Thursday, July 14, 2011
Ever get to thinking and then your brain will not shut off when it is time to go to sleep?
Well, for me, this is one of those times. Honestly, it has been happening a lot in the past few months...I guess I have a lot on my mind.
I keep trying to blog and I keep erasing what I type.
Maybe if I list things - here it goes...
- hubby is looking hot and exercising consistently...I am not (even though I look the same as ever) and do not exercise consistently...am I feeling insignificant? like a failure? I am proud of all he has done...I say so aloud all the time...he does not for me (very rare to hear) Am I still attractive to him? it is silly to even think that because he never ever said things like that before when we were heavy, but why do I want to hear it now..from him? We're not the mushy sort, why am I being so sensitive about this?
- I need to finish some courses, but I am stuck on a final in one and 4 chapters and final in another. I have been putting it off for so long that I have to relearn..again, feeling like a failure because I seem to do this with many things I start. I burned out, took a break and now, here I am, feeling like a failure and needing to finish.
- I'm tired of speaking and not being heard in some areas of my life...kids are a given as to not listen, but abrasive, entitled adults really are starting to irritate....volunteering is sometimes a pain like that.
- I just went to a party this past weekend with my girlfriend and felt I was thrust right back to the ugly fat friend role (married & unavailable now is more to the point - kinda the same thing? LOL) ...even though SHE was upfront & honest and telling me to stop acting and thinking like the words I was saying about myself. She calls it "Ugly duckling syndrome"....it's a hard syndrome to shake sometimes. I have it so bad that I even noticed that I can't look a smiling handsome waiter in the eye!
- I have a solo mom-only, kid-free weekend coming up next weekend...and I have NO idea what to do with myself. I have to work on Sat morning, so going anywhere to visit someone on Fri for the weekend is not possible. Women I know from my kids' school are OK - noone really I would consider a BFF....and my local BFF will not be in town that weekend or else we'd be hanging out together. Most of these local women hang out with their own established groups, so I feel like a lonely loser asking a group to come over and hang out & drink, even though the one group I want to hang out DID come over a year ago & we had a blast. I guess it's that Ugly Duckling/Childhood shyness coming out here...but if I don't put myself out there, then I won't ever get anywhere either, right??? Oh...I don't know, maybe I will go get a facial and massage and have sushi....but that is hiding...but then again...oh nevermind...I can go on forever. Good god, I miss my longtime BFFs...I really wished they lived closer sometimes.
Just listing these few things shows that I need to set some goals and take some chances and be more "out there" again. It gets exhausting though...just like maintenance gets exhausting. "It" being on top and on point and not getting any kudos for the effort put out. Maybe THAT is what my problem is....self acceptance and self love for what I HAVE done. I don't know why I am so down lately...chalking it up to a cyclical episode.
Never said this journey was easy...must be the full moon in my brain shaking things up.
This too shall pass.
Time to set some goals up....THAT is the first step.
A step is to get exercising again now that this chest cold is going away. That will help with the sleep and the stress. First things first.
Friday, July 01, 2011
I've been reading a lot of blogs about the battle between body image and what our body's actually look like now after exercising and dieting (EWWW! I hate that word 'diet' but in this case, I will leave it alone.) I've touched on it before...but it really is a subject that I don't think will ever go away.
I think the thing to do is to confront it head on an really look and say "Hey, I look AOK." in the mirror every single day, and take those before pics out to remind oneself of where you were and where you are now.
Here's a recent something that happened to me in this regard to throwing those comfort zone issues right out the window:
When I went to the beach with my youngest last, he literally TOLD me to take off my coverup...I basically had no choice in the matter! He can be quite the persuasive stinker, that one! So...I did.
The next time we went to the beach (it was last Sunday) and we went as a family. We had a great time (without coverups & t-shirts on over our suits) and around noon....DH & I were talking while the older 2 were behind us throwing a ball....when only the oldest came back alone.
"Hey,where is your brother?" I ask.
"He said he was coming back here...he was babbling about Pokemon and I wasn't paying attention to him so he came back here."
Well, a long, stressed out, panic-y drama saga later...with the help of a bunch of mom's, lifeguards, and cops....we found our middle guy wandering a few lifeguard stations down looking for us!!!!
Thank GOD for the photo I took of him a half hour before that I showed these mom's...the teenage daughter got a good look and walked down the beach, and found him within 20 minutes of us starting the search. I sure gave HER a huge hug...after I hugged my son of course and told him I loved him but that I was then going to kill him for worrying us like that!
ANYWAY - my point comes to this. I was in my swimsuit THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! Not ONCE did I think, "I've got to put my coverup on!" I ran - BAYWATCH STYLE - from the boardwalk to the towel - goodness knows how far....in my swimsuit and with flip-flops throwing sand everywhere and beating the lifeguard who was with me...went back up to the police station to fill out a report with the cop....yup, all in my swimsuit.
Talk about a forced way to get over one's hangup!!!
On the way home, I realized that I was totally AOK with my body image at the beach...probably for the very first time in my life. For goodness sake, for a 38 year old mom of 3 who is not a work-out-aholic per se....yup, I am A. O. K.
Sure, there is always room for improvement...but right now...it's all good.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Well, woohoo...um, yay...hey kids, please pick up the family room.....please stop wrestling, someone is going to get hurt....can you pleeeasse stop repeating everything that he is saying?....Did you hear me??...Do I need to come in there??
I think, depending on the day, I am going to need to don a whistle and a black&white ref shirt.
Boredom = whining
Boredom = constant snacking (I'm talking about the adults too here)
Rain = boredom which = all of the above
So with the less hectic schedule comes the evils of summer.
So hubby and I are trying to get an economical (ahem,...cheap) handle on this summer. To keep things busy enough on OUR terms instead of other's terms (aka teams, religious ed, school & scout schedules). We do so much during the year on what other's need us to do...this is what we need to do for ourselves this summer.
THAT is our challenge for this summer....for our sanity.
On our to do list:
- Do some home improvements - paint the outside wood parts mostly.
- start piano lessons for my middle guy...possibly my oldest if he is interested. (I hope they will listen to my teaching or else that is a no go...we shall see)
- speech lessons 2x a week for my youngest (much needed for kindergarten prep - worth the money to keep it going)
- impromptu lacrosse practices on Tuesdays....we don't HAVE to go...it's optional & free
- set up playdates....I STINK at them. Self-proclaimed bad playdate-setter-upper here. I have to work on that and THIS is the summer to do it.
- go to Boston to visit my sister (ROADTRIP!!!)
- go to the wineries out East
I'm setting out my calendar today in between loads of laundry and getting to the planning!
It's time to RECHARGE these batteries!!!!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
as rare as sighting a unicorn!!
I don't know what possessed me to get my gear on early and actually go to the beach with my 4 year old. Sure, I live 15 minutes from the beach, but really....I never ever go. Part of the reason was the whole heavy/bathing suit factor issue, another part is that I really don't like sand, another part still is that I don't like to get sunburned (and I am one of those that does not tan..I am red, then pale, then red, then pale - so why bother)...and another part is that I happened to spend a LOT of time at the beach as a kid on the family boat and I just never really was like "Yeah, this is awesome!" - the part I really liked best was sitting in the bow of the boat when it was flying through the waves ( at a whole 20 knots) and pretending I was flying...but I digress.
So today I went out of my comfort zone and went to the beach.....and as soon as we got there...then sun went in and the cool breeze picked up. "Really??? C'mon!! I'm asking for a nice beach day here Mother Nature...this is a rare thing going on...please let the sun come out for an hour."
Me and the peanut had some lunch first, then we played in the sand....and since we are alone, there is no Mommmy read a magazine time....there is Mommy come and play with me time. So it was time to hit the waves and play tag and chase with them, just like I used to do as a kid.
The sun was still hiding..and the breeze was still cool.
And then.... The angels sang and the sun appeared!!!
At this point, I still have my coverup dress on...but my son, well, he is NOT having it.
"Mama, take that off! We are going to get wet now! Take it off!" says he.
"But honey it's still cold out to me, just a few minutes more, I promise." says I.
"No Mama, I don't like it on. Take it off. I want to sit and get a gogurt." says he.
So we go sit down...he eats his gogurt, and I, yes, I take off the Barney-colored purple sundress.
He sees this action and he is GONE! Right back down to the water! The little stinker!!! He KNOWS he cannot be down there by himself!
I wave him back....he waves ME back with this HUGE $hit-eating grin right back at me and takes 2 more steps to the water.
I start laughing....he's got me.
So I went down to the water and we played, and noone noticed me in my suit...because I just blend in now. Well, not in my head, but I blend in more on the outside now. Really, the only thing people could criticize me of was being an active mom, playing and laughing too hard with my son in the waves.
I got us there and he got me out of my comfort zone...and we had fun...and even though it was only 2 hours, it was still a moment that I will not forget for a long time.
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