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Bad habit: Mom guilt

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

ohhhh....I got it baaaaaad! emoticon
Probably one of the worst cases you will ever see.

Somehow, I have this guilt that I have to be with my family 24/7 when they are home, whether it be on vacation for one day or one week....and when summer hits - forget it!!

You see...my husband is a teacher, so we are together A LOT with the kids. More than other families for sure...and I consider this a good and lucky thing because let's face it...not everyone can be with kids and present like my husband.

But....

There is that maternal need to be with them 24/7 no matter if my husband is home...no matter if they are just sitting there playing with their games..no matter if they are playing outside...no matter if they are all in the family room watching a football game....and you know what?????? I don't do anything that I would consider uber-productive for myself when they are around!! I do not work out even though the time is there....stretching before me and I'm even find myuself saying to myself "good heavens, there is nothing to do!"

So you can see....I have a bad habit of being a hovering mom. Not like I'm doing anything great with them all the time...I'm just there....just like my mom was.

This goes with wife-guilt too....like going out with my girlfriends for happy hour...but for some reason, I have less guilt seeing her when we meet for lunch and everyone is at school. Seee!?!?!? They are all OUT and busy and thus the no guilt feeling on my part!

I even get anxiety in trying to figure out how to say "I would like to go out to the mall when the football game is on" because, for some reason, I have this stupid GUILT! And trust me....my husband could care less sometimes if I were hanging around because he goes about and does what he has to do without a thought...I'm telling you it's all me! Oy!

I know I'm not alone in this one...this is going to be a work in progress...as the saying goes "Knowing is half the battle" so maybe now that I verbalized it...I can help myself get through it and be a little more proactive for myself.

Hey - you know what? We went shopping yesterday as a family (shoe shopping and stuff) and while hubby tried on a suit, I entertained the kids in the accessories dept.....and then I got a chance to look through my ladies dept...and yup, had to try stuff on, which he was glad to let me do while he entertained the kids a bit. I think it was the first time we ever split up and divided and conquered and stayed in a store for more that a half hour with all 3 kids in tow!!! Sure, them getting older has a lot to do with it....but it's also me saying "Hey, I want to check something out for me....will you wiat a bit everyone?" 2 clearance items and one new shirt later - I'm really glad I took that initiative!

Baby steps in everything right???

Woohoo - Blog #4 DONE!
Have a nice day everyone!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ACCEPTHECHLNGE 1/18/2012 7:07PM

    Oh, this sounds like something I used go through. Take time for yourself, and the older the kids are, the easier it gets, although you might worry more, because you can't be with them 24/7. Mine have flown the nest and have kids on their own now. It's fun when they visit, but we certainly are enjoying a more quiet life. Glad you were able to do some shopping for yourself.

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KIM--POSSIBLE 1/18/2012 5:51PM

    I am right there with you on this one! I have 5 kids, though the oldest claims we just kicked him out (long story), so there is always something I feel like I need to be doing for someone. I am a teacher, but I am new, so I have a lot of work that I never feel like I have finished, plus I am getting my master's degree. Add in 5 soccer teams starting up this spring, wrestling still going on for ds, gymnastics for all 3 girls once a week, and the usual dinner/bath/homework/housework, and there is little time left for mom!

I have been getting up incredibly early to workout before getting the girls up and showers and ready to head to school. It is draining! I feel pretty constant guilt about not spending enough time with the kids, especially my youngest, who is still young enough to want me to hover!

When I do have downtime, I find myself looking for things to fill it. I told dh over Christmas break that I think I have forgotten how to do nothing! I feel like there is something I should be doing if I sit down for 5 minutes, and feel guilty any time I do anything for myself (which isn't often, anyway) Not sure how to reduce that feeling!

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SUZYWM 1/18/2012 11:32AM

    Great blog on a complicated topic. I want to mention that just being there, like your mom, is pretty valuable to a kid. Don't sell yourself short. But your point about needing to feel okay about taking time for yourself is huge.

I still struggle with this, nearly 33 years into parenthood. Even when my grown kids are around, I feel a need to just be there - attentive, not engaged in anything "just for me". Ridiculous!

Small steps is right - I'm trying to gently force the issue, like putting on an exercise dvd while the kids are home. Double whammy, I'm not doing something for them, and I'm using the tv! Oh the Guilt!

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DONNACFIT 1/17/2012 10:24PM

    emoticon

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MOMFAN 1/17/2012 10:10PM

    Good for you figuring out you are important and worth taking time for! Keep it up!

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OAKBORN 1/17/2012 7:55PM

    I hear you... but you know... it's okay to have time just for you too and to have things that are yours, space that is your own.

But it's hard to voice your own wants and needs (and sometimes remember that you want and need them) when that mom/wife guilt is ruling your day. Taking care of yourself is not something you need to apologize for, because I firmly believe that taking care of yourself fills you up so you have more to give.



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EYES_ON_THEPRAZ 1/17/2012 12:42PM

    Wow! I have heard of this and I think my boyfriend's mother has a bad case of this, too! Hard for me to understand since I'm not a mom yet, and because growing up my mom kept VERY busy. We still hung out as a family, but there were definitely lots of no-parents or alone time. You're going to have many years with your kids, so you really do need to take some time for yourself so you don't burn out! Don't worry, you're a great mom!

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ASUPERCOOLCHICK 1/17/2012 11:32AM

    you are truly not alone lol, I do this and I dont have any young'uns around... I do this with just the hubs and its not like he cares (for the most part) if I am there (as long as dinner is over lol) but I feel guilty or like I'm going to miss out on something if I make other plans.

Baby steps, little bit by little bit, we must take back our independance =)

but dont feel guilty, you are being a great Mom and thats what great ones do!!

Comment edited on: 1/17/2012 11:34:00 AM

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ARCHIMEDESII 1/17/2012 9:55AM

    I too think it's great that you do things as a family ! Too many families don't take the time to do things with each other any more. This kid has dance. that kid has martial arts. everyone keeps odd hours and no one seems have to time to sit down and talk.

So, I think it's great !!

Now, while some parents can get a little clingy, you should know it's okay to give the kids a little freedom. That will help instill a sense of responsibility. How will they learn to take care of themselves as an adult if their parents keep doing everything for them ?

I say enjoy your time with your family ! But, don't worry about giving the kids a little freedom and responsibility. I think they'll surprize you.



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REBECCAMA 1/17/2012 9:44AM

  First of all I don't know if it's on purpose or not but I got a chuckle out of seeing your picture upside down.

Second.. I totally have mommy guilt too. I work full-time but if my kid is sick or has a delayed opening or something I always volunteer to stay home. My hubby gets more time off than I do because he has a better job but I am always volunteering to stay home. Also like your hubby, my hubby has a life. He is out twice a week every week- Tuesdays and Saturday nights. I never go out. OKay, sometimes I go grocery shopping by myself. Seriously? All my friends are online and I am really bad about going out especially in the winter. In summer I get a little better about going for a walk or for a quick swim by myself but in winter forget it.

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HS1056 1/17/2012 9:33AM

  I think it's great that your family has so much together time. I grew up in a broken home. Dad gone, Mom working. Just me and my younger brother to take care of ourselves. So I read your blog from a different point of view. I do understand your mom guilt, as I have one son, now grown and married. Rather than hovering over their activities, when you have that "there's nothing to do" feeling, lead by example. Do a fun dvd workout. Maybe the fam will jump on board. Or organize a family hike. Involve the family in preparing a nutritious meal. Be creative and get them to follow you. You are very blessed! Great blog!

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RCOLSON97 1/17/2012 9:28AM

    I wish I would hang out with my son more, but he's 3 and sometimes I don't know what to do with him....so I end up on the computer or TV and I feel horrible for doing that! I sound horrible, wish I had your problem.


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NUOVAELLE 1/17/2012 9:09AM

    You sound like a real... mom!!! How much I know this feeling of guilt! I also had another feeling when my kids were babies or toddlers: I didn't trust anyone with them! Not even my husband! I thought they would only be safe in my presence! Thank God I recovered from this!
I had read a quote once about parenting. I don't remember who said it but he or she certainly had been where we are:
"The most important thing parents should never forget about is themselves!"
So, I think you're doing great. You're beginning to remember!
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PEACEWYTCH72 1/17/2012 7:36AM

    Oh, girl!! Do I know where you are coming from! I've had mom guilt the whole time I've been a mom. My boys are 19 and 14 and I am STILL a helicopter mom! I think 9/10's of why I am only now successful in my weight loss is because I have let go a bit and let myself take care of myself for a change. That doesn't mean it isn't there or it hasn't derailed me sometimes. I know that I would be further along, or even at my goal right now if I didn't use "my kids might need me" as an excuse not to exercise.

Keep up the great work. Take care of yourself.

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GEECHEEGULL 1/17/2012 7:34AM

    totally know the mom guilt but remember by taking time for yourself, you are modeling that for your daughters and future daughter-in-laws (ie. your sons seem it is normal and important).

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Bloggity blog #3 - laugh

Monday, January 16, 2012

You GOTTA have a sense of humor...I find that if I don't laugh and smile for a while, I start getting mopey and down. That's when I search out "Who's Line is it Anyway?" on tv or youtube and I get my laugh on once again.


Being in a happier state always helps with other things in life...even when the going gets rough. I can tell you right now that I'm the one in the funeral parlor at a wake remembering the person as they were at their most happy and alive instead of how the person left the world...AND I LAUGH and make jokes too (discreetly of course) because a) it's a nervous habit and b) that little bit of stupidity/hilarity is a break from hell that people go through. I know some people might find this crass, but it really does work and help out others...I've been to waaaay too many wakes, trust me...I know.

Anyway....healthy habit #3 - LAUGH!! at yourself..at silly things...at inane things...make others laugh by doing a silly dance - they might start dancing silly with you!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIM--POSSIBLE 1/18/2012 5:41PM

    Especially at times like now, when I really don't feel like it, I need to find things that make me smile and laugh!! Thanks for the reminder!

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SUZYWM 1/18/2012 11:24AM

    Thanks for the reminder Annie - I love reading the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich - slapstick humor and funeral home giggles thrown in on occasion for effect!

Sometimes you just gotta laugh!
xxoo

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BEATLETOT 1/17/2012 10:09PM

    I LOVE Whose Line!!! It's so great! Just thinking about it makes me smile....so thanks for posting it!

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DONNACFIT 1/17/2012 10:09PM

    Love your blog!! I love to laugh too..laughter is like jogging on the inside!! I laugh at myself..I'll never cease to be amused!!

Your wake story reminded me of singing in the choir at a funeral for a neighbor whose name was Art..the closing hynm was "How great thou art" and I whispered to the other women..wondering if he picked the song him self and we all got the giggles..not good timing :)

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THISISIT-PA 1/16/2012 4:54PM

    Great blog with an excellent reminder! My extended family cruises together and we have a habit of singing "You light up my life" every time we get on an elevator. It makes most people smile and some even sing along!

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RAINBOWCHOC 1/16/2012 2:22PM

    thank you for blogging

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KAYTIE22 1/16/2012 1:50PM

    This is a good blog and a great reminder. A lot of the problems in the world might be solved if everyone learned to lighten up.

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LINDABENEDICT 1/16/2012 1:43PM

    Ohhh...love this !!!! emoticon

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HS1056 1/16/2012 12:51PM

  What fun! I love this blog! One of my fondest memories of my childhood was when my brother and I would get the giggles and we couldn't stop. Our grandmother had very little patience with us and that just made us laugh even harder. During tough times later in life one of us would say something that would trigger the giggles and it just helped make it better. Laugh on!

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STILLOUT2LUNCH 1/16/2012 11:23AM

    I love to laugh, but when I'm alone I find myself staying quiet. I need to laugh out loud when in company or not. Thanks for the tip.

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JSPEED4 1/16/2012 11:10AM

    A few silly dances help me along!

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HELLODANAE 1/16/2012 11:08AM

    like I always say "laughing is my favorite thing to do" emoticon

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MONAKIN314 1/16/2012 10:25AM

    I believe that laughter is the best medicine, too. Especially laughing at yourself. emoticon

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Deep thoughts with Jack Handy, um..wait make that LI Annie

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Today looking in the mirror, I will stare into my eyes and say that I love myself (despite the pizza dough skin on my stomach because really no matter how many situps I do, only a surgery will get rid of it for good).....that I am worthy of being cared for (because if I don't care for myself first, it's harder to care for others i love)...that I have an inner Spark that cannot be extinguished....and darn it...people like me.

Deep thoughts....with LI Annie (totally taken tongue in cheek and adapted from the Saturday Night Live skit of Jack Handy - it's pretty funny stuff so I suggest a google search after you read this)

Have a nice day everyone!!
Blog #2 DONE!
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Don't forget to smile today!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIM--POSSIBLE 1/18/2012 5:38PM

    emoticon

Haven't watched that in years!!

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DONNACFIT 1/17/2012 10:12PM

    You're right..I just met you and I like you (especially love your upside down pic) I smile everytime I see it!! emoticon

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BEATLETOT 1/17/2012 8:11PM

    You are wonderful! And it's great that you know it!!!

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MOMFAN 1/16/2012 4:17AM

    Positive self talk it so important and much better than beating ourselves up with our short comings! Go Girl! You Are Amazing!

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COLLINSCJ2009 1/15/2012 6:20PM

    You have to love yourself. Your picture makes me dizzy.

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TEXASTITCHER 1/15/2012 5:32PM

    When you are exercising and you smile, you are doing the advanced version of the exercise (from my yoga teacher)

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KSANDIEGO 1/15/2012 5:29PM

    keep up the good work from "upside down" :-)
It helps us all smile and that's what its all about anyway - right?

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STILLOUT2LUNCH 1/15/2012 5:19PM

    Keep talking those positive thoughts to yourself. They really do help. Keep up the good work.

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REBECCATKD 1/15/2012 4:06PM

    Annie, you need to love yourself AND, if there is truly no solution for it, embrace that "pizza dough." You're fit, trim, in great shape, a mother of three, and a woman who has lost a ton of weight in the past few years. That little bit of dough? Honey, that ain't nothin'!
You're gorgeous! emoticon

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HELLODANAE 1/15/2012 10:25AM

    yes, let's smile is my favorite thing to do emoticon

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DWEXCEL 1/15/2012 9:30AM

    Good for you, Girl! And you're right....people do like you! You are awesome,and such a good inspiration.

Love you!
Donna

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Help! I'm being forced to blog against my will !!!! (j/k)

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Juuuust kidding....but seriously, while I don't blog EVERYday, I kinda have to for the next 7 days to get points on a 5% challenge - - so this might not be as ponderous as others I have done....

Good god, I forgot if I was supposed to talk about something in this blog or not! Ooops, so much for my post-reading skills! Something in my subconscious is telling me to talk about a healthy habit...

OK - healthy habit: I don't eat after 7pm if I can possibly help it.

Why?? I think Oprah said that was one of her rules and it made sense to me, so for years I have kinda stuck to that little rule of thumb.

Which means...I really don't like events that make me eat at 9 or 10 pm at night....really, so silly if you think about it - give me a nice cocktail hour at 6pm and I'm good to go...9pm is cake & coffee time. Not like I'm going to these events all the time...at all...but when they happen it kinda irks me. I'm that person who eats normally no matter what, especially on the day of a wedding because I don't want to be starving and grumpy....and yes, I have brought cereal bars to weddings and scarfed them down in the car when my stomach is on the verge of eating itself.

But I digress.....

As for healthy habits that are on the more "new" side (as in established in the last year) - umm...I like to make smoothies now because I get a few fruits in along with my yogurt...and the kids like them too, so i make a huge one and we are all healthy together!!!

Okey dokey.....see ya tomorrow!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LILBITWANNABE 1/15/2012 12:22PM

    Thats a great healthy habit! One of my biggest challenges is not late night snacking.

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BEATLETOT 1/15/2012 10:00AM

    I'm writing my assigned blog when I get home. I like your healthy habits. I eat late a lot, and its something I should definitely work on because nighttimeeating is usually mindless eating!

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HELLODANAE 1/14/2012 9:33PM

    I think this is a good topic emoticon
thanks for sharing and I loooooooooooooooooooove your pic emoticon

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LINDABENEDICT 1/14/2012 9:20PM

    I share your blog issue ....and I want those points too, so I will get busy !

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DONNACFIT 1/14/2012 8:13PM

    Thanks for blogging and for dropping by my yesterday's blog and for your comments :)

When I'm back on track and I need to not snack in evenings I like to make a pot of tea and enjoy that instead..it's calorie free.

Smoothies are great..last summer I had my granddaughters here for camp grammy and we made smoothies every morning yum yum!!

Go starfish emoticon

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OAKBORN 1/14/2012 7:51PM

    I know you had a "forcible" blogging incident, but you write with clarity and insight as usual.

The evening snack bug is my biggest downfall. I can work out... but I will still snack whether I'm hungry or not.




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REBECCATKD 1/14/2012 5:16PM

    I'm still working on not eating after 8:30. It's so dumb, too, because I'm never really hungry. I just picked up the habit somewhow. Must break it!

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JUSTLYLE 1/14/2012 5:00PM

    Now Annie that wasn't so bad now was it. Made for great reading.
Congratulations on a wonderful "lifestyle" change.

Skeeter emoticon

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KIM--POSSIBLE 1/14/2012 4:13PM

    Events that revolve around food really bother me, regardless of what time they are, but particularly at non-meal times. It seems that everyone eats simply because it is expected, then complains that they have gained weight, comments to those who aren't overweight that they must be able to eat anything, etc. More than once, I have had people make me feel bad for not eating at these events.

I recently set a rule for myself not to eat and snacks after 7:30. Because I have kids and they play sports, there are nights that we don't get dinner until then. I figure, as long as I am eating a meal and not mindlessly snacking, it is ok! But if I have had dinner, I don't need to snack that late or I will overeat.

Good luck with the blogs this week!

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Smoldering

Friday, January 13, 2012

I've been tending to the fire a lot lately.....no, this is not a figurative thing....it is a literal thing! We are heating our house this winter with a new fireplace insert....and so far, I have stacked 5 cords of firewood, brought at least 2 cords into the house myself, and have re-lit the fire more times than I can count...and I'm good at it 95% of the time! The things we learn in life! LoL

Anyway, we've finally hit the less-seasoned wood and now we have a lot of hard to light and smoldering pieces of wood. You have NO idea how frustrating it is!!!

But then again.....maybe you do.....

In my various states of pondering while staring at the fire, I have seen many a log smolder and smoke until it just kinda burns internally, gets weaker and weaker, and ultimately turns to ash - sure it gives off heat, but it certainly isn't that pretty to look are or interact with when I open the fireplace door to try to stoke it into a flame....all it does is smoke and sizzle at me & stink up my house!

Logs like this need oxygen...some air to breath in order to get a pretty flame...a flame that will catch other pieces of wood and continue on to not only make heat, but to make a real great show for everyone to watch....even the coals glow and radiate heat & beauty when the flames die down.

It's amazing when I get the smoldering log to finally catch fire...WHOOOSH! it goes right up with just a crack in the door...but sometimes I have to really put effort into it and break out the hairdryer and really get a flow of air in there, and even then, a stubborn smoldering log can take time to catch fire.....very frustrating. emoticon

I'd say that most of the time, I can get the smoldering log to light with a bit of oxygen and some poking and prodding... all it takes is a little effort, of knowing what to do, and then just doing it.

It's a dirty business too..the stink, the flying dry ash...especially when I have to clean out the ash pile. It could be 2 days of resting and still.....I will dig into the fluffy ash with my shovel and find it warm and at the very bottom....there they are, the few tiny pieces of coal still burning red when the air hits them, ready and waiting to bring forth a new flame to a log.

Hmmm......am I being literal or figurative now....

You decide.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOMFAN 1/14/2012 2:11PM

    I know how hard! Great analogy, especially as I forget to breath, literally when I am focused.

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BECCIE0524 1/14/2012 7:45AM

    Loved it too!

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RAINBOWCHOC 1/13/2012 9:02PM

    is bringing in wood a new healthy habit? we don't have a fireplace so I'm snookered!

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BEATLETOT 1/13/2012 11:02AM

    Love your metaphor! =) Have a great weekend!

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