Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Hope you all had lovely Christmas's. Mine was really nice, getting together with the family is always great. I was thoroughly spoiled by my fabulous relatives and I feel very lucky!
This blog post, unfortunately, is a bit more serious than some of my others. I've decided to write this post so I can own up to a few things, things have surfaced quite recently.
My last post was a celebratory one, I was sharing with you all that I was about 12lbs away from my goal weight. Although this is still something positive, the truth behind it isn't so positive.
Since about September (sporadically for a while before), I've developed some rather unhealthy habits, habits meaning I've been strictly restricting what I eat. Starving myself.
It all came out about a month ago when I had a panic attack before I was supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner. I was so scared about having to choose food in public and eat in front of somebody that I completely freaked out. It resulted in me confiding to my mum and then proceeding to vomit periodically on the car journey home.
I can't say exactly how much weight I've lost, since I'm not exactly sure how much I weighed before this started, but it's quite noticeable. A lot of people have commented on my appearance, some positively which in a way triggers my behaviour and encourages me to continue because they say I'm looking good, but some negatively, people saying I look bony around my face and that I'm wasting away.
I think it started not even as me deliberately trying to lose weight quickly. It was more like, "oh okay, I don't NEED this much food", "I can go without dinner tonight", which spiralled quickly into living off half a plate of food a day.
I'm scared of food. I'm scared of gaining weight. I'm scared of not losing anymore weight.
The difficult thing is that I still have 6lbs to lose before I'm technically in a comfortable position within a healthy BMI. I need to find a healthy balance where I can still lose that last little bit of weight and tone up, yet not go too far and become sick. I'm also not dangerously underweight so I don't think seeing a doctor is a possibility. I hate doing this though. I've been lying to people so I can cover all this up. I'm worrying my family and my boyfriend. It's all got a bit out of hand.
But basically, I'm pretty unhappy.
I don't really know what to do next.