Tuesday, September 11, 2012
My long-time Sparkfriends know all about the blue bridesmaid dress from my youngest sister's wedding on May 2011...just to jog the memory - it's a size 8 (really a size 6 in a normal person's world) and was only hemmed at the bridal shop because the thing fit perfectly...in fact, it was my other sister's dress and we swapped sizes. Anyway....I love this dress and it's one of those Vavavavoom! Dresses! that will probably never be worn again....except in the privacy of my own bedroom...and I'll get to that in a minute....
I vowed that I would be able to wear this dress every year on my sister's wedding anniversary on May 7th...and this year - I did it! Which is a really good thing when it comes to maintenance! Yay me!
However...I do try this dress on...on occasion ...to use as a gauge to see how I am fairing.
Well.....I did it today again, and considering that I am slightly up in range, and that everything I put on from my closet makes me cringe...I put the dress on again today and I zipped it up, and yes, it was very much to my surprise.
My perspective of my body is very skewed right now....having this article of clothing as my gauge brings me back to a happy place and it's nice to know that I can still be in it, despite the fact that I'm the only one who sees me prancing around in my bedroom like a fool when I have it on.
It also brings into perspective that things change over time and in the next few years, I will probably see some more ups and downs, and another part of my body might look a little different in the dress once I'm well into my 40's. And that is just as it should be.
Perspective also means that we have to see things from a different viewpoint sometimes, even though we may not want to.
Like today....it's September 11th. I'm in New York. Think of how I see today and it might change your perspective in your neck of the woods....because right now, over here...people are grieving still...and yet people are moving on too...and people are working downtown...and people are remembering where they were on that horrible day....and yet, they keep on moving forward.
From thinking about trying on a dress to thinking of towers falling down is a big friggin' leap, I know....but it makes me think about how many perspectives of the world that are out there...and how we sometimes have to change our own perspective in order to move forward in our lives.
The message for today is to change your perspective if you are stuck. Look at things from a different angle....a different viewpoint...through another set of glasses. You might be surprised that it's just a bad day, that you had too much sodium, your period is on its way, the kids didn't clean up the family room when you asked, or you just didn't get a hug or a thank you today for just being you.
Every day is a new day...full of possibilities.
Monday, September 10, 2012
In my last blog, I mentioned changes going on....one of them is that there is "less on my plate"...in the figurative sense...not the literal sense.
For example - I used to get my nephew on and off the bus at my house every day because he and my kids went to the same school...for the last 2 years. Well, they moved across town and now he is going to another school...and I am no longer needed every day.
I'm sad and happy all at the same time.
Sad that I won't be seeing him (or my sister and my niece) every day...happy that they have a nice, big, new house to live in.
Another change is that my Scouting leadership is ALMOST done with my eldest son. Being the leader for the last 4 years has certainly been an experience of dealing with different personalities in a volunteer organization - not all good either. But overall, my group is a good bunch of kids...and now the Den Mama has to lead them into a new world and let go.
Kinda sad on one level again....extremely happy in another!
But since I still have another son in it and my husband became cubmaster to save the Pack from going under - I am still involved a lot...but since I will no longer be a leader come March...it will be more as a parent and advisor than anything. I've finally realized that others have to step it up to keep this thing going....it's not mine to be the savior of...and because of the natural progression of things, I am slowly being phased out. Also, hubby is taking a lot of the headache out of the constant nonsense emails that I used to get from one particularly annoying and sad and grating individual....so that part makes it happy for me and sad for him.
But with the lessening of things on one side of the scale, of course it is balanced out by other things sprouting up and needing attention: the kids want to be more active in before and after school things....and I get to orchestrate all of that, but at least it's just my own kids I have to be responsible for and not 50 other families and children! LoL
I've got a lot of other bittersweet stuff going on besides this...I have a lot to process on many levels...a lot of it emotional.
I read somewhere online that letting yourself feel the emotions of sadness of leaving while experiencing the thrill and excitement & nervousness of new possibilities is the best possible thing to do for oneself when facing change. Remembering the good & bad of the past is what prepares you for the uncertainty of the future....because from the past, you have learned what to do and not do in the future.
So those are my musings of the morning....time to make a few phone calls to see where my firewood delivery is. Two more cords of firewood on the way for me to move and stack today!! I can honestly say that when I did the other 2 cords on Friday, I wasn't really in pain the next day or the next....and I was moving A LOT of firewood a pretty decent distance!!!! Thank heavens for muscle memory!
Sunday, September 09, 2012
If I had to list how many changes have been going on and are going to be in the future, your head might spin! And most of these things are GOOD things too...but stressful nonetheless.
All of these changes have been weighing on my mind too - these last 2 months - and I really have not been sleeping well and I can actually FEEL stress eminating from my pores at times. I can also report that old habits from years ago have peeked their head out...the stress eating, the "I don't care I need a break from dieting anyway" thoughts (yes! the dreaded word "DIET" popped into my brain! I NEVER use that word! EEK!), even the "I'll start eating better tomorrow" and "I can work these calories off later" thoughts emerged and I people who know me on here, KNOW that I don't think like that...well, not anymore....before Spark, well yes, those prior quotes would flit though my mind every . single . day.
So now I am here once again, to give this update and even confess that - yes, indeed - those thoughts can come back, even though you thought they were long gone. THAT is scary. THAT is my nightmare. (Cue scary nightmare music)
I am here to also say that the last 2 months have been WICKED struggling months for me on the scale. Yeah, yeah, yeah - the scale is just a number, blah blah blah....but here is the deal - when your clothes start feeling snug and you are NOT pumping iron and doing an hour of cardio a day....um, "HELLOOOOOO - IS THIS THING ON?!?!" the number on the scale MEANS something again.
So....what does one do?
One fights back.
Begins at the beginning again with what you know works.
Just do it.
Talk it out.
That last one is for me to remind myself to get on here and blog again. Part of my problem is that I feel that I am NOT heard...and that after a while, I feel that no one cares that I need to vent things too. There is also a part of me that, since I have been successful at weightloss & maintenance, is that people will read something I am venting about and just not care...and that kinda hurts to think that way, but I am a sensitive glutton for punishment and my own brain and thoughts are sometimes my worst enemy, and that is why I gained weight in the first place and if I don't vent, I will just revert back to that person I was before. (Insert another nightmare music clip here)
Yeah...my brain thinks like this when I am stressed out....and even though the rational side of my brain is telling me that Spark and Sparkfriends are there for you no matter what...there is that scared little girl who is lost and doesn't know how to speak up when things get tough. (btw- I just started crying when I typed that line...so I know that it's so true and had to be vented).
Well, that's all I'm up to writing about right now....It's not like I gained 10 pounds back, but being out of my range by 2 and being stuck with too much salt in my system along with my t.o.m. isn't helping with my morale...although I know "this too shall pass".
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Whenever I get down about things, I get little reminders at how it was..and how it could have been if I didn't get things under control when I did.
For example, when we went to Boston to visit my sister on, seriously, the hottest day of the entire year, we walked to the park around the corner and basically had to go up the biggest darned hill I have ever climbed since my youngest was barely walking. I remember that time because I was very heavy and could barely make it up that hill. So on this hill, as I climbed with very little trouble, I gave a bit of thanks to myself for getting help...and healthy...when I did.
But when you are all sweaty and wearing jean shorts...you also get puffy...and bloated because of beer and chips...and I was starting to feel a bit down again when the boys left to go to another park when my sis said to me, "let's change into something cooler" and all I had brought with me were some cotton shorts (which I wound up wearing)....but she tossed me a pair of shorts she wore in college...and they fit me.
I did a happy dance inside on that one. #1 because they fit, #2 because I wasn't self conscious standing in my underwear in front of my sister (yup, self-imposed comfort zone issue rearing their ugly heads again) and #3 my mind always makes me bigger than I really am...and sometimes it's hard to judge yourself.
So after Boston, me & hubby got back on track and took off the beer bloat, but the humidity bloat is still hanging on like the dickens! I hate humidity!
We just went out last weekend to the outdoor mall here - big brand name stores that we rarely, if ever go into....mainly because of prices but also because of size. We - the both of us at one time - were big...WAY bigger than we are now. Well, now we get a kick out of going into these trendy stores to browse around and laugh that while we can fit into the clothes, we still aren't going to buy them ($250 jeans??? really?). I tried on a particular named brand jacket in a small and fairly fell over in shock. Really???? really? really. I could have sworn my arms were 3 times as big as that.
I have to constantly remind myself that things could be very different now if I didn't do something 4+ years ago. I have to constantly remind myself that the scale numbers are not 153 or 163 when I read 135 or 136.
Sometimes I wonder if my head would have been different if I knew what other gilrs weighed back when I was in junior high and high school.....maybe I would have not felt so down about myself if I had a reflected view of how I really looked and what 135 or 140 or 145 was among my peers....which, when you see pics, really wasn't that bad. I weighed in the upper 140s in highschool - horrible, right? yes, horrible when you think you are way bigger in your head and eat to console yourself....thus making it true and a reality in a few years.
Anyway....that's what I was thinking about lately...
Glad I found Spark .... glad I have a support system now....glad to be able to be heard and vent and get a reality check when I need to.
Stay cool everyone!
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