Tuesday, December 02, 2008
I can't sleep for the last 2 nights...my mind is racing. I did that stupid free tarot card reading online and now my brain won't shut off. My HS friends visited on Fri, and we had a great time...they are all on facebook, so I joined facebook and now I can't sleep. Is it because I actually know people there? And the requests for adding friends is totally weird because some of these people I barely said 2 words to in HS and then there are some I don't ever want to talk to again for the rest of my life! Or is it time to become the bigger person and let things in the past stay there?
Here's the thing about me and HS....I was the geek... the fly on the wall with no boyfriend...the smart girl that no one wanted to be with "in that way" for whatever reason. I knew that I was the marrying type - even back then, so I guess it never bugged me when I never had a boyfriend. Sure - I had my good friends - we still are very good friends and I wouldn't change that for the world...but then there were the others that really could care less...or they cared about themselves way more than they ever cared about me, or even if I existed. And then there were the jerks - everyone has them. Now they are asking to be my "friend" when I really want to just ask "why? Why now?" Is it to add me to the alumni list and rack it up or is it to spy on my life? one of these people is in the latter category, and I have to think about this hard.
So that's what is keeping me awake. It's so much easier to come to SP - where everyone is more "distant" and yet sympathetic/empathetic, than to open up to people I once knew. Let's face it. They know me in some form or another, just like you, but when physical contact and personal space has been breeched - even so long ago...it changes everything. I like my SP buds...no past or present judgements.
Computer is dying and it's midnight...gotta go to sleep...if I can.
Edited on the morning after.....sleep and comments give new perspective on the issue.
The whole FB thing is almost a non-issue...I lived fine before....it changes nothing except keeping me in the loop with my alumni. The aforementioned person...well, he knows my feelings about the situation - for goodness sake, I certainly gave him an earful when we met up in college, and I have to actually thank the dope for hurting my feelings because then I wouldn't be friends with my best friends from HS now. Forgiveness comes in time....I guess this was the time for me. I'm probably the only one with the issue, so I should just let it go.
Thanks for the perspective everyone...it helped a lot.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sometimes, we have to accept things the way they are for right now.
It doesn't mean we give up or give in. It doesn't mean that we don't care about ourselves.
For the last month (let's face that one head on) - my good intentions of exercise have come up flat....I've flat lined in that department, big time. 180 minutes in total for this month. I've gone thru the emotions and self-beatings, but things have to be said plainly - not as an excuse, but more as plain fact - that life gets in the way sometimes.
Looking back on all my exercise tracking - I see holes - all where a month dropped out of sight because I was being a Mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter an office manager, a volunteer. All wonderful things that make me happy and make my world go 'round. So why am I going to beat myself up over this month, at this time?
Is it because of the holiday season - when everyone is talking about possible failure and/or game plans and strategies for getting thru them without failure? Am I being a self sabbateaur (is that even a word?) and blowing it way out of proportion to make myself feel like a failure - even though I am not? So many silly questions that are just plain that....silly.
Sometimes our best intentions get blown out of the water. I know - people will shoot back at me and say "you are the one in control of that" - but before I get shot down...look at where you are in your own life before throwing that first stone. Sometimes life does get in the way of our good intentions for ourselves...it's not a permanent thing, just a delay of our plan. For most of us (I hope) this is going to be a loooong life, and a looong journey to find ourselves and keep ourselves healthy and fit; and to beat ourselves up over one month of lost good intentions is just plain silly in this giant journey of our lives.
So for right now - my busy life is OK. I will not lose sight of the journey or what I've done to get where I am now. I will get back to my 10 minutes a day in due time...without any attached guilt. I will get another stability ball - my DH owes me a new one after he let the kids pop my other one...and I will not wait for Xmas to get it.
Soccer has ended (hooray!) and that is my weekend back, which means another shift in the sand to get through. Cub scouts really isn't all that time consuming as it was in the beginning,,,,it's not that bad, reallly. Work is what it is...things will pick up. Christmas shopping will get done, and if I forego my 10 minute TM intention at lunch to get a money saving deal while the kids are in school - then so be it. Will I eat apple pie at my in-laws? hell yeah! Will I eat a large piece, no not really...I can feel my insides getting sick already with all the fats from the day. Will I prepare for the day by drinking my water and taking my vitamin - yup, you bet. Will I beat myself up for living my life...no way in hell.
On a quick side note - which has something to do with my MIL and my early journey into SP. When I was preggers with my 3rd, she told me that I would probably gain the weight back, even though I was having a great pregnancy (nice huh?) that thought she put in my head crushed me, even though she probably didn't mean to.... but I digress...My MIL came over for Sunday breakfast the other day. We had not seen each other in a few months, believe it or not. Her first comment to me was this "wow, you look great! Have you lost more weight?" My response was, "no, I'm maintaining 146 pretty well for the last 4 months. That's the hardest part of the whole thing." She replied, "yeah, I know. How do I look? I gained 10 of the 40 I lost. It's not what I'm eating, it's how much, and for some reason, I just have a hard time with it." I actually felt sad for her, because of her yo-yo dieting tendencies. I've seen her go up and down 4 times in the last 12 years. Emotional eating, stress eating, no exercise, heart meds...the whole enchilada. Guess what she's getting for Xmas? A Leslie Sansone video and a hug from me.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What a wacky week....I see a pattern developing here. One good week, one bad week, one good week, one bad week. Somehow, life keeps getting in the way of my efforts to keep my dates with myself. Self sabotage?
Last week, very good with the new game plan of 10 minutes a day on the TM until Thurs, when I started to feel rundown and a cold coming on....thus I took it easy and no TM...Friday was a kid day and I was still feeling icky. Sat - worked til 12:30, birthday party 1-3, ate dinner, another girls night out party 6:30 - 9:30...no time there. Sunday...recoup in the morning for and hour then raked leaves for 2 hours, then soccer, then dinner, then baths...Monday, kids again and den outing, Tues raked leaves all day, Wed worked and took kids to doctors for checkups....I swear to heaven above, that the headcold paranoia killed the streak on the spot. CRAP!!!!
The result (include bad food choices and social drinking to the above list of nuttiness) was 3.5 pounds. I know, I know...up and down...up and down. But it really blows when you see your scale go up one pound at a time and you still don't stop the chip from going in your mouth, even though you know better. CRAP!!!!
Oh well. I can't sob into my Fiber One toast for too long. Back in the saddle for the billionth time. This won't be the last time I write about this either, I'm sure. Sure as heck hasn't been the first time! LOL
Today's fun is a sick pathetic 4 year old going to the office with Mommy to lay on his grandfather's couch and watch TV while Mommy tries to get work done. Good thing today is a short workday for the office. AARGH. There goes my 10 minutes again. Maybe before the kids get home from school I can wedge it in.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Everyone once in a while, we have to reassess and see what works and what doesn't.
RIght now, because of life...the 30 minute workout thing is not working out as planned and my strength has been interrupted by my stability ball getting popped by my cherubs playing outside with it, thanks to my lovely darling hubby, who wanted to keep them occupied outside. Love them!
So on Monday, I worked out on the TM for just 10 minutes and got off. Told DH last night that I wanted to go on the TM for 10 minutes again, but got 20 minutes in instead, and then got off. I'm actually running during those times, increasing the time at each session. It honestly feels good and I now know why people run. The endorphine rush is very nice...not exactly orgasmic and not tipsy, but close to it...so why not continue - what's not to like! Not too many things can make a girl weak in the knees! ROFL!!
So that's the plan. I can squeek in 10 minutes a day...and if it goes up because of time availability, then that is great. I'm trying to focus on it as stress management, and the 10 minutes and other things will help me out there.
And today, I am buying a new digital scale - the spring is shot on my old one and I keep playing guess what weight you are today....so irritating!! I get it set up just so, then the 2 yo moves it and then I'm back to square one!
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