Today

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Honestly, today started out really badly. First thing into my office Glenn came in hollering about a note left in his room. Within minutes, I realized I did not leave him the note, and he should be taking this out on someone else. Needless to say, I was angry.

Then I have all sorts of people coming into my office looking for supplies. Of course, my last
Staples shipment is lost AGAIN! No idea where it is, or if I will ever see it. I went to the Drilling co-ordinator (big boss on this job) and told him I needed a credit card and a ride to town. He said no card, but call and set up a charge account. As for the ride, yes find one and go.

As I was leaving his office, I told him if he needed me to knock lightly on my door. When he asked why, I told him. "Someone crapped in my cornflakes first thing this morning and I don't want to return the favor to the next guy, so my door is closed until I can shrug this off". Soda nearly came out of his nose. Then he told me if it would make me feel better, to go around the camp and randomly fire people. I like that idea.

Within 10 minutes, I had the charge account set up and was looking for a ride. I called the bus drivers, as they have a bus going to town and back today for a flight. Turns out I missed it, but Bill asked why I was looking for the bus. Well, I told him and he offered to drive me to town tomorrow during the day. I let Mike (head boss around here) know it's all set up. Mike offered to buy us lunch - get a nice lunch and bill me for it.

Looks like I am going to get out of here for a few hours tomorrow. I can't wait.

Not bad for a day that started off so lowsey.

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Today

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Tonight was a good night. I went to Wapasu to play pool again for a while. John took me tonight. He got back to camp today. He is so over the top stressed. As soon as I suggested that that is what I have been doing to vent, he jumped right on it. He offered to take me. So off we went. He really was stressed. We spent the whole time just goofing off. He was showing me how good he is at playing pool, and I was showing him how good I am at cheating. I tried almost every trick in the book to distract him. Overall it was a fun evening. I let him know I am interested in going again. He basically said to just ask. He had fun too. We spent the whole time just laughing and having fun.

It has felt like forever since I just laughed and had fun. No stressing about what I should be doing. Stressing about being out of work. Stressing about all the stress surrounding me in my real life. I find I am really loving this time here.

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Feeling better...

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Well, I went out last night. I talked someone into a ride to Wapasu and back. A couple of us went to play pool for an hour. It was so nice to get out of here and relax for a little bit. I feel so refreshed today. I am going to have to keep a list of people who are willing to give me a ride there and back occassionally. If I could get out of here twice a week and just relax. It helps so much.

I feel 100% better today. No stress. No overwhelming myself. Just enjoying the day. I guess I needed a break to just have fun, relax, and talk to someone about anything but work.

It was funny, we were worried about being recognized. I didn't even make it 1/4 of the way across the parking lot before someone spotted us. Not a big deal. It's not like I have been told to stay put Period. It was just funny. I played it up a little. Asked them if they could keep a secret. I guess I might have started a rumour. Oh well. I am not too worried. If anyone wants to know, they can ask me.

I got up early today and got my run in before work. I feel so energized. I just hope it continues through the day. I didn't sleep much last night. My eyes popped open at 5am for some reason. I guess I will sleep well tonight...

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Today

Friday, February 05, 2010

I am really struggling these past two days. I just seem so stressed. Back at work. I was not feeling very well yesterday. Now today I am supposed to just sit here in the empty office for hours on end. I guess I will need to get up early to go running from now on. However, that being said, I am working ONLY 10-10. Not one minute more. If I am supposed to sit here hour after hour doing nothing, and stay here going no where, I will. But only if it ends.

My thoughts are so not into being here right now. I really want to get out and go dancing again. No surprise really. The funny thing is I know it will just be a let down when I finally get to go again. It always is. It is never as much fun as you imagine it will be.

I guess I just need to settle back in.

Revenue Canada is giving my husband grief over my income and my job. I am not responsible for his debts. Period. I have informed my lawyer that they are pushing, and I will let them talk to my lawyer. I am done with them.

I really need to get out and do something physical, but I am stuck here at the desk. Oh well. At least the pay is good. I will get up early tomorrow and go running first thing. I will absolutely refuse to do anything work related until 10am. Enough flexibility out of me. I expect give and take, not just take and take.

I have told someone I need to talk to them a few times, but I keep getting brushed off. Nothing helps you feel more frustrated than being repeatedly brushed off. I finally had to make some decisions without input. If they don't like them, tough.

I really need to settle in and get some paperwork of my own done over the next few days. I would LOVE to be able to finish it all before I go back to Calgary. That would be a HUGE weight off my shoulders. Maybe I should start organizing it now - get something productive done.

I would really like a break. I need to take some time with my camera and just take some photos. I really find peace when I am out with a camera.

I am still deciding where I want to go when I have to fly out of here on Feb 15th. I don't want to go home. However, the 15th is payday. I am not sure if the funds will be released right then, or the next day. If it is the next day, I will not have a chance to go anywhere but home. Really sucks. I don't want to be there. I know. It's not a good thing when you don't want to be home on your birthday. It happens when you are finished with the marriage.

I guess it's time to brace myself to have to go home on the 15th. It looks like I have no choice. I am really sick of being stuck.

I just had a visit from one of the camp ladies. She is being sent home on Monday. Apparently someone told on her for talking to me. She and I would for a few minutes when she is cleaning my office close the door and just talk. We both kept working, but it would give us both a minute to catch up on our days, vent if we needed it, etc. Such a shame. I often look forward to her visits - even when I am upset with her. She took all my towels just before I went to shower the other day. It is frustrating useing those rough towels - fell like sandpaper. But to shower without even those to dry off with. It really sucked. And I told her so. I also told her I was a little stressed, and that we should talk later. We did. It's all good.

So why do I feel so down today? Yesterday, a few people mentioned it. I was just not my chipper self. I am really trying today. I just don't get it.

Maybe I am sabotaging myself again. If I don't snap out of this, I will get fired. Strange. I have been enjoying this job and I am going to try and loose it? What is wrong with me?

I really need to work through this one. I like this work. I would hate to think it all has to do with wanting to go back home for some attention. Especially since that is not likely to happen again soon. I really need to get over this.

Okay. Wrong answer. I have to acknowledge how I feel, even though I don't get it. I really miss having someone make me feel like the most beautiful person in the room. I know it was not something I would persue. Let me rephrase that. My rational part of my mind would not persue it. However, my heart was so ready to chase it down. Back to reality now. Even if I did see him in the bar again this week, he would be with his girlfriend. I know I know. How could I even look at someone like that? I really don' t know. That's part of the problem for me. How did he get me to look at him? How did he get me to consider it at all? How did he get under my skin?

I do have to acknowledge he did get under my skin. However he did it, he did. Now to move forward. There is obviously an inner part of me that is reacting very strongly to this. A part I have been ignoring.

In all honesty, I have not really been ignoring it. It has not been there before. Because of rapes and assaults, I have had hangups for years. Now I am seeing these hangups melt away. I have a strong desire that was never there before. It is kinda nice. To know I can be normal this way.

It's the belief that this is a normal reaction that I am not used to having that maybe keeping me stuck here. I have always wanted to have normal feelings and reactions.

Then why am I so stuck here? It may be because this is the first time I have ever been affected like this. Part of me wants it to never end. However, I need to realize it has ended. Even if I see him again, it's done. He has moved on. I should too. If he hadn't moved on, he would have been back on Saturday night.

Now part of me wants to just look great when I get back for my birthday party. Really rock the dress. Make him realize just what he can't have. I believe I've got it, now I want to flaunt it. And there is no reason I shouldn't. I am young. I have worked hard for this body I have now. I deserve to enjoy it.

I already am starting to feel stronger. I have felt so helpless and a victim to these low feelings. I am going in the right direction.

My head actually hurts a little bit now. Stress sitting just behind my eye. Not a lot, but a little warning that something is off.

I need to reconnect with my passion now. Not my passion that has taken over for the past week. My passions that center me and help me discover who I am and what I love. I can pamper myself over the next few days. Maybe I should get dressed and go out taking photos tonight after I am done working.

I still have a long way to go to get back to where I was, but I am on my way now. I might update more tonight.

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Some Advice Please

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

I really need some advice. My mind is stuck where it should not be. It is becoming a problem. any suggestions to turn my thoughts back to where they need to be?

I can't get my young cowboy out of my mind. He is stuck in there really good right now. I am back at work, almost 800miles away. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not right now. Part of me is wondering if I didn't have the opportunity to see him again if I could just get over this.

Why am I having such trouble getting past this anyhow? It makes no sense to me.

My next trip home is on Feb 15th - my birthday. I am considering going away for 2 days on my own. Then I am going to celebrate my birthday on Thursday that week. Really tie one on. I am going to make plans to have to take a taxi home. I am deciding if I am going to get dressed up in my new years dress again, or just wear jeans. I am thinking of dressing up, and bringing a pair of jeans in a bag in case I need to change before I try to go home. There are times where it is advantageous to not be wearing a dress. I am so looking forward to this.

However, part of my mind is hoping my cowboy will show up.

I really need to get this out of my mind. Running today did not get rid of it. I really want to focus on looking great for when I get back home. Again, it all comes around to...

Enough already. Any suggestions to get past this?

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