Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I have a table with pictures on it...it's sort of like a shrine at this point: the pictures all have their spot, I dust around them, they have been in the same spot since my mom placed them on that table 25 years ago with some additions made here and there, but in general, it is the same as it was...it's intent is still intact, with the faces of our past looking back at us through another generation. It's neat really.
On the table are 2 statues - one of St. Francis (I think it is) and the other is the Virgin Mary...and Mary has a music box in it's teeny tiny base.
Leaning against Mary is a pic of my hubby as a baby that I put there when we moved into the house...and his communion picture is there as well...doing that made him an official part of the family history, I guess.
Well, the story of the music box is this: it is never touched...it is never wound intentionally... I couldn't tell you the last time I touched it... but sometimes, it plays.
When I am home alone, and walk by it to get to my piano, occassionally I will hear a few notes played... and funny enough, it is usually when I am in a ponderous mood.
The last 2 months, the music box has gone off more times that I can count... and it's never when the kids are running though the house, or when a door is slammed... it is always when I walk by.
So, after the second time of noticing it, I started to acknowledge it. Yup, I talk out loud to a music box. Why not? It's always going off when I'm thinking of something heavy....maybe it's a sign. So I thank it for brightening my mind, I thank the spirits around me, and I move on.
Today, I began to plunk out the song "Falling Slowly" from the movie/play "Once" - it's really a guitar/piano duet, but it's stuck in my head, so I youtubed and ituned the heck out of it...and figured to give it a shot...why not, never done that before, might as well give it a go right? And so I began.
Not a note from the music box at all when I walked by... wasn't expecting it really, since it's so random anyway.
I play a little, figure things out... go down fold some laundry... come back to it... run out to the store... come back to it. Real casual...and but I'm getting somewhere with it by ear and that is pretty neat. I'm happy.
This last time I sat down, I hear a little note from the music box. I said "why hello there!" out loud and chuckled and started playing.
The song is coming together nicely, much better than the hour before...I'm in the groove now.
And half way through, I even start to sing a little...and then the music box starts.
It's not the song from the box itself as if it's playing...it's more like it's stopping and starting along with the song I'm playing... sporadic, but fitting in here and there... and I hear it, but keep on playing, and by the end, maybe a full minute...the music box and I played a tune together.
It's the longest I have heard it stop and start like that since it began.. and when I was done playing, the music box was done playing too.
Weird right? totally!!!
But cool too... it's like I'm getting hugs from beyond... and who wouldn't want that?!? Especially now when I need a good hug from beyond.
Thanks guardian angels... I needed that today.
Monday, February 25, 2013
I will not lie on here... and I will openly admit that the last 2 months has absolutely sucked because of various indecisions in my life, and these indecisions that were not on my plate to decide what to do, it was me waiting for action on anothers part... and while I started to say "NO" around the end of January in other areas of life, it wasn't enough to give me clarity, so February kept going with me being in limbo.
Ahhh, sorry to be vague, but everyone has these times in life, so if you have ever been there, then you will know what I mean.
Let's just say this: It's transition time for me. In my work status mainly. I am looking down a path, with several branches in the road...there is a fog too...and it was pretty dense for a while, but as each day goes on, the fog is slowly lifting...and I see some of the paths fall away, and then there are two to choose from... but in my heart, I know, that there is one that I truly wish to follow... and while it is dark and uncertain, and I can barely see the bumps in the road, I know I can handle them - because I am determined, and maybe, just maybe, this is what I was meant to do for a long long time, but didn't know it.
Life is funny like that...you don't know what it will bring you until you are faced with tough decisions... and then your gut will be your guide.
I have always had faith like this. Some use prayer and sight Jesus as being their savior... I, on the other hand, while being a lapsed Roman Catholic (my own term I jokingly use) believe in a higher power mixed with a little dash of fate and a dollop of instinct on what path to choose... that being a good person in general will eventually work in the long run...and the long run is really that the afterlife will be a lovely place rather than one of the rings from Dante's Inferno.
If you can't tell it yet... I studied theology and ancient civilizaitons in my past... Latin too. I am a veritable cornucopia of bit and pieces of useless information that make me who I am... and while mostly useless in everyday life, I am finding all these bits and pieces invaluable when teaching my kids.. another joy that I have found and need to acknowledge because it is, to quote Martha Stewart "it's a good thing."
So here are the list of joys my eyes beheld this morning:
- 133 on the scale and the "skinny" jean still fit just fine even though eating and drinking have been abysmal, let's face it, the last 3 months... first because of holidays and then because of stress
- my middle guy has a talent for the recorder and not really the violin (short fingers, poor thing).. and he plays the recorder beautifully and for hours at a time (you'd think I would be annoyed, but he is that good..). and so I suggested he try the clarinet next year - and he BEAMED with pride at my praise and the fact that I accually have a clarinet from when I was a kid, somewhere in the closet upstairs (told you I was a font of useless information! LOL) I will be digging it out momentarily.
- my hubby is behind my decisions - he is trying to play Devil's Advocate too, but this time, bless his heart, I am not backing down...and he sees it and appreciates it. Love him for that.
- Other decisions made are for the greater good...even though they may be hard to take, it's still the best decision to be made at the time... and I am AOK with that.
My Joy is emerging slowly once again.
I signed up for a 5K at my old high school....it is in a month, and something to focus on other than work. It will give me clarity in other ways...get me on the path...an attainable goal for the near future. That is what we must do sometimes...it helps when things are up in the air.
So, dear Spark friends....when you see me quiet on here, it's not that I have gone away....it just that life gets in the way.
I hope all is well....wish me luck too!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I am constantly pulling at them.
Today is just a little harder to pull on, but eventually, the boots will come up all the way.
They always do, right?
Some days are harder than others though, especially when you feel like someone kicked the boots to far to even reach.
Speaking of which, right now...I feel barefoot and raw, boots nowhere in sight..hidden under the bed amonst the residing dust bunnies.
It's ok...I'll figure out how to get them within arms reach sooner than later.
But not right now...I am letting them lie under the bed while I lay on top for a while.
No rush for today...no rush at all.
Sometimes it's ok to let things sit in order to think things out...the boots will be there later, needing to be dusted off and picked up once again.
Friday, February 08, 2013
This is my very first vlog...and it's the very first take too. Just wanted to say hello to all my fellow Sparkers.. and send a thank you as well.
Sorry about the low sound quality...and for the water bottle banging loud on the table! LOL
I tried to do another take, but it's not so great when you get overemotional and start crying in a vlog! LOL
And just a shout out to Jenni real quick: I am wearing the bracelet on my right wrist!! I wanted to mention it in the video but forgot!!
Thanks for all the support Sparkers!!
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
5 years ago, I started Spark...for me it was my "hail Mary" pass because before this, nothing "worked" and stuck...and I had had about enough and in fact, my Spark page was titled "Enough is enough!" It was Feb 7, 2008. Looking back, nothing "worked" or "stuck" because I wasn't ready for it to...
It just so happens that Feb 8, 2005 is the anniversary of when my brother in law passed away at the age of 27 from cancer.
So in these 2 days, you can see the juxtaposition of me being happy, and others being sad... and I should be sad too, right? but I cannot be because I see things a bit differently than others in regards to death, dying and so forth.
What I see is a guardian angel that is happy... he smiles down upon us everyday, and is proud of the fact that we (my husband and me) are good parents, we love each other unconditionally, are supportive of our extended families, and are finally healthy instead of obese because life is only a one time thing...and he liked to live, smile and be happy, so seriously, if we were not, I could see him being not so happy with us if we weren't.. it makes sense right?.
He was a person who would not want us moping and crying. Same thing goes for my mom, who I lost at the age of 16 to cancer - she loved life too, and had a wicked sense of humor.. or my godmother and aunt who had no children of her own but who I can still feel hugging me when I was 3, or my other aunt who became our stand-in mother/grandmother support and taught me so much before she passed away too.
And there are others.....today, in fact, I go to a wake of a long time friend... and he will be remembered as someone who could talk like crazy and who loved his wife, kids and grandkids with pure joy!
I ask these questions a lot to myself: How do the dead see me? How do the dead see you? Are they happy and at peace because we are happy too...because really, life is meant for the living to be happy and to experience some joy in it in between the bumps and bruises that come along the way.
I read somewhere that typically it takes 7 years to mourn the loss of someone... when I look back, it is a true statement...maybe even a bit longer for some, depending on the circumstances. It's a period of "why's" and hate for something you cannot touch... it's a period of profound sadness... even depression.
But they say that time heals all wounds, and that goes for mourning someone you love as well. It get easier to cope with over time... and the experience of one, helps with another and so on and so forth.
There is the phrase "What would Jesus do?" that is very popular among the Christian folk... it's a good question if you are into that, but if you are not... the more secular question would be "How do the dead see me?" The spirits who love me and watch over me...the guardians that speak to me in my dreams... What do they think of how I live my life? Would they be proud? or would they think that I could do better in how I make my choices?
Quick story...a cousin of mine took my wedding Thank-you pic of me and my hubby with her to a psychic....that was almost 13 years ago. She was concerned on how we were doing after my mom's passing, even though she was dead already 10 years... so showed the pic and the psychic said "They are going to be just fine." I have kept that thought in my head ever since.
Another quick story: My middle sister had the now famous "L.I. Medium" Teresa over to her house about - oh, 4 or 5 years ago... it was her 2nd time with her and I will say this, my sister is a great read (and I can say that everything the medium said has come to pass, believe it or not, but it's true). I openly admit it, I reluctantly went. I sat there, with an open, yet sceptic mind (yes, you can have both) and I was the only one in the room she didn't say anything profound and outright to. $50 gone and an hour and a half later it ended, and I was admittedly a little disappointed... why aren't I getting talked to by the dead? LOL But when I look back... I cannot really say that I am disappointed anymore.
My take on the silence from the medium is this: I am doing AOK. I have peace within myself and those that have passed on. They are around me and I know it. Heck, they pop-up in pictures all the time! My sister even pointed it out in a video! LOL I'm not calling in Ghost Hunters or anything either.. and maybe it's just in our heads, but for us.. it's comforting and reassuring.. and even how we "cope" maybe. I will take it. It's a hug from beyond, a smile and a memory... it's a sign saying that they are still here and not far from our thoughts... not forgotten like one initially thinks will happen when one first experiences a loss.
Now to the point of why I am mentioning this here in a very public weightloss forum: Did you ever notice on the BL that people have these breakdowns and revelations about things in the middle of working out with JM that have nothing to do with the workout at hand?? Deep soul wrenching stuff that they had hidden behind food and eating as a coping mechanism... and then after that... they take on a different approach to how the "game" is played. They see themselves differently... as "healed" even.
What makes that different from your journey here? The only thing would be is that maybe an underlying epiphany is waiting to be had. Something that is holding you back... something you need to admit to yourself, and maybe even to others.. to free yourself on a different plane. Just think about it.
Don't worry, I am not the pot calling the kettle black here. I get a whole lot of what people go through. Heck! I lovingly ate through my emotions for 20 years!! I have had my own revelations and worked through them... part of it is low self-esteem from childhood, another part is from my mom passing away..and there are more parts I am not mentioning, and I am sure there are more that I don't know about! To be continued, I guess....
Today is purely a food for thought blog... if you are hung up on something in the journey, maybe it's not the exercise or nutrition that needs tweaking...but your spirit that needs a good listen to. Think on it, write about it in the planner or in a blog; talk it out... it might help if the thoughts are released into the universe.
Remember: Nothing good ever came from hurting and not being heard.
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