Tuesday, March 20, 2012
There is no other word.
Just came back from getting my taxes done...seeing people I see every year...for the last 10 years. Yup - they knew me as heavy Annie, pregnant Annie several times, then heavy Annie once again.
One of them happens to be the sister of my best friend from junior high...I haven't talked to the past bf since I left for another high school, but I send my warm regards to her every year anyway. Another is a long time local that I have known for years, another local mom - I like her, she's cool. Another is my tax guy. I am ANGRY at 2 of the three I saw today.
and to give you a hint, I'm not angry at the local mom I like.
The old bf sister made a comment....an observation put into words more like it. "You look so skinny! you are wasting away!"
"Nope," I say, "Same as last year. Same weight, same shirt. Maybe it's the makeup. Healthy as a horse"
"Really? Your face looks thinner" says the woman, quite the stick herself. In fact, her sister was quite the stick as well, and from fb pics I get to see, is still the same, even after 4 kids.
I DEFEND myself again, but chuckle and smile and change the subject to her own family.
On to the next encounter - my accountant.
"Hey lady, you look like you lost weight!" he says.
(I'm already on the defensive now) "Nope, same as last year...maybe it's the loose top and these new skinny jeans and these new flats I'm wearing." (the pants which, btw, are a size 8, just so you Sparkers all know that I am NOT wasting away into nothingness)
"Aww, I don't know about that honey."
whatever that is supposed to mean. Again, I get to business and change the subject.
The mom I like, we've known each other a long time, are friends on fb...she just says I look good...sheeesh, she sees me in pics all the time, she would know if I were "WASTING AWAY."
WHICH brings me to another pet peeve about a comment that I had received a while back. I wrote it in my planner, because I'm not the type to come on here and complain about being 132 pounds at 5 foot 2 inches tall. (Truly the vision of wasting away, don't you think???) but this was more to the fact about the wording and phrasing of another long time aquantaince in my community. Here is the quote that has burned in my brain:
"You are STILL thin! I'm so glad."
STILL. That one word made me grit my teeth, say a very nice "yes, it's hard work, but I'm determined" and say goodbye and walk away SEETHING - even though I am fully aware that it was meant to be nice....oh and I am SO glad you are glad!! Eeesh.
STILL - think about it. "STILL"
"STILL" implies that you probably thought at some point that I would fail and gain my weight back. (Don't worry honey, I will STILL being using Spark and doing what I'm doing a year from now.)
"You are so thin" means that me being thinner has upset your version of me in your head. (You think you have it bad. Trust me....even I have a hard time wrapping my head around it....it depends on the day, sweetie.)
Normally - overweight people want that recognition of being thinner really really bad....especially when you are trying and trying very hard to lose the weight. I get it. I lived it. It's this aftermath that can get a little weird.....years later, on maintenance, when you are STILL trying to wrap your head around JUST STAYING this way....to not obsess, to not over think...to try and live "like a normal person"...that comments such as this tend to tick you off.
And don't tell me that it wouldn't.
It gives all the hard work you have done a more NEGATIVE spin.
It takes all the fitness, the good nutrition, the time, the effort....it just takes all that and minimizes it into something much less proud....not humbling, more (oh I can't even figure out the word!)...more debasing....degrading...whatever...
What is it that makes people comment so "negatively" - especially people (not your family) that you rarely see?
I have had comments from people over the last year, sure...all put in a nice way: "I'm so happy that you are maintaining the way you are...it's wonderful." or "Looking good kiddo, working hard I bet." or I will even take "Hey skinny!" I take them graciously, I say thank you, I even blush because that is what I do....and there is no need to be defensive when a comment is said in a certain way. I get it.
but sometimes.....oooo, it really fries my fritter.
Did you know that 9 times out of 10 - it's my HUSBAND who gets the compliments, not me.
Did you know that 85% of time - I see myself as waaay heavier than 132 and that battle is something that I have accepted and that I know for a fact that if one doesn't change ones self image, it can lead to disaster and another eating disorder?
Did you know that IF I WANTED to - I could drop another 10 pounds in the blink of an eye? How?? Because I know how to with nutrition and exercise. Am I going to?????? No way in hell. You read that right. Some people would KILL to be 122...nope...not me.
But WHY NOT? you may ask. Because for me: I don't want to. Again, I'm smart...I know things ("Godfather" Fredo reference right there - LoL). Anatomy and physiology of the body was the best class I ever took. I want to be able to maintain and LIVE a life that does not mean counting every calorie of every single day of my life. If I were 122 - that would be my life. I want to NOT exercise every single day to maintain this weight. I want to be active and NOT be a slave to the treadmill or the gym. Fit but not fried.
This is what I want when I am 40.....45....50...55.....and yes, 60 years old.
Next year....I will be wearing this very same outfit to get my taxes done.
Monday, March 12, 2012
So here I am....and this time, I really think that I can contribute to this new 5% Spring challenge...in mileage, that is. The winter one was HAAAARD! My basement was cold...sure, I walked outside a lot more, but nothing like the spring! Ahhhh Spring!!!
So, everyone in the challenge is supposed to post what they are going to do for the challenge...and why, I guess (confession here: I am NOT the best at challenges...maybe it's because of this semi-lone wolf/hermit thing I got going on at times)
So here is the plan - get ready.....it's SUPER original.
Does this look familiar???????
I'll give you a hint: it should.
I'll give you another hint: it's taken from the Sparkdiet....step 2 to be exact.
OK , OK....that wasn't really a hint, but it's what I do when I want to refocus and get back on track. If I could have a dollar for every time I used the above to get back on track....well, I'd be swimming in some serious dough after being on here for 4 years!
I will admit, I have been a tad "naughty" in my life lately - but at least I haven't had wine...or bacon (thank you Lent)...but I have had more baked treats than ever before....Nope, another lie here....My first Spark Christmas was pretty hairy - lots of baked goods and chocolate while trying to feel out Maintenanceville. Maybe I just FEEL like I've been naughty right now for no reason....nothing like the ease of beating oneself up, right???
So back to the 5% challenge "goals" for myself:
Bike to work more often than not.
Get out and walk a bit more too....outside...in the air....especially on the days I am off.
My stability ball.....totally needs to be dusted off, plopped in front of the TV and sat on during American Idol....maybe even some crunches will get done!
Go to bed earlier!!!! I've been staying up horribly late the last 2 to 3 months....why??? I hate my bedding. Yup, silly as that. I need a new comforter or something...and I need to change the position of my bed too....yeah, yeah, yeah - sounds silly, but I am a little silly sometimes when it comes to the position of my bed in a room. It's time for a change.
Get out into the garden and WEED when I think of it...especially when the kids are playing ball!! Maybe I will make them have to bug me to do it...then it will really get done!
OK....that's enough. I don't expect perfection with these "goals". Sorry that goals keeps getting quotes around it. I am not a big fan of the word "goals" just like I hate the word "diet" . Sometimes people overemphasize "goals" and then get all bummed and down when they don't reach them. I think I prefer "Generalized achievements that are symbiotic with my lifestyle" (my own new phrase that I just made up btw) is more to my taste....because really....my lifestyle changes...day to day sometimes. It's better to learn to roll with the punches and do our best to live a healthy & active life. No? Goals are very important to have, but they have to be realistic too....just sayin'.
Ahh...now for some coffee and a walk around outside to break up for the mid-day sleepiness that comes around about now.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Hmmm.....where to start with this one without being negative.....I hate being negative, but sometimes, you have to just get it out in order to get the positive back. So here it goes.....
It seems that I will not be doing the 5K run that I have been planning to do since I heard about it last September. Yup....will not be able to do it. and it was a cool one too......a 5K on the airport down the road....the airport that I used to fly out of when I was getting my private pilot's license in college....the airport that I drool over as I drive past, especially past a particular stretch of road that I have driven since I was a little kid, that I drooled over even back then. I was even recruiting local mom's to do the run with me....a bunch of first timers too!
The race is not going to happen for me.
WHY???? you may ask?
Well, because on that very weekend, well it happens to be the ONLY weekend that our Cub Scout Pack can go camping!!! OF COURSE!!! And we HAVE to be there because we are the coordinators and the leaders trained for the whole thing.
Yeah....yeah....yeah....the greater good for the kids and all that jazz....I get it.
But it DOESN'T mean that I am not disappointed.
Oh wait....it gets better!
Next week is my birthday....on Friday. Niiiiice huh? A great day to have it right? I should be getting a sitter and partying up my 39th year! ...ummmmmm....nope
Again....Cub Scouts has reared it's ugly head. And I have known about it since last September, but still it is not easy to take without being disappointed. We HAVE TO go because my husband is taking over the Cubmaster role officially that night and he has to speak.....and I HAVE TO make the cake for the group graduating because I have done it for the past 3 years....and we HAVE to go because NO ONE else is going to go because this group is not liked very much at all and noone is going to go at all and that is just sad and pathetic.
So for my birthday night....I will be making a cake for others and spending it with people I do not necessarily enjoy all because I HAVE to.
When you HAVE TO do something sometimes......it really kills the joy. And I have been TRYING and TRYING my hardest to bring things into a positive light, but to no avail.
Thus, the reason for this blog. Most of the time it really helps to get things out there and I am hoping this is one of them.
Eeessshhh....I am hoping this works.
Breathe...breathe.....this too shall pass.
e....breathe...think happy thoughts....bring out the good of each situaton instead of focusing on the annoying and negative.....breathe....breathe...breathe.
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