ANNIEONLI   49,576
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Insomnia - night #3

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I haven't had this in....well, since I was prego! I can't blame reconnecting with past people (like the last blog) either, because I'm in a worry mode now ...What's the future going to bring? What career path should I take for my next thing? Should I follow my passion? How do I do that? Should I go back to school? I have to call this or that person back. I have so & so to buy for still. When am I going to wrap? What should I get DH? When am I going to decorate (all by myself)? When are we getting the tree? All that crap is keeping me awake. My mind won't shut off.

I've tried the deep breathing techniques....yoga....milk...beer...counti
ng sheep...If it happens tonight - I'm hitting the treadmill. Some might say I need something else, but let's keep this g-rated...besides that is the very last thing I want to do when I'm in this mental mode. Maybe that's my problem! LMAO

Funny ---- I used to blog about food and exercise, now I'm venting about my head! Anything helps...'tis the season, right?

Anyway - Glad to get that off my chest.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMLION 12/3/2008 9:31PM

    Oh my, you are a bit stressed out huh?? Ususally, that is me. I used to have insomnia a lot. Once I started working out, I started falling into sleep a lot easier! I say bump up the work out routine or maybe bump up the "other" workout routine emoticon hehehehehe. Yeah, I was just telling my DH the other day that when I am stressed out, the "work out" is not on the top of the totem pole for me. Poor guy, he didn't understand where I was coming from. Oh well.
I'll say a little sleep prayer for you when I get into bed tonight!! Good luck!!

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OAKBORN 12/3/2008 1:57PM

    Loved your list of relaxation techniques... I'd get up and treadmill... sounds like a plan!

I hate it when I can't shut my brain off! I usually get up and DO something, like blog, especially and then I can get back to sleep.

You could put up the tree in the middle of the night...? emoticon

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Stepping out of my comfort zone

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

I can't sleep for the last 2 nights...my mind is racing. I did that stupid free tarot card reading online and now my brain won't shut off. My HS friends visited on Fri, and we had a great time...they are all on facebook, so I joined facebook and now I can't sleep. Is it because I actually know people there? And the requests for adding friends is totally weird because some of these people I barely said 2 words to in HS and then there are some I don't ever want to talk to again for the rest of my life! Or is it time to become the bigger person and let things in the past stay there?

Here's the thing about me and HS....I was the geek... the fly on the wall with no boyfriend...the smart girl that no one wanted to be with "in that way" for whatever reason. I knew that I was the marrying type - even back then, so I guess it never bugged me when I never had a boyfriend. Sure - I had my good friends - we still are very good friends and I wouldn't change that for the world...but then there were the others that really could care less...or they cared about themselves way more than they ever cared about me, or even if I existed. And then there were the jerks - everyone has them. Now they are asking to be my "friend" when I really want to just ask "why? Why now?" Is it to add me to the alumni list and rack it up or is it to spy on my life? one of these people is in the latter category, and I have to think about this hard.

So that's what is keeping me awake. It's so much easier to come to SP - where everyone is more "distant" and yet sympathetic/empathetic, than to open up to people I once knew. Let's face it. They know me in some form or another, just like you, but when physical contact and personal space has been breeched - even so long ago...it changes everything. I like my SP buds...no past or present judgements.

Computer is dying and it's midnight...gotta go to sleep...if I can.

************************
Edited on the morning after.....sleep and comments give new perspective on the issue.

The whole FB thing is almost a non-issue...I lived fine before....it changes nothing except keeping me in the loop with my alumni. The aforementioned person...well, he knows my feelings about the situation - for goodness sake, I certainly gave him an earful when we met up in college, and I have to actually thank the dope for hurting my feelings because then I wouldn't be friends with my best friends from HS now. Forgiveness comes in time....I guess this was the time for me. I'm probably the only one with the issue, so I should just let it go.
Thanks for the perspective everyone...it helped a lot.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMLION 12/3/2008 9:23PM

    Well, the best I can tell you is to do what is best for you. If you don't want these people in your life, don't respond to them. Some people are looking to reconnect, some are looking to "spy" and some are just wanting to add people b/c they think the more "friends" they have the more popular they seem. I have to say, I do fall into the first two. I have enjoyed reconnecting with some of my old "bestie" friends I had from school and I have also spied (sp?) on people that I wouldn't really care if we connected again or not. I can be a bit nosey sometimes! I also have my myspace page open for anyone to spy on me and my fabulous family if they choose to. They can't leave comments or anything w/o being a friend though.
High school for me was fun, except for the whole getting up early, having to study and having to do school work thing. I can thankfully say I didn't have any lasting hurtful memories. I got the occassional teasing about my freckles, crispy white skin and my curvy badonkadonk but nothing that serious.
As you say, forgiveness does come in time. No need to rush, take all the time you need!
emoticon

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VALERIE:) 12/2/2008 10:16AM

    I completely know what you mean. I have had people contact me on myspace from school and I think, why bother? I remember all of my school years being the fat girl and being tortured for being fat by everyone. Honestly, I had and still have very few close friends. It bothers me now that they want to be my friends on myspace, and they leave comments like, WOW you look sooo good, GOOD for you... etc. Because it feels like they are actually saying, about time your not fat anymore, you know? I can definitely sympathize with your situation. I agree with some of the other comments, I guess I am partially still wounded too.

But now I am a confident woman, and don't need people like that in my life. Try not to let it keep you from too much more sleep!!!

PS, I love my Sparkbuddies too!!

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VANESSAANN83 12/2/2008 9:04AM

    Ya know, I've never been able to hold a grudge...it's just not in me. SO, I cannot QUITE understand where you're coming from, but I was also in your shoes in HS. I have a facebook, and I simply do not approve friend requests from old HS friends...unless we are still pretty close. I just cut all ties, especially since I live in a new state now. I'm not upset with any of them, I mean...we've all done mean things, myself included. I just don't care to deal with the upkeep of relationships that I don't care to have. Also, my life is MINE...and I don't want to share with them ;) Good luck in your decision!!

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OAKBORN 12/2/2008 8:14AM

    Wow, do I understand what you are talking about. I was the one picked on from early on in school, geeky, etc.

I'm on Facebook too and have connected with a few folks from high school... and added a few that I didn't know so well. I have been kind of careful though.

Honestly I think that a lot of them are trying to recreate connections in a nostalgic way, whether they existed or not. A lot of "those people" wouldn't even remember the way they treated you... or care... though it is seared into your heart's memory.

I do "get" it because I was there back in the day... and I haven't forgotten it, even if they have. Dare I say that perhaps part of me is still wounded?

emoticon

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MVMEME 12/2/2008 12:39AM

    HI...just started reading your blogs...I think your picture says it all...you are the only upside down image so far...you are unique and willing to be yourself...just because you happened to go to school with them years ago doesnt mean you have to have a relationship now...you be in charge of your space...so called friends are time drainers and energy drainers and as you said sleep drainers...so just say NO it's OK you are not a bad person...sleep well emoticon

PS dont know but you may not even have to do anything except not respond to their requests...dont use facebook myself...but have just deleted requests for other social contact that i didnt want...

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Accepting things is OK

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sometimes, we have to accept things the way they are for right now.
It doesn't mean we give up or give in. It doesn't mean that we don't care about ourselves.

For the last month (let's face that one head on) - my good intentions of exercise have come up flat....I've flat lined in that department, big time. 180 minutes in total for this month. I've gone thru the emotions and self-beatings, but things have to be said plainly - not as an excuse, but more as plain fact - that life gets in the way sometimes.

Looking back on all my exercise tracking - I see holes - all where a month dropped out of sight because I was being a Mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter an office manager, a volunteer. All wonderful things that make me happy and make my world go 'round. So why am I going to beat myself up over this month, at this time?

Is it because of the holiday season - when everyone is talking about possible failure and/or game plans and strategies for getting thru them without failure? Am I being a self sabbateaur (is that even a word?) and blowing it way out of proportion to make myself feel like a failure - even though I am not? So many silly questions that are just plain that....silly.

Sometimes our best intentions get blown out of the water. I know - people will shoot back at me and say "you are the one in control of that" - but before I get shot down...look at where you are in your own life before throwing that first stone. Sometimes life does get in the way of our good intentions for ourselves...it's not a permanent thing, just a delay of our plan. For most of us (I hope) this is going to be a loooong life, and a looong journey to find ourselves and keep ourselves healthy and fit; and to beat ourselves up over one month of lost good intentions is just plain silly in this giant journey of our lives.

So for right now - my busy life is OK. I will not lose sight of the journey or what I've done to get where I am now. I will get back to my 10 minutes a day in due time...without any attached guilt. I will get another stability ball - my DH owes me a new one after he let the kids pop my other one...and I will not wait for Xmas to get it.

Soccer has ended (hooray!) and that is my weekend back, which means another shift in the sand to get through. Cub scouts really isn't all that time consuming as it was in the beginning,,,,it's not that bad, reallly. Work is what it is...things will pick up. Christmas shopping will get done, and if I forego my 10 minute TM intention at lunch to get a money saving deal while the kids are in school - then so be it. Will I eat apple pie at my in-laws? hell yeah! Will I eat a large piece, no not really...I can feel my insides getting sick already with all the fats from the day. Will I prepare for the day by drinking my water and taking my vitamin - yup, you bet. Will I beat myself up for living my life...no way in hell.

On a quick side note - which has something to do with my MIL and my early journey into SP. When I was preggers with my 3rd, she told me that I would probably gain the weight back, even though I was having a great pregnancy (nice huh?) that thought she put in my head crushed me, even though she probably didn't mean to.... but I digress...My MIL came over for Sunday breakfast the other day. We had not seen each other in a few months, believe it or not. Her first comment to me was this "wow, you look great! Have you lost more weight?" My response was, "no, I'm maintaining 146 pretty well for the last 4 months. That's the hardest part of the whole thing." She replied, "yeah, I know. How do I look? I gained 10 of the 40 I lost. It's not what I'm eating, it's how much, and for some reason, I just have a hard time with it." I actually felt sad for her, because of her yo-yo dieting tendencies. I've seen her go up and down 4 times in the last 12 years. Emotional eating, stress eating, no exercise, heart meds...the whole enchilada. Guess what she's getting for Xmas? A Leslie Sansone video and a hug from me.

  
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BABYSTEPS93 11/30/2008 2:29PM

    Thank you so much for checking in on me...I really needed a friend to keep me accountable! I can totally relate to your blog, I have done the same thing. I started spark people in the summer before I started back to work teaching. Now I am back to work and life has gotten in the way of my good intentions.

I have three kids also and I am trying to involve them in things. Being a good mom, wife, employee etc. takes time. =) I was so happy to hear from you and them my computer crashed and I never log on at work. I am up and running again and hope to start getting connected again.

There are going to be days when we simply don't have time to exercise..but you are obviously doing something right or you wouldn't be maintaining your weight loss! I think as long as it continues to be on your mind despite your busy life you will get back on track when you can. You might not be able to do as much as you were a month or two ago, but it all adds up! Don't beat yourself up about it....you are doing great!!!!!

Crystal emoticon

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IAMLION 11/25/2008 8:23PM

    You have hit it right on the head!! Life does get in the way at times. Especially when you have little ones. There is never enough time in the day. You are doing an awesome job of being flexible!! Life is all about testing your flexability and you are bending, stretching, etc... like a pro! Keep up the great work!! emoticon emoticon

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OAKBORN 11/24/2008 8:24PM

    Hey girl! I understand! I have fallen way short of my exercise minutes this month too! I don't know what has happened, but it just seems like exercise is an afterthought of late for me.

But you are holding your own in weight loss arena and you will get back with it.

More hugs from Missouri!

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I hate it when life gets in the way

Thursday, November 13, 2008

What a wacky week....I see a pattern developing here. One good week, one bad week, one good week, one bad week. Somehow, life keeps getting in the way of my efforts to keep my dates with myself. Self sabotage?

Last week, very good with the new game plan of 10 minutes a day on the TM until Thurs, when I started to feel rundown and a cold coming on....thus I took it easy and no TM...Friday was a kid day and I was still feeling icky. Sat - worked til 12:30, birthday party 1-3, ate dinner, another girls night out party 6:30 - 9:30...no time there. Sunday...recoup in the morning for and hour then raked leaves for 2 hours, then soccer, then dinner, then baths...Monday, kids again and den outing, Tues raked leaves all day, Wed worked and took kids to doctors for checkups....I swear to heaven above, that the headcold paranoia killed the streak on the spot. CRAP!!!!

The result (include bad food choices and social drinking to the above list of nuttiness) was 3.5 pounds. I know, I know...up and down...up and down. But it really blows when you see your scale go up one pound at a time and you still don't stop the chip from going in your mouth, even though you know better. CRAP!!!!

Oh well. I can't sob into my Fiber One toast for too long. Back in the saddle for the billionth time. This won't be the last time I write about this either, I'm sure. Sure as heck hasn't been the first time! LOL

Today's fun is a sick pathetic 4 year old going to the office with Mommy to lay on his grandfather's couch and watch TV while Mommy tries to get work done. Good thing today is a short workday for the office. AARGH. There goes my 10 minutes again. Maybe before the kids get home from school I can wedge it in.

  
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TRECECOOKS 11/15/2008 6:42PM

    When you can do better, you will. As will I. I can sing along with your entry today!!

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IAMLION 11/14/2008 7:48AM

    Oh Anne!! I'm on that up and down, good intentions train with ya! I had a great week and then I didn't make it to the gym or do too good w/eating & drinking since! I'm going to get a running start and try to hop back on again!
Take care of yourself and your sick little one!

emoticon Connie

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OAKBORN 11/13/2008 7:48AM

    What comes to mind is: Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans...

Sounds like you have everything going on... and being sick is truly a monkey wrench. However that is the time that you MOST need to take care of yourself!

Keep trying to shoehorn in your exercise. Also perhaps take stock of exactly how much time you have taken for just you lately... there might be a pattern there?

Just remember you are an important priority in your life!

emoticon emoticon

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The New Game Plan

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Everyone once in a while, we have to reassess and see what works and what doesn't.

RIght now, because of life...the 30 minute workout thing is not working out as planned and my strength has been interrupted by my stability ball getting popped by my cherubs playing outside with it, thanks to my lovely darling hubby, who wanted to keep them occupied outside. Love them!

So on Monday, I worked out on the TM for just 10 minutes and got off. Told DH last night that I wanted to go on the TM for 10 minutes again, but got 20 minutes in instead, and then got off. I'm actually running during those times, increasing the time at each session. It honestly feels good and I now know why people run. The endorphine rush is very nice...not exactly orgasmic and not tipsy, but close to it...so why not continue - what's not to like! Not too many things can make a girl weak in the knees! ROFL!!

So that's the plan. I can squeek in 10 minutes a day...and if it goes up because of time availability, then that is great. I'm trying to focus on it as stress management, and the 10 minutes and other things will help me out there.

And today, I am buying a new digital scale - the spring is shot on my old one and I keep playing guess what weight you are today....so irritating!! I get it set up just so, then the 2 yo moves it and then I'm back to square one!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VANESSAANN83 11/6/2008 7:35AM

    I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but to giggle at your little game name "...guess what weight you are today." Ha ha. I hope you love your new scale :)

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IAMLION 11/5/2008 9:14PM

    emoticon sorry I am laughing about the ball! Those husbands, aren't they something!! Whatever keeps the young ones happy!!
Wow! on the running! I have never liked running, I really hate it!! But I will slip it in when I can! Now I see why so many people run, they must get the same effect from running as you do! Wish I did!
Great job to fitting in the exercise as you can!! emoticon

oops, emoticon I apologize for being long winded on your spark page!

Comment edited on: 11/5/2008 9:14:17 PM

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OAKBORN 11/5/2008 8:11AM

    Do what 'cha gotta' do!

Running is hard but great! Welcome to the new tennis shoes club!

emoticon emoticon

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