Monday, June 30, 2014
"Remember that stress doesn't come from what's going on in your life. It comes from your thoughts about what's going on in your life." ~ Andrew Bernstein
I posted this as my status yesterday and it got a lot of 'likes', both here and on Facebook. I have to admit, I have been stressing myself a lot lately. I have not been dealing well with anything since my dad died last month. His passing brought out some things in my siblings that I still haven't dealt with. It's also made me think a lot about my youth and I have lots of unresolved issues with my mom, both past and present. I am not good with confrontation. I have spent my life eating my emotions. I need to learn to deal with these things in a way that is ultimately positive for me.
In the short term, that means deciding whether I will go to my sister's at the end of July and see her and one of my brothers and my mom. (My mom lives in Florida now and I don't have the opportunity to see her very often.) Do I take up my issues with each of them beforehand? Do I do it face to face? Do I let things go and see how the weekend plays out? My DD had an interesting idea. She suggested I write a letter to each of them ahead of time. Then spend time with them and at the end of the visit, decide whether I actually want to give them the letter I wrote. And if I do, give it to them when I am leaving.
For now, I have made hotel reservations for that weekend and I paid a little more so I can cancel them if needed. If we go, we will drive (5 1/2 hours each way), so there are no other things that need to be set up ahead of time. My DH says he'll do whatever I want.
I just need to figure out what that is.
Monday, May 12, 2014
You always think there is more time. We’ll do it another time. Tomorrow is another day.
Until it isn’t.
Your dad is going to be 80 on March 2nd. You think about going to visit, but it’s just so crazy right now. You are busy at work. Your husband is working long hours, still getting used to the new job. You learn from your stepmom that he fell right before his birthday (darned Parkinson’s) and doesn’t want to celebrate or see anyone right now. You think it’s a good thing you didn’t go and you’ll see him some time soon.
A few more weeks go by and it’s your birthday. Your stepmom texts you at work and asks if they can all now because Dad just had a nap and it’s a good time. Of course you say yes, and they call, but after just a few minutes Dad can’t hold the phone anymore and your stepmom comes on the line. She sounds exhausted. She says your dad is a bit weaker and you say you’ll see them soon.
A few more weeks go by and it’s Easter. You send cards and flowers and think you’ll make a trip as soon as things calm down.
A few more weeks go by. Your stepmom calls on a Wednesday and says your dad has been declining since he took another fall on April 28th. He is not eating much and sleeping more. (How many falls is that in the past two months…at least 4…). She has been having chest pains but put off going to the doctor because Dad can’t be left alone. She is calling to say that she has arranged for hospice to come in during the day for Dad so she can go to the doctor and if she needs to be admitted, they will bring him to their facility while she is there. She is giving them your number as an emergency contact and she wants to let you know, just in case. You say something about coming down and she says she isn’t asking you to rush down there. You agree to talk again on Thursday and in the meantime you check out flights. But it is Mother’s Day weekend and open seats to Florida are few and expensive. It’s not great timing for you or your husband as far as work goes. You decide to go next weekend instead and let your stepmother know on Thursday morning. You also email your sister and brothers, filling them in on what is going on.
On Thursday evening you get a text from your stepmother, saying she is being admitted and hospice is coming to pick up Dad. You think maybe you should go down now and visit with Dad for a few days while your stepmother is in the hospital. You spend a few hours online and since you will need to go without your husband, it’s a bit easier to make arrangements, but you still aren’t leaving until Friday at 5. You figure you’ll spend the weekend with your dad, and get a return flight for Monday. You decide to take off on Friday and run the errands you’d ordinarily do on the weekend. While you are out, hospice calls. You have a new phone, so you don’t find the message until Saturday night but you can see that someone called so you play phone tag for several hours. You finally get the nurse practitioner in charge, who tells you that your dad is very ill and it’s just a matter of days before he is gone. What?? No one said anything like this before. You tell her your flight is already booked and you decide together not to tell your stepmom yet, since her cardiac status is still unknown. Somewhere inside you think this nurse person must be mistaken.
Of course, your flight is delayed and you don’t get down to Florida until 9:30 PM and it’s after 10 when you check-in. But you came to spend time with your dad and so you head over to hospice. Dad is resting quietly…too quietly. He doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t visibly respond to your voice. The nurses say he can still hear you so you hold his hand and you talk to him. But it is all so surreal.
You spend the night and a new shift comes on. Your (wonderful) son leaves his pregnant wife and 20-month-old son and drives 3 hours across the state to be with you. After he arrives, the new nurse tells you that your dad is “actively dying” and it’s now probably a matter of hours, not days. Discussions ensue. You now know your step mother has to have open heart surgery. You don’t want to tell her over the phone but you promised her you would not leave your dad alone. Phone calls go back and forth between hospice and hospital. When you are sure she has a nurse with her, you call to give her the news. After a bit of anger at the situation and then tears, she asks that you put the phone up to your dad’s ear and you hear her say goodbye. When the call is finally over, you look for your son and the nurse tells you that when he heard your stepmom so upset, he decided to drive over to the hospital and be with her for a while. He comes back after a few hours and spends a bit more time with you, and then drives 3 hours back home.
You don’t leave the room except to use the bathroom. The nurses are nice and bring you tea and fruit and salad. They say his heartbeat is still strong but you can tell that his breathing has changed. You pull a chair next to his bed and doze while holding Dad’s hand. At 3 AM they come in to do a few things and you can’t fall back to sleep. You just sit and watch his breathing, which is becoming slower and more shallow. You finally fall asleep around 4:30 and when you wake up at 6, he is gone.
There are no more days, no more time, no tomorrow…
Sunday, April 27, 2014
This weekend my DD, Angie, graduated from Pitt with her MSW. As a surprise, we flew my DS, DIL and GS, Gino, up for the weekend. I haven't seen them in person in 8 months, and it has been even longer for Angie.
This is Angie and the cake a friend of mine made for her. Angie's undergrad degree is in Psychology and the cake has a Rorschach inkblot on top. It was a big hit!
This is Angie with Gino.
Here is Gino with his mom, Deanna.
I just adore this baby boy!
This is my oldest son, Mike, my DH, Gino and his dad, my son Vinnie.
This is the shirt Gino is wearing in the last picture. This is how Vinnie and Deanna announced that I am going to be a Grandma again in December!
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