Monday, June 28, 2010
My sisters have been going through old family pics lately. Well, they looked cute, despite all the fashions..I unfortunately do not think so much of myself. This has been something that has plagued me my whole life...the heaviness...the unhappiness...the shyness that, well maybe only I can see in my face. In every picture, when you can find one, I can tell you EXACTLY what I was thinking about my weight at that time in my life....especially around 10 years old and after. I WISH I could sit down and enjoy the pics with them, but it is a bit too hard for me to do....maybe one day I won't feel so ..... ashamed. It's hearbreaking to hear your father say, "Oh Anne" and know exactly what he is referring to in an instant, before the words "I never saw you as that heavy" are spoken.
So, enough of that, back to the present and reality. The pictures are different - go ahead and take them! I don't mind how I look now, even in the more unflattering ones. Go ahead and take them, it documents that I was there - present and accounted for! Go ahead and take them, I will try not to pick myself apart like before!
Part of my maintenance now is accepting things as they are. It's a hard thing to process when your mind has a habit of being negative, even after success in WEIGHT maintenance. Let's call it Body Image Maintenance.
At some point in time, in the past 2 months, I'd say, my mental body image has taken a hit. Not working out regularly brought on the dreaded "bat wing" arms (the kind that keep on waving after the waving has ceased) and the belly pooch that was NOT there 8 months ago. The mental body image...well, it's now at a weight of 165. THAT is NOT good. I can tell you RIGHT NOW that in the past, that type of mental head game made me GAIN weight back times 2!! "Oh, I can eat this, I've been good, it's not THAT many cals" or "oh it all balances out, I can eat that and work on it tomorrow" (big fat liar). Another big fat lie is "Well, I have time to get fit before the reunion (wedding, insert occassion here)".
Hello dear, it is time for a wakeup call...you are lying to yourself again and it is not a good thing to listen to the little devil on your shoulder...she is the one that killed your self image in the first place...knock the crud out of her and bring back the pretty guardian angel that sat there before.
Another reason for this blog is the whole bathing suit thing. I keep picking apart my torsoe - in all it's lumpy, pizza dough glory. So help me GOD (and this IS a prayer here) - help me not pick myself apart! I've had 3 children...a suitcase worth of excess skin...stretch marks since I was 13! PLEASE help me not pick myself apart! It is SO hard not to compare myself to others. It is SO hard not to be ashamed of, what I now consider, battle scars. It is SO hard sometimes. Give me the mental strength to get past this garbage in my head. Amen.
That being said...I'm going to do my strength training now. Baby steps are what I'm back to. My ball and band are my friends. My best friend, Treadmill, has been uncovered in the basement once again and the place has had a much needed cleaning done yesterday. I looked back at my journals from last year for a reality check on what I was and where I was....thank heavens for Spark is all I can say.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I don't CARE who you are....how thin or thick you are....bathing suit shopping stinks.
For the first time IN MY LIFE, I was honestly and actually happy to go bathing suit shopping! Last year wasn't bad at all, Kmart did right by me in fact...with a cute skirt and halter top...but alas, the top is now big (bye bye girls) and the plastic clasp broke while kayaking (thank god for a coverup)
So THIS year - I said to myself: GO FOR IT...Spend the money on a more expensive suit with METAL clasps that will last 2+ years...so there I was today, at a specialty shop, surrounded by swimsuits - name it, they had it.
And the search began. I find a top in my size...there is NO bottom swimskirt (to hide my thighs). I find a bottom, there is NO top. I try a full cup pushup thing....hideous, I try a Miracle Suit....it was a miracle to even get it above my knees. I try on skinny straps, and finally find a top that I like...no size medium. No suit PART cost less that $57 too. The last swimdress thing I tried on was Donna Karen at $158 and I could see how the straps could possibly work...neither could the help in the store (who were more than ready to help and get a sale).
I gave up.
I headed to Kmart.
Attention Kmart shoppers...where the heck did you put the suits that were there 7 days ago?????
I search and search. I find.....THE CAST OFF DREGS.
I dive in to the measly racks...lo and behold! my size!! a whole slew of them! I grab them and RUN to the fitting rooms, All I need are some tops to go with the black bottoms I already have from last year.,.,and as I enter there is a aqua & gold cute swimdress I immediately like on the "put away" rack...in my size!!! I grab that too.
Victory with the aqua....vistory with the black.....vistory with the stripe (I KNOW - stripes are a no no but with my kids, who cares)...vistory with a twist top tankini...THANK YOU JACLYN SMITH!!!!
Out I go triumphant!!!!!!!
At the register....grand total of $53 with $35 (40%) saved.
All LESS then the fancy store where that amount would have bought me a BOTTOM to a top.
So...it ends in a happy ending...and not hideous in any (although the TOM bloat is upon me - oh well - and I am just starting to work out again after 6 months - it can only go up from here).
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I'm still alive!! Just in case anyone was wondering
Holy crazy month Batman!
So I got some REALLY awesome news about school when I had a much needed advisement session a few weeks ago....I was told that all of my pre-requisites for the pre-requisites (that I thought would be null and void after this year) will not be at all....the 10 year cap set in place by the school is for the pre-requisites ONLY!! and I am working on them now, so I am GOOD TO GO! which also means that I DO NOT have to make my life a living hell by taking all of these classes within the year just to apply to the January session!!!! I also learned about a few things they look at and stress in the application portfolio - mainly being prerequisite GRADES - SO why???? am I going to bust my butt taking 2 classes at a time to get mediocre B's when I know if I slow down and concentrate I can get A's??? AND if I take an extra year to apply, I can also take some of the other nurtition classes that will lighten up the load for the following year as well!
SO - what I am going to do is this: finish up these 2 classes one at a time to get A's, get applied to the other 2 online classes...and take my fall class as scheduled. The 2 online classes, well, they are of a different sort, with no real deadline and when I get them done, I get them done...but without any pressure. Mind you, I also have to scout out internships too...SO if I get to that in the meantime, I will.....but here is the thing...I am a MOM and a WIFE and I WORK, so doing all of this probably before January is not very realistic (I realize that now), but it won't hurt to try to get into the 2011 class, but most likely, I will extend my learning and make my life easier and apply to the 2012 class instead.
Why am I switching things up like this? well, I CAN BREATHE for the first time in 6 months!!!! I can move my body again!! I can be a happy mom instead of a stressed out mom!! I can have FUN and not worry about a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING DEADLINE!! Things I learned - ask questions, go for my dream even though it might take longer, keep this bigger picture in my mindset than just that one tunnel. When I thought I was on another more doom-like looking path last month and I thought my dream was going down the toilet because of class schedules (lol-this was before my advisement session) I really really realized that I REALLY REALLY WANT and NEED to go for this career...which makes this AOK now that I can take and make my life and (more importantly) my family's life more pleasant in the process. I can honestly say this too....my husband has been WONDERFUL and SO SUPPORTIVE of my career path...he deserves a more pleasant life with me as well too!! Eventually, when the program starts, things are going to be nuts once again, but in the meantime, a little less nuts is better for him too.
This kind of goes into my nutrition lifestyle mindset anyway....two steps forward, one step back, just like Spark.
BTW - for all my buds here...I think of you all everyday...coming back to the fold soon to chitchat!!! Thanks for always being there when I need you! You are all AWESOME and AMAZING people!!!! Glad to call y'all my Sparkfriends!!
Friday, May 28, 2010
I feel like an expert in the topic...I play with and fight with my head all the time. I know I was depressed at one point in my life (and no, a doctor didn't need to tell me that becuase hindsight is 20/20) and that was probably when I was my most heaviest - well, as a single person at least. But I can remember back to that time and now go to myself - WTF were you thinking? Where was the self-love? Where was the self-esteem? Not once did I think that I'd be anything except heavy and unloved, so that is where I was...stuck in a quagmire of self-pity.
OK - so it might not have been written on my sleeve, or tattoods across my chest, but underlying, it was there - all you needed to do was dig a little and it was there...hiding from everyone's view except my own...which mentally, I thought was really out there for all to see - written on my face. But it wasn't.
Anyway - eventually the story changed...hey, I found an awesome guy - when I was heavy too - who loved me for me, and had 3 great kids! But underneath, something was still there - that cruddy self-esteem of mine. You can laugh at this next part - I still mentally visualize myself as heavy...I'm still working on changing that mindset...it takes a long time to change that mental image...1.5 years later, still working on it.
So when I started Spark, I had to physically change my mindset. Why do I say "physically" for something mental??? Well, because if you don't say that you are "awesome" and "loved" - "smart" and "funny" outloud - well, then, sometimes the mind just won't hear you. Kinda like a 7 year old going, 'yeah yeah mom' but not really hearing for the 100th time to pick up his room. So everymorning, doing my makeup, I look in the mirror and say those words to myself. Even now I do this when I need a pep-talk. I'm not screaming them, it's just a whisper at times...and I become my own cheerleader.
Now stop - reverse that thinking....in my depressed stage of life...I was whispering how fat, ugly and useless and unloved I was...so really, it does make a lot of sense to change your mindset in this new way. I'm not even making this up - One of Spark's fast break things to choose is the 5 minute pep-talk...I picked that one and still use it today! I'm just saying - there is something to it.
So if you happen to be really beating yourself up for something? take a minute to look in the mirror - in your pretty eyes and say "hey you, cut it out! stop beating yourself up and move on and do something about it! You can do this!!"
Become your own cheerleader - you'll be glad you did.
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