Saturday, February 26, 2011
Kind of a rough week for me. I am definitely PMS and the family being home & killing my routine did not help it at all...but on the treadmill this morning, I finally figured out what was off. It was CONTROL.
Control and it's lack thereof....or it's desire to have all...is an issue for a lot of people. I know it is for me.
I read somewhere on-line that Sara Rue, the new JC celebrity rep, finally had to relinquish CONTROL to someone else, her consultant and the food system to finally get a handle on her weight issues.
I read that on one of my friend's pages as well, as well as a Spark Article in Fitness about giving control over to a personal trainer.
It's a really big concept to finally reliquish control and physically BE controlled by another in order to move forward.
And then there are the CONTROLLERS - the ones that NEED to be in control in order to feel (insert psychobabble line here). Controlling ones food intake (or lack-thereof) is a power trip. Think about it: if you feel like you have no control over other aspects in life it is EASY to control that part. And if your unhappy about something or depressed, subconsciously, the eating control can be a wicked combination.
And then there are those that just want to have control relinquished for a bit in order to just BREATHE for a minute to find themselves...because all of the control that they have is a burden at times. Mom's, Dad's, Caregivers, bosses...etc...etc...so many fall into THIS category it's not funny.
Anyway....you get my drift...treadmills thoughts at work once again.
So where do you fall in the line-up?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Yup.....Valentine scars...I've got a TON of them.
Why?? Well, it all goes back from year & years of many many things....the main thing being that I was pretty shy & self-conscious for - ummm...forever.
I was the girl in high school who got the white "secret admirer" carnation freshman year from the school because they didn't want the left-out girls to feel.....left out, when all of the other girls were getting tons of colored carnations in homeroom from boyfriends. Yeah, Freshman year I actually thought I had a scret admirer...what a dummy. I figured it out eventually...call it scar #1. Thank heavens sophomore year was not that bad - my group of friends made a point to all buy each other carnations and write special notes to one another....thank heaven for friends. ...but still, I had my heart on my sleeve for someone every year, and every year...nothin'. I always joked I was the marrying kind...even at 16 years old. LoL I think up until I met my husband...the day always left a bad taste behind....even chocolates could not erase.
Looking back every year, I can honestly say that it is one of my least favorite holidays. If there could be a poster child fro a Grinch that Stole Valentines Day - I would be IT!
Mind you I am married to a great great awesome guy too....it's just that he is not a romantic, buy me flowers type of guy. Fancy restaurants have never been in our repertoire because he feels like a bull in a china-shop. Over the years, we just have this undertone of acceptance of who we are...and that love in our world does not require flowers, candy , stolling violins, and clinking china...although I think I'd at least like a Mariachi band once in a while.
So now that I have kids, I had to make about 60 valentine's day cards for the kids to hand out in school. Thank goodness they are old enough to write stuff for themselves or I would have had writers cramp! add the schoebox mailbox for my 6 year old, and I'm a crafty little cupid! Even so, I woke up today in that same old mood....the Valentine Grinch was making heart shaped pancakes, adding wine to the potroast in the crockpot and making sure everyone had their stuff for school....all the while grumping.
MAYBE we need to spice things up....MAYBE I need to LET him spend money on the overpriced flowers, but really, I'd rather save that for a trip to Disney....MAYBE he needs to just buy me flowers for "whenever" instead of this particular day....MAYBE if I weren't so scarred from the past disappointments/crushes I'd feel a bit happier about this particular holiday.
You'd think I'd be over long lost crushes from my shy/heavy/quiet days...yeah, not so much. It's something to work on...that is for sure. Maybe that is why I am blogging it out...to finally be rid of those thoughts that come into my head every year.
In a few minutes, I have a very romantic appointment scheduled...a trip to my gyno!!! SO romantic!! I keep laughing to myuself that I'm getting a tune-up today! I'll post that funny thought here, because I think on facebook, people might just be like "hey TMI!" ROFL
In honor of my real love who is always by my side...who saw me for me years and years ago..we were both very very heavy too...I'm wearing the very first piece of jewelry he ever bought me - a gold bracelet with a heart on it. When we married....it was for better or for worse, in sickness and in health....and it seems like we have to add in thickness and thinness to those vows. We're both the thinnest and healthiest we have been in years.
In looking back - I will take my unromantic love anyday over those silly Valentine scars I carry around. He's awesome...and I am lucky to have him.
Monday, February 07, 2011
3 years ago today I looked like this
I weighed 187 pounds because that is what the scale said that day....and I cut off all of my curly hair that I was hiding behind and I had the hairdresser blow it out straight. This is my first official before pic in regard to my Spark journey. It was a day of rebirth. A day of taking control and not looking back at who I was before, but who I WAS going to be.
Today is my 3 year Sparkiversary.
Ironically...I blew out my hair myself yesterday, just for a change to see it's new cut & color from the week before...and I realized that 3 years ago I had the "same" hair! So in homage to the day - I took this picture in the same exact spot I took my first official Spark before picture. I weigh 131 pounds today.
I don't know why, but this Sparkiversary is hitting me like a ton of bricks. Not only did I hit my original goal of 150 and maintained that and other weights along the way, but I am almost 20 pounds LESS than that original goal weight. Did I ever think that I would be "thin" like this?? No way. The numbers I see on the scale today are quite surreal at times...because it is still a daily battle to forget the number 187 and the image in my mind that I mentally connect with my self-image. Slowly, I bring that number down to 167...then 150...then 137 which I maintained for a long time....the current body self-image has been the hardest part to grasp for me. I think it always will be there in the back of my mind, but maybe that is what keeps me going forward to keep it off in the way that I am doing it.
In honor of today, I treated myself to a really great workout. I got some great tunes on my iPod and off I went. I played some that I started out with 3 years ago...some made me cry just thinking about how hard it was to do 3.5 mph on the treadmill. Today, with a new song - I ran 5.5 for 5 minutes straight with a huge smile on my face the whole time. Feeling my heart pound with that energy running through my body was exhilarating!!! It was SO good to run and remember where I was and how far I had come.
As for the future...I'm hoping I keep up my exercise that I have going on. I don't have any great plans to run a marathon or anything...at this point in time getting outside for a walk or a bike ride with my kids now that they are older would be something to strive for in my world. I plan on eating and tracking the same as I have been doing the last 3 years....it keeps me on point and accountable. I don't plan on hitting the 120s, but if I do, I will embrace those like all of those other unexpected numbers in my life. I plan on continuing my education so maybe, one day, I will be a registered dietician....now THAT is my marathon...it might take years, but I will do it.
In the meantime...it's time to get back to my reality of being a happy, healthy active mom...a mom who can run, dance, sing, laugh and love without thinking...because while I look back at the past and get a bit sad and teary...the present makes me so very happy...and the future is full of wonderful possibilities.
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