Monday, February 25, 2013
I will not lie on here... and I will openly admit that the last 2 months has absolutely sucked because of various indecisions in my life, and these indecisions that were not on my plate to decide what to do, it was me waiting for action on anothers part... and while I started to say "NO" around the end of January in other areas of life, it wasn't enough to give me clarity, so February kept going with me being in limbo.
Ahhh, sorry to be vague, but everyone has these times in life, so if you have ever been there, then you will know what I mean.
Let's just say this: It's transition time for me. In my work status mainly. I am looking down a path, with several branches in the road...there is a fog too...and it was pretty dense for a while, but as each day goes on, the fog is slowly lifting...and I see some of the paths fall away, and then there are two to choose from... but in my heart, I know, that there is one that I truly wish to follow... and while it is dark and uncertain, and I can barely see the bumps in the road, I know I can handle them - because I am determined, and maybe, just maybe, this is what I was meant to do for a long long time, but didn't know it.
Life is funny like that...you don't know what it will bring you until you are faced with tough decisions... and then your gut will be your guide.
I have always had faith like this. Some use prayer and sight Jesus as being their savior... I, on the other hand, while being a lapsed Roman Catholic (my own term I jokingly use) believe in a higher power mixed with a little dash of fate and a dollop of instinct on what path to choose... that being a good person in general will eventually work in the long run...and the long run is really that the afterlife will be a lovely place rather than one of the rings from Dante's Inferno.
If you can't tell it yet... I studied theology and ancient civilizaitons in my past... Latin too. I am a veritable cornucopia of bit and pieces of useless information that make me who I am... and while mostly useless in everyday life, I am finding all these bits and pieces invaluable when teaching my kids.. another joy that I have found and need to acknowledge because it is, to quote Martha Stewart "it's a good thing."
So here are the list of joys my eyes beheld this morning:
- 133 on the scale and the "skinny" jean still fit just fine even though eating and drinking have been abysmal, let's face it, the last 3 months... first because of holidays and then because of stress
- my middle guy has a talent for the recorder and not really the violin (short fingers, poor thing).. and he plays the recorder beautifully and for hours at a time (you'd think I would be annoyed, but he is that good..). and so I suggested he try the clarinet next year - and he BEAMED with pride at my praise and the fact that I accually have a clarinet from when I was a kid, somewhere in the closet upstairs (told you I was a font of useless information! LOL) I will be digging it out momentarily.
- my hubby is behind my decisions - he is trying to play Devil's Advocate too, but this time, bless his heart, I am not backing down...and he sees it and appreciates it. Love him for that.
- Other decisions made are for the greater good...even though they may be hard to take, it's still the best decision to be made at the time... and I am AOK with that.
My Joy is emerging slowly once again.
I signed up for a 5K at my old high school....it is in a month, and something to focus on other than work. It will give me clarity in other ways...get me on the path...an attainable goal for the near future. That is what we must do sometimes...it helps when things are up in the air.
So, dear Spark friends....when you see me quiet on here, it's not that I have gone away....it just that life gets in the way.
I hope all is well....wish me luck too!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I am constantly pulling at them.
Today is just a little harder to pull on, but eventually, the boots will come up all the way.
They always do, right?
Some days are harder than others though, especially when you feel like someone kicked the boots to far to even reach.
Speaking of which, right now...I feel barefoot and raw, boots nowhere in sight..hidden under the bed amonst the residing dust bunnies.
It's ok...I'll figure out how to get them within arms reach sooner than later.
But not right now...I am letting them lie under the bed while I lay on top for a while.
No rush for today...no rush at all.
Sometimes it's ok to let things sit in order to think things out...the boots will be there later, needing to be dusted off and picked up once again.
Friday, February 08, 2013
This is my very first vlog...and it's the very first take too. Just wanted to say hello to all my fellow Sparkers.. and send a thank you as well.
Sorry about the low sound quality...and for the water bottle banging loud on the table! LOL
I tried to do another take, but it's not so great when you get overemotional and start crying in a vlog! LOL
And just a shout out to Jenni real quick: I am wearing the bracelet on my right wrist!! I wanted to mention it in the video but forgot!!
Thanks for all the support Sparkers!!
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
5 years ago, I started Spark...for me it was my "hail Mary" pass because before this, nothing "worked" and stuck...and I had had about enough and in fact, my Spark page was titled "Enough is enough!" It was Feb 7, 2008. Looking back, nothing "worked" or "stuck" because I wasn't ready for it to...
It just so happens that Feb 8, 2005 is the anniversary of when my brother in law passed away at the age of 27 from cancer.
So in these 2 days, you can see the juxtaposition of me being happy, and others being sad... and I should be sad too, right? but I cannot be because I see things a bit differently than others in regards to death, dying and so forth.
What I see is a guardian angel that is happy... he smiles down upon us everyday, and is proud of the fact that we (my husband and me) are good parents, we love each other unconditionally, are supportive of our extended families, and are finally healthy instead of obese because life is only a one time thing...and he liked to live, smile and be happy, so seriously, if we were not, I could see him being not so happy with us if we weren't.. it makes sense right?.
He was a person who would not want us moping and crying. Same thing goes for my mom, who I lost at the age of 16 to cancer - she loved life too, and had a wicked sense of humor.. or my godmother and aunt who had no children of her own but who I can still feel hugging me when I was 3, or my other aunt who became our stand-in mother/grandmother support and taught me so much before she passed away too.
And there are others.....today, in fact, I go to a wake of a long time friend... and he will be remembered as someone who could talk like crazy and who loved his wife, kids and grandkids with pure joy!
I ask these questions a lot to myself: How do the dead see me? How do the dead see you? Are they happy and at peace because we are happy too...because really, life is meant for the living to be happy and to experience some joy in it in between the bumps and bruises that come along the way.
I read somewhere that typically it takes 7 years to mourn the loss of someone... when I look back, it is a true statement...maybe even a bit longer for some, depending on the circumstances. It's a period of "why's" and hate for something you cannot touch... it's a period of profound sadness... even depression.
But they say that time heals all wounds, and that goes for mourning someone you love as well. It get easier to cope with over time... and the experience of one, helps with another and so on and so forth.
There is the phrase "What would Jesus do?" that is very popular among the Christian folk... it's a good question if you are into that, but if you are not... the more secular question would be "How do the dead see me?" The spirits who love me and watch over me...the guardians that speak to me in my dreams... What do they think of how I live my life? Would they be proud? or would they think that I could do better in how I make my choices?
Quick story...a cousin of mine took my wedding Thank-you pic of me and my hubby with her to a psychic....that was almost 13 years ago. She was concerned on how we were doing after my mom's passing, even though she was dead already 10 years... so showed the pic and the psychic said "They are going to be just fine." I have kept that thought in my head ever since.
Another quick story: My middle sister had the now famous "L.I. Medium" Teresa over to her house about - oh, 4 or 5 years ago... it was her 2nd time with her and I will say this, my sister is a great read (and I can say that everything the medium said has come to pass, believe it or not, but it's true). I openly admit it, I reluctantly went. I sat there, with an open, yet sceptic mind (yes, you can have both) and I was the only one in the room she didn't say anything profound and outright to. $50 gone and an hour and a half later it ended, and I was admittedly a little disappointed... why aren't I getting talked to by the dead? LOL But when I look back... I cannot really say that I am disappointed anymore.
My take on the silence from the medium is this: I am doing AOK. I have peace within myself and those that have passed on. They are around me and I know it. Heck, they pop-up in pictures all the time! My sister even pointed it out in a video! LOL I'm not calling in Ghost Hunters or anything either.. and maybe it's just in our heads, but for us.. it's comforting and reassuring.. and even how we "cope" maybe. I will take it. It's a hug from beyond, a smile and a memory... it's a sign saying that they are still here and not far from our thoughts... not forgotten like one initially thinks will happen when one first experiences a loss.
Now to the point of why I am mentioning this here in a very public weightloss forum: Did you ever notice on the BL that people have these breakdowns and revelations about things in the middle of working out with JM that have nothing to do with the workout at hand?? Deep soul wrenching stuff that they had hidden behind food and eating as a coping mechanism... and then after that... they take on a different approach to how the "game" is played. They see themselves differently... as "healed" even.
What makes that different from your journey here? The only thing would be is that maybe an underlying epiphany is waiting to be had. Something that is holding you back... something you need to admit to yourself, and maybe even to others.. to free yourself on a different plane. Just think about it.
Don't worry, I am not the pot calling the kettle black here. I get a whole lot of what people go through. Heck! I lovingly ate through my emotions for 20 years!! I have had my own revelations and worked through them... part of it is low self-esteem from childhood, another part is from my mom passing away..and there are more parts I am not mentioning, and I am sure there are more that I don't know about! To be continued, I guess....
Today is purely a food for thought blog... if you are hung up on something in the journey, maybe it's not the exercise or nutrition that needs tweaking...but your spirit that needs a good listen to. Think on it, write about it in the planner or in a blog; talk it out... it might help if the thoughts are released into the universe.
Remember: Nothing good ever came from hurting and not being heard.
Sunday, February 03, 2013
I found this from a friend on FB...and it really hit a cord with me...since I was rarely in photographs prior to the last 5 years of my life...which is sad, because I mattered even when I was heavy but was too stupid to realize that moments are once in a lifetime...enjoy the blog, I hope someone gets something out of it.
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