ANNIEONLI   47,434
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Joy emerges slowly sometimes

Monday, February 25, 2013

I will not lie on here... and I will openly admit that the last 2 months has absolutely sucked because of various indecisions in my life, and these indecisions that were not on my plate to decide what to do, it was me waiting for action on anothers part... and while I started to say "NO" around the end of January in other areas of life, it wasn't enough to give me clarity, so February kept going with me being in limbo.

Ahhh, sorry to be vague, but everyone has these times in life, so if you have ever been there, then you will know what I mean.

Let's just say this: It's transition time for me. In my work status mainly. I am looking down a path, with several branches in the road...there is a fog too...and it was pretty dense for a while, but as each day goes on, the fog is slowly lifting...and I see some of the paths fall away, and then there are two to choose from... but in my heart, I know, that there is one that I truly wish to follow... and while it is dark and uncertain, and I can barely see the bumps in the road, I know I can handle them - because I am determined, and maybe, just maybe, this is what I was meant to do for a long long time, but didn't know it.

Life is funny like don't know what it will bring you until you are faced with tough decisions... and then your gut will be your guide.

I have always had faith like this. Some use prayer and sight Jesus as being their savior... I, on the other hand, while being a lapsed Roman Catholic (my own term I jokingly use) believe in a higher power mixed with a little dash of fate and a dollop of instinct on what path to choose... that being a good person in general will eventually work in the long run...and the long run is really that the afterlife will be a lovely place rather than one of the rings from Dante's Inferno.

If you can't tell it yet... I studied theology and ancient civilizaitons in my past... Latin too. I am a veritable cornucopia of bit and pieces of useless information that make me who I am... and while mostly useless in everyday life, I am finding all these bits and pieces invaluable when teaching my kids.. another joy that I have found and need to acknowledge because it is, to quote Martha Stewart "it's a good thing."

So here are the list of joys my eyes beheld this morning:
- 133 on the scale and the "skinny" jean still fit just fine even though eating and drinking have been abysmal, let's face it, the last 3 months... first because of holidays and then because of stress
- my middle guy has a talent for the recorder and not really the violin (short fingers, poor thing).. and he plays the recorder beautifully and for hours at a time (you'd think I would be annoyed, but he is that good..). and so I suggested he try the clarinet next year - and he BEAMED with pride at my praise and the fact that I accually have a clarinet from when I was a kid, somewhere in the closet upstairs (told you I was a font of useless information! LOL) I will be digging it out momentarily.
- my hubby is behind my decisions - he is trying to play Devil's Advocate too, but this time, bless his heart, I am not backing down...and he sees it and appreciates it. Love him for that.
- Other decisions made are for the greater good...even though they may be hard to take, it's still the best decision to be made at the time... and I am AOK with that.

My Joy is emerging slowly once again.

I signed up for a 5K at my old high is in a month, and something to focus on other than work. It will give me clarity in other ways...get me on the attainable goal for the near future. That is what we must do helps when things are up in the air.

So, dear Spark friends....when you see me quiet on here, it's not that I have gone just that life gets in the way.

I hope all is well....wish me luck too!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NUMD97 2/27/2013 7:49AM

    It must be the late winter doldrums. I think so many of us are there along side you, waiting for that "clarity" that you speak of. Sometimes we just need to be patient, and sometimes we have to take the bull by the horns. But how lovely that your hubby supports you all the way. For some that is half the battle.

Do what you need to do for you, that will make you happier, and then take care of the rest of the business of living, if that makes sense. Sometimes it just takes time to sort itself out.

Wishing you nothing but the best,


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KANOE10 2/26/2013 8:58AM

    I am sending positive thoughts your way, Spark Friend. It sounds like a very rough few months with stress. Good for you still fitting those skinny jeans and staying posiitive with entering a 5 k. As you say, life gets in the way and you have no other choice but to deal with it. Having an attainable goal when your life is insecure, helps a great deal. I am also giving myself a mini goal to get my spark going.
You have a lovely supportive family.

emoticon emoticon

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ANNIEONLI 2/26/2013 7:42AM

    Thanks for all the support and understanding my Sparkfriends!!

And just when I figure things out...another curve ball gets thrown at me! Sheesh! Keep sending me those clarifying vibes...the path will be even clearer tomorrow...hopefully.

One thing I do know for certain: my happiness counts, and that is worth something. BIG TIME! LOL

I'd come around to everyone individually to say thanks, but I just don't have the time to right THANKS!!!! right here...and right now emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LYNNA1968 2/25/2013 8:54PM

    Enjoy your skinny jeans, & as long as you have support and joy all will be well in your life. Happy thoughts are coming your way! You are missed do what you want to do and I'll be here when you come back. Rock that 5K!!!

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JESSICABOOTY 2/25/2013 4:43PM

    You've put a lot of thought into this. I'll reread it and get even more out of it. This is not for skimming. From what you've written I can tell that you have a vast pool of talent to draw from. I wish you all the best. I think that whatever comes next, you will take it on and make it positive.
Come back when you can. I'll miss you.
emoticon emoticon

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DALID414 2/25/2013 2:03PM

    I think you stay away long enough to be missed emoticon

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GODIVADSG 2/25/2013 12:54PM

    Without ever reading your blog I feel like you are speaking for me! I am on the same path. I hope you don't mind that I have added you as a friend. Dana emoticon

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NUOVAELLE 2/25/2013 12:16PM

    Crossroads! I've spent many precious minutes - ok, maybe hours - of my life thinking of what would have happened if I had taken the other path than the one I chose. And although I'm a big fan of the "listen to your heart" way of thinking, I'm not sure my heart has always showed me the right way...
Anyway, I just wanted to share the thoughts that were born in my head while reading your blog! I hope the fog lifts completely and your heart shows you the right way. Until then, enjoy everyday of your life even if it sometimes feels like it's getting in the way.
I'm glad joy is emerging. Slow as it may be, it's still joy!
Good luck!

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DWEXCEL 2/25/2013 11:50AM

    You are so awesome and so smart. I feel what you are saying, and knowing you, you have already answered yourself with your own words..."but in my heart, I know, that there is one that I truly wish to follow ......."

Life does get in the one sometimes for sure. I am learning that lesson myself right now. And it certainly is a path with lots of twists and turns, that things could definitely be different, depending upon which choice we make.

I felt peace coming for your blog today.

Best to you always! And you are in inspiration in more ways than one!

Love ya!

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OAKBORN 2/25/2013 11:19AM

    As usual I hear you loud and clear! emoticon

Sometimes, you just have to step back and kind of let things take their own course. I have faith in the process working itself out sometimes... and just letting it be. (I think I hear a Beatles riff in the background here) emoticon

And, as John Lennon famously said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

Transition points in life are hard, but finding goals, even unrelated ones, give you something to focus on while the rest of your stuff is sorting itself out. Like the 5K! Let us know how you do (ie. how AMAZINGLY you ROCK it!)!!!! emoticon

And for some reason, I feel compelled to put this here:

The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began
Now far ahead the road has gone
And I must follow if I can

Pursuing it with eager feet
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet
And whither then, I cannot say.

(JRR Tolkien)

Best always to you my friend!! emoticon

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-AMANDA79- 2/25/2013 10:43AM

    Decisions, decisions. I hope everything goes the way you want it to. I went through a rough patch in the fall and found that focusing on the little things in life that I could control helped to keep me sane.


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BEATLETOT 2/25/2013 9:20AM

    Thanks for the beautifully-written blog and for opening your heart and life to us. You are truly an inspiration!!!

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REBECCATKD 2/25/2013 9:01AM

    Ah, life....
"Two roads diverged in a wood and I --
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference."

Robert Frost had a clouded future many times (as do we all), but you're both right: there's a path we're meant to travel, and it sounds like you know which one to take.

"The force serves you well, young Jedi..."

And the fog burns away from the strength of the sunshine...

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PJ2222 2/25/2013 9:00AM

    emoticon emoticon

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MRSJERRYBUSH 2/25/2013 8:58AM


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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I am constantly pulling at them.


Today is just a little harder to pull on, but eventually, the boots will come up all the way.

They always do, right?

Some days are harder than others though, especially when you feel like someone kicked the boots to far to even reach.

Speaking of which, right now...I feel barefoot and raw, boots nowhere in sight..hidden under the bed amonst the residing dust bunnies.

It's ok...I'll figure out how to get them within arms reach sooner than later.

But not right now...I am letting them lie under the bed while I lay on top for a while.

No rush for rush at all.

Sometimes it's ok to let things sit in order to think things out...the boots will be there later, needing to be dusted off and picked up once again.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSICABOOTY 2/23/2013 9:18PM

    My therapist calls "sitting with it" when I'm in the dumps. Don't fight it, just lay back and the river will carry you along.

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-AMANDA79- 2/20/2013 10:59PM

    Sorry you're in a rough patch. Hope it passes quickly.

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DALID414 2/20/2013 10:28PM

    Sounds like we're on the same boat.

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OAKBORN 2/20/2013 3:11PM

    Some days you just need to chill, relax and let it be! Have a good day sorting!

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    Bootstraps work eventually. Keep at it!

Make today a great day!

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5th Year Sparkiversary vlog

Friday, February 08, 2013

This is my very first vlog...and it's the very first take too. Just wanted to say hello to all my fellow Sparkers.. and send a thank you as well.

Sorry about the low sound quality...and for the water bottle banging loud on the table! LOL

I tried to do another take, but it's not so great when you get overemotional and start crying in a vlog! LOL

And just a shout out to Jenni real quick: I am wearing the bracelet on my right wrist!! I wanted to mention it in the video but forgot!!

Thanks for all the support Sparkers!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSICABOOTY 2/23/2013 9:19PM

    You are so sweet and brave to share with us. Only makes us love you all the more.

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CAROLISCIOUS 2/12/2013 7:35PM

    What an awesome first vlog! Congrats on all your success!

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CELIAMINER 2/12/2013 11:21AM

    You've done so well! Happy emoticon

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HANKENSTEIN 2/12/2013 7:02AM

    AWESOME! You look dazzling, and your message is wonderful. Congratulations!

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MJREIMERS 2/10/2013 7:32PM

    Happy 5th Anniversary! emoticon You should be so proud of yourself. What a great way to celebrate! Giving kudos to your buddy and sharing what you've learned along the way. emoticon May you have continued success and many more Sparkiversaries!

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KANOE10 2/10/2013 12:43PM

    Happy Anniversary. I loved meeting you on your vlog. It was so sweet and inspirational. You look wonderful and seem very happy with your life. Thanks for sharing such a successful journey in your life.


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PBLITZ 2/10/2013 5:34AM

    AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!! HAPPY SPARKIVERSARY ANNIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have come so far and you have inspired SO many!! Look at the impact you have had on the lives of countless people who feel they don't have what it takes to reach their goals. I know you have really motivated me to get out there, exercise, track and BLOG!! You have given your children, your husband, and YOURSELF a happier, healthier, more enjoyable life. You should be SO proud of yourself! I think I can speak for all of your sparkfriends when I say WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU! And extremely grateful to know you here. Thanks for all you do, and thanks for the VLOG!
Lots of love Anniebear!!!
BR>P.S. emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/10/2013 5:35:58 AM

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DWEXCEL 2/8/2013 6:28PM

    Happy Anniversary Annie!!! You Go Girl! I loved your vlog:) I loved hearing your voice and seeing your face at the same time; it was almost like seeing you in person!!! You have done so wonderful, and have always been an inspiration to me. You are the BEST!!!!!! Congratulations to you!

My 5th will be coming up in August, and let's just hope my shoulder/arm will be strong and I'll be getting back to normal by then!

Love ya!
Donna emoticon

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DALID414 2/8/2013 4:16PM

    You would be the ONLY one who would make me log on to SP on my computer, I've been ignoring it since I got my iphone, but I couldn't see the video on it.
I'm so glad to "meet" you! You had me emoticon
emoticon is definitely a big deal!! I'm SO motivated to keep up my maintenance.
emoticon emoticon

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OAKBORN 2/8/2013 3:35PM

    Thanks for the shout out! You have added a bright Spark to my life for the last 5 years! You never fail to make me think, or giggle, or just keep going on tough days.

I can't thank you enough for that. emoticon

I will have to retaliate... heh!

Keep on keepin' on!

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RAWCOOKIE 2/8/2013 11:31AM

    Wow, that was so worth listening too - how inspiring is that?! Happy 5th Spark-anniversary!

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NUOVAELLE 2/8/2013 11:19AM

    Wow, Annie! Nice to meet you! It's really incredible to be able to hear a sparkfriend's voice! You are the nice, kind and sweet person I had imagined you would be.
The sparkpeople community is really lucky to have people like you who are still here after five years. We all know that losing the weight is something that most people can do, one way or another, after one or a hundred attempts. But maintaining a healthy weight for five years is the really difficult part. For once more, thank you so much for staying here, giving all of us hope that it's doable!
Happy 5th Sparkversary!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAZZII4 2/8/2013 11:14AM

    Great Vlog! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ANNIEONLI 2/8/2013 10:46AM

    I am glad Amanda! To be completely honest, it's weird to put something (myself in person) out there since this is such a written format! And if you cried with this, then you'd be bawling at the second breakdown! It's a very emotional thing, this losing/maintaining goes deeper than just the whole's transforming on both the physical and mental planes.

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-AMANDA79- 2/8/2013 10:15AM

    Oh my Gosh! I have a huge smile on my face and my eyes are full of tears! So happy for you and your journey.


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How the dead see you

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

5 years ago, I started Spark...for me it was my "hail Mary" pass because before this, nothing "worked" and stuck...and I had had about enough and in fact, my Spark page was titled "Enough is enough!" It was Feb 7, 2008. Looking back, nothing "worked" or "stuck" because I wasn't ready for it to...

It just so happens that Feb 8, 2005 is the anniversary of when my brother in law passed away at the age of 27 from cancer.

So in these 2 days, you can see the juxtaposition of me being happy, and others being sad... and I should be sad too, right? but I cannot be because I see things a bit differently than others in regards to death, dying and so forth.

What I see is a guardian angel that is happy... he smiles down upon us everyday, and is proud of the fact that we (my husband and me) are good parents, we love each other unconditionally, are supportive of our extended families, and are finally healthy instead of obese because life is only a one time thing...and he liked to live, smile and be happy, so seriously, if we were not, I could see him being not so happy with us if we weren't.. it makes sense right?.

He was a person who would not want us moping and crying. Same thing goes for my mom, who I lost at the age of 16 to cancer - she loved life too, and had a wicked sense of humor.. or my godmother and aunt who had no children of her own but who I can still feel hugging me when I was 3, or my other aunt who became our stand-in mother/grandmother support and taught me so much before she passed away too.

And there are, in fact, I go to a wake of a long time friend... and he will be remembered as someone who could talk like crazy and who loved his wife, kids and grandkids with pure joy!

I ask these questions a lot to myself: How do the dead see me? How do the dead see you? Are they happy and at peace because we are happy too...because really, life is meant for the living to be happy and to experience some joy in it in between the bumps and bruises that come along the way.

I read somewhere that typically it takes 7 years to mourn the loss of someone... when I look back, it is a true statement...maybe even a bit longer for some, depending on the circumstances. It's a period of "why's" and hate for something you cannot touch... it's a period of profound sadness... even depression.

But they say that time heals all wounds, and that goes for mourning someone you love as well. It get easier to cope with over time... and the experience of one, helps with another and so on and so forth.

There is the phrase "What would Jesus do?" that is very popular among the Christian folk... it's a good question if you are into that, but if you are not... the more secular question would be "How do the dead see me?" The spirits who love me and watch over me...the guardians that speak to me in my dreams... What do they think of how I live my life? Would they be proud? or would they think that I could do better in how I make my choices?

Quick story...a cousin of mine took my wedding Thank-you pic of me and my hubby with her to a psychic....that was almost 13 years ago. She was concerned on how we were doing after my mom's passing, even though she was dead already 10 years... so showed the pic and the psychic said "They are going to be just fine." I have kept that thought in my head ever since.

Another quick story: My middle sister had the now famous "L.I. Medium" Teresa over to her house about - oh, 4 or 5 years ago... it was her 2nd time with her and I will say this, my sister is a great read (and I can say that everything the medium said has come to pass, believe it or not, but it's true). I openly admit it, I reluctantly went. I sat there, with an open, yet sceptic mind (yes, you can have both) and I was the only one in the room she didn't say anything profound and outright to. $50 gone and an hour and a half later it ended, and I was admittedly a little disappointed... why aren't I getting talked to by the dead? LOL But when I look back... I cannot really say that I am disappointed anymore.

My take on the silence from the medium is this: I am doing AOK. I have peace within myself and those that have passed on. They are around me and I know it. Heck, they pop-up in pictures all the time! My sister even pointed it out in a video! LOL I'm not calling in Ghost Hunters or anything either.. and maybe it's just in our heads, but for us.. it's comforting and reassuring.. and even how we "cope" maybe. I will take it. It's a hug from beyond, a smile and a memory... it's a sign saying that they are still here and not far from our thoughts... not forgotten like one initially thinks will happen when one first experiences a loss.

Now to the point of why I am mentioning this here in a very public weightloss forum: Did you ever notice on the BL that people have these breakdowns and revelations about things in the middle of working out with JM that have nothing to do with the workout at hand?? Deep soul wrenching stuff that they had hidden behind food and eating as a coping mechanism... and then after that... they take on a different approach to how the "game" is played. They see themselves differently... as "healed" even.

What makes that different from your journey here? The only thing would be is that maybe an underlying epiphany is waiting to be had. Something that is holding you back... something you need to admit to yourself, and maybe even to others.. to free yourself on a different plane. Just think about it.

Don't worry, I am not the pot calling the kettle black here. I get a whole lot of what people go through. Heck! I lovingly ate through my emotions for 20 years!! I have had my own revelations and worked through them... part of it is low self-esteem from childhood, another part is from my mom passing away..and there are more parts I am not mentioning, and I am sure there are more that I don't know about! To be continued, I guess....

Today is purely a food for thought blog... if you are hung up on something in the journey, maybe it's not the exercise or nutrition that needs tweaking...but your spirit that needs a good listen to. Think on it, write about it in the planner or in a blog; talk it out... it might help if the thoughts are released into the universe.

Remember: Nothing good ever came from hurting and not being heard.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JESSICABOOTY 2/8/2013 3:53PM

    Your take on how the dead see us is a fascinating piece of writing. I'm going to have to read this over a few times to relish your thoughts. Keep it up, we need some deep thoughts to get us centered on what's really important.

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KANOE10 2/6/2013 8:48AM

    I agree with you about learning to get in touch with your spirit and finding trouble spots. That is a beautiful way to look at life with your guardian angels loving us. I feel my family is with me also. You seem at peace and very happy with your life. It is very inspirational that you have found your way into health and happiness.


Comment edited on: 2/6/2013 8:52:48 AM

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REBECCATKD 2/5/2013 8:25PM

    Let's spread a little more peace and happiness to our loved ones -- both here and gone.

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SPEEDY143 2/5/2013 3:01PM

    Totally agree emoticon

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DALID414 2/5/2013 1:55PM

    You left me thinking...

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PBLITZ 2/5/2013 1:10PM

    Very deep and interesting perspective. Thanks for writing this Annie!! Your Mom must be so proud of you! xoxoxoxo

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WOLFKITTY 2/5/2013 10:34AM

    Lots of truth in there! :)

Sometimes we struggle so hard and for so long and don't really realize what the real thing is that is hindering us. (Hint: It's not the chocolate available at the office.)


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OAKBORN 2/5/2013 10:24AM

    Thanks for planting some great "seeds for thought"!

I every so often feel my folks, my grandparents, friends who have gone on. I guess this is why I remain in a quasi state as a questioner and not a hardcore skeptic.

Hugs my friend. Blessings to you as always! emoticon

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DONNACFIT 2/5/2013 9:45AM

    Interesting blog!! Thanks for sharing!!

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Photograph blog found - good read

Sunday, February 03, 2013

I found this from a friend on FB...and it really hit a cord with me...since I was rarely in photographs prior to the last 5 years of my life...which is sad, because I mattered even when I was heavy but was too stupid to realize that moments are once in a lifetime...enjoy the blog, I hope someone gets something out of it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DWEXCEL 2/8/2013 6:31PM


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KANOE10 2/4/2013 8:21AM

    That was a good blog. She is right. Life is precious and should be enjoyed at the moment. I spent years hating to have my picture taken!

Thanks for sharing/

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DALID414 2/3/2013 2:58PM

    Omg! I emoticon The boyfriend loves taking pictures of me mid laugh (when I'm having a good time) and all I see are the wrinkles around my eyes or how fat my face looks. I always tell him to delete them emoticon
Starting today: NO MORE!!

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WOLFKITTY 2/3/2013 2:20PM

    So true.

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-AMANDA79- 2/3/2013 11:59AM

    Great blog! I've tried to explain this to a couple of my family members, but she does it so much better. I'm guilty too. Even when I like my size in a photo, I still will obsess on how big my nose is or how thin my hair looks. Its really silly.

Thanks for posting. Say cheese! emoticon

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