place.
That was a run-on sentence like no other.
But it happens all the time.
And so then...I stop writing... and talking... and I. shut. up.
I am seen and not heard.
Just like I was before I blogged.
And that isn't where I want to go back to, now, is it.
So what is the solution: add more moments; add more hugs; add more focus on the minutes of interaction with each person I love and MEAN it...instead of just doing the "yeah, I will get to it" or "yes dear, that's nice". Treat the day like it is...more.
More than just the 9-5. More than just the "hurry up and get ready so I don't get to see you" part of the day. More than just the extracurriculars that keep us going on the hamster wheel of life.
Add more thoughts vocalized to say "you are awesome at what you do"... and to say thank you and please.... and to ask for help instead of taking the world onto your shoulders.
Add more to the negative and to the positive.
For me getting the positive usually means looking forward to something FUN...but right now, the something is hard to find depending on the week. This week is Halloween - something going on every day of the weekend. Fun stuff too. Same for the following weekend....and the next. Getting to some things will be hard though...and that kills the fun a little bit because it's just more running around to accommodate. Yeah, fun stuff. Good times.
Don't even get me going about holidays... positive: the kids put requests in for their cookies...the ones THEY like. For that, I love them dearly...that took away some stress already! LOL
I am starting to ramble, but you get my drift.
Anyway...that's about it...I think I might actually go to bed now that it's out.
Saturday, October 04, 2014
I am truly amazed at how sensitive I am, depending on how I care for myself...how one little comment can send me into a spiral of negative self-talk and self-abuse.
This week...was a really good week. Life affirming even.
So why is that one stupid comment from one stupid person can make that all come crashing down?
Why is it that I have to pick up every single piece off the ground again even after such an awesome week?
I know why....so I will tell you: It all goes back to when I was a kid and being teased and feeling left out. Instead of building a tough skin, the words cut and wound. It's just the way I am made.
You'd think after so many years, I would be used to it....and I am getting better, trust me, I am...but it's when you are trying your hardest, and feeling on top the day before, then lack of sleep and poor eating gets in the way the very next day and then someone comes and makes a stupid comment... that is when it hurts.
I won't try and change myself for anyone anymore. This is me, and this is part of who I am...and I HAVE TO accept that I will get burned as before. How I react to it is what I have to work on. How I take care of myself is a big part of my resilience and ability to brush things off now. I have to be more mindful of that.
My self-care is what gives me balance. Some may call it selfish...I call it self-preservation.
My self-care is eating well...and sleeping well.
My self-care is following my gut and intuition....it has rarely let me down.
My self-care is realizing that everyday, not everyone is going to be happy with my ways, but that is there problem....not mine. That one is my work in progress. At least I don't turn to food anymore to "fix it" and make myself feel better. Score one point for me! YAY!
OK...now that I let that one out...on to some new and good news:
I took my last test to become a certified health coach!!! I passed and am now working on a logo and FB website. I will get you guys a link soon!
Branching out is scary, but timing is everything (I truly believe that) and I think it's time to get this moving....for real.
FOR MAINTENANCE!!!!!! That one snuck on me...yup, it truly did.
oh, and one last thing I learned:
My hugs are magic.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
There are 2 distinct brains that are going on here: the weight loss brain and the Maintenance (Mx) brain (forgive the shorthand, but I use it constantly at work - might as well introduce it here to everyone since writing it out is a pain in the butt sometimes.)
I am currently trying to get back into my Mx range of 130-135 but something dawned on me that I was in the wrong mindset in trying to get back there - weighing every day and expecting to see that change is a Mx mindset linked with a Weight loss mindset and those 2 together....well, it just equals frustration!
So I am now in the process of breaking that jumbled mindset and rethinking the whole thing (once again bc it's been a while since I had to think like this): back to the weekly weigh-in I go (thanks to a challenge I joined, this actually is helping me realize the snafu) and back to the mentality of weightloss: that things take TIME and PATIENCE and PERSISTENCE and say out loud that yes, even people who are good at Maintaining need to switch it up once in a while and get back in the saddle because let's face it....sometimes, it is not water weight you are holding on to.
My Mx brain is set on these things that I know for a fact: my body has at a sweet spot and I can pretty much eat whatever in moderation and not gain anything major when I am "active" (in quotes because it means that I am not just sitting on my arse, but it doesn't mean I am exercising a lot either)
My Weightloss brain is this: track stuff, get moving again, weigh once a week...basically: make better/healthier choices over all and know that things are slow and weekly loss is what we are going for.
So that is where I am now....to focus on 10 minutes of exercise a day, to make good choices, and to abstain (for a little while) from my uber-loves that brought back on those pounds (wine and eating out a lot this summer did me in) and if I do need to visit those uber-loves - track them in my tracker to be accountable instead of ignoring them.
I can honestly say, that it has been so-far-so-good the last 2 weeks...but writing it out helps me out...and maybe it can help somebody else out too!
On to week #3!!!!!!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Would you believe it that the twitch I wrote about a few days back is on its way out? Noticeably changed....almost nonexistent!
So what was the change?
a vitamin a day - I actually felt in my gut that I was lacking something and that vitamins was it, especially since I have been off with my eating lately. It seems I was right! Immediately notices a change. Coincidence? I think not!
hydration - making sure I really got it in, especially since I was taking the vitamin a day - no need to keep anything that is not needed in the body...flush it out I say!
10 minutes of gentle exercise a day - started with yoga for the stress - adding a little variety now...the kids love doing it too :)
Better eating and tracking it again, to see how things were faring up there. I'm still right on point when I want to be. :)
Sleep - go to bed right away when tired instead of forcing myself to stay awake for whatever stupid reason
Leaving work....at work! well, not tonight for a little bit, but mostly, leave it there and when there...relax and go with the flow. I have a very hyper active coworker I really respect and like .... I actually get more calm around his high energy. Strange, but true.
Change up the wardrobe! Shopped in my closet today, made me feel....good!! That really probably has nothing to do with the twitch.
It's nice to feel more "normal" again....maybe it was also weird energy, because another friend of mine was saying she was "off" as well....and she is really into that aura and earth energy stuff.
Going to keep up the tracking and vitamin a little longer - cut back to every other day, like I normally would if I was actually consistent with the giant horse pills! LoL
Looking forward to the long weekend....should be relaxing. That's what I am planning to do: relax!!!
Get An Email Alert Each Time ANNIEONLI Posts