Wednesday, April 13, 2011
yupper..my buddy wine.
When I was heavy, I had reactions to it. No kidding! I would get hives, so basically I stayed away from it because I thought I was "allergic".....in reality, it is an intolerance, but you get my drift. This one time, at Thanksgiving, my FIL have me a glass and I turned beet red and started itching...yeah, you would stay away from it too after that right?
So anyway....I have this BIL who is a wine expert. Really, I kid you not. He used to buy and sell for restaurants. So anyway, we figured it out that maybe it was the sulfites or something, and that I should drink more natural wines, and I tried a Spanish red and that was it....I was now a wine drinker. No hives, no reaction...but I was also considerably thinner too. Anyway, I can totally blame him for my new addiction.
So back to the lack of reaction thingy. I was now considerably thinner than when I got the whole hive thing....if you think about it, all that water I drink has now made my body cells work more efficiently...so naturally, it is not so hard to grasp that things in your body change for the better. Look at all the people who kick medications right?
But wine...I actually craved some wine this crazy week. There was none in the house...at all. But for some reason, I really needed a glass of wine. Maybe it's psychological and a way to deal with stress, but really, all I could think of was my Glacier's End white wine. I finally got a bottle yesterday and it was just what the doctor ordered.
I have no idea why,...it was just so darned good...and a treat like that is a nice thing to look forward to at the end of a looooooooong looooooooong day. (don't worry, I don't have a problem....i'm really very anal retentive when it comes to stuff like that) What is amusing to me is that now you can keep that cake and brownie....give me a nice glass of wine that I really like and I am good to go.
So here come the pants part of this blog...I bought a size 4 pants the other day. Well, if you can count Old Navy size 4's as real Size 4's...don't they tend to run large? well, 15 years ago, when I shopped there a lot, pants ran large...so that is where I am coming from.
These pants, however, have stayed in the bag....with the receipt.....for a week. I bought them, the button, they fit....yet mentally....I was just not ready. This really is unknown territory. Just the number alone. Forget that every size 6 is falling off of me and that I constantly have to hike things back up to my waist to prevent saggy butt. Mentally, I have been staring at this pair of pants in big denial. I can handle the 'Small' size on other pants, because smalls are usually a 4-6 range...but a 4? really? on a pair of pants I actually own?? yeah, sure whatever...
yup...they stayed in the bag with the receipt a few more days longer.
I tried them on again 2 days ago....and put them right back in the bag.
What is wrong with me? You'd think I'd be DANCING around the room right??? Other people would - I know that for sure...why am I not?!? what is holding me back?!? I did the 8's - the 6's with no problem....but this is completely different and I don't know why.
One pair of pants that really truly fit is what I was staring at and it scared me to death.
Is this maintainable??? really and truly maintainable???
I can answer this truthfully that I have been hanging around this weight/form for a while and hiking up those 6's for a while as well....so I guess....it is maintainable.
But still...there was something holding me back.
Today.....I put those pants back on.
I looked at them, the wee bit of uber self-critical 'muffin top' is there, but seriously, they are not falling down or baggy in the butt, so that alone is a big win compared to other pants I own.
I ripped the long sticker tag running down the leg off.
I ripped the fancy waistband tag off of the top edge.
I ripped the price tag off.
These pants were now mine.
No turning back now.
I wore those pants today like a woman who knows that she is wearing sexy red lingerie underneath her clothes.
It was like my own little powerful secret...and all because of this silly number on a tag? well, maybe. It is a number that I had never thought possible that I'd ever see in my lifetime. A number that I was not striving to achieve yet came across my path regardless.
I toasted my pants with a glass of wine tonight. If it was just this one day...it was nice to wear those pants and commemorate them as part of my journey.
If I don't wear them again, at least I can say I did, right?
Now you see there...that kind of thinking is what will get me in trouble. How about this....I hope I don't shrink them in the wash so I can wear them again. Speaking of which - I'd better handle the delicate wash from now on...don't want to ruin my 'trophy pants'.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
So glad that the sun is out today!!!!!!!!
It feels like that this particular winter has been waaay to long and it's trying to still hang on by depressing everyone - including children!!!! My kids and their friends have been SO bummed about Mon and Tues this week being wash-outs. If you could have only seen their faces this morning when they saw the SUN!!!!!
They were already talking about recess by the time they hit the bus!
So happy for them!
And I am happy for me too....the glass box I wrote about before is back to it's usual largest, open transparent nature and I can finally BREATHE like myself once again!!!!
That bit of a funk took DAYS to get out of my system..but it finally did! Whew!
Thanks to everyone who read and commented because it really does mean a lot to just "be heard" sometimes. And I gleamed some insight from everyone's comments...thank you for that as well!
I think that the funk was lifted a bit more today when I went to Old Navy to buy some new pants. We went to Kohl's the other day with the boys in tow to get them new shirts for spring and Easter....and my hubby got a shirt or two...but I got....A candle. Needed? No, but there is this easter bunny candle holder that has been empty for 10 years and it finally peeved me enough to buy something for it. Shopping for myself with the family in tow is NOT an ideal situation - the kids were already whining to go....so I didn't try on anything at all for myself. A typical behavior from the past, but I will admit, I just wanted some new jeans & all the had were capri's and I didn't want to settle.
I'm not the hugest Old Navy fan anymore - I was 14 years ago, but now, not so much. In fact I hate the jeans I am putting in the bin....but I DID go buy the next smaller size....go figure. When they FIT, they are fine, but baggy, they are just not attractive. Meh...anyway,...I got some cute cargo's too - light and airy and perfect for spring...and on SALE! I love a sale.
So tonight - 2 stand-by pair of pants are hitting the give-away section of my closet...and that is how it should be. I don't hold on to things like that anymore.
Wow....that last line is a kicker. I think I won't hold on to ANYTHING that doesn't make me happy anymore. After all....it's just baggage, and really....who needs to lug all that crap around?!?
Have an awesome day Sparkfriends!!
Monday, April 04, 2011
When I was younger, although I was a happy enough kid, I really felt alone and a bit of a misfit, even though I had 4 other siblings. It's the God-honest truth...and it was part of me that made myself shy to the outside world and I think the comfort of food helped...and did not help. I didn't have a lot of close friends, but I had books and music and my family, and being smart helped me earn praise that I so desperately wanted...and needed.
So I lived in my little glass box. I pretended I had friends. I used my imagination to go places where I was pretty and popular and had hair that I could flip into a feather-style instead of the wavy curly mess that I struggled to just comb. I was teased for not having the right clothes, for not being in fashion, for being a geek...even for sitting on the bus with a kid noone else liked because he smelled bad and there you go - he was now my boyfriend. Yeah, kids are cruel.
All I ever wanted was to be liked.
To this day, I have that same tendency to feel the need to be liked. I try my hardest not to offend: to not say what is on my mind at the moment, because sometimes, saying things without thinking can get you in trouble....and most of the time, things pass and change and the thoughts that were on my mind really would not pertain to anything life-altering at all. Well, except when they are, but people usually figure things out without my help anyway.
Today I felt like I was back inside my little glass box.
It's about 12:18am and I cannot sleep.
I can look to the right of me and through my little glass box I see pictures of "friends" I had made through my children's classes via the lovely world of Facebook...at first all I see is the one as a hostess and her son at his Baptism...scrolling through the pictures, I see that the ladies I went to dinner with 3 months earlier are all at the Christening party with their kids....and another woman has birthday party pictures up, yet my son is not there...and the entire group went to a meet and greet for some band with all of their kids that were friends in Kindergarten together......and yet......me and my son are not there. What do I have to do to get in? I stink at playdates...I admit it! I told you that! I can't go out all the time either...just because I said 'no' once doesn't mean I don't want to be invited again!
And here I was, thinking that I was "in" a group that I would benefit friendships from and my son would grow friendships with....but yet, I feel stuck inside my glass box once again, just like when I was a little kid.
Sure, they like me, I am funny...and charming...and quick witted....but yet, I am not in their circle. I have tons of people who think that today....great. wonderful. fantastic. I'm so glad. But seriously, would you be there to catch me if I needed you on another level??? I would be there for you because that is how I am....but would you for me?
And then I turn to the left in my glass box. Do a 180 turn, literally and figuratively...and there you go. Do those people really know me? Do they want to? I think they'd like me if they gave me a chance....if they saw past my insecurities of feeling like an outsider when I am with them. Do I embarass them? Am I not cool enough for them?
That side of the box makes me feel like I am in middle school once again, sitting with the uncool girls in the cafeteria. I am chubby and make-up free and wearing leggings with a bad sweater with braces once again and terrified to change in the girls locker room because I felt like every criticizing eye is on me.
The glass box does have a back that I cannot see directly....yet I know it is there. When I TRY to see it, it quickly disappears...and yet it is still there, at my back. I can lean on this part of the box even thought I cannot see through it directly. This part has my back. It feels strong and safe. It's like everyone who has seen me is there...including my husband, my kids and my kindred friends and family.
In front of me is still a glass wall....and depending on the day, it is really thin and airy (these are good days - let's say 95% of the time)....or sometimes (the other 5%), it is reallly thick and cloudy. On the thick and cloudy days, the box can get smaller and smaller too, almost suffocating and it feels as if someone is pouring bad crud all over my head through a hole in the top of the box.
The bad crud is viscous and evil...thoughts of comforting through food is renewed and that ...is ...terrifing. I revert back. The right side crushes in....the left side crushes in....the top of the box lowers.....it feels just horrible. The crud makes me doubt everything I thought right...makes me think that I am an unworthy and horrible person even thought I know that it is not true...makes the box flip over and over until every thought in my head is completely unhinged.
And then I cry.
What else can I do? I won't eat...I cannot talk to anyone because they are all asleep.
So I cry.
There is nothing to do except release this emotional valve on the glass box because if I don't, the glass box might just crush me.
And being crushed by an imaginary glass box would be just plane weird now, wouldn't it?
So a good cry and a laugh ends this blog.
Why did I come here and post this? Because I am here and I pride myself on being real here. Because not everything for everyone is sunshine and roses. Because someone...out there might be going though something just like it, but grabbed the bag of Doritos instead....which I have to confess, I did have some today with lunch...and more than my usualy portion...which scared the dickens out of me. Because I have come too far to let old habits and old crud wash over me and ruin everything I have worked so hard to successfully sort out in my head. Just because......
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
This past week was absolutely nuts - between work, family and cub scouting obligations, my head was spinning off of it's axis....and now I'm glad to be back here to check up on everyone once again!! Whew!
But wait....just when I think I can breathe again....WHAP! SMACK! Right in the kisser! It seems like more things keep popping up from out of the blue!! Sports has started up in our world...so that is most of the craziness going on. To keep my day straight today, I even made a timeline! Every hour on the hour, I had to be somewhere to do something for someone. I am exhausted....and it's only Tuesday!
So anyway...I got a few nice compliments from out of the blue that I wanted to share. They came out of nowhere...and had absolutely NOTHING to do with how I look now (a nice thing) but rather on how and what I have done...on things that I really care about but really don't consider all that mind-blowing...it's just part of what I do in the day to day nuttiness that is my world.
The first came on Friday night. I am the Den leader to the 8-9 year old group of CubScouts known as the Bears. It was our den's turn to host the night for the 50 families involved in our Pack (the entire group as a whole)...and so I gathered my brain, reorganized the format into what the Boy scouts of America deems as the "proper format" and used that as my guide. Hey if it has worked for 100 years, why am I going to reinvent the wheel, right?? So I nixed any craft and figured the kids could learn First Aid....age appropriate first aid to boot...and from there, it was full steam ahead! I came up with a program, tweaked it with the help of my assistant/husband and my den parents and we were pretty good to go.
On the night, we rehearsed somewhat (why can't kids listen intently...really? my one pet peeve) and then everyone arrived. 4 things I personally wanted to accomplish: start on time, teach them something, have fun, and end on time. Well....it HAPPENED!!!! Everything always has a snafu to work through (and there were, but minor), but all in all - it went GREAT!!!! Couldn't have done it without a team effort from my parents (who have such faith in me it is scary!), but seriously, it was awesome!!!! All of the prepwork and format changes were spot on....I was in shock.
So this one veteran dad to our organization was leaving and seriously says to me "Wonderful. Thank you so much. That was the best pack night I have ever been to. Thank you. I don't know what this pack would be without you here." I think my jaw hit the floor in astonishment. All I could do was stammer "Wow, thank you." a few times.
The other thing that floored me was that everyone, for the first time, helped clean up the room and most of the pack LEFT the building by 9:15!!!! Usually, we are left cleaning up until about 9:45 or later! My CubMaster (the Boss) had her coat on, and gave me this huge hug "I can't believe we are leaving on TIME! and I talked to PARENTS one on one tonight! I never get to do that!" It was a bloody miracle night in my book! LOL
It really was an awesome night.
I started CubScouts with my 1st grader - 3 years ago....it was also the time when I started Spark. I was literally scared to death that first year to speak in front of a group. Now....guess what? Complete 180 - you cannot shut me up and I'm looking at being the head CubMaster in 2 years once my eldest graduates and my other 2 are in it for the next few years. Would I be so into it now if I didn't lose this weight? I don't know. I gained confidence in myself, and that alone was has been priceless.
When I started scouting, I was not that into it either - it was more of a pain in the butt with all of the prep-work and trying to figure out the ropes on my own. This year, I mentored a first year leader and she said that if I didn't explain it the way I did, she would have bailed the first month in. It's all how you look at things, that is all. Hindsight is also 20/20.....using that knowledge I gleamed from my own disaster first year has been priceless as well.
This year, I figured everyone needs an organization to belong to. Something that does some good for others is even better. For me it's Scouting. For others, it could be a religious organization, or a politial group...or a running club, or a book club. It's that community spirit that brings about joy and light.
I think back and wonder that if I didn't change my initial thinking 3 years ago....where would I be now?? Makes me kind of sad to think back to how "in my head" I was. I prefer to be more "out there" now. Maybe the transparency and the accountability I put on myself here at Spark was the key to figuring out that part of my head that was so messed up in regard to weight/happiness/depression/self-love/self
-loathing that I had going on.
Part of the success of that night wasn't about me doing everything either....it was a group effort that made it so great. I came home and shot an email off to my den right away. They had to know that people thought it was awesome, and that they were the ones that made it so awesome and that I was so proud of the boys and of them for being such great parents and volunteers. Another thing I learned was to ask for help...that is a key thing for a control freak to learn. Most times, if you ask for help...you shall receive help. If you don't believe me, try it - you will be SO astonished at the response you get.....but I digress....
There is a phrase "It takes a village to raise a child."
You can definitely use that in this case.
You can definitely use that for Spark.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Hey all. nice title huh?
I came up with that one while I was hurling my guts out on Saturday night.
Seems that I ate something that did not agree with me during antipasto/dinner (blaming the bleu cheese since I was the only one who ate the most of it)....and within 3 hours, my stomach was making all sorts of weird noises, and I felt nauseated to the max...we got home and I literally waved to the kids at bedtime and I stayed near the bathroom for the duration.
Not a pretty picture...at. all.
What's amusing to me ist that that morning, I weighed in at 131 (I weigh everyday b/c of maintenance - keeps me on point)...........I weighed myself after the puke/diarrhea-fest.....127.5. So THAT's what I weigh when my body is completely void of water, food, stomach and intestinal contents! Loooooooovely huh?
Yeah, not stoked on that scale number OR the way I got to it...and slowly I am getting my appetite back...I gained a pound over night, so that was nice to see, it means that my body is righting itself slowly.
Last night, at 9:30, I was starving...I usually never eat at night that late, but there is always an exception, especially when the body is screaming for it. I had the best bowl of raisin bran I ever ate in my life! LoL
It's amazing what your body tells you if you just listen to it....it knows and it takes a long to time figure it out, but when you do, it really is amazing.
and really, how and why would anyone want to throw up on purpose??? it ravages the whole system. Totally not fun.
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