ANNIEONLI   50,742
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Yay! I made it through!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

AS an answer to my "Poison" blog from yesterday.

I made it through the 48 hours...and just got home from today's events a half hour ago....Pretty unscathed and pretty much what I had predicted in yesterday's blog. Like I said, I know my kids and their routine.

What I didn't expect was to have my youngest constantly complain that he was STAAAARRRRVVVING!!! at the birthday party a half hour into the thing....for another hour I had to give him some soda sips, some ice and then, when pizza finally came - it was one tiny measly slice that my oldest almost verbalized before I gave him the evil stare of "beggars can't be choosers" and "you get what you get and you don't get upset" look. yeah, after the pizza was inhaled, I had to deal with another set of "i want more's" in a more private off to the side conversation (ahem...meltdown/zone of shame)....but we made it though and left....and went to buy our own pizza at the pizzeria! LoL Meh, it happens. Can't control a party or a ravenous bunch of 5 year olds, now can we? emoticon

So now...I am here...still no wine in hand, although I WAS tempted to go and get some....but I see a bigger picture in sight: no bloat for Friday!! I like that....I am sticking to it. Not gonna happen if it ain't in the house. Honestly, the weekly cup here and there did leave a bigger bloat than I had thought now that I am 2 weeks without and seeing the difference. Wish I had figured this one out before my sister's wedding last May! LoL Hey, we live and we learn. emoticon

So that is that. Kids are happy now that they have been fed. The Hunter has yet to get anything....or see anything for that matter. My kids are totally awesome little people who are getting the fact that mommy gets stressed and they can help out in their own ways to make things better - they are good kids....they make me proud. emoticon

And now I am off to put on some pjs and do my strength training in a few.
Thanks for listening on that last blog...goes to show that "this too shall pass"

and why haven't I tattoo'd that on my body yet??? emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZYWM 12/12/2011 12:43AM

    Yay!!! Great job Mamasan! emoticon

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SASSYSACY 11/22/2011 10:15AM

    Way to go Annie!

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OAKSHAVEN 11/20/2011 11:30AM

    PJs and relaxation sound like a good thing. Glad you are feeling more like yourself.

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DWEXCEL 11/20/2011 6:52AM


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VENISEW1 11/19/2011 7:55PM

    Love it, pj &ST emoticon

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OAKBORN 11/19/2011 6:09PM

    You are my hero today! Go Mama!

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Ever get into one of those toxic moods where every single word and thought is like poison???

I am in one of those moods....and I know exactly why.

It happens every time I don't get a break from the usual everyday crap...the endless drudgery of being a mom-volunteer-wife-accountant-cook-houseke
lver-busdriver and the husband gets to leave the house to go to work, change things up by going away for the weekend (twice now this month, even though it is because he has to for training or hunting season), and hang with the guys on monday night football.

Yes, I am jealous. Pissy poisony jealous. Why? because THIS is my weekend coming up:
- kids on bus
- mop kitchen floor because a kid spilled an entire glass over EVERYthing in a 4 foot radius of himself.
- finish cleaning the upstairs bathroom
- laundry because NOONE has socks (if they only put them in the upstairs hampers they would have socks)
- make a target for pack night tonight because I cannot find the one from last year (of course!)
- clean the house in general because that is what goes on on Fridays
- Go out and get birthday gifts for tomorrow (don't overspend, have to keep a budget - just another added stress)
- pickup kids at busstop
- feed them
- Cubscout pack night tonight where I have to bring ALL of them, by myself, orchestrate a bunch of people because heaven forbid! someone else opens their mouths to keep things in order...all with my own 3 kids getting neglected by me because I have to do this job that somehow frazzles other people....all it does to me is get me pissy and furious.
- take a pie in the face at pack night because one of my scouts earned it by selling popcorn
- get kids home and to bed - at which point it will be 9:30 pm because HEAVEN FORBID these functions are short, sweet and to the point.

- with kids in tow - go to work at 8am
- Coverage already gotten from 8:45am to 10:15am to bring my youngest to his last soccer game of the year, at which I will freeze my arse off.
- head back to work to finish up the morning, where (guaranteed) my kids will start immediately whining that they are hungry and want lunch, like yesterday!
- 12-ish head home to feed kids & hang out
- 2pm - kiddie bowling birthday party! (at least here they will be fed pizza - early dinner! yay!)
- 5pm...another guaranteed moment - kids will want dinner #2 - oy!
- 6pm by this point in the day, I will have my pjs on and be sitting on the couch.

Go ahead - LAUGH at the predictability of it all. Go ahead! But here is the thing....I know this scenario has been played out before, just like my pissy poison mood because I am left alone to do all this crap once again while my husband gets to have a change of scenery.

Really, that is all I want...a change of scenery and company. It really is not much to ask for is it? but it IS when you have the next month scheduled to what it seems like, the minute of every the point of when it STOPS, you go "what do I do now with myself???"

I HATE these times. Makes me want to scream and stomp my feet and have a big-arsed tantrum like a two year old. Speaking of which, I did do a little bit today in front of the kids (not a good thing) and my behavior last night dropping the truck off at my in-laws was less than warm. All I wanted to do last night was to eat dinner and put on my pjs...but noooooo, we had to go have a visit instead of a quick drop-off because that is the right thing to do. I have never been this pissy in front of them, so I opened my mouth to leave earlier than they expected. It really has taken a lot of evergy NOT to scream at my husband "Don't go!" and verbally give him the diarrhea I just spewed out above.

It is selfish, I know. It SOUNDS selfish just writing it out like this, but it is what it is. It is POISON that I have to get out and right now, I feel like there is NOONE that I can spew it too except for you guys here on Spark. I DON'T complain on FB...I hate the people that do that.....where every single thing they post is negative. My BFF is away too...she went to Paris on business - another added bit of jealousy oozing out of my pores on that one there too....which means I cannot just give her a ring to vent and texting is just not satisfying.

And here's the other thing that annoys me: sure, I get out of the house for meetings once in a while...but they are OBLIGATIONS and not exactly what I WANT to is what I HAVE TO do. A part of life...once again rearing it's ugly head.

So here I am...trying to vent this poison.

I'm debating on even posting this.....but I think I is true and where I am right now. I don't want to eat....seriously, I have wanted to have some wine every night, but again, I am not going that route because I have my reunion in a week - to that I will be going non-bloated by alcohol consumption. I have gone so far as to not even have any in the house and to decline it at dinner with my in-laws the other night. Maybe that is why I am so pissy too....I am denying one of my small pleasures because of a stupid reunion that is AFTER of the biggest eating days of the year! ROFL Am I a fool or what???? But still, I want to go into that room feeling good...not with post-turkey/wine bloat and gassy. I have that goal in sight...oh, yeah, and the 5K - I have to feel good to try and run that thing properly. Wine is just not worth it right now....but I do miss having a glass to unwind on the crazy days. (and don't go worrying about me - I am not an alcholic, but again, it sort of reads that I am! ROFL!)

OK - starting to feel a bit more sane now. Hubby has to go away with his dad hunting this weekend - it's their thing that has been a longtime coming. And he HAD to go to overnight training 2 weekends ago. I know for a fact that he is a home-body and would rather be with me & the kids, but this stuff is good for him in the long run....same thing with the Monday night football...he needs his friends.

But I do I right?

I'm thinking that when the BFF gets back from Paris, we do a girls night out...and my h.s BFFs I will be seeing next week - which will be here before I know it.

I just have to get through these 48 hours....of which a grand total of 10 are really not what I would want to do. I can rationalize that. I have to - I have no choice.

OK - off to start my day.
Thanks for "listening"

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUZYWM 12/12/2011 12:40AM

    So proud of you for writing this out! I understand - even when we're doing things for those we really, really love, it can be so . . . tiresome. You need a moment or several hundred moments for yourself. Just for fun and peace and whatever. Will keep reading (I'm catching up), hoping you had a great 5K on T-Day and a fun time at the reunion!

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OAKSHAVEN 11/19/2011 6:02PM

    I'm not there anymore, but I remember being exhausted for years when my kids were young. I remember bursting into tears when our minister at the time took one look at me as I turned up as chaperone for a church school outing, and told me to go home, that she would make it happen and bring my kids home. It meant so much to have that few hours when I didn't "have to" or "need to". Hang in there. They will grow up, it will get better. In the meantime, if there is any way you can dump the kids on DH or the grandparents and just LEAVE for a few hours, I recommend it. You will be better off for it, and so will they.

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REBECCATKD 11/19/2011 4:50PM

    Always listening! Your post is a reminder that being home does NOT mean sitting around eating bonbons and getting massages all day long. I hit my "poison" level in mid-June when I am newly home for the summer and my husband says, "Since you're home today, can you take the dog to the vet, get an oil change, buy me some new jeans, pick up a gallon of milk..." I just smile benignly and ignore it -- and then take the kids to soccer, gymnastics, the library, etc.


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DWEXCEL 11/19/2011 7:03AM

    Wow! I feel better having "listened" to you, and I hope you do too!

First, know, you are NOT the only person who feels this way, as you can see from some of your comments.

Second, it is good to let it out! Exercise is a very good outlet for this kind of "poison", and I do agree it is poison. The person who said house cleaning is great for this is absolutely correct! Have you ever tried kick-boxing? It's a great outlet for this too, and quite fun, I might add.

Running a 5K? I didn't know you were doing that! Good for you--awesome!

And, Third, and this is the one that really makes me mad. I don't have any kids at home, but I am still busy with meals, laundry, where's my golf socks, where's my golf shirt, errands, cleaning, putting up, putting know the drill.......Any the DH acts like I don't ever do anything!!!!!!!

Anyway, your Blog today has inspired me to get back to my blogging. Been away from it for a few months. But time to reel that one back in too!

Luv ya, and take care!
Donna emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANNIEONLI 11/18/2011 5:56PM

    Thanks for the support guys....I don't seem to be the only one in town feeling this way...every mom I now is stressing out!!! One thinks it is the holidays coming up that is triggering all the mentalness we have going on! LOL I like that theory!

Went for a run btw - feeling a little better, but still, I really just want this day to end already!!

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OAKBORN 11/18/2011 1:43PM

    Gee, I have NEVER felt that way! (tongue firmly in cheek here).

It's okay to get it out, it's okay to feel that way, it's okay to want some time for yourself, it's okay to stop.... did you hear that?! IT'S OKAY!

Everyone needs a "stop" day that belongs just to them, a day where you "don't have to", a day where you don't have to answer to anybody, a day to stay in your jammies and eat chocolate chip cookies all day... and it's all okay.

Being "on" and "having to" all the time makes me cranky, so I can't imagine others don't have those moments too!

I know you are an amazing mom, but sometimes being amazing can make you kind of tired. So if you will accept yourself being a little "less than amazing" once in awhile, that too will be OKAY! Let it flow, take your moments to breathe and just remember that you have a couple of great BFF breaks coming soon...

I'd send you a plane ticket to Missouri if I could... then I could show you my favorite place ever... it's where I have to go every year to breathe.

Hang in there, drop me a line if you need anything... and btw, what color(s) is your kitchen?

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STSCOTT11 11/18/2011 10:36AM

    Your entitled to GET IT OUT.
Focus on the positive.
REMEMBER all your blessings big and small.
THAT will certainly put a smile on your face.
Don't think of your chores and WHAT THEY ARE...think about the joy it brings to your family to have such a hardworking devoted mother & wife. How your giving your kids the kind of things that will set them up in many ways through your daily duties to be happy, loving citizens when they grow up.
Think of cleaning as exercise...just another drop in the bucket toward having better stamina...things LIKE THAT.
It helps me.
If that doesn't work...write another blog and I will think of something else. emoticon

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FITKAT62 11/18/2011 9:48AM

    It reminds me of my life 10 years ago. Things get easier as the kids get older. When I look back I wonder how I did it all and kept my sanity.

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Didn't want to, but...

Monday, November 14, 2011

The last thing I wanted to do today was rake leaves...but since the weather was so nice and mild (around 65) I decided that that was the thing to get done today, especially since it seems we don't have as many leaves as last year - peace of cake right? Well, sort of....

Off I went, with cup of coffee in hand, gloves in the other...gathered all the tools needed, set the iPod to shuffle and started to get dirty....and then, the thoughts kept creeping in.

Name the thought...I think I thunk it today in the last 2 hours while raking and bagging leaves. Mind you, it is NOT immaculate like other people's yards, but at least I got it started.

So here is the scene: Curb side leaves...MY leaves from MY tree that make the road look like crud that I shamefully admit, we did not rake up last year - but the snow plows did a great job this past winter for us (LoL). These leaves are not...going...anywhere. They are matted...stuck...wet...nasty....and they look terrible. About 50 feet to do - about 2 feet side. Lovely. So I begin.

As I am plugging away at this strip of ick....foot by foot...the local 80 year old lady is out for her walk. You can find her, on a nice day, all around town. I say, "hello - it's a nice day for a walk." as I keep raking/scraping and she kindly answers, "Yes, it is...boy that's a lot of work you have there." I just keep raking, and say "yeah, but it is too nice of a day to let the opportunity go by to do here I am."

From that point on...the little old lady went up and down my side of the block for the next hour.

And I kept raking...foot by foot...bag by bag...until I reached the end.

All the while I was thinking: if I just keep going a bit at a time, it will get done...good golly, I hate this, but if I keep at it, it will get done....just like losing weight...just like anything else in life.

Finally I finished the curb and lugged out the 15 other bags from the back of the yard...upon which I said to the little old lady, "Thank you for keeping me company while I raked."

To which she replied: "I took all of my will power to get out here and walk today...I'm glad I did."

And then we parted ways.

Unexpected words out fo the mouth of a little old lady.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYBETH_OHIO 11/16/2011 1:48PM

    Oh bless her heart she needed you just like you needed her , and to think she was 80 years old and she was out walking.. And you did it you got it done..

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REBECCATKD 11/15/2011 9:59PM

    Great lesson about willpower! I was assuming that the old lady walked for enjoyment only. To think, some of these die-hard exercisers we see need to force themselves into workouts, just like us.
BTW, I love that you had your coffee in hand to start the job. Classic!

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DWEXCEL 11/15/2011 7:40AM

    Wow! That says it all :)

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LOOKINFIT1 11/14/2011 6:09PM

    LOVE IT!!!

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OAKSHAVEN 11/14/2011 3:56PM

    What a neat story. I am glad both of you had the willpower to get out and get at it.

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OAKBORN 11/14/2011 3:52PM

    You did and she did and it was good for the both of you!


All things are relative...

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JSPIN74 11/14/2011 3:18PM

    sweeeet emoticon

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Reunion Revelations

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

So thanks to some cold & sinus meds, I actually feel like a human again!!! So much so that I got a Leslie Sansone walk in without keeling over...honestly I felt pretty strong! Cool!

So November is here and I can actually say that I am glad that October is over. With Halloween parties and too much drama with people in general, I am glad to turn the page of the calendar into November. New months are neat - so clean, so uncluttered with crud. Makes starting over a bit easier, if one needs to start over.

Speaking of starting over (which I'm not really, but the subject makes me think of why I started this journey in the first place) - I was thinking of this 20 year high school reunion of mine coming up the day after Thanksgiving. I just realized today that I have subconsiously been putting pressure on myself to look good for this event....and you know what? when I do that? I fail. I did the same exact thing for my own wedding (started eating badly out of bad habits anyway), all of the weddings I have been in (I most recently noticed it with my youngest sister's wedding back in May) - all fancy dresses fit sungly, and yet, I had this underlying feeling that they could have fit better if I took care of myself - LOVED myself - better a few weeks before the event.

The result of this subconsious behavior is that I tend to stop taking care of myself on the most basic of levels....and that in turn, makes one not feel so good about several things: one's body image, one's body actually not feeling so good - literally & figuratively, and thus a dip in one's self esteem that really had been brought up high, but now is being beaten down on a different level entirely.

I have to point out that I am talking about past AND present thinking...the past is linked directly to the present on many levels - the key is to learn from the mistakes of the past...and this is a learning moment for me.

OK - I need to give examples of what I tend to do when I get in these funks:
- stop weighing myself daily (because if I don't see the damage from the food I ate, of course it didn't happen)
- stop lotioning my legs (yes, believe it or not, I don't pamper myself like I do when I feel good about how I treat my body/temple)
- stop washing my face at night (yup, this is a sign that a little bit of self-loathing is coming into the picture)

These things are so small....yet so significant. For me, they are the windows into past depression behaviors - depression behaviors that I have figured out, but DO tend to creep in from time to time during the year.

OK enough self-psychobabble - back to the upcoming reunion issue at hand.
I have decided that if the reunion were tomorrow, I would have to go into it feeling like I do today - not so great as to how I have treated my body in terms of eating correctly. I can honestly say that being active and exercising has been pretty darned's my food that is off this time.

This reunion is NOT about looking fabulous for a past boyfriend either - I did not date anyone in high school, so that is a mute point.

This reunion is NOT about proving to people that I had been heavy in h.s and now I am thin. Yes, I am thinner than I was in high school, but the general public on FB has yet to see a 'before' pic of me. Yes, I get compliments that I look better than in h.s. from my family, but again, they saw me everyday, these people do not.

The reunion is about feeling a part of something bigger - of going through those similar times in ones youth and coming out OK with a healthy and happy family - regardless of set backs and trials and tribulations that life throws at every single person in the world. Not everyone is going to have a terrific career...not everyone will be able to say they have kids, or have stayed married...but everyone going is there to reconnect and share a moment in their lives.

Well.....that is how I am going to go into this thing.

I was NOT popular - I was the geek, the funny friend if you were in my circle...the quiet mouse who was the observer of things going on around me. I was Switzerland (a neutral observer) when people got into fights...the ear that people talked to. The 4 to 8 people going that I want to see are people I don't get to see all the 2 bffs from h.s. I see at least once a year, and it will be fun to experience this with them. For me, it's more of a FB reunion than anything at this point.

So going into this month - it is NOT about how I am going to look on that is how healthy I feel instead. The little black sheath dress is in the closet waiting to be worn. The black patent leather stilettos are shined up. The jewelry has been picked out. All that is left is to FEEL good - and that begins with tracking and taking care NOW so I am AOK for that weekend.

(I think I should note to new people reading this that if I do NOT eat right, my body revolts...kinda like a dam bursting forth a cumulative bunch of ick all at one time - eating right means that I do not get that cumulative buildup of ick - yes, my own terminolgy once again at play here - LOL - what can I say, I know my body well now - another pro to Sparking for years!)

I have been lucky as to have a few reunions with people on individual levels over the last few years...they have been wonderful!!! I am looking forward to more...there is just something about reconnecting that makes one feel like you touched someone's life in a nice way.

I never started this journey into good health for a reunion either.....I did it for myself and my family - now THAT is what it is about. I've stated from the beginning that if I got thinner because I took care of myself then that would be a bonus, that is all (I just read that in my page intro again - no joke!)....and you know what? Sometimes I have to remind myself of that when I put pressure on myself for something so frivolous as looking good for an event. Even if I were at another number on the scale, I would go in smiling with the knowledge that I have a happy and healthy family and that is the most important thing in the world to me.

Ok - long blog is over and done with....feeling better about my healthy plan for 'self-love reunion hotness' LoL I also have my first 5K to do on Thanksgiving the exercise is surely to be AOK. Now - back to tracking my nutrition...being off for a month is a bit too long for me...time to start fresh with some fresh fruits & veggies!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DWEXCEL 11/2/2011 7:26AM

    Ohhhhh Annie, I'm so glad to see you are back! I just love how your mind works.

I know I've been on some self-sabotage journey since September, and just reading your stuff, really is ringing through to me.

I love how you analyze things, and how you can break things down into small, significant bits.

I missed my 30th reunion, but our class is working on a 35 year for next year, and I really hope to be able to make this time. Looking back at our 10 year one, I remember almost, not going, because I had gained a lot of weight. I had been homecoming royalty for basketball (and maybe 110 pounds), and was really not wanting to see these people. Long story short--I got down to 140, and I almost backed out even at the last minute. I did go, and I ended up having a wonderful time. I didn't worry too much about my weight for my 20th, but I was probably right around 140, and I took my husband with me, and I had a wonderful time. So I was really bummed about missing the 30th. Thanks to FB, I feel like I am in a "constant" class reunion, and I have enjoyed it immensely!

So, relax, and have a great time. I know you will love it! And looking forward to your after Blog!

Love ya!

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NIKKIG125 11/1/2011 11:15PM

    I am super glad that October is over! I avoid the exact same things when I'm in a funk! I'm looking forward to a month of healthy eating, working out and actually caring enough about myself to put some lotion on and wash my face!!
Have a great day!

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OAKBORN 11/1/2011 12:30PM

    You are so "on it"! You go girl! I love how clear you are with yourself and about yourself!

I understand the geek thing... except my entire group was geeky... but I get being everyone's shoulder too. (Such a loud & clear message).

You will knock 'em dead (in the best meaning possible) at the reunion! Go and have a GREAT time!

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Raging sinus headache..not a treat

Monday, October 31, 2011

I'm on day 4 of a raging sinus headache.

Happy Halloween! emoticon

I cannot even express how icky this thing is being...I actually thought it was going away last night too! Of ALL things! To actually think that I would have some relief so I could run outside once again! But alas, it is not so, so on the couch I will go again today...for a little bit at right after this blog entry is sent off! LoL

I have to thank a bunch of you for checking in on me the last few goodness! It's been a rough 2 months here & there, and I haven't been a true Sparker doing my usual visits...spotty action is more like it thanks for sticking with me. emoticon and rooting me on, even in my silence! emoticon

OK - time to make some hot water with lemon and honey...seems to be the only thing that works the last few days....oh, and the whiskey, that has helped emoticon Yup, I discovered the hot toddy and it tastes just like the powdered cold & flu medicine that you buy in those packets at the drugstore! Don't worry, I have to go to the elementary school later in the day, so the whiskey will be for after the trick or treating later tonight! emoticon

Was wondering....since it IS Halloween and all...maybe a zombie will oblige me and eat part of my brain that is being so troublesome, that would be a treat at this point!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DWEXCEL 11/1/2011 8:52AM

    I have been missing you for sure! Hope you're back to your old self and feeling great soon!


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ANNIEONLI 11/1/2011 6:51AM

    Revief has been found thank to Advil Cold & Sinus! And now hubby woke up with the sniffles and a headache...going to be a looooong winter! LoL

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MIRAGE727 10/31/2011 12:22PM

    Ouch! Been there. Not fun! Hope you find relief soon!

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OAKBORN 10/31/2011 10:29AM

    So sorry you are feeling under the weather!

Hang in there and maybe you'll feel a little less "spooky".

Hot tea and lemon sound like just what you need, along with a comfy couch, warm futhy slippers and feet up!


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STSCOTT11 10/31/2011 9:31AM

    I turned my heat on for the first time and I woke up with a headache. No time FOR THAT...I popped two pills and away I went.
I think with the weather changing...there is AN ADJUSTMENT to that we may overlook comes with "challenges".
Something about it being darker when we wake up...the cooler weather kinda zaps the momentum to KEEP MOVING and GROOVING and you want to sit down, eat comfort food and stay warm.
Keep sparking! WE CAN DO IT.
Still cheering you on!

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