ANNIEONLI   49,180
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My glass box

Monday, April 04, 2011

When I was younger, although I was a happy enough kid, I really felt alone and a bit of a misfit, even though I had 4 other siblings. It's the God-honest truth...and it was part of me that made myself shy to the outside world and I think the comfort of food helped...and did not help. I didn't have a lot of close friends, but I had books and music and my family, and being smart helped me earn praise that I so desperately wanted...and needed.

So I lived in my little glass box. I pretended I had friends. I used my imagination to go places where I was pretty and popular and had hair that I could flip into a feather-style instead of the wavy curly mess that I struggled to just comb. I was teased for not having the right clothes, for not being in fashion, for being a geek...even for sitting on the bus with a kid noone else liked because he smelled bad and there you go - he was now my boyfriend. Yeah, kids are cruel.

All I ever wanted was to be liked.

To this day, I have that same tendency to feel the need to be liked. I try my hardest not to offend: to not say what is on my mind at the moment, because sometimes, saying things without thinking can get you in trouble....and most of the time, things pass and change and the thoughts that were on my mind really would not pertain to anything life-altering at all. Well, except when they are, but people usually figure things out without my help anyway.

Today I felt like I was back inside my little glass box.

It's about 12:18am and I cannot sleep.

I can look to the right of me and through my little glass box I see pictures of "friends" I had made through my children's classes via the lovely world of first all I see is the one as a hostess and her son at his Baptism...scrolling through the pictures, I see that the ladies I went to dinner with 3 months earlier are all at the Christening party with their kids....and another woman has birthday party pictures up, yet my son is not there...and the entire group went to a meet and greet for some band with all of their kids that were friends in Kindergarten together......and and my son are not there. What do I have to do to get in? I stink at playdates...I admit it! I told you that! I can't go out all the time either...just because I said 'no' once doesn't mean I don't want to be invited again!

And here I was, thinking that I was "in" a group that I would benefit friendships from and my son would grow friendships with....but yet, I feel stuck inside my glass box once again, just like when I was a little kid.

Sure, they like me, I am funny...and charming...and quick witted....but yet, I am not in their circle. I have tons of people who think that today....great. wonderful. fantastic. I'm so glad. But seriously, would you be there to catch me if I needed you on another level??? I would be there for you because that is how I am....but would you for me?

And then I turn to the left in my glass box. Do a 180 turn, literally and figuratively...and there you go. Do those people really know me? Do they want to? I think they'd like me if they gave me a chance....if they saw past my insecurities of feeling like an outsider when I am with them. Do I embarass them? Am I not cool enough for them?

That side of the box makes me feel like I am in middle school once again, sitting with the uncool girls in the cafeteria. I am chubby and make-up free and wearing leggings with a bad sweater with braces once again and terrified to change in the girls locker room because I felt like every criticizing eye is on me.

The glass box does have a back that I cannot see directly....yet I know it is there. When I TRY to see it, it quickly disappears...and yet it is still there, at my back. I can lean on this part of the box even thought I cannot see through it directly. This part has my back. It feels strong and safe. It's like everyone who has seen me is there...including my husband, my kids and my kindred friends and family.

In front of me is still a glass wall....and depending on the day, it is really thin and airy (these are good days - let's say 95% of the time)....or sometimes (the other 5%), it is reallly thick and cloudy. On the thick and cloudy days, the box can get smaller and smaller too, almost suffocating and it feels as if someone is pouring bad crud all over my head through a hole in the top of the box.

The bad crud is viscous and evil...thoughts of comforting through food is renewed and that ...terrifing. I revert back. The right side crushes in....the left side crushes in....the top of the box feels just horrible. The crud makes me doubt everything I thought right...makes me think that I am an unworthy and horrible person even thought I know that it is not true...makes the box flip over and over until every thought in my head is completely unhinged.

And then I cry.

What else can I do? I won't eat...I cannot talk to anyone because they are all asleep.

So I cry.

There is nothing to do except release this emotional valve on the glass box because if I don't, the glass box might just crush me.

And being crushed by an imaginary glass box would be just plane weird now, wouldn't it?

So a good cry and a laugh ends this blog.

Why did I come here and post this? Because I am here and I pride myself on being real here. Because not everything for everyone is sunshine and roses. Because someone...out there might be going though something just like it, but grabbed the bag of Doritos instead....which I have to confess, I did have some today with lunch...and more than my usualy portion...which scared the dickens out of me. Because I have come too far to let old habits and old crud wash over me and ruin everything I have worked so hard to successfully sort out in my head. Just because......

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZYWM 4/12/2011 2:52PM

    Great job blogging and dealing with this stuff Honey. It's so hard feeling like an outsider. And wanting better for our kids - it really hits home. When I'm feeling best about myself, I draw people in and build my own circle. When things aren't going so well, I shut people out more, and then I feel isolated.

You are building connections, through scouting and other activities. But we aren't one size fits all, interchangeable pods. Those people posting about their parties on FB? They're pod people. Insensitive, but with a need to broadcast their "in-ness". Clods. Clod pods. Too harsh? Sorry. Good people, who also happen to be pod clods. emoticon

A whole bunch of us are getting to know you here. And we really like you. You're great.


Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 2:53:11 PM

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FULLOFFAITH 4/6/2011 1:28AM

    Yep I know the feeling. I go to FB as little as possible I feel like if I have time to be on the computer let me Spark away. I was shy and always the outcast as well. never quiet fit in. Good for you on digging deep and recognizing your true feelings. You have worked way to hard to go back those old habits.

Thanks for the blog.


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SASSYSACY 4/5/2011 12:17PM

    Annie that's alot to digest, I admire you for that confession, for admitting your own weakness and what you feel is a flaw. You continue to inspire me with every blog you right and your unwavering commitment and dedication to this fight.

Keep your chin up and keep smiling. Your beautiful inside and out!

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REBECCATKD 4/4/2011 3:03PM

    Oh, Annie, your pain just sliced right through my heart. I've been there, too, seeing pics on Facebook and wondering how the invitation passed me by. (Sometimes I think FB is just another high school hallway, which is why I spend more time here on Sparkpeople.)

But, kiddo, you've got to see how often you leave that glass box behind. You're a den mother who spends hours making sure that these kids don't create glass boxes for themselves or others. You're a wife and mother who, frankly, your family would be lost without. And your honesty, charm, and quick-wittedness are what draws so many Sparkpeople to your blogs and page. We need you. We need your encouragement and your optimism and -- yes -- your honest acknowledgement that life isn't always sunshine and roses.

Thanks for your sharing your blog. And know that I am honored and proud to call you a real friend.

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OAKBORN 4/4/2011 11:19AM

    Wow. You just nailed it, as per usual.

I never called it the glass box, but it's always been the "veil" that seems to separate me from others. I was the geek, the plain girl, the dork, never as pretty, never as good as... too. Weight wasn't a problem until later, but those years of ridicule take their toll (some very painful memories that still chill me through).

What's bad is the veil sometimes separates me from my brothers, too. Not so much my parents, they always had my back. So I have always cherished my friends with whom I could just be me and not worry about having to censor what I said or did. They take the total package and just let it be.

So yeah, lots of pushy buttons that I grok in fullness.

Best to you always... somethings are easier to heal from than others.

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YAMINOKODOMO 4/4/2011 10:13AM

    I have to say you described exactly how I feel/am as well. I was always made fun of as well by the kids in my class because I didnt know how to tame my hair at the time so it was a big poofy mess and because I started breaking out at an early age. Kids are definitely cruel and can leave an everlasting self concious that you cant seem to get rid of. I dont care how many times I am told that I am beautiful, when I break out I just want to hide because I am afraid people are going to notice, when there is any little thing that I think is not right with me I feel like people are going to point and laugh. Kids dont realize how much of an impact they have on their fellow school mates and how it shapes them out to be when they grow up.

What I love about blogging, especially on spark, is that you can express exactly how you feel and not have to worry about being judged. Sometimes it just feels like you cant share these feelings with your loved ones because you have to keep this "I am strong" persona. Its hard, but here you can just let it all out and know that your spark friends are here to give you that virtual hug that you need.

You are strong person and I know that you are a great and fun person and hey maybe one weekend me you, and I am recruiting TASO! lol We can all go to AC and hang out because I know how it feels to not be able to go out with a group of people once and then because of that they assume you cant go at any other time!

Try and stay positive lady, but just know we are always here for you!

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ALANNAG30 4/4/2011 9:57AM

  Great Blog. You put into words how I felt as a child and still feel somedays too. I let out a big sigh of relief after I read it!! I feel somewehat normal knowing that I'm not the only one with similar feelings!!!

Thank you so much for writing this blog emoticon

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FIREFLY1967 4/4/2011 9:20AM

    Great Blog, and so feel the same way you do with people in my community.... There are probably alot more that feel the same way... and you know what, those ladies in that "inner circle"... they might have the same feelings as well. Dont let them or that situation get to you. The funny thing is, if they are always in the same group, they are the ones in the Glass Block,STUCK, as they see nothing past those walls. So they are truly the ones missing out on you and other fabulous people.

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DWEXCEL 4/4/2011 7:19AM

    OMG did that ever bring cold chills down my spine!

I don't think I've ever heard "it" described that way, but I think you just put your finger right on the heart of it.

I also, think that's why I've been stuck at my 150 pound mark, and even when I get below it, I come right back to it.

And I let myself have 2500 calories yesterday because of it. I've been trying to write myself notes in my nutrition log, to try to help figure it out.

My DH literally reamed me out, and wouldn't even listen to reality yesterday. He has a pair of glasses that look like they have little 7's or L's right into the lenses. The neighbors told him that it looked like a flaw in the anti-glare coating on them. And I agree, it does look like that. EXCEPT, he doesn't have anti-glare coating on them. He had it taken out of his old pair, and when he got these, he was quite adamant that he did not want it on these! I remember it just like it was yesterday. When I reminded him of that, he literally went through the roof. He screamed at me "how dare me call them a liar", and continually cut me off and told me to shut up. Then he went on to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Then he brought it up again this morning, but said he didn't want to hear anything from me about it.

I just don't know what to do. I try to explain or clarify, and he just won't hear it, it just gets worse. A least here, I can get it out of my system, but I did load up on the calories yesterday. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A nice compliment.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This past week was absolutely nuts - between work, family and cub scouting obligations, my head was spinning off of it's axis....and now I'm glad to be back here to check up on everyone once again!! Whew!

But wait....just when I think I can breathe again....WHAP! SMACK! Right in the kisser! It seems like more things keep popping up from out of the blue!! Sports has started up in our that is most of the craziness going on. To keep my day straight today, I even made a timeline! Every hour on the hour, I had to be somewhere to do something for someone. I am exhausted....and it's only Tuesday! emoticon emoticon

So anyway...I got a few nice compliments from out of the blue that I wanted to share. They came out of nowhere...and had absolutely NOTHING to do with how I look now (a nice thing) but rather on how and what I have done...on things that I really care about but really don't consider all that's just part of what I do in the day to day nuttiness that is my world.

The first came on Friday night. I am the Den leader to the 8-9 year old group of CubScouts known as the Bears. It was our den's turn to host the night for the 50 families involved in our Pack (the entire group as a whole)...and so I gathered my brain, reorganized the format into what the Boy scouts of America deems as the "proper format" and used that as my guide. Hey if it has worked for 100 years, why am I going to reinvent the wheel, right?? So I nixed any craft and figured the kids could learn First Aid....age appropriate first aid to boot...and from there, it was full steam ahead! I came up with a program, tweaked it with the help of my assistant/husband and my den parents and we were pretty good to go.

On the night, we rehearsed somewhat (why can't kids listen intently...really? my one pet peeve) and then everyone arrived. 4 things I personally wanted to accomplish: start on time, teach them something, have fun, and end on time. HAPPENED!!!! Everything always has a snafu to work through (and there were, but minor), but all in all - it went GREAT!!!! Couldn't have done it without a team effort from my parents (who have such faith in me it is scary!), but seriously, it was awesome!!!! All of the prepwork and format changes were spot on....I was in shock.

So this one veteran dad to our organization was leaving and seriously says to me "Wonderful. Thank you so much. That was the best pack night I have ever been to. Thank you. I don't know what this pack would be without you here." I think my jaw hit the floor in astonishment. All I could do was stammer "Wow, thank you." a few times.

The other thing that floored me was that everyone, for the first time, helped clean up the room and most of the pack LEFT the building by 9:15!!!! Usually, we are left cleaning up until about 9:45 or later! My CubMaster (the Boss) had her coat on, and gave me this huge hug "I can't believe we are leaving on TIME! and I talked to PARENTS one on one tonight! I never get to do that!" It was a bloody miracle night in my book! LOL

It really was an awesome night.

I started CubScouts with my 1st grader - 3 years was also the time when I started Spark. I was literally scared to death that first year to speak in front of a group. Now....guess what? Complete 180 - you cannot shut me up and I'm looking at being the head CubMaster in 2 years once my eldest graduates and my other 2 are in it for the next few years. Would I be so into it now if I didn't lose this weight? I don't know. I gained confidence in myself, and that alone was has been priceless.

When I started scouting, I was not that into it either - it was more of a pain in the butt with all of the prep-work and trying to figure out the ropes on my own. This year, I mentored a first year leader and she said that if I didn't explain it the way I did, she would have bailed the first month in. It's all how you look at things, that is all. Hindsight is also 20/20.....using that knowledge I gleamed from my own disaster first year has been priceless as well.

This year, I figured everyone needs an organization to belong to. Something that does some good for others is even better. For me it's Scouting. For others, it could be a religious organization, or a politial group...or a running club, or a book club. It's that community spirit that brings about joy and light.

I think back and wonder that if I didn't change my initial thinking 3 years ago....where would I be now?? Makes me kind of sad to think back to how "in my head" I was. I prefer to be more "out there" now. Maybe the transparency and the accountability I put on myself here at Spark was the key to figuring out that part of my head that was so messed up in regard to weight/happiness/depression/self-love/self
-loathing that I had going on.

Part of the success of that night wasn't about me doing everything was a group effort that made it so great. I came home and shot an email off to my den right away. They had to know that people thought it was awesome, and that they were the ones that made it so awesome and that I was so proud of the boys and of them for being such great parents and volunteers. Another thing I learned was to ask for help...that is a key thing for a control freak to learn. Most times, if you ask for shall receive help. If you don't believe me, try it - you will be SO astonished at the response you get.....but I digress....

There is a phrase "It takes a village to raise a child."

You can definitely use that in this case.

You can definitely use that for Spark.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YAMINOKODOMO 3/31/2011 2:27PM

    Good going! You are definitely a hard worker and you deserve all the acknowledgement in the world! And let me tell you getting compliments out of the blue like that are the best compliments in the world!

Keep doing your thang! I know you and den must have been so proud! Your gonna make the other dens jealous! lol

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DWEXCEL 3/31/2011 8:19AM

    You are truly a wonderful person! I feel like I really know you, even though we've never met. What amazing things you have done, and will continue to do. You are the Best!

And you have such a knack for making others feel great!

Luv ya!
Donna emoticon

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SUCHAHOOT 3/29/2011 11:05PM

    Yeah, OK, leave it to me for the cornball response, but I have tears in my eyes! I remember those first meetings and the dread! I am so proud of you! What a huge thing to pull of so smoothly. Scouts, sports, school, are rocking it, Girlie!!

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AMJSATURN 3/29/2011 6:41PM


You have made your way in this world with all of your brains and talent.

Kudos to you.

Looks like your family is supportive also. I agree everyone should find something positive to be involved with.

They are very very fortunate to have you.

Bravo for a night done well.

emoticon emoticon

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STIPER23 3/29/2011 6:39PM

    What an awesome job! The compliments must have felt so good!

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ANITA_NM 3/29/2011 6:11PM

    Awesome! It sounds like you did a fantastic job! And it sounds like you have a great group of families involved in the cub scout pack; glad to see that they appreciated all your hard work!

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MISSCHARLEE 3/29/2011 6:03PM

    Wow! Please pass that big ol' bowl of ENERGY my way!

Congratulations on a job very well done!

Smiles! emoticon

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LOOKINFIT1 3/29/2011 6:02PM

    You are doing a fabulous job! It is certainly nice when our efforts don't go unnoticed-even when we aren't looking for recognition.

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How do bulimics do it?

Monday, March 21, 2011

Hey all. nice title huh?

I came up with that one while I was hurling my guts out on Saturday night.

Seems that I ate something that did not agree with me during antipasto/dinner (blaming the bleu cheese since I was the only one who ate the most of it)....and within 3 hours, my stomach was making all sorts of weird noises, and I felt nauseated to the max...we got home and I literally waved to the kids at bedtime and I stayed near the bathroom for the duration.

Not a pretty all.

What's amusing to me ist that that morning, I weighed in at 131 (I weigh everyday b/c of maintenance - keeps me on point)...........I weighed myself after the puke/diarrhea-fest.....127.5. So THAT's what I weigh when my body is completely void of water, food, stomach and intestinal contents! Loooooooovely huh?

Yeah, not stoked on that scale number OR the way I got to it...and slowly I am getting my appetite back...I gained a pound over night, so that was nice to see, it means that my body is righting itself slowly.

Last night, at 9:30, I was starving...I usually never eat at night that late, but there is always an exception, especially when the body is screaming for it. I had the best bowl of raisin bran I ever ate in my life! LoL

It's amazing what your body tells you if you just listen to knows and it takes a long to time figure it out, but when you do, it really is amazing.

and really, how and why would anyone want to throw up on purpose??? it ravages the whole system. Totally not fun.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GONNABEFIT27 3/29/2011 10:48AM

    Glad your feeling better! I hate hate hate throwing up and the way you feel after...

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SUZYWM 3/22/2011 10:21PM

    Hate being sick, and really hate throwing up! Bet your abs were sore! :(

Hope you're feeling much better, and that you're having a great week. We're still making the slow adjustment to the time change and we're just a little bit grumpy. Nothing a good night's sleep won't fix!

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    Oh that sucks! I truly hate being sick, I can almost dela with any other sickness but THAT. I had always wondered how much of loss it would be when completely empty but I've never wanted to find out :)
I've actually done the bullemic thing before when I was in high school and I could not stick with it (Thank GOD) It was the cool thing to do back then and thankfully I gave up and just kept eating as if I were still throwing it up. I thought it could be my secret but I eventaully felt like I had failed at yet another thing. For the short while I did it though it was the worst I had ever felt. I look back at these things now and wonder what was I thinking and truthfully I wasnt thinking I just knew I didnt want to be big anymore. Where was this site when I was young but at the same time if I had stumbled on it then I probably would NOT have appreciated it as much as I do now!!

I'm glad your feeling better!

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YAMINOKODOMO 3/21/2011 9:00PM

    I saw the title and I actually laughed out loud LOL I was like "oh ann.. you so silly!"

But seriously I am sorry you got sick like that! That really sucks and thankfully *knocks on wood* I have never had a bad reaction to food like that. I hope you are feeling much better!

And I totally get you, when I do throw up, normally that only happens if I drank a leeeettle too much.. heh... but I am at the toilet practically crying because I HATE throwing up! Its the worst feeling in the world and I have thought that too myself every once in a while when I am laying down on the tiled bathroom floor because its cold and it feels good, like why in the HELL would anyone do this on purpose! This is horrible!

lol But like I said I hope you feel better today and I am glad your appetite is coming back!

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FULLOFFAITH 3/21/2011 1:35PM

    I Am glad to here you are feeling better.That is never any fun.

Don't know if I have ever had food poisoning (Where is some wood to knock on) emoticon


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OAKBORN 3/21/2011 1:20PM

    Oh honey, I am so sorry you were sick! GI is the worst!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Glad you are feeling better! (You have my every empathy!)

It's amazing how much weight you can lose when your sluices are open at both ends... and how UNFUN that is! Why anyone would choose that sort of self torture is beyond me too!

Stay better and well!

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ANNIEONLI 3/21/2011 12:50PM

    Feeling much much better! THANK YOU! More and more as the day goes on! Too much stuff to do this week to be held down by the ick! Yesterday was the day-o-rest and sleep....any sleep debt I had is gone now!

Comment edited on: 3/21/2011 12:51:12 PM

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TASOGAREBAN 3/21/2011 10:52AM

    FOR REAL! I can't stand throwing up. Like if I drink too much, after a bit I realize that I've had too much. I just suddenly sober up for a minute and zero in on the fact that it was too much and my plan of action after that is to go the nearest bathroom before I go to bed and just stick a finger down my throat to bring it up and out. And I CRY when I throw up. Like heaving sobs, lol! It's funny talking about it but not when it's happening. I think the last day I felt like that was Christmas Eve. So not bad with the drinking lately, huh??

Also, that seems to be how I lose weight too. I was hitting plateaus, hit two of them. And the last one brought my weight from a 131 down to a 128 where it stayed from there until cardio brought me down to my goal. So now I know that whenever I need to break a plateau, get sick! LOL!

How are you feeling today??

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Today's horoscope

Friday, March 11, 2011

I don't really have anything to say today, besides the fact that in the world there are a lot of people who need prayers and that we, here today, should be counting our blessings.

So here is my horoscope, direct from its source:

"You are likely to feel a bit lonely and perhaps even isolated, Anne. Perhaps you think that no one else has the same wild thoughts running through their heads that you do. You'd be surprised to learn how many people actually do. It is unlikely, however, that you will share these thoughts with anyone - especially not at this time. Don't feel like you have to. Just know that you are not alone and that you have a tremendous network of people to support you at all times."

What was my first thought about when I read this?? Sparkpeople.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANITA_NM 3/15/2011 3:40PM

    LOL, that does make me think of SP. :)

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YAMINOKODOMO 3/12/2011 11:11AM

    Great horoscope! And yea that would be my first thought too lol

Yes lots of praayers need to be sent out.

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SUCHAHOOT 3/11/2011 10:32PM

    Ha! That is spot on, isn't it? It sounds like a comment a SparkFriend would leave on a blog or your page! That is so cool!

I hope you are having a terrific weekend.

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Atlantic City afterglow...

Monday, March 07, 2011 only lasts so long when one comes back to reality! LoL

Well...I can tell you this right off the bat....I was a WINNER!!!

No, I did not win any money at all...that is because I don't gamble at all (I like keeping my $ in my pocket....especially since I don't have much to burn).

I'm talking about another type of winning, of course!!

Go back in time...oh, about 15 years. That was the last time I went out to a club with my beautiful exotic looking girlfriend Ann. I was the 'wing-girl' and the 2 of us were hanging out with 5 or 6 guys regularly because we were all in the same field....we were a pack of sorts - 3 of the guys were 6 foot 4, so as you can imagine, there was no way in heck a guy in a bar could approach either of us! But, like I said, she was a the 'it' girl, and me....well, being the 'wing-girl', I was otherwise known as the friend with the great personality. I think she'd kill me for writing that, but let's face it, I'm a realist and it was what it was. I weighed 187 and while I loved to dance, I was not approached by anyone while on the dancefloor, not only because of my 6 foot 4 guy friends, but because all eyes were on the other Ann.'s history, and I eventually started dating my husband and everyone got different jobs, so hanging out with the gang and going to clubs ceased quickly afterwards. That's just how life is...we grow & move on. My friend Ann & I lost touch but 6 years ago, we reconnected and it has been really nice having her around again!

Fast forward to now. I am a mom of 3...married for (oh geez) 12 years to that great guy who saw me for me...who let me grow into who I am today because he supports me and loves me. I truly cannot express how much he means to me. He is awesome. So when my girlfriend Ann's 40th birthday to Atlantic City came up - he was like "Go, have a good time, don't worry about a thing here....have fun!"

So...I did.

Let me just preface this next part, that for some reason, not everything in my world goes uber-smooth. With every bump twist and turn, however, it usually works out nicely. I guess it is part of acceptance of fate! Well...not only did we get lost going down there (a nice detour through Manhattan was lovely, thanks to too much talking and the sound on the Garmin navigator turned way down low)...but we were located 2 miles away from the major party at another hotel!

Now, I'm with 2 single (and physically active) women, so their timeframe is a LOT more relaxed than mine. Mine is regimented and scheduled because that is how life is with 3 kids. It was so freeing to just go with the flow...not only did I walk the Atlantic City Boardwalk in 2-inch heeled boots for 2 whole miles, I did it gladly! My cardio is in such tip-top shape it was a great pleasure to not huff & puff and slow them down - I even told them that.

We went to a buffet for dinner that night...I hate to say it, but I am NOT the buffet type, but it's your girl, so you go with the flow once again. I was the first one done after eating a salad and some fried chicken. Yup, I passed up all-you-can eat lobster and filet minon, a mile-long dessert island, the bisuits and gravy that went along with the fried name it, it was there, and yup, I passed it all because knowing me....I'd have an upset stomach before we left the table. Not worth it...I was a woman on a mission Saturday night.....I wanted to dance!!!

After dinner, we went back to the room for some shots of some grass-vodka, which turned out to be an acquired was AWFUL! And then everyone went back to rooms to get ready for our 10pm rendezvous at the club.

It was SO fun getting all dolled up!! Simple enough, a black high-necked, sleeveless sheath dress for me with some black heeled boots was all I needed to be ready to go. Throw on a good necklace and some body glitter on the arms and whallah, a complete look! Out of respect for my husband I went for the more covered up look too - I think if he really had a say, I would probably have been completely covered! LoL Just joking, but seriously, I did consciously do that for him. Trust me, this little body hugging number was absolutely perfect for this night. I went with the "you don't have to show the goods" reasoning for the night. Sometimes, the less you see, the better :) I felt fierce!!!!! and tiny and thin and fit.....and SO the opposite of the last time I had went to a club!!!

The hotel where the club was was BEEEOOOOTIFUL!! OMG, just walking into this place with the buzz we had going on was terrific! Just picture a short, curly haired chick in black dress flanked by 2 tall women (one with curly long hair, the other with black sleek hair) with cool tops, jeans and heels. Not something you could miss, that is for sure! Our friend Ann was not there yet, so we went on line to get in.

Something was just SO odd about this waiting line. We were the only women on it! LoL I kid you not! We were like "Umm, where are all the women?" It was just too funny. and Yup, we were definitely checked out on that line. Just wrapping that thought around in my brain was perplexing. I have never been "checked out" according my past this was just plain weird for me....weird and FuN! Don't worry, I didn't let it go to my head...LoL

It was on the earlier side because the club just opened, but by the time we got some drinks, went to the bathroom to check it out (because that is what girls do), scoped out the layout, checked out groups of guys for my single roommates, and got some more drinks...the club filled up in no time. Eventually my friend got there...and we got to dancing...YAAAAAAY dancing!

Maybe it's the "I don't give a dang about guys here because I'm happily married" vibe...or the confidence of feeling like I finally look good (I'm saying that not to be conceited, but to just be plain truthful)..or maybe the combo of both....but this time....THIS time...I, yes I, was the magnet on the dancefloor. I wasn't even intentionally trying...but somehow, it just happened. Everyone was like "what? Anne's got another guy attached to her?" It was like every single time I moved off of the dance floor and back on...another guy was dancing....with ME! Flattering, heck yeah...a little uncomfortable, yeah...but nothing that a few drinks couldn't fix! LOL Don't you girls had my back, and a little flash of the wedding band was all I needed to keep them at bay, which was just fine....but just the fact that I was dancing my little butt off and enjoying myself was perfect...absolutely perfect!! Those moments you have to tally up in life...and this was one of them for me.

We could have danced all night long...but by 2am, the birthday girl Ann was done, which left us 3 still on the dance floor. A little drunk 'miscommunication' had us out of there by 2:45 and giggling in our room my 3:15. I laugh about the 'miscommunication' because the next morning, we all said that we all would have stayed dancing, except we all thought that the other wanted to leave!! Too funny! In hidesight, we knew it was better that we left when we did....and the girls are thinking that maybe they should wear engagement rings to clubs from now on! LoL

Well...the happy ending ended with the exiting of the club. The next morning was the "oh geez, we have to get up and get ready to go home now" routine...and it was pouring rain, and the other girls I drove with wanted to shop in the the rain. Did I mention that NOW I had an upset stomach?? Oh, yeah, all that effort NOT to have one the night before was in vain...but I'm not surprised at all...that is how things work with's a cosmic balancing game the universe and I play at. AND the weather just got worse and worse during the drive home, and we got lost...again because of a wrong turn...and both things combined to add an extra full hour to the ride home. Oh well.... was AAAAALLLLLL good though....for those 5 magical hours of reclaiming the powers of confidence and attractiveness that were hiding for so long. It was SO cool. SO very cool.

I was greeted at the door by my loving family...and we jumped right back into the craziness of life right from the get-go.

I was a nice break...and a nice memory to keep...and now, I can check that off of my bucket list.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    you go girl! I bet you were a hottie in that little black number struttin it out on the dance floor :) I'd be wearing a grin from ear to ear emoticon I have those exact kind of friends and it would be nice not to be invisible around them but to actually stand out thats got to be super awesome! You've worked hard and now it's time to bask in the glory emoticon

emoticon Brandy

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YAMINOKODOMO 3/8/2011 4:54PM

    I didnt get a chance to read your whole blog because I have to get off desk in a few and I am sneaking this in lol But you are making me want to go to AC SO bad! I LOVE going to AC and I will admit I do play the slots lol My boyfriend and I have one that we always HAVE to go to when we are out there lol We just play for the bonus rounds, if we win we win but it feels like an arcade to me so I really dont care what happens!

I am SO happy that you had a grea time and you just went with the flow. Sometimes just going with the flow makes going out on a little trip A LOT more fun! And woohoo with the heals! I bet you looked hawt!
I will try to read some more of your blog later but I am so glad you had such a great time!

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OAKBORN 3/8/2011 8:03AM

    What a magickal experience! So proud of you and happy for you!


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ANNIEONLI 3/8/2011 6:48AM

    Thanks gals!! and I really really wanted to post pics (what I have, my camera is not great), but my computer drive is acting funny emoticon I was trying to fix it, but it was just not going anywhere, so before I forgot what I wanted to write, I just got to typing away! I have time this afternoon, maybe I'll add some pics then!

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SUZYWM 3/8/2011 12:52AM

    I'm so happy for you! The energy, the confidence, the ability to let go and have a blast with your girls! It sounds like you allowed yourself to claim your feminine power, Ms. Fierce! Huzzah!

You MUST do this again!

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FULLOFFAITH 3/7/2011 11:32PM

    I Love your stories. I felt like I was there with (I wish) Glad you had such a good time. wish you had taken pictures of you in you little black dress I bet you looked cute.


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BECKYAD 3/7/2011 11:19PM

    It sounds like you had an AMAZING time...Sooo glad you got to feel good about yourself...We sometime forget to take a step back and see who we really are or what we have become...Life is a crazy roller coaster at times but to be able to reflect on moments like this...Is priceless...Can't wait til I get where you are in your weightloss journey :)

You have done Awesome...Keep on truck'


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