Sunday, May 17, 2009
Today was really cool when I opened SP and found out I was motivator of the day...for a few reasons:
#1 - I had no idea they even did that until about a month ago, in fact I missed a good buds day about a month ago (still feel bad about that one Oak - you know I would have thrown a ticker tape parade on that day)
#2 - the past week has been SOOOOOO crazy hectic, I've been off of the SP radar since my last blog on the 11th....it was nice to see some visitors on the old page! LOL
#3 - this world is waaaaay cooler than Facebook.
You might wonder why I even say that. Well, for one, I am me here. Totally. I pose no fronts, I hold nothing back. If you want my opinion - I will give it with a warm heart and helping hand. On SP - people see more "me" than even my family does. My emotions are put on display easier here than there. They knew me in different phases, but the whole time of being in those phases, I was the person I am - right here, right now. Does that even make sense to you? It's hard to explain. The self conscious, low self esteem person they knew - which at times with them was not the case on the outside - was there the whole time on the inside. Here at SP, the self conscious, low self-esteem side of me has emerged into someone new...more self assured, more self esteem, more self worth... than ever before. Does that make sense to you now?
So on FB, do you think I have posted any real heavy pics of myself??? 20 or so years has gone by with some of these people...some 15 years...some 10-12 years. All of those markers, I can honestly say were heavy markers - aside from my wedding when I was 154 (a low weight) and stuffed into my wedding dress. My good high school friends - my core group of 4 - they have seen me go up & down...they don't judge, but are happy for me...and I for them however they are because I love them with all my heart. But the question is still on the table...have I posted any real heavy pics of myself? The answer is an ambiguous "not really."
High school pics are up by other people - I am thinner now than I was then, so there you go.
College pics from College #1 - nope - none are up...kinda want to not display that era of stupidity if you catch my drift. LOL
College pics from College #2 - none yet, but then again, there weren't many taken with my friends b/c we didn't carry around cameras like today....I take that back - a few are up, but I'm hiding a lot.
Wedding pics - one is up of me & my core HS friends.
Prego pics - none up yet.
Post partum pics - one or 2 where I look 165 and haggard & then I went right back up again.
My good HS friends know what I'm up to...in fact one is here...and if you read this Steph...I love ya girl! My good bud Fred knows my secret too...he cheers me on from afar. I told one FB & HS friend my weight journey, but not my secret.
Another FB friend has a weight hiding secret on FB as well...she's lost about 50 pounds & she is a patient in my office....we joke about not revealing our heavyweight secrets on FB...but part of me is almost ready to say...."you know what, so what!!!" and to come out of the closet for good. I'm ready to post a pic labeled "yeah, that's me" and leave it there for all to see.
Is it the anonymity of SP that gives us this freedom to express ourselves and to find ourselves amongst our own baggage? Is it the paralyzing judgement of our peers on FB that freezes us into non-action of something as silly as posting pics of ourselves in an unflattering light?
I'm so sensitive to other people's self-images that I ask them permission before posting pics of them on FB, because that is what I would want them to do for me...and I've held back on family members' pics for just that reason.
Anyway....I didn't mean this to wax so philosophical on you, but I guess it was on my mind. I have Sparkpeople as a fav on my FB page, but noone has asked me about it thusfar.
I'd love to shout it out on FB that I was SP Motivator of the day too, because that made my week...but that will have to wait until some reunions come about.
In the meantime...thanks SparkPeople...thanks for being such a great website and support system for sooooo many people out there. I can't think of my life without you.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happy Post-Mother's day to you! It was great yesterday, however, I unfortunately have reap the aftereffects which come with the day....oh what fun!
You might be wondering why I say this? Well, my good sparkbuddies know that I can't eat certain things: ice cream, cheese cake, cake icing, any abundance of chocolate - basically refined sugars and everything thing that I absolutely love.
So here's my gripe with my own body today: I had HALF a brownie at noon (big woop) and then at 7pm, I made a banana cream pie with SKIM milk, but used real whipped cream - maybe I ate 1/4 cup of the bad fats - BOOM - this morning I feel like crap! Ugh! It has to be the refined sugars, because I ate nothing out of the ordinary - and from my tracking, the fats& carbs were a little high for the dieting zone, but totally OK for maintenance range and I BARELY went out of the maintenance range.
So that's that. I'm done with desserts for good. They make me feel like crap. I LOVE to bake to, but I guess it's going to be will power over the urge to eat because this just stinks. What is funny to me about this whole thing is that I never seem to learn! LOL Whenever I think I'm OK, I'm not. Better off not having it in my book. I feel like a healthnut even talking like this, but I think I'm going to be sticking with natural sugars from now on.
I'm sure there is some technical & medical term involving blood sugars spiking & whatnot, the function on the liver/pancreas/speen, etc. which, honestly, I know all about, but REALLY! can't a girl just have one stinkin' brownie God???!!!???
Ok - I feel better. Now back to the old recovery grind of water water water & eating light today w/ low fats and fruits & veggies. Hahaha - I might make 136 after all!! LOL! Gotta see the water bottle as half full...always!
Friday, May 08, 2009
I have that....BIG TIME. Bathing suits season is here, and I will wear one (under duress mind you), yet in my daily life I have form fitting clothing phobia. I would love to know the real medical name for that one.
Today, I pulled out of my drawer, a stretch type, fitted T that I bought from the Kmart clearance rack by accident (the shoulders are all screwed up & are gonna piss me off all day, but I digress). I usually buy the cotton ones w/o the stretch because in the past, God forbid! I show off the back fat! and I usually by the size up so they have room to shrink. Nice mentality I have, huh? Years & years of low self-esteem coming thru loud & clear. Anyway, today is my SAHM day, and no one is going to see me - except my SIL coming over, so why the heck not. I HAVE TO GET OVER THIS!
So today I'm going to wear this clingy t-shirt and look in the mirror whenever I pass it. I've talked about the mental picture before - I'm still at 162 for some reason...well, this month at least. Every bump, every divit, bring it on.
Why am I blogging about this is another question...well, I lost a few extra pounds & last night, I tried on a few dresses that I bought on clearance to see if they fit better- like I have anyplace to wear them. Actually, I take that back. I'm a godmother in 5 weeks, so there I go -an occassion! The size M and size 10 both fit...albeit with bumps, but going a size up would be worse. I have a giant load of loose skin on my belly that isn't going to go away overnight, it looks like a 6pack, which cracks me up. So what to do? what to do? Well, I'm going to buy some Spanx - LOL - to help with the 6pack & I'm going to get over my phobia today if it kills me...which it won't, kill me, that is.
This all comes about from an article I read on Spark about liking oneself in a bathing suit. The writer basically said to wean yourself into the situation. I like that advice & am going to put it into action.
This is a weird challenge for me because even as I type this, I want to rip this stupid shirt off and put on my comfy loose cotton t-shirt.
6PM update....I made it through the day! My SIL came over & she was like, that shirt really fits you (it was under my fleece b/c I was cold) So I took the fleece off. She was all like - it look awesome! It really fits you well! She knows how I was, so she's really happy & supportive like that.
Anyway, we got into this whole conversation of fitness & goal weights and maintainablilty. She just had a baby, so she can relate to my world now really well. Anyway, it was a good day, nonetheless. I'm not ready to go out food shopping in the shirt, but it's a start.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
I went out last night with some people I haven't seen in 10 to 12 years. They were pre-husband and were actually there we had our very first date, and one was at my wedding, but after that..well, people moved on & life got in the way.
Well - first off...they knew the heavy Anne. I felt like I was the fat girl friend in this group of 2 women (this includes me BTW) and 8 guys. I crushed on each & every guy in the group at one point I think, but was too self conscious to do anything about it. Anywho...me & my old girlfriend reconnected thru FB, and I with another one of the guys, and Whallah! a reunion took place last night at an old restaurant we used to go to.
It was such a great time getting together with these people - I cannot express! I still have that huge grin on my face from last night. No awkwardness, no weird vibes - just smiles & laughter...probably because nobody dated one each other in our group! LOL
I will say this, appearance wise, everyone else looked the same, but I absolutely FLOORED my friend John (ROFL) and my friend Ann (LMAO). Ok, Ann gained a little, but she was a size 0 way back when, and now she looks, well, normal. I think she's a size 4 or6 now - LoL & she looks fabulous!
The weirdest thing about this group is that we have only a few pictures of our time together from way back when...but I really wish we had at least some. Well, we took a few pics and had a bunch of laughs and I was no longer the self conscious one this time... I was the life of the frickin' party!!
I don't think we'll ever let 10 years go like that again. I'd like to add that there is a certain freedom and comfort that comes with getting older & wiser...we are all in great relationships and happy in our lives...but there's also an added exhilaration about making one of my past secret mini-crush's mouth hang open on first meeting. That was cool.
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