Friday, November 18, 2011
Ever get into one of those toxic moods where every single word and thought is like poison???
I am in one of those moods....and I know exactly why.
It happens every time I don't get a break from the usual everyday crap...the endless drudgery of being a mom-volunteer-wife-accountant-cook-houseke
lver-busdriver and the husband gets to leave the house to go to work, change things up by going away for the weekend (twice now this month, even though it is because he has to for training or hunting season), and hang with the guys on monday night football.
Yes, I am jealous. Pissy poisony jealous. Why? because THIS is my weekend coming up:
- kids on bus
- mop kitchen floor because a kid spilled an entire glass over EVERYthing in a 4 foot radius of himself.
- finish cleaning the upstairs bathroom
- laundry because NOONE has socks (if they only put them in the upstairs hampers they would have socks)
- make a target for pack night tonight because I cannot find the one from last year (of course!)
- clean the house in general because that is what goes on on Fridays
- Go out and get birthday gifts for tomorrow (don't overspend, have to keep a budget - just another added stress)
- pickup kids at busstop
- feed them
- Cubscout pack night tonight where I have to bring ALL of them, by myself, orchestrate a bunch of people because heaven forbid! someone else opens their mouths to keep things in order...all with my own 3 kids getting neglected by me because I have to do this job that somehow frazzles other people....all it does to me is get me pissy and furious.
- take a pie in the face at pack night because one of my scouts earned it by selling popcorn
- get kids home and to bed - at which point it will be 9:30 pm because HEAVEN FORBID these functions are short, sweet and to the point.
- with kids in tow - go to work at 8am
- Coverage already gotten from 8:45am to 10:15am to bring my youngest to his last soccer game of the year, at which I will freeze my arse off.
- head back to work to finish up the morning, where (guaranteed) my kids will start immediately whining that they are hungry and want lunch, like yesterday!
- 12-ish head home to feed kids & hang out
- 2pm - kiddie bowling birthday party! (at least here they will be fed pizza - early dinner! yay!)
- 5pm...another guaranteed moment - kids will want dinner #2 - oy!
- 6pm by this point in the day, I will have my pjs on and be sitting on the couch.
Go ahead - LAUGH at the predictability of it all. Go ahead! But here is the thing....I know this scenario well....it has been played out before, just like my pissy poison mood because I am left alone to do all this crap once again while my husband gets to have a change of scenery.
Really, that is all I want...a change of scenery and company. It really is not much to ask for is it? but it IS when you have the next month scheduled to what it seems like, the minute of every day....to the point of when it STOPS, you go "what do I do now with myself???"
I HATE these times. Makes me want to scream and stomp my feet and have a big-arsed tantrum like a two year old. Speaking of which, I did do a little bit today in front of the kids (not a good thing) and my behavior last night dropping the truck off at my in-laws was less than warm. All I wanted to do last night was to eat dinner and put on my pjs...but noooooo, we had to go have a visit instead of a quick drop-off because that is the right thing to do. I have never been this pissy in front of them, so I opened my mouth to leave earlier than they expected. It really has taken a lot of evergy NOT to scream at my husband "Don't go!" and verbally give him the diarrhea I just spewed out above.
It is selfish, I know. It SOUNDS selfish just writing it out like this, but it is what it is. It is POISON that I have to get out and right now, I feel like there is NOONE that I can spew it too except for you guys here on Spark. I DON'T complain on FB...I hate the people that do that.....where every single thing they post is negative. My BFF is away too...she went to Paris on business - another added bit of jealousy oozing out of my pores on that one there too....which means I cannot just give her a ring to vent and texting is just not satisfying.
And here's the other thing that annoys me: sure, I get out of the house for meetings once in a while...but they are OBLIGATIONS and not exactly what I WANT to do...it is what I HAVE TO do. A part of life...once again rearing it's ugly head.
So here I am...trying to vent this poison.
I'm debating on even posting this.....but I think I will....it is true and where I am right now. I don't want to eat....seriously, I have wanted to have some wine every night, but again, I am not going that route because I have my reunion in a week - to that I will be going non-bloated by alcohol consumption. I have gone so far as to not even have any in the house and to decline it at dinner with my in-laws the other night. Maybe that is why I am so pissy too....I am denying one of my small pleasures because of a stupid reunion that is AFTER Thanksgiving....one of the biggest eating days of the year! ROFL Am I a fool or what???? But still, I want to go into that room feeling good...not with post-turkey/wine bloat and gassy. I have that goal in sight...oh, yeah, and the 5K - I have to feel good to try and run that thing properly. Wine is just not worth it right now....but I do miss having a glass to unwind on the crazy days. (and don't go worrying about me - I am not an alcholic, but again, it sort of reads that I am! ROFL!)
OK - starting to feel a bit more sane now. Hubby has to go away with his dad hunting this weekend - it's their thing that has been a longtime coming. And he HAD to go to overnight training 2 weekends ago. I know for a fact that he is a home-body and would rather be with me & the kids, but this stuff is good for him in the long run....same thing with the Monday night football...he needs his friends.
But I guess...so do I right?
I'm thinking that when the BFF gets back from Paris, we do a girls night out...and my h.s BFFs I will be seeing next week - which will be here before I know it.
I just have to get through these 48 hours....of which a grand total of 10 are really not what I would want to do. I can rationalize that. I have to - I have no choice.
OK - off to start my day.
Thanks for "listening"
Monday, November 14, 2011
The last thing I wanted to do today was rake leaves...but since the weather was so nice and mild (around 65) I decided that that was the thing to get done today, especially since it seems we don't have as many leaves as last year - peace of cake right? Well, sort of....
Off I went, with cup of coffee in hand, gloves in the other...gathered all the tools needed, set the iPod to shuffle and started to get dirty....and then, the thoughts kept creeping in.
Name the thought...I think I thunk it today in the last 2 hours while raking and bagging leaves. Mind you, it is NOT immaculate like other people's yards, but at least I got it started.
So here is the scene: Curb side leaves...MY leaves from MY tree that make the road look like crud that I shamefully admit, we did not rake up last year - but the snow plows did a great job this past winter for us (LoL). These leaves are not...going...anywhere. They are matted...stuck...wet...nasty....and they look terrible. About 50 feet to do - about 2 feet side. Lovely. So I begin.
As I am plugging away at this strip of ick....foot by foot...the local 80 year old lady is out for her walk. You can find her, on a nice day, all around town. I say, "hello - it's a nice day for a walk." as I keep raking/scraping and she kindly answers, "Yes, it is...boy that's a lot of work you have there." I just keep raking, and say "yeah, but it is too nice of a day to let the opportunity go by to do this...so here I am."
From that point on...the little old lady went up and down my side of the block for the next hour.
And I kept raking...foot by foot...bag by bag...until I reached the end.
All the while I was thinking: if I just keep going a bit at a time, it will get done...good golly, I hate this, but if I keep at it, it will get done....just like losing weight...just like anything else in life.
Finally I finished the curb and lugged out the 15 other bags from the back of the yard...upon which I said to the little old lady, "Thank you for keeping me company while I raked."
To which she replied: "I took all of my will power to get out here and walk today...I'm glad I did."
And then we parted ways.
Unexpected words out fo the mouth of a little old lady.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
So thanks to some cold & sinus meds, I actually feel like a human again!!! So much so that I got a Leslie Sansone walk in without keeling over...honestly I felt pretty strong! Cool!
So November is here and I can actually say that I am glad that October is over. With Halloween parties and too much drama with people in general, I am glad to turn the page of the calendar into November. New months are neat - so clean, so uncluttered with crud. Makes starting over a bit easier, if one needs to start over.
Speaking of starting over (which I'm not really, but the subject makes me think of why I started this journey in the first place) - I was thinking of this 20 year high school reunion of mine coming up the day after Thanksgiving. I just realized today that I have subconsiously been putting pressure on myself to look good for this event....and you know what? when I do that? I fail. I did the same exact thing for my own wedding (started eating badly out of bad habits anyway), all of the weddings I have been in (I most recently noticed it with my youngest sister's wedding back in May) - all fancy dresses fit sungly, and yet, I had this underlying feeling that they could have fit better if I took care of myself - LOVED myself - better a few weeks before the event.
The result of this subconsious behavior is that I tend to stop taking care of myself on the most basic of levels....and that in turn, makes one not feel so good about several things: one's body image, one's body actually not feeling so good - literally & figuratively, and thus a dip in one's self esteem that really had been brought up high, but now is being beaten down on a different level entirely.
I have to point out that I am talking about past AND present thinking...the past is linked directly to the present on many levels - the key is to learn from the mistakes of the past...and this is a learning moment for me.
OK - I need to give examples of what I tend to do when I get in these funks:
- stop weighing myself daily (because if I don't see the damage from the food I ate, of course it didn't happen)
- stop lotioning my legs (yes, believe it or not, I don't pamper myself like I do when I feel good about how I treat my body/temple)
- stop washing my face at night (yup, this is a sign that a little bit of self-loathing is coming into the picture)
These things are so small....yet so significant. For me, they are the windows into past depression behaviors - depression behaviors that I have figured out, but DO tend to creep in from time to time during the year.
OK enough self-psychobabble - back to the upcoming reunion issue at hand.
I have decided that if the reunion were tomorrow, I would have to go into it feeling like I do today - not so great as to how I have treated my body in terms of eating correctly. I can honestly say that being active and exercising has been pretty darned good...it's my food that is off this time.
This reunion is NOT about looking fabulous for a past boyfriend either - I did not date anyone in high school, so that is a mute point.
This reunion is NOT about proving to people that I had been heavy in h.s and now I am thin. Yes, I am thinner than I was in high school, but the general public on FB has yet to see a 'before' pic of me. Yes, I get compliments that I look better than in h.s. from my family, but again, they saw me everyday, these people do not.
The reunion is about feeling a part of something bigger - of going through those similar times in ones youth and coming out OK with a healthy and happy family - regardless of set backs and trials and tribulations that life throws at every single person in the world. Not everyone is going to have a terrific career...not everyone will be able to say they have kids, or have stayed married...but everyone going is there to reconnect and share a moment in their lives.
Well.....that is how I am going to go into this thing.
I was NOT popular - I was the geek, the funny friend if you were in my circle...the quiet mouse who was the observer of things going on around me. I was Switzerland (a neutral observer) when people got into fights...the ear that people talked to. The 4 to 8 people going that I want to see are people I don't get to see all the time....my 2 bffs from h.s. I see at least once a year, and it will be fun to experience this with them. For me, it's more of a FB reunion than anything at this point.
So going into this month - it is NOT about how I am going to look on that day....it is how healthy I feel instead. The little black sheath dress is in the closet waiting to be worn. The black patent leather stilettos are shined up. The jewelry has been picked out. All that is left is to FEEL good - and that begins with tracking and taking care NOW so I am AOK for that weekend.
(I think I should note to new people reading this that if I do NOT eat right, my body revolts...kinda like a dam bursting forth a cumulative bunch of ick all at one time - eating right means that I do not get that cumulative buildup of ick - yes, my own terminolgy once again at play here - LOL - what can I say, I know my body well now - another pro to Sparking for years!)
I have been lucky as to have a few reunions with people on individual levels over the last few years...they have been wonderful!!! I am looking forward to more...there is just something about reconnecting that makes one feel like you touched someone's life in a nice way.
I never started this journey into good health for a reunion either.....I did it for myself and my family - now THAT is what it is about. I've stated from the beginning that if I got thinner because I took care of myself then that would be a bonus, that is all (I just read that in my page intro again - no joke!)....and you know what? Sometimes I have to remind myself of that when I put pressure on myself for something so frivolous as looking good for an event. Even if I were at another number on the scale, I would go in smiling with the knowledge that I have a happy and healthy family and that is the most important thing in the world to me.
Ok - long blog is over and done with....feeling better about my healthy plan for 'self-love reunion hotness' LoL I also have my first 5K to do on Thanksgiving Day....so the exercise is surely to be AOK. Now - back to tracking my nutrition...being off for a month is a bit too long for me...time to start fresh with some fresh fruits & veggies!
Monday, October 31, 2011
I'm on day 4 of a raging sinus headache.
I cannot even express how icky this thing is being...I actually thought it was going away last night too! Of ALL things! To actually think that I would have some relief so I could run outside once again! But alas, it is not so, so on the couch I will go again today...for a little bit at least...like right after this blog entry is sent off! LoL
I have to thank a bunch of you for checking in on me the last few weeks...my goodness! It's been a rough 2 months here & there, and I haven't been a true Sparker doing my usual visits...spotty action is more like it really...so thanks for sticking with me. and rooting me on, even in my silence!
OK - time to make some hot water with lemon and honey...seems to be the only thing that works the last few days....oh, and the whiskey, that has helped Yup, I discovered the hot toddy and it tastes just like the powdered cold & flu medicine that you buy in those packets at the drugstore! Don't worry, I have to go to the elementary school later in the day, so the whiskey will be for after the trick or treating later tonight!
Was wondering....since it IS Halloween and all...maybe a zombie will oblige me and eat part of my brain that is being so troublesome lately....now, that would be a treat at this point!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Confession time: I have a tendency to start things and never finish them.
Well, except for this weightloss/maintenance thing. I finally found something I am good at after all these years! LoL
But in general, I am not very good at starting what I finish. I have GREAT intentions, I do research, I go go go until I burn out....and then....I stop dead in my tracks.
This is in regard to my schooling - I started 2 online courses in March 2010 in Microbiology and Organic Chem and was so burnt by June, I took 2 months off, that went into 6 months....that is now over a year and a half over due in it's completion.
Do I even give myself credit for finishing and getting an A in another course last Sept on Anatomy & Physiology?...no, not right now...I am too upset with myself for delaying these other 2 courses.
Today I ripped off the bandaid and logged into My Blackboard that holds my courses. On one was an email from August saying that time was running out. On this course, all I have to do is cram and take the final for pete's sake!!!!!! As you can imagine, I sent off a fast email right back begging for more time....I hope I get a positive response back. In the meantime, I guess I will dust off the textbook and get to reading & relearning right? eeesh. right.
I am SO mad at myself for putting this off. It seems that I can only focus on one big thing at a time....and when the other course with it's lovely scheduled tests came along, that was a beautiful thing for me to do (I like being told what to do sometimes, it requires less effort to think I guess).....and then I took another break after that ended and scouts came along and I was once again distracted.
I have only myself to blame if I just threw away a few thousand dollars and hundreds of study hours all due to my scatterbrain.
Another confession: I am scared to take the final exams. Imagine yourself teaching yourself organic chemistry??? and microbiology??? Scary stuff even within a classroom setting at the age of 18 or 20 or 24! and at 37/38 years of age to boot...am I nuts? I'm scared that I have lost it. The A from the other class mean bupkiss when faced with these 2 subjects.
See how my excuses come out of the woodwork??? I'm great at justifying my weaknesses aren't I.
I need to finish what I started this time around. 2 years ago, I have never wanted anything so much as a career in nutrition! The passion is still there, but my fire has dimmed. I need a career that will take me into my 60s for pete's sake! I need to help people because darn it, I am really good at it. You know the commercial from way back when, when a job interviewer asks the applicant's strong points and every answer was "I'm a people person." over and over again....well, that is me. I'm a people person, I need to be around people. But I need to be proficient in another profession....and that means to go back to school....and finish.
Well, the first step towards finishing these 2 courses has been made.
Now to calm my nerves, gather my scatterbrain, and make a daily study plan so that I can balance everything and not burn out. It can be done....others I know have done it, why not me??
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