Sunday, April 14, 2013
I am just going to save this now...and continue on it as time goes by in the next hour or two, so don't be surprised if things change while you are actually read this one.
Well, because at 4am, when I couldn't sleep - I poured my heart out into a blog and when I hit 'post' ...well...it was just not there.
It has happened before to me. Maybe I just take to long to post a blog...because I actually THINK and PROCESS while I write things out.
And this , btw, is me being PISSED because this one was awwwweeesssooooommmme.
And now it is gone.
Sure...I can repeat it, but it just won't be the same. I'm hitting POST now...let's see what happens.
WELL WELL WELL....it seems that anything written under 2 minutes is saved! AMAZING! LOL
Yes, you are hearing sarcasm OOOOOZING out of my fingertips because there is nothing more annoying that pouring ones heart out and then having it erased. Like I said, it has happened more that once to me. Maybe it's the Safari platform I am using. Maybe I am just too wordy. Maybe there is a conspiracy theory out there that would suit my frustrated needs better...like aliens from Mars are stealing my words to write a ghostwriter book without me knowing it.
The deleted blog I was talking about was about my being sad. Funny how that changed over to being MAD as hell. So therefore, I must conclude that I am having raging PMS.
Yup....I get that way. Sweet little old me can be sarcastic, pissy, and grumpy all in a 12 hour time span ...and to keep my family happy today, I am trying to bite my tongue at all of their small things they do that are being zoomed in one hundred fold because of my heightened hormal state.
See....I am sensitive like that. (Hitting the POST button again.)
AHA! It's saved again! Thank got for the EDIT button!!!
I know I am not the only one who experiences this on websites. I don't know what it is, but seriously... it can get SO frustrating! Like filling out a form and then the whole thing is just gone because you clicked the "back" button.
I was on a site the other day....took 40 minutes to get things just so and I hit send...and poof! Error. Ugh. Computers are great but not when stuff like that happens.
I sound like a broken record. Sorry.....it's the hormones talking. LOL
So back to the sad 4am blog.
I woke up sad.
Yesterday, it hit me at work that I was saying good-bye forever to people who have been in my life for 22 years. Figure 8 people a day, 3 days a week, for the next 6 weeks, I will be saying good by to many many more people. That's part of being in a service industry and then retiring/closing the office you are in...it's about closure, it's about sending everyone off on the right foot; it's about being encouraging and supportive to these people, but when you turn around... sometimes YOU are the one who needs the support.
_______ posting again, please stand by______
So yesterday, I said good-bye to a 23 year old woman who I will forever remember as a 10 year old....maybe even younger...like 6. I gave her a hug and just started crying, and so did she...and so did her mother, who happened to be going to our office since she was 8 years old.
The overflow valve on all of the pressure steamer finally gave way. Heck, just writing this makes me tear up. Hormonal mess, like I said.
While I totally get that closure is important and moving on is important...sometimes the emotions of things just sneak up and then you realize that some of the behaviors going on....and totally linked to those emotions....yup, I am talking about emotional eating. I wasn't even aware of it until this morning.
__________________ posting again....please stand by_______
This stress is completely different from the stress I had 2 months ago. The emotional eating that happened 20 years ago, which I THOUGHT was under control is peaking its ugly head out from under a rock...the only difference now is that I see it.
I acknowledge you - you ugly bastardo!
And sure, I am here on Spark, but not as a truly active, work through your stuff Sparker - I have been hanging out here as support, but let me tell you guys...I'm coming back with a need for support....big time.
This life transition might take me for a loop if I am not careful. I am aware of it, and that is half the battle, but even so, it is scary. I am scared. While I possess TONs of positive energy...there is that doubt that things can hit the fan. That is scary.
Add that scary on top of sad... not a good combo to keep bottled up inside.
______posting again....please standy by______
Basically....that was what I was posting at 4am that got deleted. This stuff above..typed uber fast and off the cuff of what I remembered...what I wanted to convey, but in a nutshell.
And I know that this is probably the most bizarre blog I have ever written too....but getting it out is better than bottling it up inside. Hey, I talk the talk to others....so here I am to walk the walk! Cathartic is the word...it's good to get it out there.
Hey. I never said life was peachy keen and all sunshine and roses, now did I ? Life is messy, scary, hard...but it's also wonderful, crazy, beautiful and exciting.
That last part is something I have to remember when I get hormonal like this. Now...it's time to yell at a lacrosse gave and then mulch the yard...exersion at it's finest!
Thanks for listening and I hope you had some fun with this crazy post!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Just received a nice email from a HUMAN BEING about a position in a corporate company about an application I put in.
So basically I wrote back a little bit, slightly long, but concise email (can that even be? LOL) back answering the questions and giving the weightloss history of me. Yup, Spark was mentioned - how could I not! LOL I hope it doesn't shoot me in the foot though! LOL
Anyway, It's all about what you bring to the table right? About another path in life.
I don't know where this journey is going to take me...I have a lot of paths still before me, but as days go by, the paths get clearer as to what to do and what not to do.
That's a good observation when you are faced with tons of question marks, so I will take it, especially to keep my sanity...for my family's sake!
As for Maintenance - SAME old SAME old here.... nothing new and exciting. Nothing profound to observe at all.
Maybe that is an observation in an of itself....that eventually, life is just ...well, life. As it should be...without worrying about this and that because in the end, it all becomes one good habit.
That would be a nice observation now, wouldn't it. THAT is worth blogging about!
Friday, April 05, 2013
So last everyone heard from me is that I was training for a 5K...and the treadmill workouts were great (I only did 3 of them) but still, they were great because I ran 2 miles straight without stopping on the darned thing and I went from 26 minutes to 23 minutes in 4 days. Not too shabby for someone who doesn't run all the time and also for someone who really hasn't worked out in months. Thank you muscle memory. Thank you crazy life for keeping me always on the move so my cardio isn't at a complete loss.
Life here is kinda kookee for me right now. I am closing my office after 43 of it being open...and it's a good thing, because retirement is due for the lovely man I work for (my dad) and it's time for some closure for the staff and clients...and we are doing it the right way. That's all I will say about that...because I really have never talked about work on here, and I am not about to start now
HOWEVER... I will say this: I am now job hunting. Come June, I am a free agent! And there are many things to consider, many avenues to go down, and while daunting... I am keeping the faith that things will work out for a reason. They have before, so I will continue on that path.
Things I am considering are independent consulting and assembly programs...I just need to focus on the subject matter and keep up my research. The money aspect is the daunting part, because it's going to take a while to get things up and running and I might not see a profit on it for at least a year. SO....
That brings me to the immediate future and what to do about that. Single income on LI = not so good = scraping by. Just like anywhere else really, but inflate the prices of everything ten fold. Yay. Good times, good times.....
Anyway, I have put the feelers out there. Where? Well...I sent resume's out and I got a inquiry email request for more info. I have to call back today..we shall see what happens.
This change of life also means a big hiccup in my daily routine. Past behavior: Me home + hubby home (teacher) = we eat and gain weight together. Sweet huh? Not so much when old habits are easy to go back to and hellloooooo, we are emotional eaters here...and stress of no job is looming... SO we are both on guard for the bad behaviors to give us a challenge.
Go ahead....make my day, is what I am saying. Go ahead past devil behavior....TRY it.
That alone is the difference between passing and failing this test. Overcome or be overcome.
I choose to overcome.
I will pass this test.
I have the knowledge, I have the tools....I will win in the end.
Oh...I almost forgot...the 5K story: epic walk is what it turned out to be! LOL Freezing cold... hills... friend with bum knee... 50 minutes later they were closing up shop and all the walkers left on the course were forgotten about by all the runners...and we weren't even the last ones in!!! There were 15 to 20 people behind us! It was a disgrace in my opinion. The teenagers on the course left their posts, we got lost because the markings were terrible. We told the organizer and she was pissed at the report. SO, maybe next year, I will volunteer to put my 2 cents in just in regards to the walkers!! Hey, maybe next year, I will call on my fellow Long Island Sparkers to show this group how it's really done! Walkers COUNT even in a 5K!!
OK - I am off of my soap box But it really fried my fritter!
So that is that....I am off to NYC now to eat my way through an Italian dinner and drink and be merry with my sisters for a 40th birthday celebration! Woohoo!!
Oh...and I have to call that recruiter...almost forgot
Have a good one!
PS - Recruiter-schmooter....what a crock of horshsh!t that was!
a) you can't answer my questions b) you have attitude when I DO ask them c) you just badly represented the company ...good job lady. NOT cool. But THANK you so much for the insight into what NOT to do.. what I would NEVER do if I were in your position...and also, it opened my eyes a whole lot of other things and have me new insight about my own path.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I have been thinking a lot about long term maintenance lately. I am technically 3 years in, but really, I myself count it as 5.
Why 5? Well, that is when things "clicked" for me and I changed my attitude and mind set for good...for life. My Sparkpage was titled "Enough is enough" back then...and it was.
What made that time different than all of the other times before. Maybe it was maturity. Maybe it was coming to terms with past life issues. Maybe it was wanting a healthy future for my kids...the kids were new to the picture, it wasn't just about me this time...it was about them. But those are MY reasons...
Which brings me to the thought that maybe that is what it's really about. Good reasons to finally kick it into healthy gear.
For example: It's not about getting into a dress for an event - that is superficial. It is not about being 10 pounds lighter for a reunion - again, superficial. It is not about being as thin as you were in highschool, or before you got married - again, all superficial. Call me crazy, but I have NEVER read a blog about someone losing 40 pounds JUST for a high school reunion and then keeping it off for years later. Heck, if anyone has, then please, please, speak up.
What it is really is about is being healthy...and if being thin comes as a bonus to that, then so be it!
Maybe that is what changed in my head.
Now fast forward to year 3 of maintenance. For the fist year, I tracked nutrition religiously. The second year, sporadically - on and off as needed. Entering year 3 - I have not tracked food in a while, I exercise sporadically, I watch things because I learned my limitations based on YEARS of active observation on my part. I learned how my body works. I learned the cycles of holidays. I learned the attitudes of myself and others around celebration and how to spin it to my advantage. I don't deny myself anything. I keep my healthy water drinking habit up like it's a life or death thing. This is my way, others have theirs, but this...this is mine.
By year 3, you really should know how things are. You know better. However, it doesn't mean that you will not get derailed and HAVE to go back to the basics from time to time. Knowing when to go back to the basics is the key. I still go back to the basics when I need to.
It also doesn't mean that life won't throw you a curve ball in the form of a tragedy or injury, and you won't have to deal with it. Oh, you will because this is life. How you handle that with all of your past knowledge will be what sets you apart from the rest. Forks in the road will come up, and you will have to choose...kinda like using "the Force" in Star Wars.
I introduced the kids to the old phrase "Practice Makes Perfect". It's a phrase not used to much today - I have rarely heard it from a teacher in the last 5 years....maybe it's because society knows that nothing is "perfect" and it's too much pressure for a kid. BullSh!t is what I say. Practice makes perfect for you. If it's 80%, then great, that is your perfect...but damn it, practice to your fullest potential.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
You and I have been together,
Since I ever could remember.
You been patted, squished
Been the torment of my youth.
You have never truly gone away,
And maybe that is why today
I barely tend to think of you
As really something, not that new.
You have come and gone through pregnancies
Hanging out inside my jeans.
Whether then size 16 or now a 6,
You always seem to get your kicks
By hanging out and staying there
Tucked inside my underwear.
Iím 40 now and over you.
There is really nothing I can do
Because gravity now is not a friend
My boobs, my butt have joined the sag,
Looking like a crumpled bag.
Youíre not that important after all
Forgot about you when Motherhood called.
The kids they really do not care
That you are ever present there.
Iím amazed that you were so important
To me so long ago.
It seems that with age Iím all the wiser
To go along with the flow.
If I could take back anything
It would be the time I lost
Worrying about something dumb
Really wasnít worth the cost.
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