Thursday, April 17, 2014
Boys – go away! You have been warned!
About 3 months ago, I switched up my lady meds because my previous one was discontinued/the replacement made me sick/etc.
This is my first “break” from the meds, if you know what I mean.
And this is terrible.
I know there are sicker people than me in this world and I should stop complaining, but I also know that it feels like 90% of the women I know lead perfectly productive and normal lives during their TOMS – I don’t. And that sucks.
I can’t remember the last time I have felt this bad. On my old meds, I had one bad day every 3 months. This has been 5 days straight of a nightmare – headache, nausea, tons of pain, you name it. Yesterday I was trying to walk down the hall at work to attend a meeting and I had to stop walking and almost completely doubled over. I spent most of the past couple nights on the couch with my heating pad nearly in tears. I caved and asked my poor stressed out bf to cook spaghetti for dinner (his one dinner he can cook lol) because I couldn’t stand. And yes – I am trying to WORK through all of this. I’ve been crouched over my keyboard struggling. Working out? HAH. Nope.
And at the end of it all, what upsets me the most perhaps is that my fitbit report at the end of this week is going to be like “YOU MESSED UP! YOU DIDN’T REACH YOUR GOALS! YOUR NUMBERS ARE DOWN!”
Yes, they are down. I’m nowhere near my goals. I can’t freaking walk. I feel like a bloated whale who’s insides are being ripped out. No progress shall be made this week. Oh well. C’est la vie. And now you know too.
Whining over! Can’t have this condition forever right? Hopefully I’ll be back in action next week!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Back in action, sort of!
Backing up first…
This weekend was my trip to NYC for my friend’s bachelorette party. We took a 5am train on Saturday & came back Sunday night so it was a bit of a whirlwind. I was definitely not as stuck in comparison mode as I was at the bridal shower, but I still tried to be “good” as much as possible. I didn’t really drink anything and ate half of my meal at dinner. I did note the size zero MOH ordered a plate of bacon and fries for breakfast on Sunday and ate it. Sometimes life is really unfair huh? Still, I tried to enjoy myself as much as possible. Everything was so pricey, but such is NYC. We did a TON of walking, 8 miles on Saturday alone! So I know I offset anything anyways. The weather was AMAZING. We did a lot of shopping on Saturday. My friend’s favorite store is Kate Spade. When they found out we were celebrating her bachelorette, they put us in their “salon” and opened up a bottle of Kate Spade champagne for us. It was so special! We look a little tired don’t we?
Saturday night we went to LIPS for a drag show. This was AMAZING. Five drag queens lip syncing to Spice Girls? I die! Here is us with our “Queen” Eva lol. I know, my goodies were out. Got lots of attention. One thing curves CAN do , get some eyes hah!
We saw Denzel Washington and our train had a slight malfunction on the way home. I’ll spare you all of the details but I was quite glad to be home on Sunday night. NYC is not my thing. I took a nice long shower! I am such an introvert and sometimes it really shows!
Yesterday I had my first real day off in a long long long time. I have to shout it from the rooftops – IT WAS AWESOME. I slept in a little bit, got myself an iced chai from my favorite little coffee shop, went to the mall, allowed myself a kids meal from chickfila for lunch, did some crafts, went to PT, went to Goodwill & snagged the set of books I’ve been after for $2 (score!), got a manicure, RELAXED. I felt so amazing afterwards and now my nails look great too! I highly recommend treating yourself once in awhile. I found myself smiling on my own yesterday – THAT good of a day. Loved it!
I’ve now got TOM for the first time in months and it is pouring outside, so today is not the most fantastic day. After having a few crazy days in a row, I’m just allowing myself to be a bit of a bum today. I think I need it and TOM is forcing it anyways.
This may sound a bit ridiculous, but I’ve been having a bit of a life crisis since the drag show. One of the queens asked me what my dreams were. Ummm… what are my dreams?! All I could think of was to someday get a dog. Can you say lame?! What has happened to me? Where are my dreams?! Freaking out and can’t stop thinking about this. See – crisis!
Anyways – the leaves are finally coming back on the trees, the flowers are blooming, I think things are overall looking up. Gotta keep working on getting my body in line and keep the vibes going. I need to keep myself positive and moving forward as best as I can.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
I am having a lightbulb moment and want to capture it!
I know I have always struggled to separate emotions from well pretty much everything. Food, work, traffic, the people in line at Starbucks, you name it.
I know I get stressed and suddenly everything turns into this emotional war and sometimes it gets carried away. Part of me knows that I am an emotional person – I have feelings darn it! – but that can sometimes be detrimental.
Yesterday I let a few things build until I was nearly in tears.
1) Someone hit my car and drove off. Yes, my newly paid off pretty car. It isn’t terrible, just a few scratches and a dent the size of an orange, but it gets under my skin that someone tapped me hard enough to do that visible damage and didn’t leave a note or anything.
2) I came home to find that someone took our trashcan lid, the one I have painted with our house number on it. I don’t understand why, and maybe never will, but seriously? Who does that?
3) A coworker of mine basically flopped hard on something she owed me. She did apologize but it was one of those moments where your expectations get shot down hard.
4) Another coworker of mine came to me yesterday morning questioning something my boss told me to do. I pretty much said “My boss told me to do this based on conversations he’s had with leadership, you have a good point though, I’ll let him know and see what he says” – pretty harmless right? I did tell my boss, and he actually sided with HER and let her know. Somehow in that conversation I must have said SOMETHING because she’s now ignoring me & the whole mess. I can’t figure it out. I really can’t stand that kind of behavior though, so I tried to stop by to address it in person twice. The first time she would not even look at me (another seriously who does that? Moment) and the second time she bit my head off and said “I can’t even look at you right now, I’m busy” and turned back around. Yup. Mature. [side note: she’s old enough to be my mom]. So finally I forwarded the email my boss sent us telling her she was right to her again, and basically said “I’m sorry if I said or did something out of line, I get the feeling you may be upset but I could be wrong? Let me know etc etc.” basically apologizing for something I don’t even know that I did. She literally just emailed me back as I was typing this and it says “Thanks”… sigh.
I tell you all of this because yesterday I felt this well up to the point where I didn’t even want to eat dinner. I briefly thought about just having two beers for dinner and couldn’t even muster up the will for that. Instead I was filling up with this sort of frustrated rage. Why did someone hit my car and drive off? Why did someone steal my trashcan lid? Why did my coworker mess up so badly? Why is this other coworker acting like this and what the heck did I do?
And then I realized… none of it really matters does it? No one owes me answers to all of this. I don’t NEED the answers to live. Have I done everything that I can on my end to help remedy the situation? I think I have. So… why all of this craziness? Now that I type all of it out I am almost laughing because it seems ridiculous.
Is it frustrating? Yup. Is it unfair? Certainly. Can I control it? No.
And that right there is when I realized… I can really only control ME and my reactions to everything. I can choose my next steps. I can choose whether the emotions take over or whether I breathe easier.
I’m trying to figure out how I can buy a new trashcan lid and what I’ll paint on it this time.
Instead of biting off my flopping coworkers head, I thanked her for what she DID get right and for owning up to her mistakes.
I made peace with myself that I have apologized and attempted to reconcile with my other coworker and as they say – you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. My part is over. I can’t continue to sit here letting my brain boil on it.
The more I can catch myself with a net before my emotions reach epic teapot on fire levels, the more I can:
- Find peace
- Feel happier
- Avoid overeating
- Avoid overdrinking
- Get stuff done
PS – I am definitely comfortably wearing a pair of pants today that were painful to button at the new year. Progress?! It’s gorgeous out so I’ve been getting my steps in and it may be helping!
Get An Email Alert Each Time BONOLICIOUS2 Posts