ANNIEONLI   47,663
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Insomnia brain

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Ever get to thinking and then your brain will not shut off when it is time to go to sleep?

Well, for me, this is one of those times. Honestly, it has been happening a lot in the past few months...I guess I have a lot on my mind.

I keep trying to blog and I keep erasing what I type.

Maybe if I list things - here it goes...

- hubby is looking hot and exercising consistently...I am not (even though I look the same as ever) and do not exercise consistently...am I feeling insignificant? like a failure? I am proud of all he has done...I say so aloud all the time...he does not for me (very rare to hear) Am I still attractive to him? it is silly to even think that because he never ever said things like that before when we were heavy, but why do I want to hear it now..from him? We're not the mushy sort, why am I being so sensitive about this?

- I need to finish some courses, but I am stuck on a final in one and 4 chapters and final in another. I have been putting it off for so long that I have to relearn..again, feeling like a failure because I seem to do this with many things I start. I burned out, took a break and now, here I am, feeling like a failure and needing to finish.

- I'm tired of speaking and not being heard in some areas of my life...kids are a given as to not listen, but abrasive, entitled adults really are starting to irritate....volunteering is sometimes a pain like that.

- I just went to a party this past weekend with my girlfriend and felt I was thrust right back to the ugly fat friend role (married & unavailable now is more to the point - kinda the same thing? LOL) ...even though SHE was upfront & honest and telling me to stop acting and thinking like the words I was saying about myself. She calls it "Ugly duckling syndrome"....it's a hard syndrome to shake sometimes. I have it so bad that I even noticed that I can't look a smiling handsome waiter in the eye!

- I have a solo mom-only, kid-free weekend coming up next weekend...and I have NO idea what to do with myself. I have to work on Sat morning, so going anywhere to visit someone on Fri for the weekend is not possible. Women I know from my kids' school are OK - noone really I would consider a BFF....and my local BFF will not be in town that weekend or else we'd be hanging out together. Most of these local women hang out with their own established groups, so I feel like a lonely loser asking a group to come over and hang out & drink, even though the one group I want to hang out DID come over a year ago & we had a blast. I guess it's that Ugly Duckling/Childhood shyness coming out here...but if I don't put myself out there, then I won't ever get anywhere either, right??? Oh...I don't know, maybe I will go get a facial and massage and have sushi....but that is hiding...but then again...oh nevermind...I can go on forever. Good god, I miss my longtime BFFs...I really wished they lived closer sometimes.

Just listing these few things shows that I need to set some goals and take some chances and be more "out there" again. It gets exhausting though...just like maintenance gets exhausting. "It" being on top and on point and not getting any kudos for the effort put out. Maybe THAT is what my problem is....self acceptance and self love for what I HAVE done. I don't know why I am so down lately...chalking it up to a cyclical episode.

Never said this journey was easy...must be the full moon in my brain shaking things up.

This too shall pass.

Time to set some goals up....THAT is the first step.

A step is to get exercising again now that this chest cold is going away. That will help with the sleep and the stress. First things first.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZYWM 7/21/2011 1:32AM

    Hi Hon - So glad you blogged this out, and I hope you ended up enjoying your solo-time.

I didn't read everyone else's response, but I think we all have times when we need more reinforcement. Maintaining a happy strong marriage is hard when you have young children who need so much. I hope you two are getting out for some date time. I know it's easier said than done.

And you need fun time with friends too - missing bff's makes so much sense. Someone you can say anything to, laugh about awful things that other people might think you're mental about . . . someone to reinforce your goodness, normalcy and humanity.

The wanna-be therapist in me wants to ask what you've done for yourself lately, just for you.

And the classes? You'll knock them out. You're awesome.

Like everything else, these moods shall also pass. Everything changes.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FULLOFFAITH 7/16/2011 4:51PM

    Hi my friend, I will keep this short and sweet.You a failure NOPE, You have so much on your plate at one time you are bond to burn out. Hope you decided on something fun to do since you have the day to yourself and as a mother I know those days are rare.

Wish I lived there we could have totally hung out.

Lisa

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TASOGAREBAN 7/14/2011 1:47PM

    I think the reason why you want to hear your husband give you nice words is because you want to reinforce that the weight loss journey was in fact a journey and that hard work was put into it. Your husband sounds a lot like my man. He used to compliment me in the veeeeeerry beginning of our relationship, the first three months. After that, he just stopped. And now that I'm pretty much at goal weight, I want to hear him compliment me because I need someone to understand that losing and maintaining isn't easy and isn't for everyone. If we could all do it easily, we'd all be fit and healthy. But the fact that it isn't easy makes us want some kind of acknowledgement that we did it/are doing it. Does that make sense?

I would never consider you a failure. I DO think you kill yourself with all you do though so I'm not surprised you're burning out. I think you might need a bit of a break or maybe a little bit of time to yourself. You might just have too much on your plate which is why you're freaking out!

And ASDFGHJKL!! What the?? Hey now, Married and Unavailable doesn't mean rude and dead! Can't look a handsome waiter in the eye?? C'mon now, girl. Everything you've accomplished, you need to get over that Ugly Duck syndrome crap! And I would say that if you had a great time with that group last year then you do it again! I mean, the whole point is to enjoy a day to yourself and if that's going to do it for you, why not go for it?? Kick that Ugly Duckling syndome to the curb!

And yeah, definitely set goals. And get those finals and all that out of the way so it stops wearing on you! You need to enjoy yourself! Life is short, my friend!

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OAKBORN 7/14/2011 11:39AM

    Hang in there Amazing Woman (TM)! That is YOUR (TM) by the way, I say so!

Maybe just take time for yourself and do nothing while you have the time... you can allow yourself to do nothing. Sometimes a little solitary brain time is the best thing you can do for yourself!

Read a book, go for a solitary swim, eat popcorn (plain, unbuttered)... do what YOU need!

emoticon emoticon WOMAN!

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DWEXCEL 7/14/2011 7:39AM

    Good Morning Annie!

OK.....First thing......Failure is NOT a word I would ever even begin to think of to describe you in any way or manner!!! So don't you either. You have done AMAZING things with your life.....your awesome weight loss, being a super busy Mom, motivating your husband to lose and get into shape, motivating all of us, going back to school...and those are just the things that I know about you. I'm sure the list is even more impressive!

Sometimes, husbands can be the meanest animal in the world, without even knowing they are doing it. He has probably gotten used to the "new you", and has difficulty remembering how you were when you were heavy. Another thing, they forget how "sensitive" we girls can be, even though they've lived with us for years, and the same old things still bother us the same way......they just don't get it. And sometimes they are the "it" that are bothering us.

You are the kind of person (I believe) who puts everything into what they do, and push, push, push, to the point of burn out. Think about how many things you are doing.....no wonder you are feeling like this. But do not worry....this is who you are....and you wouldn't be you, if you didn't do things this way. I'm kindda the same way to. And for me, it's a cyclical kind of thing. In a few days you'll be back to feeling great again...running at 120%....we just have to learn chose what are the most important things, and that 100% is really good enough.

Here's the third thing, and it's just an opinion. But sometimes, we just "outgrow" our friends. Look at all the changes you have made in the last few years. It's likely that you are a completely different person than you were. And sometimes, they/friends change too. But sometimes you change, but they don't. Don't beat yourself up for improving yourself! I had a very heartbreaking experience with somebody I thought was my BFF about 10-12 years ago. Turns out we both grew in different directions....separately. Nevertheless, it hurt to find out her definition of friendship and what friends do for etch other in times of need had changed. She put me in a very difficult situation, and I had to chose. Not to mention, that sometimes, you make all these changes, and your friends don't, and sometimes that evil green jealous monster rears it's ugly, sabotaging face....in ways that we don't even know. So again, don't beat yourself up for improving yourself!

With that being said, you already know what you have to do....you already said it. The goal oriented person that you are, you are already working on setting new ones....see even more change is coming.

If I do have anything to offer, it is what great therapy, medicine, etc. consistent exercise can be. I can and do work off a lot of frustration, in addition to a lot of calories! Not to mention how good you feel when you're done! And it is proven to make you sleep better too!

So you Go Girl! I hate to see when you get down on yourself. But it just proves that you are human, just like the rest of us. This too shall pass, and you'll be better than ever. I just know it!

Wow....look at that....me giving you advice for a change. LOL! And I feel good having given you those words. BTW,my friend and I did work things out. She's also my next door neighbor. It was very difficult for a while. It actually took years, but we are friends again, just a different kind of friendship. We're OK, but I recognize that it will never be the same as it was before.
emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 7/14/2011 7:43:19 AM

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Comfort zone issues & getting over it.

Friday, July 01, 2011

I've been reading a lot of blogs about the battle between body image and what our body's actually look like now after exercising and dieting (EWWW! I hate that word 'diet' but in this case, I will leave it alone.) I've touched on it before...but it really is a subject that I don't think will ever go away.

I think the thing to do is to confront it head on an really look and say "Hey, I look AOK." in the mirror every single day, and take those before pics out to remind oneself of where you were and where you are now.

Here's a recent something that happened to me in this regard to throwing those comfort zone issues right out the window:

When I went to the beach with my youngest last, he literally TOLD me to take off my coverup...I basically had no choice in the matter! He can be quite the persuasive stinker, that one! So...I did.

The next time we went to the beach (it was last Sunday) and we went as a family. We had a great time (without coverups & t-shirts on over our suits) and around noon....DH & I were talking while the older 2 were behind us throwing a ball....when only the oldest came back alone.

"Hey,where is your brother?" I ask.

"He said he was coming back here...he was babbling about Pokemon and I wasn't paying attention to him so he came back here."

Well, a long, stressed out, panic-y drama saga later...with the help of a bunch of mom's, lifeguards, and cops....we found our middle guy wandering a few lifeguard stations down looking for us!!!! emoticon

Thank GOD for the photo I took of him a half hour before that I showed these mom's...the teenage daughter got a good look and walked down the beach, and found him within 20 minutes of us starting the search. I sure gave HER a huge hug...after I hugged my son of course and told him I loved him but that I was then going to kill him for worrying us like that! emoticon

ANYWAY - my point comes to this. I was in my swimsuit THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! Not ONCE did I think, "I've got to put my coverup on!" I ran - BAYWATCH STYLE - from the boardwalk to the towel - goodness knows how far....in my swimsuit and with flip-flops throwing sand everywhere and beating the lifeguard who was with me...went back up to the police station to fill out a report with the cop....yup, all in my swimsuit.

Talk about a forced way to get over one's hangup!!! emoticon

On the way home, I realized that I was totally AOK with my body image at the beach...probably for the very first time in my life. For goodness sake, for a 38 year old mom of 3 who is not a work-out-aholic per se....yup, I am A. O. K.

Sure, there is always room for improvement...but right now...it's all good.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUPERMAMA82 7/13/2011 2:18PM

    Look at you, MRS. CONFIDENT! Way to go!
I'm glad you found your son safe & sound. =)

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SUZYWM 7/10/2011 1:19AM

    So sorry you had that scare - it makes my heart just race to think of it. I'm glad your son is safe and sound.

It is significant that you were able to take care of your situation without worrying about your body. You've come a long way baby! Keep rockin it!

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DWEXCEL 7/6/2011 7:01AM

    Hey Girlfried!

I am superglad you found your son! I can only image the panick and fear you must have been going through at the time.

#2, I'm still looking for that picture of you in your bathing suit.....No Seriously, I am so proud of you. Isn't it funny how we overcome our hang-ups in the most unpredictable ways.

You are the best. And who knows, maybe you could try out for the part if they do a remake of Baywatch!

Love to you!
Donna emoticon

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YAMINOKODOMO 7/5/2011 9:07PM

    First of all I am really happy you guys found your son! Scares like that are not cool!

But I love how you said you ran baywatch style to the boardwalk lol! You are definitely one hot mama and you should definitely be AOK with your body!

Even though I do like the way my body looks I still get a little embarrassed at the beach in my bikini. I might need a little scare to get me to run around in my bikini and not care!

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SLENDERELLA61 7/1/2011 7:28PM

    So glad you found your son. Scary minutes....

But YOU DID IT ALL IN YOUR BATHING SUIT!!! Whoop! Whoop! I am so impressed. Not sure I'll ever get there, but I recognize that is a huge step; a huge accomplishment. You are now comfortable in your own skin, in your own body. What a great way to live!!

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School is officially OUT for summer!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Woohoo!!

Well, woohoo...um, yay...hey kids, please pick up the family room.....please stop wrestling, someone is going to get hurt....can you pleeeasse stop repeating everything that he is saying?....Did you hear me??...Do I need to come in there??

I think, depending on the day, I am going to need to don a whistle and a black&white ref shirt.

Boredom = whining

Boredom = constant snacking (I'm talking about the adults too here) emoticon

Rain = boredom which = all of the above

So with the less hectic schedule comes the evils of summer.

So hubby and I are trying to get an economical (ahem,...cheap) handle on this summer. To keep things busy enough on OUR terms instead of other's terms (aka teams, religious ed, school & scout schedules). We do so much during the year on what other's need us to do...this is what we need to do for ourselves this summer.

THAT is our challenge for this summer....for our sanity.

On our to do list:
- Do some home improvements - paint the outside wood parts mostly.
- start piano lessons for my middle guy...possibly my oldest if he is interested. (I hope they will listen to my teaching or else that is a no go...we shall see)
- speech lessons 2x a week for my youngest (much needed for kindergarten prep - worth the money to keep it going)
- impromptu lacrosse practices on Tuesdays....we don't HAVE to go...it's optional & free
- set up playdates....I STINK at them. Self-proclaimed bad playdate-setter-upper here. I have to work on that and THIS is the summer to do it.
- go to Boston to visit my sister (ROADTRIP!!!)
- go to the wineries out East

I'm setting out my calendar today in between loads of laundry and getting to the planning!

It's time to RECHARGE these batteries!!!!!
WOOHOOO!! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OAKBORN 6/26/2011 9:47PM

    Wow, you guys are out LATE! I thought my son was out late in that first week of June! Sounds like your work is cut out for the summer.... now just to buckle down and get it done! Hope it's fun, productive and CHEAP!

emoticon

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TASOGAREBAN 6/25/2011 1:29PM

    Oooh girl, talk about recharging your batteries. Life with kids sounds so complicated. I am wishing you much patience, much luck but most of all, a TON of fun! emoticon

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CRAZEE4MARIAH 6/25/2011 9:39AM

    i know my sons only been home 2 days and im stressed lol thank god he goes back 2 school on july 11th counting down the days lol:) emoticon

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A beach visit...and on the 1st day of summer too

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

as rare as sighting a unicorn!! emoticon

I don't know what possessed me to get my gear on early and actually go to the beach with my 4 year old. Sure, I live 15 minutes from the beach, but really....I never ever go. Part of the reason was the whole heavy/bathing suit factor issue, another part is that I really don't like sand, another part still is that I don't like to get sunburned (and I am one of those that does not tan..I am red, then pale, then red, then pale - so why bother)...and another part is that I happened to spend a LOT of time at the beach as a kid on the family boat and I just never really was like "Yeah, this is awesome!" - the part I really liked best was sitting in the bow of the boat when it was flying through the waves ( at a whole 20 knots) and pretending I was flying...but I digress.

So today I went out of my comfort zone and went to the beach.....and as soon as we got there...then sun went in and the cool breeze picked up. "Really??? C'mon!! I'm asking for a nice beach day here Mother Nature...this is a rare thing going on...please let the sun come out for an hour."

Me and the peanut had some lunch first, then we played in the sand....and since we are alone, there is no Mommmy read a magazine time....there is Mommy come and play with me time. So it was time to hit the waves and play tag and chase with them, just like I used to do as a kid.

The sun was still hiding..and the breeze was still cool. emoticon

And then.... emoticonThe angels sang and the sun appeared!!! emoticon

At this point, I still have my coverup dress on...but my son, well, he is NOT having it.

"Mama, take that off! We are going to get wet now! Take it off!" says he.

"But honey it's still cold out to me, just a few minutes more, I promise." says I.

"No Mama, I don't like it on. Take it off. I want to sit and get a gogurt." says he.

So we go sit down...he eats his gogurt, and I, yes, I take off the Barney-colored purple sundress.

He sees this action and he is GONE! Right back down to the water! The little stinker!!! He KNOWS he cannot be down there by himself!

I wave him back....he waves ME back with this HUGE $hit-eating grin right back at me and takes 2 more steps to the water. emoticon emoticon emoticon

I start laughing....he's got me.

So I went down to the water and we played, and noone noticed me in my suit...because I just blend in now. Well, not in my head, but I blend in more on the outside now. Really, the only thing people could criticize me of was being an active mom, playing and laughing too hard with my son in the waves.

I got us there and he got me out of my comfort zone...and we had fun...and even though it was only 2 hours, it was still a moment that I will not forget for a long time.

emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OAKBORN 6/26/2011 9:43PM

    He knows instinctively what you need... while you are wrapped up in your stuff! Kids can teach us so much!

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SUZYWM 6/23/2011 11:07AM

    Fabulous! Kids and the beach can be a great combination, and can make you feel carefree. I love to go, and used to take the kids when we were all crabby, worked like a magic elixir. I'm glad you got out there with your little one, and it sounds like he had some great mommy time. Bravo!

p.s. - I'll bet you looked mahhvelous!

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DWEXCEL 6/23/2011 6:54AM

    I think a picture would be in order! I'm so glad you had a wonderful day with your son! And I have a feeling, you will be going back again, soon!

Luv ya!
Donna emoticon

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TASOGAREBAN 6/21/2011 2:21PM

    Why would ANYONE criticize you for being a great mom?! Forget all that. YAY! I am so very jealous. I've been dying to go to the beach but if I'm not working then I have errands to run or the day is cruddy. I have not had a single chance and I am DYING to go!

Hope you had tons of fun!

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Getting back on track

Friday, June 17, 2011

Yuppers! I have been SO off track and off the radar here....it is NOT EVEN FUNNY!!! Things are slowing down a bit now that school is ending so, WHEW! I think I can finally breathe a bit easier!

I hate it when things get crazy, but crazy is what it has been for the last 2 months straight!

Anyway, back to the tracker I went today...feeling icky for a bit makes me think of my nutrition, and although it hasn't been horrendous, it certainly hasn't been stellar.

A Sparkbud asked me how I keep things in check a few blogs back...and my hubby is now figuring it out on his own as well now too. Getting back on track is just that...when the weekend/event/party/drama is over....well, it's over. Whatever you ate (& drank) is now finished....there is no beating up, there is no OMG I shouldn't have. You accept it as is...as LIFE, and you get right back on track with water and exercise and eating your "normal" the very next day.

I described this lifestyle change to another person as being a really really looooooong string of yarn.

The yarn, from far away, looks pretty darned good. Staight, clean, true.

Now come in close and really look at that yarn.

Up close, the yarn looks way different: there are knots, pills, crazy loopies that stick out, it's fuzzy and not so pretty....but it's still straight and keeps on going.

This lifestyle change is that yarn....you will have those knots & pills and crazy loopies, but in general, if you keep going according to the nutrition & exercise trackers....things will, in general, stay straight and true and things will keep going your way towards the healthier lifestyle that you want.

Be the yarn ....just don't tie yourself up in knots, that would be bad emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

OAKBORN 6/26/2011 9:41PM

    Again and again you pull out the best analogies and deep wisdom. Hats off to you!

I looped yesterday... it was quite the fuzzy... but it's okay.

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RAYLINSTEPHENS 6/18/2011 10:06AM

    great analogy.

like your yarn, life is loopy but we stay on track!

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REBECCATKD 6/17/2011 9:11PM

    Be the yarn...I will be the yarn.

Yarn it up with me, kiddo!

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LOOKINFIT1 6/17/2011 12:04PM

    We've had two crazy months as well. End of school and two ball teams to manage. Nutrition and exercise and home cooked suppers went out the window. It hasn't caught up with me until now, but my reserves are spent. I have reached a point though where I don't fret, I know this will pass and just the desire to get back to my old self helps. Thankfully next week should slow down.

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TASOGAREBAN 6/17/2011 10:41AM

    Interesting that you mention yarn up close being knotty and loopy, fuzzy and not so pretty! I actually think yarn up close is very pretty. I guess I'm one of those, "Finds pretty in disorder," types, rofl!

Well back on the wagon we go! I've been on it straight but this weekend is going downhill. BBQ food with the family for Father's Day! Tons of food, I'm making drinks and sangria for Yami plus probably junk food! But in the middle of it all I'll still be running around like crazy so I guess it kinda evens out? Or maybe I'll just choose to believe that.. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/17/2011 10:42:15 AM

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MRST92207 6/17/2011 10:36AM

  I have been struggling with leaving the "I cant believe I" in the past and moving on. My goal for this week is to just move forward.

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