Monday, March 11, 2013
Sometimes life is a gamble... I am learning this a little late, especially since I am usually on the safer side of the fence: don't disrupt the order of things, don't run with scissors... you know... that kind of being.
But sometimes, life throws you are curveball and things NEED to change and you HAVE TO take a chance on something new, and the only thing that is really holding you back, well...is you.
Eww....how sad is that to think of!
But that is how it is sometimes, and I'd rather rip off the bandaid and realize it now before life goes on without me!
Another EWW!!! What a horrible thought!!! But let's face it, sometimes that happens to people.
Well, today I took a chance and threw a resume into cyberspace.
That alone was weird to do...who the heck knows if I will get a call, but really, there is no time like the present when it comes to certain things, and this, is probably one of those times.
Why not??? What is it going to hurt? Absolutely nothing.
What is weird is that I have no nerves about it - and usually, I am a bundle of nerves lately! We shall see....
Weird that I am not holding my breath either... life's curveballs have had that affect on me since the last 2 months have come to pass...
Anyway, we shall see... we . shall . see...
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Over the weekend...I turned 40.
Over the weekend...I turned off all emails and stopped thinking about work and enjoyed my family and a much needed break.
Over the weekend...Life continued on without me in a certain situation, just as I wanted and intended it to (thus the turned off emails explained a little bit)... and when I took myself out of the equation, the reality of what was going on for 3 months came to a head and others revealed their true colors... and I was no worse for wear, because really, it had nothing to do with me in the first place, I was just a piece in someone else's dream.
Over the weekend...I learned that a dream is a good thing, but dreaming in too many directions all at once, involving too many people in those many dreams, is NOT a good thing...sometimes dreams need a kick in the teeth of reality, and a smaller goals set in order to achieve one realistic goal first, and then you build it from there. You need a plan...I am a planner, no wonder I was a mess when I was listening to another person's scattered dreams.
Over the weekend...the music box became silent.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I have a table with pictures on it...it's sort of like a shrine at this point: the pictures all have their spot, I dust around them, they have been in the same spot since my mom placed them on that table 25 years ago with some additions made here and there, but in general, it is the same as it was...it's intent is still intact, with the faces of our past looking back at us through another generation. It's neat really.
On the table are 2 statues - one of St. Francis (I think it is) and the other is the Virgin Mary...and Mary has a music box in it's teeny tiny base.
Leaning against Mary is a pic of my hubby as a baby that I put there when we moved into the house...and his communion picture is there as well...doing that made him an official part of the family history, I guess.
Well, the story of the music box is this: it is never touched...it is never wound intentionally... I couldn't tell you the last time I touched it... but sometimes, it plays.
When I am home alone, and walk by it to get to my piano, occassionally I will hear a few notes played... and funny enough, it is usually when I am in a ponderous mood.
The last 2 months, the music box has gone off more times that I can count... and it's never when the kids are running though the house, or when a door is slammed... it is always when I walk by.
So, after the second time of noticing it, I started to acknowledge it. Yup, I talk out loud to a music box. Why not? It's always going off when I'm thinking of something heavy....maybe it's a sign. So I thank it for brightening my mind, I thank the spirits around me, and I move on.
Today, I began to plunk out the song "Falling Slowly" from the movie/play "Once" - it's really a guitar/piano duet, but it's stuck in my head, so I youtubed and ituned the heck out of it...and figured to give it a shot...why not, never done that before, might as well give it a go right? And so I began.
Not a note from the music box at all when I walked by... wasn't expecting it really, since it's so random anyway.
I play a little, figure things out... go down fold some laundry... come back to it... run out to the store... come back to it. Real casual...and but I'm getting somewhere with it by ear and that is pretty neat. I'm happy.
This last time I sat down, I hear a little note from the music box. I said "why hello there!" out loud and chuckled and started playing.
The song is coming together nicely, much better than the hour before...I'm in the groove now.
And half way through, I even start to sing a little...and then the music box starts.
It's not the song from the box itself as if it's playing...it's more like it's stopping and starting along with the song I'm playing... sporadic, but fitting in here and there... and I hear it, but keep on playing, and by the end, maybe a full minute...the music box and I played a tune together.
It's the longest I have heard it stop and start like that since it began.. and when I was done playing, the music box was done playing too.
Weird right? totally!!!
But cool too... it's like I'm getting hugs from beyond... and who wouldn't want that?!? Especially now when I need a good hug from beyond.
Thanks guardian angels... I needed that today.
Monday, February 25, 2013
I will not lie on here... and I will openly admit that the last 2 months has absolutely sucked because of various indecisions in my life, and these indecisions that were not on my plate to decide what to do, it was me waiting for action on anothers part... and while I started to say "NO" around the end of January in other areas of life, it wasn't enough to give me clarity, so February kept going with me being in limbo.
Ahhh, sorry to be vague, but everyone has these times in life, so if you have ever been there, then you will know what I mean.
Let's just say this: It's transition time for me. In my work status mainly. I am looking down a path, with several branches in the road...there is a fog too...and it was pretty dense for a while, but as each day goes on, the fog is slowly lifting...and I see some of the paths fall away, and then there are two to choose from... but in my heart, I know, that there is one that I truly wish to follow... and while it is dark and uncertain, and I can barely see the bumps in the road, I know I can handle them - because I am determined, and maybe, just maybe, this is what I was meant to do for a long long time, but didn't know it.
Life is funny like that...you don't know what it will bring you until you are faced with tough decisions... and then your gut will be your guide.
I have always had faith like this. Some use prayer and sight Jesus as being their savior... I, on the other hand, while being a lapsed Roman Catholic (my own term I jokingly use) believe in a higher power mixed with a little dash of fate and a dollop of instinct on what path to choose... that being a good person in general will eventually work in the long run...and the long run is really that the afterlife will be a lovely place rather than one of the rings from Dante's Inferno.
If you can't tell it yet... I studied theology and ancient civilizaitons in my past... Latin too. I am a veritable cornucopia of bit and pieces of useless information that make me who I am... and while mostly useless in everyday life, I am finding all these bits and pieces invaluable when teaching my kids.. another joy that I have found and need to acknowledge because it is, to quote Martha Stewart "it's a good thing."
So here are the list of joys my eyes beheld this morning:
- 133 on the scale and the "skinny" jean still fit just fine even though eating and drinking have been abysmal, let's face it, the last 3 months... first because of holidays and then because of stress
- my middle guy has a talent for the recorder and not really the violin (short fingers, poor thing).. and he plays the recorder beautifully and for hours at a time (you'd think I would be annoyed, but he is that good..). and so I suggested he try the clarinet next year - and he BEAMED with pride at my praise and the fact that I accually have a clarinet from when I was a kid, somewhere in the closet upstairs (told you I was a font of useless information! LOL) I will be digging it out momentarily.
- my hubby is behind my decisions - he is trying to play Devil's Advocate too, but this time, bless his heart, I am not backing down...and he sees it and appreciates it. Love him for that.
- Other decisions made are for the greater good...even though they may be hard to take, it's still the best decision to be made at the time... and I am AOK with that.
My Joy is emerging slowly once again.
I signed up for a 5K at my old high school....it is in a month, and something to focus on other than work. It will give me clarity in other ways...get me on the path...an attainable goal for the near future. That is what we must do sometimes...it helps when things are up in the air.
So, dear Spark friends....when you see me quiet on here, it's not that I have gone away....it just that life gets in the way.
I hope all is well....wish me luck too!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I am constantly pulling at them.
Today is just a little harder to pull on, but eventually, the boots will come up all the way.
They always do, right?
Some days are harder than others though, especially when you feel like someone kicked the boots to far to even reach.
Speaking of which, right now...I feel barefoot and raw, boots nowhere in sight..hidden under the bed amonst the residing dust bunnies.
It's ok...I'll figure out how to get them within arms reach sooner than later.
But not right now...I am letting them lie under the bed while I lay on top for a while.
No rush for today...no rush at all.
Sometimes it's ok to let things sit in order to think things out...the boots will be there later, needing to be dusted off and picked up once again.
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