Friday, November 15, 2013
A clichť? Maybe, but for me nothing rings truer. For the first time in my life, I know that I have abused food. I didnít do it on purpose. I didnít seek to control my emotions with it, but now nearly 33 years later, (I developed my eating addiction at three) it is what it is. I have suffered all of my life on account of overeating, and I am determined not to allow it have one more hay day. It was so easy to control (so I thought). Just a little extra here or there became a bagful or three extra helpings. Nothing ever satisfied me completely, and I could never get it down fast enough. For years I was tormented by emotional eating. I am finally seeing the light.
The only thing I can compare the last two months to is like being trapped in a dark, dingy prison. There was a wee bit of light at the top of the cell from time to time, but no real breakthrough. I donít want to be so ballsy as to say I have arrived, but something in me is definitely different. I no longer want to use food to deal with my pain. This is a major breakthrough in my emotions because I had no idea I was in so much of it, nor did I have a clue I was self-medicating myself by abusing food! The reality came only as I walked through every day of the last several months NOT using food to cope with my negative emotions.
Earlier today I felt this gnawing, clawing feeling. It was so terrible. I had no idea what it was. I prayed about it, and the Lord told me what I was experiencing was guilt. I said guilt?! Why in the world wouldnít I know what that feeling felt like? He shared with me that my emotions have been damaged ever since I was sexually abused at three. That coupled with the fact that in our home negative emotions were too perplexing to neither figure out nor deal with; I became a very ill-equipped emotional adult. Huh? Who wouldíve known?
The Lord did, and he is healing me. I cannot continue to lose weight apart from this healing, it is just too incredibly painful; however there is the biggest silver lining I have ever recognized in my life. He loves me as I am, is here for me no matter what, and He promises to complete the good work he started. I really wanted this to be a much straighter, easier path than itís become. I had no idea I was going to take this turn and be bearing my soul so brutally, but I must admit it feels so great to share. It feels wonderful to be so transparent knowing that I am on a journey, not in a literal prison cell rotting.
May I encourage you? If you like me suffer from an addiction to food on account of your emotions being damaged, wonít you take heart? God is no respecter of persons, what he has done, er, is doing in me; he will certainly do for you! The level of freedom I am experiencing is beyond words, but you know me, I will do my best to find a way to share it! Please know that you have tremendous worth and value apart from anything you could ever do, say, think or write, and that with Jesus, all things are possible...permanent... and lasting changes filled to overflow with hope, joy, peace, and love! Friends, I solemnly assure you, whom the Son sets free is free indeed! Can I get a witness?! Woo Hoo!
Monday, November 11, 2013
I think so! In fact, Iím determined Iíve landed on something special! Been thinking lately, I do a lot of that I suppose. I am rather melancholic yeno. I mean my temperament. Some of us are bubbly and outgoing by nature (ahem, my husband) and well some of us resemble more of an ďEeyoreĒ type like from Winnie the Pooh. YeahÖIím an Eeyore. I suppose I needed to share that because most of my life, I have not been comfortable with that. In fact, Iíve been so uncomfortable with that, Iíve ate myself into ďnear comatoseĒ states of overindulgence to avoid understanding that. What can cause a person so much pain that they want to dodge their very God given personality and even traits to the point of food abuse? Well, for me it started very, very young.
Being abused as a child has no perks whatsoever. Trust me. Then throw on top of that a sense of shame and never belonging or feeling accepted; well by the time youíre in third grade you have a full-fledged eating disorder. Mine has a name. Itís called Emotional Eating. All of my life, I have ate due to my emotions instead of the signals my body is giving me. Because of the mix up I have stayed nearly a hundred pounds overweight most of my adult life. In less than a month I will be 36. I knew about this time last year that something in my life needed to change, I had no idea that the change I needed would put me on the path Iím on today.
Losing weight has never come easy to me. It has always been laced with ups and downs, turns and twists. It just has never been easy. I have tried and failed, tried, tried, tried again and failed miserably, it is only by the grace of God that I continued to try and am achieving the results I have today. You see, I am convinced that God wants to give us all good things here and after. He desires for us to be healthy, whole and functional in every area of our lives, BUT and this is a big but, if we are not healthy on the inside, it doesnít matter one iota how much we try to get things together externally. This is true because everything seen was unseen at one point, so we must work from the inside out. This is tough! This is painful! What if there is something in us we donít want to look at or see? Then what? Where do we go? Well, for me it was all kinds of things, but eventually I settled on food. Oh, food, you wonderful, delicious, always agreeable delight, you never let me down. You never told me no. You always filled me up to overflowing, sometimes literally! (Ok, I know, too much info, but I had this bad!)
You see anything I have every put my mind to, I have been all in, so if it was a sin, like overindulgence is, then all my cards were in! Oh the slavery, I didnít care! And worse yet, I didnít have one, single strand of power to get out of the warped cycle of reaching for the fridge. Not one. You see it goes back to that timing thing. I wasnít ready to lose weight thirty years ago, twenty, fifteen or even five, no I was not ready until God said I was ready, and that ready was December 19th, 2012. On that date, I knew just as certain as the day I got saved, that I was never going to be the same. Since then, I have lost 78 pounds, but have experienced a huge plateau and began to struggle recently. How come this road block, Iíd lament to God? I am doing every, single thing you are asking me to do, why is this so hard now? I did not realize this until today actually, but as you can see the minute God tells me something, I want it written, hot off the press so to speak, because if it can encourage me, I am certain it can help someone else. He is showing me how utterly damaged my emotions are. Something I would have never seen if I was still going to food with all this ďnewlyĒ found pain. I have endured a lot of hurts and abuse, but I had no idea that under nearly 80 pounds was so much rotten pain! How could I have? I was too busy ďself-medicatingĒ to realize it! But folks, itís true, the layers and layers of pain, oh God, even thinking about it makes me tremble.
Losing weight is much more than looking at a smaller number on a scale. Losing weight also means losing an old way of coping with stress, fear, anxiety and pain. Again, I had no idea I was in so much rotten pain! I canít even describe it fully in writing, but I know that someone knows what I am talking about. This heart wrenching, gut shaking pain runs deeper than any food could ever reach. The experience of this pain was not something I thought would come with this weight loss package. No I thought this process was going to be wrapped up nice and neat with a big, red bow. Ha, I now know that is the farthest thing from the truth. The trauma that has emerged is well an experience, but let me tell you something if you donít mind. I am learning every day how to manage it WITHOUT food. This is something I have never done before, and it is something that I highly recommend any one who has experienced abuse or weighed more than a hundred pounds overweight should consider.
I am slowly, gradually becoming a happier person ďapartĒ from overeating, but I will not lie. These last several months feel like a consecutive nightmare. I wake up only to partake in another scary dream. I see some light. I finally see some light, and I want you to know that if God could take someone as damaged and banged up as me and begin to work transparency, genuine faith, love and hope into long devastated areas of my heart, that he certainly can do that for you, so yeah, what are we waiting for?! God is for us. He is for us. He is for us. He wants us to reach our goals. Hereís the catch. When the going gets tough, are we going to get to going or a staying? God wants us to stay. He wants us to fall into his arms and cry and cry and cry.
If you are like me, you donít like to be weak. You donít like to show your insecurities or vulnerabilities or whatever -ities, but the truth of the matter is if we donít get this real, this raw, then we may never get to the real reason we overeat. We may never find the root of the problem and in essence will just be chopping off branches that will re-grow. I repeat, the addiction will come back, if all you are doing is following rules. We need a heart change! Thanks be to God he is willing to give us one, all we need do is ask in prayer and wait for him to begin his work. Then dear friends, when he asks us to lay it all down for him, we need to obey to the best of our ability. We need to GET UP ON THE SURGERY TABLE OF OUR LORD and allow him to cut this cancerous sin out of our lives. It is then and only then I believe we will get a true victory over this demonic attraction to food. He is willing, are we ready? If so, I will see you my dear friend at the finish line! Woo Hoo!
Pic Ref: http://theholisticwomanri.wordpress.com/20
Saturday, November 09, 2013
UNBELIEVABLE! I have lost the combined weight of my middle daughter and grandson! (pictured) She weighs 40 pounds, he 38. I have been looking myself over really good the past several months; I suppose Iíve needed too, plateauing and all. Iíve been struggling to make sense of what's been accomplished. TWO WHOLE PEOPLE!? Where was I packing it, lol? I donít know. I am still shaking my head. I feel so much better now though. A benefit, until recently experienced, I could have never imagined. It feels good, but I won't lie itís been a tough, long road.
Sometimes I get frightened. I think Iím just a candy bar away from slipping, just an extra hundred calories here or there. I donít trust myself yet. I see the results, but how much has changed inside? Time will tell. I am thankful for my faith. I know that God has seen me through. Some people might not like me attributing that kind of acknowledgement to an ďunseenĒ force, but I know worms would eat me from the inside out if I told you this story any differently. Plus I donít mind giving Jesus a shout out, after all, heís done so very much for me.
This plateau rocked my world. A whole month went by, three really, and all for so little ďexternalĒ reward. The work was the same, the determination did not falter, no wonder Iíve failed so many times in the past. Iíll be honest, something in me is different now. Years ago, if I gave anything in my life this much effort and didnít ďseeĒ a result, I'd throw in the towel so fast your head would spin! Not this time, I feel. I just canít. Iíve come too far. This means too much. I had gotten so sick, let myself go so far. I must continue. We must continue. I never thought Iíd lose the weight of two small humans, lol, but I must admit it's nice.
May I encourage you? If you ever feel like what you are doing isnít making a difference, please know that sometimes what needs to be ďrecreatedĒ is not on the outside. Sometimes it is deep within, and once we get that stuff right, the outside will almost magically, I kid you not, line up. I feel so much peace, am whole and every day feel healthier. My body is responding to the new way of doing things in its own way and time. Yours will too. Keep on keeping on, even if the scale doesnít budge, even if you don't "see" anything change. Even if it feels like you are doing it all for nothing, know that that is NOT true and as you continue, results or not, you will always have the satisfaction of doing the right thing. At the right time your breakthrough will come! I know it. God has done it for me, he is no respecter of persons, so I am convinced, he will do it for you too!
With that said, shall we do this? Yes, yes!!! Let's! Woo Hoo!
Friday, October 18, 2013
Hello dearest Sparkers, tis I Rachel, and I have some friendly advice. Just because we are heading into the holidays is no reason to relax. This is ALWAYS the time of year I gave myself excuses to loosen my grip or give up. I want to encourage you, find your motivation, ground yourself, and stick to your guns! This is a tough time! Candy is in every store, luscious foods that tantalize your taste buds continue to appear in catalogs, at the front of grocery stores and even many online sites.
As a degreed marketer, don't think for one second companies don't know this! They do, so we have to be smarter. One thing I've decided to do is stop hitting up the "candy aisle" at my local Dollar General. I swear, it's like my crack shop! I am just not going down that lane, and if I still can't control myself, I am going to stop shopping there all together! It's time for a game plan folks. I am afraid without one, I am going to see many more blogs about how we are losing and not winning. We can do this, together and with a plan!
I feel like a football player in the locker room getting ready for the big game. Every time I walk out of my house I see a McDonald's or a number of other places I can get a host of goodies FAST. My body can't do this anymore, it is begging me to quit. I am listening, I will not go down without a fight. We can do this. We can beat this holiday slump. Don't tell yourself, oh who cares, January 1st, I can get back on track, I did that for more years than I care to admit, and guess what, I didn't do it.
Take care of you! Take care of you! Don't you quit, you can do it! I can do it!
WE CAN DO THIS! (this kick in the rear comes free of charge, heh, but hey I always need a kick in the rear, especially lately, so I hope someone else needed one too!)
Get An Email Alert Each Time ARUN4ONE Posts