1930 at Rest?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

So, that wasn't a very good year but it's a great amount of calories to burn on a daily basis. I have been MIA for some time and just wanted to report what I have been up to lately. I have joined the local hospital's weight loss program and found out that my resting metabolic rate is 1930-- the amount of calories I burn daily by doing nothing other than existing. I had to breathe into this device for seven minutes with my nose pinched shut.

I also got my cholesterol, fasting glucose and individual, specific calorie range. So, I eat between 1600-1800 calories (high end on exercise days) in order to lose weight. My cholesterol is good although my HDL needs to be 15 points higher. My fasting glucose was down a point from a year ago. Looks like it drops a point for every 10 pounds that I lose. That means I have to take 6o pounds off in order to get out of the pre-diabetic range.

Work has been way busy since school started over a week ago. I have also been seeking help for the way that I think about food and use it to cope with stress, etc. I think that is the biggest failing on my part -- emotional eating. I am learning way more about myself than I ever thought possible by exploring my behaviors. It is making me happier already to know that it isn't totally my fault and that I am moving in the right directions in many aspects of my life.

Derby is o.k. I am having a hard time keeping pace with the other members of the pack. It makes it quite pointless for me to show up if the entire team takes off and I can't keep up. I have decided to work on building endurance outside of the practices by going to the gym and the rink. Several people have told me to start running which always scared me to do to my weight and the stress on my joints, etc. I am not giving up, just preferring to work at my own pace without feeling stressed or embarrassed about how slow I am.

Food isn't great but I am choosing to be more flexible in my choices so that I can live with my program forever. If it is too strict, I get anxious and I blow it. I don't think someone needs to jump me or hit me over the head for an occasional non-healthy item. I am just trying to figure out how I can occasionally have things and still lose weight. Going cold turkey sends me into a bingeing tizzy.

Thanks for listening and I am sorry that I haven't been on in awhile. The dust should settle soon.

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Dark and Stormy Day

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

O.k. I admit it. I have been dealing with a funk and hiding out. I think it is from four weeks of hitting the gym as hard as I could, finding out my dad has lung cancer, trying to be super supportive to my mom and not doin' great on my diet. All of those things spelled disaster as I ended up weighing the exact same amount as I did in the middle of December.

I had a few episodes of some other "stuff" happen and I am just having a hard time pulling myself up to a positive level. Sunday the weather was dark, gloomy, and rainy. Today it is the same. I refuse to be so easily influenced by other factors.

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my primary care physician and asked her diagnose me as obese. Yes, it's true that's the category for my weight and height but it had to be documented for me to be able to use my Health Savings Account for some weight loss assistance. She also had to write how I am borderline pre-diabetic and pre-hypertension. I am refusing meds at this time with the hopes that I can defeat them both through diet and exercise.

The harsh reality is that the scale hasn't dropped since August. I have tracked my food and exercised. I have overeaten but am fitter. I am doin' everything in my power to take care of myself and not let these things and the unmentioned stuff take me back to the 250lb girl that I used to be.

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A Two Week Difference

Monday, January 04, 2010

O.k. for those of you that know me, I signed up for some one on one virtual training. I know it sounds ridiculous but my trainer knew that I was participating in derby and that I wanted to get through the holidays smaller, instead of bigger. She gave me a sample menu - - which I tried to follow considering that I was surrounded by junk, as well as a customized workout.

I did the absolute best that I could from 12/17/09 until today. I am still using the workouts but had to turn in my results to her tonight. I didn't want to measure nor did I want to weigh. I partied a little over the holidays but I didn't gorge myself on junk. I am happy to say that most of the time, what I ate too much of was healthy food. I did have an episode with some whole wheat yeast rolls in the days after Christmas.

So tonight, I get on the scale and it tells me that I have gained 3% body fat and 2.5 lbs in the last two weeks. I also had my husband help measure me -- happily none of those had gone up, some had stayed the same while others went down.

Anyhow, I have taken a photo of myself in a swimsuit -- I should've warned you beforehand, I realize. The one on the left is from Dec 09 and the other is from tonight. That's right. I have been on this for two weeks. The scale says that I failed but my photos and measurements tell a different story of hard work at the gym and holidays without fudge, cookies or candy.

Needless to say, if this is failure then I am quite proud of it.

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Forgiving Myself

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Today was an assessment at our derby practice. It is the first official one since December. I tried to do my best with the laps, falls etc. I was competing against girls who had been doing this for two years. It was a harsh reality to find out you could only do 17 laps while someone else did 49 in the same amount of time. When we were required to do a two knee fall, I fell backwards and busted my butt. I had on tail bone protection and think that it is only bruised.
I also fell on my side while doin' laps and am having trouble moving my right arm. There were two new girls there who had no prior training. I am glad that I worked out like I did over the break.

The bad thing is that people were watching. Some were just the general public while others were fellow team members. The coaches had a spreadsheet of our names in order to critique our skills. It was a big dose of reality. There were times that I couldn't even keep up with the pack in order to participate. I knew that someone puked in the bathroom during today's practice. I overheard other team members saying that they used to be fat or they felt like beached whales. This is hurtful to hear when I look at them at normal weights and I just sit there quietly absorbing.

I made it through today and its harsh reality. I have to get the weight off of me and I cannot give up no matter how down I feel. I haven't lost any weight this month but I am a whole different person than I was before. I had a long talk with my husband on the way home about what I need to do to get better. I can accept that I will never be the star of the team. The reasoned I joined was to get fit and make friends. There is nothing worse than exercising alone in my opinion. That's what enables me to go longer and harder than I ever would if I was in my house with equipment.

So, although I had to fight back tears at today's practice, I am still moving forward and growing. my body is getting tighter and stronger - - even when I gain weight. I am becoming an athlete and the key is I only need to compete against my past performances. I don't need to compare myself to the girl with 14% fat or who has been playing derby for two years. The only person and opinions that I need to worry about are me and my own. I do not need to worry about what people think about me especially when they are people that I don't know or really like. I am sure that I will make friends with some of the derby girls but the others who have different personalities are just merely teammates. If there aren't enough of us to play, then even the star doesn't get to be the star.

I am writing this post so that I don't throw in the towel and quit. It's a lot harder to push a 200 plus pound body around a derby track than it is for someone who is at a normal weight. I don't need to beat myself up about it. I will work on being able to get back up from a baseball slide, one knee and two knee slide in the appropriate amount of time as well as getting my laps fast er. The only way to improve is to keep going and trying. It doesn't matter if I am the slowest or if I fell twice. What matters is that I am always improving for me. I don't even care if I never get to play. Just as long as they allow me on the team and I can keep working out with them.

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Just Rejected My Parents

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I just got invited to meet my parents for lunch at the local china buffet. I hate telling them no. They've done so much for me and I haven't seen them much over the last few weeks due to school. I feel sorry for my mom who has really put on a lot of weight since I got married. She tells me that she wants to lose weight but then she eats out with my dad almost every night. She always loved me when I was fat and I feel the same about her.

I just want to wake her up to a reality. It's the one we all know where you have to kill off those old habits. There is nothing healthy at the buffet and it is about quantity and not quality.

I had spent the time this a.m. packing my skating gear so that I can do 2 hours after work. I have also packed my breakfast, lunch and snacks for the day. If you will remember, I spent friday night's snowstorm prepping my meals for the upcoming week. Also, I am so freaking sore from yesterday's strength training, that I would have to be an idiot to unravel all of that time, prep, and sweat for some fried, Americanized version of Asian food.

My response in text was: No more chinese buffets for me. I have packed my lunch for today and will workout for 2 hours after I get off from work. I love you, but I am done being the fat girl.

They have yet to respond.

Update: I have since talked to my mom who didn't mention this at all. After all of your wonderful comments, I have decided to suggest Jason's Deli whenever they want to get together. It's much easier to eat right and I know the calories on most of their healthy items. I appreciate your support in dealing with the guilt.

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