Thursday, May 09, 2013
I know the title doesn't make much sense to anyone but me. Maybe it will when you're finished reading this entry.
This is a picture of my mom & I.
I'm sad to say there were only 2 more pictures ever taken of her after this, one of which was at my vow renewal.
I'm STILL so ANGRY with her because I truly feel as if she SHOULD still be here. Here for my dad, her kids & her grandkids. She left too soon & part of it is her own dam fault!
Last year I was so sad & still consumed with grief that I hardly got out of bed. I did the absolute bare minimum on Mother's Day for my kids. I didn't deal with the feelings the day brought about last year because it was all I could do just to get through it. This year I find myself really, truly ANGRY & I don't like that. Yes she was brave in going for quality of life by having the surgery, but she waited too dam long! Maybe I'd feel differently if she had taken care of herself, but we'll never know!
My girls will never get to grow up having a Grandma to take them places, to look at them from the stands when they graduate or watch them walk down the aisle when they get married.
I can see her suffering in her final hours when I go to sleep at night. I haven't seen that for awhile. It's only been in the past week as Mother's Day approaches. I can hear my dad's voice as his heart broke when he accepted that she wasn't going to make it. I can hear him say this to me when I asked what I could do for him before she died "Get me wife that won't eat herself to death!". I don't want to go through that myself, nor do I want my husband or kids to see me that way. I'm still so angry with her & I don't know how to get past it.
Her death is what pushed me to Weight Watchers in August. Her death is what gets me back on track when I have a bad day or bad week. Ultimately, her death was her final gift to me because it knocked me out of my own denial about my weight issues. Her death FORCED me to deal with my own declining health.
Yesterday I went completely off program & ate whatever I wanted & did no exercise. I didn't go hog wild, eating to the point I was going to burst. I ate until I was satisfied, but I ate anything I wanted to.
Today it's back on program for me. I could be into all of the snacks we have in the house for school lunches, but I'm not. I'm here instead. I'm drinking water instead. I'm crying instead. I'm working through my emotions instead.
I had my husband take us out to dinner last weekend for an early Mother's Day because I KNEW if we did it this weekend, I'd eat myself sick because I'd be so upset. He didn't even have to ask why. He already knew the answer.
My mom raised me to be strong, confident, caring, kind & she told me I could do anything I set my mind to. We had many issues also, like most mothers & daughters do, but on the whole she was an incredible woman. A woman I was fortunate to be able to call "Mom"....but I'm still angry at her & I need to find a way move past it.
This is how I NEED to remember her, but it's hard when I'm still so angry.