ANNIEONLI
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What I've been up to.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

So much has gone on the the last half month - you would not believe!

First things first - my husband had a HUGE cyst and 2 fistulas removed from his behind. Yes, I said it correctly - tush, behind, butt - pick a word, it still had to be done and he's just fine and recovering 10 to 14 days until the sutures come out, but let's face it, a lot of stuff is falling on me now and in the end - I get the pain in the ass, not him! emoticon

Second - up to the surgery, I had to prepare a pack night for the whole troop on the same day as the surgury! No kidding! Great timing huh? Lots of things going on, like I said. This project was the equivalent to a very large presentation for a board of CEO's - except I don't get paid for it at all. Nada. Nothing. At all.

Lots of prep...lots of worry over hubby...lots of prep for what I'm doing with the kids...lots of stress....which in turn turns to LOTS OF STRESS EATING!!! I felt like a bottomless pit! You name it, I ate it (within reason, of course). I actually missed my period and had to take a pregnancy test because everything was so out of the ordinary and I was so ravenous!! Just imagine that one! LOL (no, I'm not prego...my IUD just kicked into not-period mode, which is totally normal to happen. Funny how it happened now though!)

So that's what's been going on in my world. Now things are calming down - somewhat. Hubby's recovery means that I have to get tons done because life doesn't stop. He's helpful yet can't push it too much or else he will be useless even longer than the recovery time.

Scouts is almost over, which is good too. One more meeting and one more pack night.

Today daycare has the kids & today is my day to play catch-up on all the house stuff once I get off of here - mow lawn, clean pool - stuff that I usually DON'T do! LOL

FYI - Realizing that the stress eating thing was a problem was eyeopening. I know I do it, but WHOA! I have to reign this horse in. Today. NOW.

So off I go to mow my lawn and drink my water and pee all day long in between. Come join me on the saddle! It's fun! LoL

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMLION 6/5/2009 7:28AM

    emoticon Wow! Talk about stress! Look at you being the great multi-tasker!! emoticon You are awesome!

I hope your hubby is feeling better! My husband had something like that once and it about killed him when they lanced the thing. I was in the room and it wasn't pretty. He can handle a lot of pain so it had to be a pretty painful procedure if it made him groan in agony! Your hubby is in great hands, I'm sure your are being a very attentive nurse emoticon

Take care!

emoticon Connie

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AMJSATURN 6/2/2009 5:23PM

    Annie,

Get well wishes to the hubby.

It is amazing how stress can contribute to getting your period or not. And I would much rather join you at poolside.
Let me know when you are done cleaning it.

emoticon. This is me in your pool.

Alexia

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SASSYSACY 6/2/2009 1:08PM

    Oh Annie! Busy, busy but once again your on top of it! Good for you---way to take control!

Hang in there and enjoy the ride!


Tracy emoticon

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What my FB friends don't know...my SP secret.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Today was really cool when I opened SP and found out I was motivator of the day...for a few reasons:
#1 - I had no idea they even did that until about a month ago, in fact I missed a good buds day about a month ago (still feel bad about that one Oak - you know I would have thrown a ticker tape parade on that day)
#2 - the past week has been SOOOOOO crazy hectic, I've been off of the SP radar since my last blog on the 11th....it was nice to see some visitors on the old page! LOL
#3 - this world is waaaaay cooler than Facebook.

You might wonder why I even say that. Well, for one, I am me here. Totally. I pose no fronts, I hold nothing back. If you want my opinion - I will give it with a warm heart and helping hand. On SP - people see more "me" than even my family does. My emotions are put on display easier here than there. They knew me in different phases, but the whole time of being in those phases, I was the person I am - right here, right now. Does that even make sense to you? It's hard to explain. The self conscious, low self esteem person they knew - which at times with them was not the case on the outside - was there the whole time on the inside. Here at SP, the self conscious, low self-esteem side of me has emerged into someone new...more self assured, more self esteem, more self worth... than ever before. Does that make sense to you now?

So on FB, do you think I have posted any real heavy pics of myself??? 20 or so years has gone by with some of these people...some 15 years...some 10-12 years. All of those markers, I can honestly say were heavy markers - aside from my wedding when I was 154 (a low weight) and stuffed into my wedding dress. My good high school friends - my core group of 4 - they have seen me go up & down...they don't judge, but are happy for me...and I for them however they are because I love them with all my heart. But the question is still on the table...have I posted any real heavy pics of myself? The answer is an ambiguous "not really."

High school pics are up by other people - I am thinner now than I was then, so there you go.
College pics from College #1 - nope - none are up...kinda want to not display that era of stupidity if you catch my drift. LOL
College pics from College #2 - none yet, but then again, there weren't many taken with my friends b/c we didn't carry around cameras like today....I take that back - a few are up, but I'm hiding a lot.
Wedding pics - one is up of me & my core HS friends.
Prego pics - none up yet.
Post partum pics - one or 2 where I look 165 and haggard & then I went right back up again.

My good HS friends know what I'm up to...in fact one is here...and if you read this Steph...I love ya girl! My good bud Fred knows my secret too...he cheers me on from afar. I told one FB & HS friend my weight journey, but not my secret.

Another FB friend has a weight hiding secret on FB as well...she's lost about 50 pounds & she is a patient in my office....we joke about not revealing our heavyweight secrets on FB...but part of me is almost ready to say...."you know what, so what!!!" and to come out of the closet for good. I'm ready to post a pic labeled "yeah, that's me" and leave it there for all to see.

Is it the anonymity of SP that gives us this freedom to express ourselves and to find ourselves amongst our own baggage? Is it the paralyzing judgement of our peers on FB that freezes us into non-action of something as silly as posting pics of ourselves in an unflattering light?

I'm so sensitive to other people's self-images that I ask them permission before posting pics of them on FB, because that is what I would want them to do for me...and I've held back on family members' pics for just that reason.

Anyway....I didn't mean this to wax so philosophical on you, but I guess it was on my mind. I have Sparkpeople as a fav on my FB page, but noone has asked me about it thusfar.

I'd love to shout it out on FB that I was SP Motivator of the day too, because that made my week...but that will have to wait until some reunions come about.

In the meantime...thanks SparkPeople...thanks for being such a great website and support system for sooooo many people out there. I can't think of my life without you.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABYSTEPS93 6/1/2009 4:09PM

    Hi Annie,
I really enjoyed your blog and can totally relate. I love FB but I don't want people to see what I have become. I get so mad at myself for letting things go for so long and wasting so much of my life. I certainly don't want to be judged by others who have never went through the same struggles.
I think that is what is so great about SP, no one judges....they are truly there to support eachother. I haven't been on SP for such a long time and noticed that I have lost a few friends...which makes me sad. Thanks for hanging in there and being so brutally honest about your feelings. It is nice to know that there are others out there who feel the same!
Take Care,
Crystal emoticon

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AMJSATURN 5/18/2009 9:13PM

    Annie,

You are so totally right!!. I don't know how your thoughts are so in tune with what many of us are thinking. You seem to put it in the right words , every time. emoticon.

I don't use Face book not really interested at this time. Lots and lots of invites. MySpace is really not me, I did try it and pulled the plug on that.

But Spark people is totally different.

Enjoyed the blog as always.

Alexia

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STACYAND 5/18/2009 1:06PM

    We seem to be on the same wavelength...I too have a Facebook and 'sensor' which pics I put on there depending on how I feel I look in them. I'm embarassed to say this but, I'll also go so far as to untag photos that friends have taken of me! But you are so right! So what? Who cares what I look like? My friends don't. And why should I care what people from a long time ago who see me think? Thanks for the encouraing words!

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WIMBLEDONMUM 5/18/2009 11:48AM

  Laughing so hard - just got back from holidays and have culled through all the pictures to put on FB - i think there is one of just my head from the chin up! Read your page and was very motivated by it. Am in a very similar situation as you were- 186.5 after 2 kids and trying to get back to the weight I was when i got married - 154... It helps wehn you can see someone who has been able to do it and the numbers are similar. Thanks for leaving the various comments and weigh-ins on your page.

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LEAVNTHEW8BHIND 5/18/2009 10:38AM

    totally understand this blog!

Sparkpeople is my "no hold barge" area - mostly because I do it under an alias. I'm embarrassed about my weight and don't want ANYONE (I know) to know what I'm doing. It's my secret and that's the way it needs to be - I need to do this for myself and with no one pushing me in my life, but with the online support that is nonjudgemental.

Keep it up!

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BIONIC2 5/18/2009 10:38AM

    I refuse to join FB or MS. They just don't do it for me. I think for me it's like you said, the anonymity of it helps. I've got to admit now, though, that I've put my before and now pictures up in my gym. It wasn't until I reached 50 pounds gone that I felt I even had the right to do it. My progress is there for the world to see and right next to those pictures is a SP flyer!

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GRALLEN 5/18/2009 9:47AM

    I have to admit, I haven't really posted anything on FB about my weight loss journey either. And I've been very selective on what photos of me are on there.

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MOMMA_GRIZZ 5/18/2009 8:28AM

    That was a very thought provoking blog - loved it! Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Congratulations on being the motivator! You are doing fantastic!

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OAKBORN 5/18/2009 8:24AM

    Annie! You.Rock.

I understand subdividing your life between different blogs/social networking sites based on who might be reading it. I am open at different levels on different sites.

I am glad that you are comfortable here. Sparked friends are the best! (As I well know because of you!)

And you DESERVE this!! You've been my friend through a lot here! emoticon emoticon

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Refined sugars suck

Monday, May 11, 2009

Happy Post-Mother's day to you! It was great yesterday, however, I unfortunately have reap the aftereffects which come with the day....oh what fun!

You might be wondering why I say this? Well, my good sparkbuddies know that I can't eat certain things: ice cream, cheese cake, cake icing, any abundance of chocolate - basically refined sugars and everything thing that I absolutely love.

So here's my gripe with my own body today: I had HALF a brownie at noon (big woop) and then at 7pm, I made a banana cream pie with SKIM milk, but used real whipped cream - maybe I ate 1/4 cup of the bad fats - BOOM - this morning I feel like crap! Ugh! It has to be the refined sugars, because I ate nothing out of the ordinary - and from my tracking, the fats& carbs were a little high for the dieting zone, but totally OK for maintenance range and I BARELY went out of the maintenance range.

So that's that. I'm done with desserts for good. They make me feel like crap. I LOVE to bake to, but I guess it's going to be will power over the urge to eat because this just stinks. What is funny to me about this whole thing is that I never seem to learn! LOL Whenever I think I'm OK, I'm not. Better off not having it in my book. I feel like a healthnut even talking like this, but I think I'm going to be sticking with natural sugars from now on.

I'm sure there is some technical & medical term involving blood sugars spiking & whatnot, the function on the liver/pancreas/speen, etc. which, honestly, I know all about, but REALLY! can't a girl just have one stinkin' brownie God???!!!???

Ok - I feel better. Now back to the old recovery grind of water water water & eating light today w/ low fats and fruits & veggies. Hahaha - I might make 136 after all!! LOL! Gotta see the water bottle as half full...always!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMJSATURN 5/17/2009 5:30PM

    Annie,

So many times I resolve not to eat the junk but I do and then feel bad.

Too tight waistband. If only the tummy fat would leave!!! emoticon.

Well I am still trying.


Alexia emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OAKBORN 5/11/2009 12:05PM

    Your blog so illustrates why we should listen to our bodies. It also illustrates how everyone's body is different. Very important things to remember for all of us. (I have a best friend whose body is beyond wonky... I could just go on and on... but I've known her for years and it has never changed...)

Keep hanging in there girl!



emoticon

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Form fitting clothing phobia

Friday, May 08, 2009

I have that....BIG TIME. Bathing suits season is here, and I will wear one (under duress mind you), yet in my daily life I have form fitting clothing phobia. I would love to know the real medical name for that one.

Today, I pulled out of my drawer, a stretch type, fitted T that I bought from the Kmart clearance rack by accident (the shoulders are all screwed up & are gonna piss me off all day, but I digress). I usually buy the cotton ones w/o the stretch because in the past, God forbid! I show off the back fat! and I usually by the size up so they have room to shrink. Nice mentality I have, huh? Years & years of low self-esteem coming thru loud & clear. Anyway, today is my SAHM day, and no one is going to see me - except my SIL coming over, so why the heck not. I HAVE TO GET OVER THIS!

So today I'm going to wear this clingy t-shirt and look in the mirror whenever I pass it. I've talked about the mental picture before - I'm still at 162 for some reason...well, this month at least. Every bump, every divit, bring it on.

Why am I blogging about this is another question...well, I lost a few extra pounds & last night, I tried on a few dresses that I bought on clearance to see if they fit better- like I have anyplace to wear them. Actually, I take that back. I'm a godmother in 5 weeks, so there I go -an occassion! The size M and size 10 both fit...albeit with bumps, but going a size up would be worse. I have a giant load of loose skin on my belly that isn't going to go away overnight, it looks like a 6pack, which cracks me up. So what to do? what to do? Well, I'm going to buy some Spanx - LOL - to help with the 6pack & I'm going to get over my phobia today if it kills me...which it won't, kill me, that is.

This all comes about from an article I read on Spark about liking oneself in a bathing suit. The writer basically said to wean yourself into the situation. I like that advice & am going to put it into action.

This is a weird challenge for me because even as I type this, I want to rip this stupid shirt off and put on my comfy loose cotton t-shirt.

6PM update....I made it through the day! My SIL came over & she was like, that shirt really fits you (it was under my fleece b/c I was cold) So I took the fleece off. She was all like - it look awesome! It really fits you well! She knows how I was, so she's really happy & supportive like that.

Anyway, we got into this whole conversation of fitness & goal weights and maintainablilty. She just had a baby, so she can relate to my world now really well. Anyway, it was a good day, nonetheless. I'm not ready to go out food shopping in the shirt, but it's a start. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OAKBORN 5/9/2009 8:11AM

    Oh Anne!! How well I understand what you just said. I like the other person calling it Claustroclothia... it took me awhile to start doin the form fitting stuff... but now that I have... I LOVE showing off all my hard work.

The Spanx advice sounds spot on, ease yourself into the transition and your mind will change with it!

My belly is hilarious... tight in the middle around the belly button and then skin that hangs in a weird oval around that. I'm considering some surgical intervention. emoticon

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FIREFROG76 5/8/2009 11:21PM

    Let's call it Claustroclothia.

But...it sounds like you're well on your way to beating it! You're doing great and mabe by wearing fitted clothes at home you'll get used to them before the next 5 weeks are up!

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The life of the party!

Saturday, May 02, 2009

I went out last night with some people I haven't seen in 10 to 12 years. They were pre-husband and were actually there we had our very first date, and one was at my wedding, but after that..well, people moved on & life got in the way.

Well - first off...they knew the heavy Anne. I felt like I was the fat girl friend in this group of 2 women (this includes me BTW) and 8 guys. I crushed on each & every guy in the group at one point I think, but was too self conscious to do anything about it. Anywho...me & my old girlfriend reconnected thru FB, and I with another one of the guys, and Whallah! a reunion took place last night at an old restaurant we used to go to.

It was such a great time getting together with these people - I cannot express! I still have that huge grin on my face from last night. No awkwardness, no weird vibes - just smiles & laughter...probably because nobody dated one each other in our group! LOL

I will say this, appearance wise, everyone else looked the same, but I absolutely FLOORED my friend John (ROFL) and my friend Ann (LMAO). Ok, Ann gained a little, but she was a size 0 way back when, and now she looks, well, normal. I think she's a size 4 or6 now - LoL & she looks fabulous!

The weirdest thing about this group is that we have only a few pictures of our time together from way back when...but I really wish we had at least some. Well, we took a few pics and had a bunch of laughs and I was no longer the self conscious one this time... I was the life of the frickin' party!!

I don't think we'll ever let 10 years go like that again. I'd like to add that there is a certain freedom and comfort that comes with getting older & wiser...we are all in great relationships and happy in our lives...but there's also an added exhilaration about making one of my past secret mini-crush's mouth hang open on first meeting. That was cool. emoticon emoticon emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IAMLION 5/7/2009 7:28AM

    That's awesome!! So glad you had a great time!

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OAKBORN 5/2/2009 6:59PM

    How fun! And what a great reaction from ex-crush guy!

Keep on rockin' it!!

BTW, cottage cheese is GREAT food... meant to say that earlier! Low in fat and PACKED with protein! Mix with fruit or whatever floats your boat and yummmmm..... I love it with pineapple too!

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