Monday, April 04, 2011
When I was younger, although I was a happy enough kid, I really felt alone and a bit of a misfit, even though I had 4 other siblings. It's the God-honest truth...and it was part of me that made myself shy to the outside world and I think the comfort of food helped...and did not help. I didn't have a lot of close friends, but I had books and music and my family, and being smart helped me earn praise that I so desperately wanted...and needed.
So I lived in my little glass box. I pretended I had friends. I used my imagination to go places where I was pretty and popular and had hair that I could flip into a feather-style instead of the wavy curly mess that I struggled to just comb. I was teased for not having the right clothes, for not being in fashion, for being a geek...even for sitting on the bus with a kid noone else liked because he smelled bad and there you go - he was now my boyfriend. Yeah, kids are cruel.
All I ever wanted was to be liked.
To this day, I have that same tendency to feel the need to be liked. I try my hardest not to offend: to not say what is on my mind at the moment, because sometimes, saying things without thinking can get you in trouble....and most of the time, things pass and change and the thoughts that were on my mind really would not pertain to anything life-altering at all. Well, except when they are, but people usually figure things out without my help anyway.
Today I felt like I was back inside my little glass box.
It's about 12:18am and I cannot sleep.
I can look to the right of me and through my little glass box I see pictures of "friends" I had made through my children's classes via the lovely world of Facebook...at first all I see is the one as a hostess and her son at his Baptism...scrolling through the pictures, I see that the ladies I went to dinner with 3 months earlier are all at the Christening party with their kids....and another woman has birthday party pictures up, yet my son is not there...and the entire group went to a meet and greet for some band with all of their kids that were friends in Kindergarten together......and yet......me and my son are not there. What do I have to do to get in? I stink at playdates...I admit it! I told you that! I can't go out all the time either...just because I said 'no' once doesn't mean I don't want to be invited again!
And here I was, thinking that I was "in" a group that I would benefit friendships from and my son would grow friendships with....but yet, I feel stuck inside my glass box once again, just like when I was a little kid.
Sure, they like me, I am funny...and charming...and quick witted....but yet, I am not in their circle. I have tons of people who think that today....great. wonderful. fantastic. I'm so glad. But seriously, would you be there to catch me if I needed you on another level??? I would be there for you because that is how I am....but would you for me?
And then I turn to the left in my glass box. Do a 180 turn, literally and figuratively...and there you go. Do those people really know me? Do they want to? I think they'd like me if they gave me a chance....if they saw past my insecurities of feeling like an outsider when I am with them. Do I embarass them? Am I not cool enough for them?
That side of the box makes me feel like I am in middle school once again, sitting with the uncool girls in the cafeteria. I am chubby and make-up free and wearing leggings with a bad sweater with braces once again and terrified to change in the girls locker room because I felt like every criticizing eye is on me.
The glass box does have a back that I cannot see directly....yet I know it is there. When I TRY to see it, it quickly disappears...and yet it is still there, at my back. I can lean on this part of the box even thought I cannot see through it directly. This part has my back. It feels strong and safe. It's like everyone who has seen me is there...including my husband, my kids and my kindred friends and family.
In front of me is still a glass wall....and depending on the day, it is really thin and airy (these are good days - let's say 95% of the time)....or sometimes (the other 5%), it is reallly thick and cloudy. On the thick and cloudy days, the box can get smaller and smaller too, almost suffocating and it feels as if someone is pouring bad crud all over my head through a hole in the top of the box.
The bad crud is viscous and evil...thoughts of comforting through food is renewed and that ...is ...terrifing. I revert back. The right side crushes in....the left side crushes in....the top of the box lowers.....it feels just horrible. The crud makes me doubt everything I thought right...makes me think that I am an unworthy and horrible person even thought I know that it is not true...makes the box flip over and over until every thought in my head is completely unhinged.
And then I cry.
What else can I do? I won't eat...I cannot talk to anyone because they are all asleep.
So I cry.
There is nothing to do except release this emotional valve on the glass box because if I don't, the glass box might just crush me.
And being crushed by an imaginary glass box would be just plane weird now, wouldn't it?
So a good cry and a laugh ends this blog.
Why did I come here and post this? Because I am here and I pride myself on being real here. Because not everything for everyone is sunshine and roses. Because someone...out there might be going though something just like it, but grabbed the bag of Doritos instead....which I have to confess, I did have some today with lunch...and more than my usualy portion...which scared the dickens out of me. Because I have come too far to let old habits and old crud wash over me and ruin everything I have worked so hard to successfully sort out in my head. Just because......
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
This past week was absolutely nuts - between work, family and cub scouting obligations, my head was spinning off of it's axis....and now I'm glad to be back here to check up on everyone once again!! Whew!
But wait....just when I think I can breathe again....WHAP! SMACK! Right in the kisser! It seems like more things keep popping up from out of the blue!! Sports has started up in our world...so that is most of the craziness going on. To keep my day straight today, I even made a timeline! Every hour on the hour, I had to be somewhere to do something for someone. I am exhausted....and it's only Tuesday!
So anyway...I got a few nice compliments from out of the blue that I wanted to share. They came out of nowhere...and had absolutely NOTHING to do with how I look now (a nice thing) but rather on how and what I have done...on things that I really care about but really don't consider all that mind-blowing...it's just part of what I do in the day to day nuttiness that is my world.
The first came on Friday night. I am the Den leader to the 8-9 year old group of CubScouts known as the Bears. It was our den's turn to host the night for the 50 families involved in our Pack (the entire group as a whole)...and so I gathered my brain, reorganized the format into what the Boy scouts of America deems as the "proper format" and used that as my guide. Hey if it has worked for 100 years, why am I going to reinvent the wheel, right?? So I nixed any craft and figured the kids could learn First Aid....age appropriate first aid to boot...and from there, it was full steam ahead! I came up with a program, tweaked it with the help of my assistant/husband and my den parents and we were pretty good to go.
On the night, we rehearsed somewhat (why can't kids listen intently...really? my one pet peeve) and then everyone arrived. 4 things I personally wanted to accomplish: start on time, teach them something, have fun, and end on time. Well....it HAPPENED!!!! Everything always has a snafu to work through (and there were, but minor), but all in all - it went GREAT!!!! Couldn't have done it without a team effort from my parents (who have such faith in me it is scary!), but seriously, it was awesome!!!! All of the prepwork and format changes were spot on....I was in shock.
So this one veteran dad to our organization was leaving and seriously says to me "Wonderful. Thank you so much. That was the best pack night I have ever been to. Thank you. I don't know what this pack would be without you here." I think my jaw hit the floor in astonishment. All I could do was stammer "Wow, thank you." a few times.
The other thing that floored me was that everyone, for the first time, helped clean up the room and most of the pack LEFT the building by 9:15!!!! Usually, we are left cleaning up until about 9:45 or later! My CubMaster (the Boss) had her coat on, and gave me this huge hug "I can't believe we are leaving on TIME! and I talked to PARENTS one on one tonight! I never get to do that!" It was a bloody miracle night in my book! LOL
It really was an awesome night.
I started CubScouts with my 1st grader - 3 years ago....it was also the time when I started Spark. I was literally scared to death that first year to speak in front of a group. Now....guess what? Complete 180 - you cannot shut me up and I'm looking at being the head CubMaster in 2 years once my eldest graduates and my other 2 are in it for the next few years. Would I be so into it now if I didn't lose this weight? I don't know. I gained confidence in myself, and that alone was has been priceless.
When I started scouting, I was not that into it either - it was more of a pain in the butt with all of the prep-work and trying to figure out the ropes on my own. This year, I mentored a first year leader and she said that if I didn't explain it the way I did, she would have bailed the first month in. It's all how you look at things, that is all. Hindsight is also 20/20.....using that knowledge I gleamed from my own disaster first year has been priceless as well.
This year, I figured everyone needs an organization to belong to. Something that does some good for others is even better. For me it's Scouting. For others, it could be a religious organization, or a politial group...or a running club, or a book club. It's that community spirit that brings about joy and light.
I think back and wonder that if I didn't change my initial thinking 3 years ago....where would I be now?? Makes me kind of sad to think back to how "in my head" I was. I prefer to be more "out there" now. Maybe the transparency and the accountability I put on myself here at Spark was the key to figuring out that part of my head that was so messed up in regard to weight/happiness/depression/self-love/self
-loathing that I had going on.
Part of the success of that night wasn't about me doing everything either....it was a group effort that made it so great. I came home and shot an email off to my den right away. They had to know that people thought it was awesome, and that they were the ones that made it so awesome and that I was so proud of the boys and of them for being such great parents and volunteers. Another thing I learned was to ask for help...that is a key thing for a control freak to learn. Most times, if you ask for help...you shall receive help. If you don't believe me, try it - you will be SO astonished at the response you get.....but I digress....
There is a phrase "It takes a village to raise a child."
You can definitely use that in this case.
You can definitely use that for Spark.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Hey all. nice title huh?
I came up with that one while I was hurling my guts out on Saturday night.
Seems that I ate something that did not agree with me during antipasto/dinner (blaming the bleu cheese since I was the only one who ate the most of it)....and within 3 hours, my stomach was making all sorts of weird noises, and I felt nauseated to the max...we got home and I literally waved to the kids at bedtime and I stayed near the bathroom for the duration.
Not a pretty picture...at. all.
What's amusing to me ist that that morning, I weighed in at 131 (I weigh everyday b/c of maintenance - keeps me on point)...........I weighed myself after the puke/diarrhea-fest.....127.5. So THAT's what I weigh when my body is completely void of water, food, stomach and intestinal contents! Loooooooovely huh?
Yeah, not stoked on that scale number OR the way I got to it...and slowly I am getting my appetite back...I gained a pound over night, so that was nice to see, it means that my body is righting itself slowly.
Last night, at 9:30, I was starving...I usually never eat at night that late, but there is always an exception, especially when the body is screaming for it. I had the best bowl of raisin bran I ever ate in my life! LoL
It's amazing what your body tells you if you just listen to it....it knows and it takes a long to time figure it out, but when you do, it really is amazing.
and really, how and why would anyone want to throw up on purpose??? it ravages the whole system. Totally not fun.
Friday, March 11, 2011
I don't really have anything to say today, besides the fact that in the world there are a lot of people who need prayers and that we, here today, should be counting our blessings.
So here is my horoscope, direct from its source:
"You are likely to feel a bit lonely and perhaps even isolated, Anne. Perhaps you think that no one else has the same wild thoughts running through their heads that you do. You'd be surprised to learn how many people actually do. It is unlikely, however, that you will share these thoughts with anyone - especially not at this time. Don't feel like you have to. Just know that you are not alone and that you have a tremendous network of people to support you at all times."
What was my first thought about when I read this?? Sparkpeople.
Monday, March 07, 2011
....it only lasts so long when one comes back to reality! LoL
Well...I can tell you this right off the bat....I was a WINNER!!!
No, I did not win any money at all...that is because I don't gamble at all (I like keeping my $ in my pocket....especially since I don't have much to burn).
I'm talking about another type of winning, of course!!
Go back in time...oh, about 15 years. That was the last time I went out to a club with my beautiful exotic looking girlfriend Ann. I was the 'wing-girl' and the 2 of us were hanging out with 5 or 6 guys regularly because we were all in the same field....we were a pack of sorts - 3 of the guys were 6 foot 4, so as you can imagine, there was no way in heck a guy in a bar could approach either of us! But, like I said, she was a the 'it' girl, and me....well, being the 'wing-girl', I was otherwise known as the friend with the great personality. I think she'd kill me for writing that, but let's face it, I'm a realist and it was what it was. I weighed 187 and while I loved to dance, I was not approached by anyone while on the dancefloor, not only because of my 6 foot 4 guy friends, but because all eyes were on the other Ann.
Meh...it's history, and I eventually started dating my husband and everyone got different jobs, so hanging out with the gang and going to clubs ceased quickly afterwards. That's just how life is...we grow & move on. My friend Ann & I lost touch but 6 years ago, we reconnected and it has been really nice having her around again!
Fast forward to now. I am a mom of 3...married for (oh geez) 12 years to that great guy who saw me for me...who let me grow into who I am today because he supports me and loves me. I truly cannot express how much he means to me. He is awesome. So when my girlfriend Ann's 40th birthday to Atlantic City came up - he was like "Go, have a good time, don't worry about a thing here....have fun!"
Let me just preface this next part, that for some reason, not everything in my world goes uber-smooth. With every bump twist and turn, however, it usually works out nicely. I guess it is part of acceptance of fate! Well...not only did we get lost going down there (a nice detour through Manhattan was lovely, thanks to too much talking and the sound on the Garmin navigator turned way down low)...but we were located 2 miles away from the major party at another hotel!
Now, I'm with 2 single (and physically active) women, so their timeframe is a LOT more relaxed than mine. Mine is regimented and scheduled because that is how life is with 3 kids. It was so freeing to just go with the flow...not only did I walk the Atlantic City Boardwalk in 2-inch heeled boots for 2 whole miles, I did it gladly! My cardio is in such tip-top shape it was a great pleasure to not huff & puff and slow them down - I even told them that.
We went to a buffet for dinner that night...I hate to say it, but I am NOT the buffet type, but it's your girl, so you go with the flow once again. I was the first one done after eating a salad and some fried chicken. Yup, I passed up all-you-can eat lobster and filet minon, a mile-long dessert island, the bisuits and gravy that went along with the fried chicken...you name it, it was there, and yup, I passed it all because knowing me....I'd have an upset stomach before we left the table. Not worth it...I was a woman on a mission Saturday night.....I wanted to dance!!!
After dinner, we went back to the room for some shots of some grass-vodka, which turned out to be an acquired taste...it was AWFUL! And then everyone went back to rooms to get ready for our 10pm rendezvous at the club.
It was SO fun getting all dolled up!! Simple enough, a black high-necked, sleeveless sheath dress for me with some black heeled boots was all I needed to be ready to go. Throw on a good necklace and some body glitter on the arms and whallah, a complete look! Out of respect for my husband I went for the more covered up look too - I think if he really had a say, I would probably have been completely covered! LoL Just joking, but seriously, I did consciously do that for him. Trust me, this little body hugging number was absolutely perfect for this night. I went with the "you don't have to show the goods" reasoning for the night. Sometimes, the less you see, the better :) I felt fierce!!!!! and tiny and thin and fit.....and SO the opposite of the last time I had went to a club!!!
The hotel where the club was was BEEEOOOOTIFUL!! OMG, just walking into this place with the buzz we had going on was terrific! Just picture a short, curly haired chick in black dress flanked by 2 tall women (one with curly long hair, the other with black sleek hair) with cool tops, jeans and heels. Not something you could miss, that is for sure! Our friend Ann was not there yet, so we went on line to get in.
Something was just SO odd about this waiting line. We were the only women on it! LoL I kid you not! We were like "Umm, where are all the women?" It was just too funny. and Yup, we were definitely checked out on that line. Just wrapping that thought around in my brain was perplexing. I have never been "checked out" according my past recollections...so this was just plain weird for me....weird and FuN! Don't worry, I didn't let it go to my head...LoL
It was on the earlier side because the club just opened, but by the time we got some drinks, went to the bathroom to check it out (because that is what girls do), scoped out the layout, checked out groups of guys for my single roommates, and got some more drinks...the club filled up in no time. Eventually my friend got there...and we got to dancing...YAAAAAAY dancing!
Maybe it's the "I don't give a dang about guys here because I'm happily married" vibe...or the confidence of feeling like I finally look good (I'm saying that not to be conceited, but to just be plain truthful)..or maybe the combo of both....but this time....THIS time...I, yes I, was the magnet on the dancefloor. I wasn't even intentionally trying...but somehow, it just happened. Everyone was like "what? Anne's got another guy attached to her?" It was like every single time I moved off of the dance floor and back on...another guy was dancing....with ME! Flattering, heck yeah...a little uncomfortable, yeah...but nothing that a few drinks couldn't fix! LOL Don't you worry...my girls had my back, and a little flash of the wedding band was all I needed to keep them at bay, which was just fine....but just the fact that I was dancing my little butt off and enjoying myself was perfect...absolutely perfect!! Those moments you have to tally up in life...and this was one of them for me.
We could have danced all night long...but by 2am, the birthday girl Ann was done, which left us 3 still on the dance floor. A little drunk 'miscommunication' had us out of there by 2:45 and giggling in our room my 3:15. I laugh about the 'miscommunication' because the next morning, we all said that we all would have stayed dancing, except we all thought that the other wanted to leave!! Too funny! In hidesight, we knew it was better that we left when we did....and the girls are thinking that maybe they should wear engagement rings to clubs from now on! LoL
Well...the happy ending ended with the exiting of the club. The next morning was the "oh geez, we have to get up and get ready to go home now" routine...and it was pouring rain, and the other girls I drove with wanted to shop in the outlets...in the rain. Did I mention that NOW I had an upset stomach?? Oh, yeah, all that effort NOT to have one the night before was in vain...but I'm not surprised at all...that is how things work with me...it's a cosmic balancing game the universe and I play at. AND the weather just got worse and worse during the drive home, and we got lost...again because of a wrong turn...and both things combined to add an extra full hour to the ride home. Oh well....
...it was AAAAALLLLLL good though....for those 5 magical hours of reclaiming the powers of confidence and attractiveness that were hiding for so long. It was SO cool. SO very cool.
I was greeted at the door by my loving family...and we jumped right back into the craziness of life right from the get-go.
I was a nice break...and a nice memory to keep...and now, I can check that off of my bucket list.
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