ANNIEONLI   44,783
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Wedding week - no, not the royal one...MY family's!!!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

So my sister is getting married next Saturday!!!! So excited for her and her fiance! Consider this our "royal" wedding - she is the youngest and the last to get married...so this is a big one for so many reasons, not only for her, but for so many others as well! :)

This week is all the last minute prep stuff here at the house. It's the house we grew up in, so you can imagine that it is almost a person at this point! The old girl needed some sprucing, so I chucked 40 year old curtains and have chipped away paint and painted the foyer a new coat of white paint....added some privacy vinyl to the 80 year old windows too - and it looks beautiful!!!! Wish I had done it long ago now! LoL The dining room is picture ready...guest rooms are ready for my brother and his family. All that needs to be done is mopping the floors, redusting, decluttering and then we should be ready for the rehearsal dinner on Friday.

Hubby and I love to entertain....it's one of those things that we do best. We love the hustle and bustle. We love seeing people smile and laugh and enjoy themselves....we love that they feel at home in our home. It's what life is about for us. Over the years (12 years married ourselves coming up) we have even gotten to actually ENJOY parties at our house! Yes, for those of you who entertain and feel frazzled...it CAN be done! LoL

Well - we cannot wait to have everyone here for the rehearsal dinner and pre-wedding prep with all the bridesmaids. It's going to be a welcome crazy after waiting for so long!

I tried on my bridesmaid dress today. I HAD to. I was having anxiety that I gained 10 pounds over night since I really have not worked out for 2 weeks. Do spotty situps and pushup count? I don't know. Anyway, I don't know why, it's just one of my dips I guess. Great time to have a pattern dip right??? Meanwhile, my hubby has been working out every single morning for 3 months straight....he looks great - gained some much needed muscle onto his 138 pound frame (he WAS 220 just 2 February's ago, so this is happy news for everyone who loves him and thought he looked scrawny & sickly - he lost the weight through nutrition tracking, and now, this past 6 months, he's getting more fit.....athletic fit too.....he's amazing) but I digress....the dress. When I had the dress fit, I was in an exercise high pattern....so you can imagine this anxiety of it not fitting properly now.

Thank goodness it fit just fine!

Crazy how mental we get with all this stuff, right???

Well, this is theVERY FIRST wedding that I am NOT wearing some undergarment of some sort to suck something in or smooth something out!! This is HUGE!!! In fact, my hairdresser & I had a good laugh about pantylines.....she just said "forget that - go commando - who's gonna know?" emoticon And go ahead and laugh, because I actually thought "yeah, maybe...." emoticon I don't think I will, but still, it's a funny thought....going from all blown-out corsetry to absolutely nothing at all!!! Talk about a complete 180!!!

I'm planning on pics in the next blog - I have this awesome pic from my brother's wedding in 1997 with me and my then-boyfriend/now-hubby. Let's just say that we look a little different from today. I want to get the same stance shot to do a split picture. I've never done one of those - kinda excited to do one...especially with hubby getting all buff now! Might even "come out of the fat closet" on FB - most of the people there just have seen the last 2 years of me & my family in pics. The highschool ones up and some random wedding ones of friends DO tell my story only a little bit, but this story here is NOT as pronounced over there yet. Does that make sense?

Well - that is what is going on in my world this week. So if I happen to disappear entirely - you know why!!! I don't think I will until Friday morning....that is when things will be more hectic/fun.

Have a great weekend everyone!!!
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PS - I'm wearing my trophy pants! They didn't shrink because I hung them up to dry...holy stiff legs Batman!! LoL

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PEGGY-BEE 5/18/2011 11:20AM

    Waiting on pictures here!

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SUGARSMOM2 5/6/2011 1:59PM

  wait . you said it was not the royal wedding . I beg to differ with you honey . YOU and your sister are little processes and i am sure daddy the king w0uld agree . His daughters are like royalty to him . you have done a great job . keep up the good work . yes put pictures on your site . looking forward to them . the palace sounds so pretty . must have been a good childhood .

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SUZYWM 4/30/2011 11:50PM

    You're awesome Babe!! Do the split screen pic, celebrate how great you and hubby look as well as how great you feel! I'm constantly motivated by your success, your ability to keep going, getting back on track after you go through a thing, and by your amazing attitude.

Keep the whole picture in mind. You're not just a weight loss success story, you're a great mom, cub scout leader, wife, worker, student . . . and you're kind and generous to others, like on Spark People.

Have fun with the wedding. Your family is clearly a blessing. Happy Spring Honey!

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OAKBORN 4/30/2011 2:03PM

    Have a blast, dear friend!! It sounds like you are ready!

You should do a split pic for yourself, if no one else, it really puts all your hard work in perspective! I am so glad that I did one for myself.

You are fantastically t'riffic!

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LOOKINFIT1 4/30/2011 11:30AM

    Sounds like a fantastic week is in store for you! Have fun!

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HEALTH4LYFE 4/30/2011 11:03AM

    emoticon Excited to see the pics! Hope you have a great time and the weather is beautiful for your sister and her new hubby to be! emoticon

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MRE1956 4/30/2011 10:27AM

    Have a great time!

emoticon that your "smoothing" situation is improving!

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SUPERMAMA82 4/30/2011 9:51AM

    YAY, ANNIE!! I am glad the dress fit, and I can't wait to see your side-by-side pics. HAVE A GREAT WEEK WITH YOUR FAMILY!

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wine and a pair of size 4 pants

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

wine

yupper..my buddy wine.

When I was heavy, I had reactions to it. No kidding! I would get hives, so basically I stayed away from it because I thought I was "allergic".....in reality, it is an intolerance, but you get my drift. This one time, at Thanksgiving, my FIL have me a glass and I turned beet red and started itching...yeah, you would stay away from it too after that right?

So anyway....I have this BIL who is a wine expert. Really, I kid you not. He used to buy and sell for restaurants. So anyway, we figured it out that maybe it was the sulfites or something, and that I should drink more natural wines, and I tried a Spanish red and that was it....I was now a wine drinker. No hives, no reaction...but I was also considerably thinner too. Anyway, I can totally blame him for my new addiction. emoticon

So back to the lack of reaction thingy. I was now considerably thinner than when I got the whole hive thing....if you think about it, all that water I drink has now made my body cells work more efficiently...so naturally, it is not so hard to grasp that things in your body change for the better. Look at all the people who kick medications right?

But wine...I actually craved some wine this crazy week. There was none in the house...at all. But for some reason, I really needed a glass of wine. Maybe it's psychological and a way to deal with stress, but really, all I could think of was my Glacier's End white wine. I finally got a bottle yesterday and it was just what the doctor ordered.

I have no idea why,...it was just so darned good...and a treat like that is a nice thing to look forward to at the end of a looooooooong looooooooong day. (don't worry, I don't have a problem....i'm really very anal retentive when it comes to stuff like that) What is amusing to me is that now you can keep that cake and brownie....give me a nice glass of wine that I really like and I am good to go.

So here come the pants part of this blog...I bought a size 4 pants the other day. Well, if you can count Old Navy size 4's as real Size 4's...don't they tend to run large? well, 15 years ago, when I shopped there a lot, pants ran large...so that is where I am coming from.

These pants, however, have stayed in the bag....with the receipt.....for a week. I bought them, the button, they fit....yet mentally....I was just not ready. This really is unknown territory. Just the number alone. Forget that every size 6 is falling off of me and that I constantly have to hike things back up to my waist to prevent saggy butt. Mentally, I have been staring at this pair of pants in big denial. I can handle the 'Small' size on other pants, because smalls are usually a 4-6 range...but a 4? really? on a pair of pants I actually own?? yeah, sure whatever...

yup...they stayed in the bag with the receipt a few more days longer.

I tried them on again 2 days ago....and put them right back in the bag.

What is wrong with me? You'd think I'd be DANCING around the room right??? Other people would - I know that for sure...why am I not?!? what is holding me back?!? I did the 8's - the 6's with no problem....but this is completely different and I don't know why.

One pair of pants that really truly fit is what I was staring at and it scared me to death.

Is this maintainable??? really and truly maintainable???

I can answer this truthfully that I have been hanging around this weight/form for a while and hiking up those 6's for a while as well....so I guess....it is maintainable.

But still...there was something holding me back.

Today.....I put those pants back on.

I looked at them, the wee bit of uber self-critical 'muffin top' is there, but seriously, they are not falling down or baggy in the butt, so that alone is a big win compared to other pants I own.

I ripped the long sticker tag running down the leg off.

I ripped the fancy waistband tag off of the top edge.

I ripped the price tag off.

These pants were now mine.

No turning back now.

I wore those pants today like a woman who knows that she is wearing sexy red lingerie underneath her clothes.

It was like my own little powerful secret...and all because of this silly number on a tag? well, maybe. It is a number that I had never thought possible that I'd ever see in my lifetime. A number that I was not striving to achieve yet came across my path regardless.

I toasted my pants with a glass of wine tonight. If it was just this one day...it was nice to wear those pants and commemorate them as part of my journey.

If I don't wear them again, at least I can say I did, right?

Now you see there...that kind of thinking is what will get me in trouble. How about this....I hope I don't shrink them in the wash so I can wear them again. Speaking of which - I'd better handle the delicate wash from now on...don't want to ruin my 'trophy pants'.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KANSASCHICA 4/27/2011 9:28AM

    Hey!! I just came across your page and wow!! A size 16 to a size 4?? That is amazing!!! I don't think it's gross to not wash them!! Stick some dryer sheets in the pockets, and stick with white wine in case you dribble, and your good to go!! LOL Congrats and thanks for sharing!!

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FULLOFFAITH 4/16/2011 11:00PM

    You are super funny!!!! But I know how you feel. I have been a 18 for so long and now in a baggy size 16. I can't make my self put on those 14 not just yet but when I do I will kick back as you did and savor every moment.

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Lisa

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YAMINOKODOMO 4/15/2011 11:41AM

    I am SUCH a wine person so I know exactly what you mean when you say you need a glass of wine and it is just PERFECT after a long stressful day!

I am REALLY happy for you about the paints! It really is a mental thing, like your afraid that its too good to be true, but you wore it! You finally took those suckers slipped them on and I LOVE the way you described it as walking around like you know you have sexy red lingerie on! lol Thats EXACTLY how it feels when you put on a piece of clothing that you never thought you would ever fit into!

Good for you!! You rock those jeans! emoticon

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SUZYWM 4/14/2011 10:05PM

    Girl - you OWN those 4's! You did it, you earned it, you're fabulous! You were fabulous as a 6 too! If you want to avoid shrinking, just wash them and hang dry, like magic! But you're going to be fine. Start thinking of yourself as the skinny winner you are. You've changed. Forever more.

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Comment edited on: 4/14/2011 10:05:49 PM

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ANNIEONLI 4/14/2011 5:48PM

    You all crack me up!!!

I'm sipping my favorite wine yet again reading this too, just so's ya know.

I have to answer Rebecca here...and I guess everyone as well. I have never, in my life, been a 4...or a 6...or an 8...or a 10 for that matter. I averaged around 12 or 14 or 16 my whole entire life. Figure 12s in high school just for cronological reasons. or a Large or an XL if you please.

So know you have more insight as to why I wigged out on these pants!

Would it be gross if I never washed them?? so they don't shrink?

Does denim bronze well?

Comment edited on: 4/14/2011 6:03:59 PM

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TASOGAREBAN 4/14/2011 10:41AM

    ROF...LMAO.

"Like a woman who knows that she is wearing sexy red lingerie underneath her clothes." BRILLIANT. That right there had me grinning madly.

I think you should be thrilled. More than thrilled. ECSTATIC. I know I would be. I'm still striving to fit into 4s! I'm between a 5/6 and a 7/8 (from Aero. I don't know other brand sizes) but I have a 3/4 waiting at home which don't fit me well at all. I definitely have a muffin top with those. So those are my goal jeans. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will never be a size 0, not with these crazy-@$$ hips. But 4s? Heck yeah, pour me a glass of wine too! :)

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DWEXCEL 4/14/2011 7:13AM

    I think of new pic of you in those trophy pants would be in order....and be a great trophy!

You are awesome and I am so proud of you!

Luv ya!
Donna emoticon emoticon

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ANITA_NM 4/13/2011 10:20PM

    I suggest you do the following: put on your size 4 pants, pour yourself a wine, and dance like crazy! Be proud of the fact that you are now able to ROCK A SIZE 4!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!

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REBECCATKD 4/13/2011 10:18PM

    Trophy pants! Congratulations! And yes, you can maintain. A 4, a 6, depending on the designer, you will maintain it. I know you will.

By the way, when was the last time you wore a 4? :)

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OAKBORN 4/13/2011 8:17PM

    Hearing you loud and clear as per usual! What strange mental games we play with ourselves! I still worry every day about regaining... sigh.

We are here for each other buddy!

And we are both 10%-ers! (As I am daily reminded by something that hangs around my neck all the time!)

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And the sun shines again!

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

So glad that the sun is out today!!!!!!!!

It feels like that this particular winter has been waaay to long and it's trying to still hang on by depressing everyone - including children!!!! My kids and their friends have been SO bummed about Mon and Tues this week being wash-outs. If you could have only seen their faces this morning when they saw the SUN!!!!!

They were already talking about recess by the time they hit the bus!

So happy for them!

And I am happy for me too....the glass box I wrote about before is back to it's usual largest, open transparent nature and I can finally BREATHE like myself once again!!!!

That bit of a funk took DAYS to get out of my system..but it finally did! Whew!

Thanks to everyone who read and commented because it really does mean a lot to just "be heard" sometimes. And I gleamed some insight from everyone's comments...thank you for that as well!

I think that the funk was lifted a bit more today when I went to Old Navy to buy some new pants. We went to Kohl's the other day with the boys in tow to get them new shirts for spring and Easter....and my hubby got a shirt or two...but I got....A candle. Needed? No, but there is this easter bunny candle holder that has been empty for 10 years and it finally peeved me enough to buy something for it. Shopping for myself with the family in tow is NOT an ideal situation - the kids were already whining to go....so I didn't try on anything at all for myself. A typical behavior from the past, but I will admit, I just wanted some new jeans & all the had were capri's and I didn't want to settle.

I'm not the hugest Old Navy fan anymore - I was 14 years ago, but now, not so much. In fact I hate the jeans I am putting in the bin....but I DID go buy the next smaller size....go figure. When they FIT, they are fine, but baggy, they are just not attractive. Meh...anyway,...I got some cute cargo's too - light and airy and perfect for spring...and on SALE! I love a sale.

So tonight - 2 stand-by pair of pants are hitting the give-away section of my closet...and that is how it should be. I don't hold on to things like that anymore.

Wow....that last line is a kicker. I think I won't hold on to ANYTHING that doesn't make me happy anymore. After all....it's just baggage, and really....who needs to lug all that crap around?!?

Have an awesome day Sparkfriends!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZYWM 4/13/2011 12:45AM

    Always so glad to hear the storm has passed! But you're great about feeling it, acknowledging it, sharing it - all so important. Way to go on the smaller pants! emoticon

Hope the rest of your week is fabulous!
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AMJSATURN 4/8/2011 7:36PM

    OMG... smaller pants Awesome !!!

I still feel the compulsion to keep the pants as I get smaller.
Although I have no room for them. go figure I am a hoarder... help me!!!

Enjoy the weekend Annie.



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YAMINOKODOMO 4/6/2011 5:29PM

    I LOVE cargo pants! I actually got a pair from old navy too, and on sale as well! And I love them. They definitely are great for this kind of weather!

I am sorry to break the HORRIBLE news to you and your kids but... I saw that its going to rain tomorrow... lol it sucks! I want warm weather all week not just one or two days darnit!

Yes toss out that extra baggage! You dont need it anymore emoticon

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FULLOFFAITH 4/6/2011 4:21PM

    emoticon Sounds like I went shopping with my family emoticon always for them never for me OK for now because I am going no where near the jeans until I get a little further into this journey.

Glad to hear you are feeling better. Go away Glass Box!!! emoticon

Lisa

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REBECCATKD 4/6/2011 2:37PM

    Sunshine and shopping...ah, happiness.

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TASOGAREBAN 4/6/2011 2:36PM

    OMG! I have been looking for cargo pants! Are those the ones that tie up or the linen type? I was all over the ON website over the weekend and when I went to go put the cargo pants I wanted and the size, it let me but while I was shopping they were suddenly unavailable! I was like, "SCREW THIS!" LOL! I have since given up but may try again another day when my patience makes its return.

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My glass box

Monday, April 04, 2011

When I was younger, although I was a happy enough kid, I really felt alone and a bit of a misfit, even though I had 4 other siblings. It's the God-honest truth...and it was part of me that made myself shy to the outside world and I think the comfort of food helped...and did not help. I didn't have a lot of close friends, but I had books and music and my family, and being smart helped me earn praise that I so desperately wanted...and needed.

So I lived in my little glass box. I pretended I had friends. I used my imagination to go places where I was pretty and popular and had hair that I could flip into a feather-style instead of the wavy curly mess that I struggled to just comb. I was teased for not having the right clothes, for not being in fashion, for being a geek...even for sitting on the bus with a kid noone else liked because he smelled bad and there you go - he was now my boyfriend. Yeah, kids are cruel.

All I ever wanted was to be liked.

To this day, I have that same tendency to feel the need to be liked. I try my hardest not to offend: to not say what is on my mind at the moment, because sometimes, saying things without thinking can get you in trouble....and most of the time, things pass and change and the thoughts that were on my mind really would not pertain to anything life-altering at all. Well, except when they are, but people usually figure things out without my help anyway.

Today I felt like I was back inside my little glass box.

It's about 12:18am and I cannot sleep.

I can look to the right of me and through my little glass box I see pictures of "friends" I had made through my children's classes via the lovely world of Facebook...at first all I see is the one as a hostess and her son at his Baptism...scrolling through the pictures, I see that the ladies I went to dinner with 3 months earlier are all at the Christening party with their kids....and another woman has birthday party pictures up, yet my son is not there...and the entire group went to a meet and greet for some band with all of their kids that were friends in Kindergarten together......and yet......me and my son are not there. What do I have to do to get in? I stink at playdates...I admit it! I told you that! I can't go out all the time either...just because I said 'no' once doesn't mean I don't want to be invited again!

And here I was, thinking that I was "in" a group that I would benefit friendships from and my son would grow friendships with....but yet, I feel stuck inside my glass box once again, just like when I was a little kid.

Sure, they like me, I am funny...and charming...and quick witted....but yet, I am not in their circle. I have tons of people who think that today....great. wonderful. fantastic. I'm so glad. But seriously, would you be there to catch me if I needed you on another level??? I would be there for you because that is how I am....but would you for me?

And then I turn to the left in my glass box. Do a 180 turn, literally and figuratively...and there you go. Do those people really know me? Do they want to? I think they'd like me if they gave me a chance....if they saw past my insecurities of feeling like an outsider when I am with them. Do I embarass them? Am I not cool enough for them?

That side of the box makes me feel like I am in middle school once again, sitting with the uncool girls in the cafeteria. I am chubby and make-up free and wearing leggings with a bad sweater with braces once again and terrified to change in the girls locker room because I felt like every criticizing eye is on me.

The glass box does have a back that I cannot see directly....yet I know it is there. When I TRY to see it, it quickly disappears...and yet it is still there, at my back. I can lean on this part of the box even thought I cannot see through it directly. This part has my back. It feels strong and safe. It's like everyone who has seen me is there...including my husband, my kids and my kindred friends and family.

In front of me is still a glass wall....and depending on the day, it is really thin and airy (these are good days - let's say 95% of the time)....or sometimes (the other 5%), it is reallly thick and cloudy. On the thick and cloudy days, the box can get smaller and smaller too, almost suffocating and it feels as if someone is pouring bad crud all over my head through a hole in the top of the box.

The bad crud is viscous and evil...thoughts of comforting through food is renewed and that ...is ...terrifing. I revert back. The right side crushes in....the left side crushes in....the top of the box lowers.....it feels just horrible. The crud makes me doubt everything I thought right...makes me think that I am an unworthy and horrible person even thought I know that it is not true...makes the box flip over and over until every thought in my head is completely unhinged.

And then I cry.

What else can I do? I won't eat...I cannot talk to anyone because they are all asleep.

So I cry.

There is nothing to do except release this emotional valve on the glass box because if I don't, the glass box might just crush me.

And being crushed by an imaginary glass box would be just plane weird now, wouldn't it?

So a good cry and a laugh ends this blog.

Why did I come here and post this? Because I am here and I pride myself on being real here. Because not everything for everyone is sunshine and roses. Because someone...out there might be going though something just like it, but grabbed the bag of Doritos instead....which I have to confess, I did have some today with lunch...and more than my usualy portion...which scared the dickens out of me. Because I have come too far to let old habits and old crud wash over me and ruin everything I have worked so hard to successfully sort out in my head. Just because......

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZYWM 4/12/2011 2:52PM

    Great job blogging and dealing with this stuff Honey. It's so hard feeling like an outsider. And wanting better for our kids - it really hits home. When I'm feeling best about myself, I draw people in and build my own circle. When things aren't going so well, I shut people out more, and then I feel isolated.

You are building connections, through scouting and other activities. But we aren't one size fits all, interchangeable pods. Those people posting about their parties on FB? They're pod people. Insensitive, but with a need to broadcast their "in-ness". Clods. Clod pods. Too harsh? Sorry. Good people, who also happen to be pod clods. emoticon

A whole bunch of us are getting to know you here. And we really like you. You're great.

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Comment edited on: 4/12/2011 2:53:11 PM

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FULLOFFAITH 4/6/2011 1:28AM

    Yep I know the feeling. I go to FB as little as possible I feel like if I have time to be on the computer let me Spark away. I was shy and always the outcast as well. never quiet fit in. Good for you on digging deep and recognizing your true feelings. You have worked way to hard to go back those old habits.

Thanks for the blog.

Lisa

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SASSYSACY 4/5/2011 12:17PM

    Annie that's alot to digest, I admire you for that confession, for admitting your own weakness and what you feel is a flaw. You continue to inspire me with every blog you right and your unwavering commitment and dedication to this fight.

Keep your chin up and keep smiling. Your beautiful inside and out!

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REBECCATKD 4/4/2011 3:03PM

    Oh, Annie, your pain just sliced right through my heart. I've been there, too, seeing pics on Facebook and wondering how the invitation passed me by. (Sometimes I think FB is just another high school hallway, which is why I spend more time here on Sparkpeople.)

But, kiddo, you've got to see how often you leave that glass box behind. You're a den mother who spends hours making sure that these kids don't create glass boxes for themselves or others. You're a wife and mother who, frankly, your family would be lost without. And your honesty, charm, and quick-wittedness are what draws so many Sparkpeople to your blogs and page. We need you. We need your encouragement and your optimism and -- yes -- your honest acknowledgement that life isn't always sunshine and roses.

Thanks for your sharing your blog. And know that I am honored and proud to call you a real friend.

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OAKBORN 4/4/2011 11:19AM

    Wow. You just nailed it, as per usual.

I never called it the glass box, but it's always been the "veil" that seems to separate me from others. I was the geek, the plain girl, the dork, never as pretty, never as good as... too. Weight wasn't a problem until later, but those years of ridicule take their toll (some very painful memories that still chill me through).

What's bad is the veil sometimes separates me from my brothers, too. Not so much my parents, they always had my back. So I have always cherished my friends with whom I could just be me and not worry about having to censor what I said or did. They take the total package and just let it be.

So yeah, lots of pushy buttons that I grok in fullness.

Best to you always... somethings are easier to heal from than others.
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YAMINOKODOMO 4/4/2011 10:13AM

    I have to say you described exactly how I feel/am as well. I was always made fun of as well by the kids in my class because I didnt know how to tame my hair at the time so it was a big poofy mess and because I started breaking out at an early age. Kids are definitely cruel and can leave an everlasting self concious that you cant seem to get rid of. I dont care how many times I am told that I am beautiful, when I break out I just want to hide because I am afraid people are going to notice, when there is any little thing that I think is not right with me I feel like people are going to point and laugh. Kids dont realize how much of an impact they have on their fellow school mates and how it shapes them out to be when they grow up.

What I love about blogging, especially on spark, is that you can express exactly how you feel and not have to worry about being judged. Sometimes it just feels like you cant share these feelings with your loved ones because you have to keep this "I am strong" persona. Its hard, but here you can just let it all out and know that your spark friends are here to give you that virtual hug that you need.

You are strong person and I know that you are a great and fun person and hey maybe one weekend me you, and I am recruiting TASO! lol We can all go to AC and hang out because I know how it feels to not be able to go out with a group of people once and then because of that they assume you cant go at any other time!

Try and stay positive lady, but just know we are always here for you!

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ALANNAG30 4/4/2011 9:57AM

  Great Blog. You put into words how I felt as a child and still feel somedays too. I let out a big sigh of relief after I read it!! I feel somewehat normal knowing that I'm not the only one with similar feelings!!!

Thank you so much for writing this blog emoticon

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FIREFLY1967 4/4/2011 9:20AM

    Great Blog, and so feel the same way you do with people in my community.... There are probably alot more that feel the same way... and you know what, those ladies in that "inner circle"... they might have the same feelings as well. Dont let them or that situation get to you. The funny thing is, if they are always in the same group, they are the ones in the Glass Block,STUCK, as they see nothing past those walls. So they are truly the ones missing out on you and other fabulous people.

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DWEXCEL 4/4/2011 7:19AM

    OMG did that ever bring cold chills down my spine!

I don't think I've ever heard "it" described that way, but I think you just put your finger right on the heart of it.

I also, think that's why I've been stuck at my 150 pound mark, and even when I get below it, I come right back to it.

And I let myself have 2500 calories yesterday because of it. I've been trying to write myself notes in my nutrition log, to try to help figure it out.

My DH literally reamed me out, and wouldn't even listen to reality yesterday. He has a pair of glasses that look like they have little 7's or L's right into the lenses. The neighbors told him that it looked like a flaw in the anti-glare coating on them. And I agree, it does look like that. EXCEPT, he doesn't have anti-glare coating on them. He had it taken out of his old pair, and when he got these, he was quite adamant that he did not want it on these! I remember it just like it was yesterday. When I reminded him of that, he literally went through the roof. He screamed at me "how dare me call them a liar", and continually cut me off and told me to shut up. Then he went on to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. Then he brought it up again this morning, but said he didn't want to hear anything from me about it.

I just don't know what to do. I try to explain or clarify, and he just won't hear it, it just gets worse. A least here, I can get it out of my system, but I did load up on the calories yesterday. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A nice compliment.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This past week was absolutely nuts - between work, family and cub scouting obligations, my head was spinning off of it's axis....and now I'm glad to be back here to check up on everyone once again!! Whew!

But wait....just when I think I can breathe again....WHAP! SMACK! Right in the kisser! It seems like more things keep popping up from out of the blue!! Sports has started up in our world...so that is most of the craziness going on. To keep my day straight today, I even made a timeline! Every hour on the hour, I had to be somewhere to do something for someone. I am exhausted....and it's only Tuesday! emoticon emoticon

So anyway...I got a few nice compliments from out of the blue that I wanted to share. They came out of nowhere...and had absolutely NOTHING to do with how I look now (a nice thing) but rather on how and what I have done...on things that I really care about but really don't consider all that mind-blowing...it's just part of what I do in the day to day nuttiness that is my world.

The first came on Friday night. I am the Den leader to the 8-9 year old group of CubScouts known as the Bears. It was our den's turn to host the night for the 50 families involved in our Pack (the entire group as a whole)...and so I gathered my brain, reorganized the format into what the Boy scouts of America deems as the "proper format" and used that as my guide. Hey if it has worked for 100 years, why am I going to reinvent the wheel, right?? So I nixed any craft and figured the kids could learn First Aid....age appropriate first aid to boot...and from there, it was full steam ahead! I came up with a program, tweaked it with the help of my assistant/husband and my den parents and we were pretty good to go.

On the night, we rehearsed somewhat (why can't kids listen intently...really? my one pet peeve) and then everyone arrived. 4 things I personally wanted to accomplish: start on time, teach them something, have fun, and end on time. Well....it HAPPENED!!!! Everything always has a snafu to work through (and there were, but minor), but all in all - it went GREAT!!!! Couldn't have done it without a team effort from my parents (who have such faith in me it is scary!), but seriously, it was awesome!!!! All of the prepwork and format changes were spot on....I was in shock.

So this one veteran dad to our organization was leaving and seriously says to me "Wonderful. Thank you so much. That was the best pack night I have ever been to. Thank you. I don't know what this pack would be without you here." I think my jaw hit the floor in astonishment. All I could do was stammer "Wow, thank you." a few times.

The other thing that floored me was that everyone, for the first time, helped clean up the room and most of the pack LEFT the building by 9:15!!!! Usually, we are left cleaning up until about 9:45 or later! My CubMaster (the Boss) had her coat on, and gave me this huge hug "I can't believe we are leaving on TIME! and I talked to PARENTS one on one tonight! I never get to do that!" It was a bloody miracle night in my book! LOL

It really was an awesome night.

I started CubScouts with my 1st grader - 3 years ago....it was also the time when I started Spark. I was literally scared to death that first year to speak in front of a group. Now....guess what? Complete 180 - you cannot shut me up and I'm looking at being the head CubMaster in 2 years once my eldest graduates and my other 2 are in it for the next few years. Would I be so into it now if I didn't lose this weight? I don't know. I gained confidence in myself, and that alone was has been priceless.

When I started scouting, I was not that into it either - it was more of a pain in the butt with all of the prep-work and trying to figure out the ropes on my own. This year, I mentored a first year leader and she said that if I didn't explain it the way I did, she would have bailed the first month in. It's all how you look at things, that is all. Hindsight is also 20/20.....using that knowledge I gleamed from my own disaster first year has been priceless as well.

This year, I figured everyone needs an organization to belong to. Something that does some good for others is even better. For me it's Scouting. For others, it could be a religious organization, or a politial group...or a running club, or a book club. It's that community spirit that brings about joy and light.

I think back and wonder that if I didn't change my initial thinking 3 years ago....where would I be now?? Makes me kind of sad to think back to how "in my head" I was. I prefer to be more "out there" now. Maybe the transparency and the accountability I put on myself here at Spark was the key to figuring out that part of my head that was so messed up in regard to weight/happiness/depression/self-love/self
-loathing that I had going on.

Part of the success of that night wasn't about me doing everything either....it was a group effort that made it so great. I came home and shot an email off to my den right away. They had to know that people thought it was awesome, and that they were the ones that made it so awesome and that I was so proud of the boys and of them for being such great parents and volunteers. Another thing I learned was to ask for help...that is a key thing for a control freak to learn. Most times, if you ask for help...you shall receive help. If you don't believe me, try it - you will be SO astonished at the response you get.....but I digress....

There is a phrase "It takes a village to raise a child."

You can definitely use that in this case.

You can definitely use that for Spark.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YAMINOKODOMO 3/31/2011 2:27PM

    Good going! You are definitely a hard worker and you deserve all the acknowledgement in the world! And let me tell you getting compliments out of the blue like that are the best compliments in the world!

Keep doing your thang! I know you and den must have been so proud! Your gonna make the other dens jealous! lol

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DWEXCEL 3/31/2011 8:19AM

    You are truly a wonderful person! I feel like I really know you, even though we've never met. What amazing things you have done, and will continue to do. You are the Best!

And you have such a knack for making others feel great!

Luv ya!
Donna emoticon

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SUCHAHOOT 3/29/2011 11:05PM

    Yeah, OK, leave it to me for the cornball response, but I have tears in my eyes! I remember those first meetings and the dread! I am so proud of you! What a huge thing to pull of so smoothly. Scouts, sports, school, work...you are rocking it, Girlie!!

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AMJSATURN 3/29/2011 6:41PM

    Annie,

You have made your way in this world with all of your brains and talent.

Kudos to you.

Looks like your family is supportive also. I agree everyone should find something positive to be involved with.

They are very very fortunate to have you.

Bravo for a night done well.

emoticon emoticon

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STIPER23 3/29/2011 6:39PM

    What an awesome job! The compliments must have felt so good!

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ANITA_NM 3/29/2011 6:11PM

    Awesome! It sounds like you did a fantastic job! And it sounds like you have a great group of families involved in the cub scout pack; glad to see that they appreciated all your hard work!

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MISSCHARLEE 3/29/2011 6:03PM

    Wow! Please pass that big ol' bowl of ENERGY my way!

Congratulations on a job very well done!

Smiles! emoticon

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LOOKINFIT1 3/29/2011 6:02PM

    You are doing a fabulous job! It is certainly nice when our efforts don't go unnoticed-even when we aren't looking for recognition.

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