Tuesday, March 25, 2008
I want to delete the previous blogs, but I won't because it's the truth of where I was recently and it shows that I am human
But being human is also showing compassion and empathy for others. I always try to count my blessings, and in reading some blogs and threads tonight, and then meeting a few new people in the last 2 days, I've felt the need to reflect.
I'm counting my blessings right now, and sending well wishes to everyone who needs them. I hope they realize that they are worth something, are loveable, and strong. I hope they find in their hearts the place where they love themselves. I hope they, in turn, count their own blessings and realize that there is always someone else in the world who has it just as bad, or maybe worse.
When you look at the world in the larger scope, even counting your blessings may seem futile...but they are all yours. to cherish and to hold, and sometimes it's the little things that make the day all worth while.
I met a woman today who's in her 40's, with no insurance at all, who has put her family and kids first her entire life. Now that she's at a turning point with her health, she's going to a clinic to get help. I commend her for her courage. She's embarassed about certain things, but she wants to put herself first now because she has to...from head to toe she want to change. A spark was in her - a little pilot light that was glowing steady, but not yet a steady flame. I reached out to that light in her and got a smile. I hestitated at first to do this to a complete stranger, but I think that the wheels were turning in her head already. If I can help her out, I'll try my best. The ball is in her court.
So sometimes, the little things in life are the best blessings to count. Whether it be a smile from a stranger, or a message board response you needed for affirmation. The scale can say all it wants. We are not made up of what the scale says, we are made up of much more.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Nothing like a slow day at work to keep you going crazy!
I wanted my routine back, instead, I got 2 kids with me at the office!! One has no school and the other is not himself - I think allergies are hitting him. The baby is in daycare, thank goodness. The office itself is SLOW today. Last week was busy and hopping, this week uber slow. And with the kids hanging out, it does not make the time fly by.
My stress eating is creeping up on me. I weighed myself on my dad's new digital scale...you'll never guess what I was looking at. 183!! Do I believe it? Is my scale that wrong at home? I weighed myself this morning and it was 171. I was so happy that I didn't gain, and then I went on that space age thing and I am so pissed off. I LOST 16 FREAKIN' POUNDS ON MY SCALE AT HOME!!! What the hell do I do know?? Change everything I know and logged in??? I know, I know...I've given the advice before. Keep going with what you know and use. But 13 pounds difference??? Was I 200 pounds when I started SP???
All I want to do is eat eat eat. I blew a ton of calories on lunch today, and I'm supposed to be on the TM right now, but I don't have the heart. My size 16 pants are big. I'm determined to get the one size 16 pants that are shrinking along with me to be loose one day. The size 14s are snug, 5 more pounds and I'm in them. The 1X jacket I own is huge. The XL clothes are fitting a little big now. I'm lost and confused as to the scale thing. 16 pounds is 16 pounds on any scale, right?
I am trying to listen to the calm sane side of my brain that gives advice to other people. It's hard when it's so close to home, you know? My logical side is pissed off, that's why.
OK, lunch break is over and I have to move. Dinner tonight is a salad. treadmill is tonight as well. I will overcome this battle. I will win, even if I feel defeated right now.
After Dinner addition:
So things are smoothed out now - I feel like I've been thru hell and back mentally. I'm sticking to what I know. That scale at home is my friend, the others - from the Devil himself. Talking with my sis helped a lot. My husband thinks I'm a loon right now - "duh, the scale at home is what you use, no matter what."
Good news - I didn't blow the whole day calorie wise after all...I had a salad and sweet potato for dinner and just made my calorie range at 1200. Talk about redemption. Now for penance for being an idiot...treadmill here come! (just kidding - I missed the thing today)
Monday, March 24, 2008
So Easter is over...and overall, not too bad on the choices I made, but I did indulge myself on having some chocolate and jelly beans, and 1 piece of dessert. That is my DOWNFALL - sweets. Those evil little things that call to me from the counter. They are all getting thrown out tomorrow morning. I like doing that because I have the power over them instead. My hubby loves the chips and food in general. He says I have to be stronger, like him. I want to scream when I hear that.
I am fine, until the desserts come out. I swear they talk. And my ass listens and gains five pounds just from me THINKING about them.
I - in general - hate holidays and the constant juggling that goes on between the families. All has to be "fair". One day, just ONE DAY, I want to be unfair and fly away to Disney World. I really don't care which holiday, just ONE will do. They'll live without us for one holiday.
I am a little pissy today as well. Hey, it happens. Probably something subconscoius going on that I just don't want to see. All I want to do is EAT. And today we've been very busy - played with the kids outside, even tried basketball for 20 minutes. I suck. But it got my heart rate up and I sweated a little, so that was good. We put up the pop-up camper to get it ready for the season, and that was fun. We even went to Kmart for storage bins and new pots and pans. Still... I want to EAT! And I drank my water too - the whole 8.
I have to do my strength training tonight still. That should be stress relieving for whatever stress is harbouring in my subconscious.
I usually feel better after I blog - and I usually don't like to bitch blog too much; but nobody's perfect, right? Oh well, this too shall pass.
Now I have to finish baths and put away the laundry. The house needs a pickup before the kids go to bed - nothing like getting the gang together for a mass clean-up.
Ho-hum...that's how I feel. I can't wait for my routine to get back in order tomorrow.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Why is it that when you want to have a good workout, it turns to crap and your legs are like lead?
Why is it that jumping jacks MADE my legs into chunks of lead?
Why is it that the jumping jacks were 4 days ago and the backs of my legs still hurt?
Why is it that everything (EVERYTHING!) I ate the last 2 days tasted like cardboard?
Why is it that some of the food I make for myself really stinks?
Why is it that my old sneakers with no tread are more appealing to me than my nice new Reeboks?
Why is it that this week was hard to do the message boards?
Why is Easter so damn early this year?
Nevermind - these thoughts shall pass away soon enough.
The GOOD THINGs OF THE DAY - I'm down 16 pounds!
I did 45 minutes on the TM even though it felt like torture today!
I played with my older son who was home from school!
I bought Easter clothes and shoes for all 3 boys!
My Hubby raked the leaves in 40mph wind gusts! Brave man
It's finally time for bed!
GOOD NIGHT!! :)
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Yup - I went there! A few years ago, I went there with the staff at the day care I use and the next day, the whole bunch of them were wearing new bras!
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT A NEW BRA????
It's not a rhetorical question. I'll tell you when I bought the last one. 3 years ago. Victoria's Secret. Purple with full coverage cup. Still have the thing, and wore it up until last month. I'd been surviving before that on nursing bras and/or the old stretched out ones that were quite unflattering, but when you are perpetually pregnant like me, you make do.
So 3 years ago - I gave the then 2 kids to hubby and disappeared into the mall. All was quiet in VS. I had the place to myself. Nirvana. The staff pounced on me immediately asking if I needed help, and I obliged them. I said, "The girls need some help. Some padding for shape might be good, a thicker band and at least 3 hooks is a must. I don't want to trip over these things any more." So the sprightly young kids got to work helping me out like Santa's elves. In turn, I entertained them thoroughly with my Joan Rivers sense of humor about kids and boobs, giving them the wisdom that they are never the same after you have a kid. Someday, they will remember me, when they are looking at their once perky boobs in the mirror and thinking, "God, that crazy lady was right."
But I digress, The purple beast is now taking a powder - permanently. She's retired - no longer fits, thank goodness. Another kid came along and she was semi-retired, and the good old nursing bras came out again. Those got the old heave-ho months ago. But then I had to dive back into "that drawer" that everyone has - you have one too, I'm sure of it. It's the one where the workout clothes go to hide when you are not working out, and the bras you love are hidden, waiting to make a comeback. I've had to dive into "that drawer" recently and it was so very sad.
I have a large collection of very sad looking bras. They were once in their glory with tight elastic and crisp clean colors. Somehow, over time and use, they have lost their pretty luster and elasticity. Kind of like my boobs.
I resort to my favorites, of course. The wash cycle kills them even faster and the rotation gets smaller and smaller, as slowly the poor things wither away (the bras, not my boobs, thank you very much).
And then there was one.
The favorite. It was my purple one for me. Loved that thing. I miss it so.
Since it's retirement, I had found some new old clothes that I didn't fit into and there was a new collection to rifle through. Brand new bras I had worn only a few times before the kids came along. What luck! I was just about to go out and visit the girls at VS for a new one when I struck gold. Some are a little tight, but I have a new favorite. The rotation is bigger and better now. After having such a meager selection before, I feel like a model. I can't wait to get to my goal weight because I am really going bra shopping and restocking the whole wardrobe. Maybe even matching underwear!
For me, shopping for bras is just like shopping for bathing suits. I'd just rather not. Now that the body is changing, maybe it won't be as bad.
So, look at your collection. It may be time to reevaluate those that give you the most support. They might be needing some help of their own. And your favorite (and you know you have one) may need to take a break too. It deserves a vacation and some new friends to hang out with in "that drawer."
In rereading this very long blog - the bra confession seems quite similar to other scenarios in life. How funny is that. Who knew.
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