Wednesday, January 08, 2014
It's a new year but it's the same old crap. No matter how hard I try to start over, something seems to get in the way. Last year it was school, this year it's a job. Yup I don't have one, that's the problem. I completed the last pre-req class for entry to the nursing program at school in December. Unfortunately my job was a student job so since I'm not a student anymore, I can't work there. Yup. They gave me a whole 12 hours notice that I was no longer allowed to work there. Nice people. So since December 31 I've been job hunting. Which isn't fun. Most places want me to work nights, weekends and holidays. That's a big no go for me. I'm a single mom so I can't do nights, weekends or holidays. Trying to find a Monday-Friday job is nearly impossible. People just don't seem to understand that wanting a day job Mon-Fri is not an luxury, it's a necessity. I don't have child care nights, weekends and holidays. My family lives 50 miles away so it's not like I can have my family watch him. Do people expect me to just drop my son off somewhere? Do they not realize that babysitters don't exist anymore? It's really frustrating!
As a single mom another thing that makes me really mad is when people ask me how I do it. Really?! Do I have any other choice? Do they think I chose to be a single mom? When people hear that I'm a single mom, a student and I work the thing I hear the most is "Oh God I don't know how you do it." They act like I have a choice. I'm a single mom and I need money so I have to work. I don't have a choice! I can't just take it anymore. This isn't where I planned on being at this point in my life and I don't think the majority of single moms planned on being single moms. It's like telling a man you don't know how they do it. It's not like it was their choice!
Thursday, July 04, 2013
So I'm about to get back into the dating scene. I haven't been on a first date since November 28, 2006. That's almost 7 years! I was 19 and about 60 pounds lighter back then. I've been single for almost a year now and oh what a year it's been. It's been one of the most stressful years of my life. I stopped getting child support, got diagnosed with PCOS, lost my health insurance, switched jobs, moved cities, broke up, switched schools and my ex lost his job and got sent to jail. Technically all that happened within 6 months. I was a wreck. I'm still a wreck. But I've moved on and I'm ready to start dating. Well...I'm ready to start thinking about dating. I'm not sure I can trust men at the moment or deal with dating just yet. I'm so used to doing everything on my own. The few guys I've talked to have had a hard time dealing with that. I'm not one of those clingy girls. You're hanging out with your friends? Cool, I'll talk to you later. Something at my house broke? I went to the store and got the stuff to fix it. I'm a big girl. I don't need anyone to save me or help me with everything. That seems to be a big problem. A few months ago I joined an online dating service. I met with two guys and both seemed like pretty great guys. Problems seemed to start when I didn't text or call them all the time. One got mad when I didn't call him when a pipe in my bathroom burst. Uhhhh ok. 1. He's not a plumber. What could he have done? 2. I called the maintenance guy at my complex and he came to fix it. 3. I can clean up the mess without being babysat. I really don't see the big deal with this. It's my apartment and I dealt with the problem. There was nothing he could have done. We had only been on a few dates (and by few I mean two.). So what was his problem? I would think most guys would be glad that a girl didn't call them over every little problem. Do guys really want clingy girls? Do they want the helpless damsel in distress? I don't get it!!! I'm a mom, I have to be the one to fix the broken Spiderman toy, kiss the boo boos and scare the dragon that lives under the bed. I don't have time to cry and whine about my life and wait for someone to fix it. I don't need fixing! I can fix myself! Is this why guys seem to always go for the stupid, helpless girls that can't drive a stick and thinks an Allen wrench is a dance move?
One thing I'm nervous about is the whole sex thing. Mostly about guys seeing me naked. I was with one guy from the time I was 19 til I was 25. I was also 60 lbs lighter when I attracted him. Now I'm fat, flabby with stretch marks and a kid. And breastfeeding didn't help me much in the boob area. Is it true that guys don't notice flaws or is that just something they say to get girls into bed? Do they notice stretch marks and sagginess? What about nipple size and flat asses? It's been so long since I've had sex that they might have changed it for all I know. If any guys read this can you please answer my questions? What do you really think about a girls body? Her flaws? And what's wrong with a girl that doesn't need to be rescued? Any advice?
Tuesday, July 02, 2013
I did really good last night. I went to bed early and I was gonna wake up and work out. Well that didn't happen. I was woken up at midnight to a "mommy" and a warm splat on my chest. Yup. I got thrown up on. My son got sick and decided to share it with me. Warm vomit running down my shirt isn't the best feeling. So I got up and got him cleaned up. Stripped the beds and we laid back down. Only to be woken up about an hour later to being vomited on again. I had to give him a bath this time because he was crying about germs. (I'm pretty sure my son has OCD. He's terrified of germs.) So at 2 am we just went downstairs and laid on a old comforter on the floor. He threw up for a few more hours before it stopped. So I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I had to call in sick to work which means my paycheck is gonna be super small. My son is feeling better so that's good. My apartment is super small and it doesn't have central ac so it gets pretty warm in here. I can't cook during the day. My meals have to be made in a crockpot at night or my apartment is roasting. I forgot to cook something last night and I couldn't cook anything today so all I was able to eat is beef jerky and some gatorade. Yup I'm off to a great start.
Monday, July 01, 2013
Today's my birthday. I am 26. I'm still fat. I'm still poor. I still don't have a degree. I'm still single. I'm still sad. I'm still everything I was last year. And the year before. And every year before that. The only thing that has changed in the past few years is my weight. While that has gone up and up my confidence and happiness has gone down down down. I'm sad and pathetic.
I set my yearly goals to start on my birthday. Mostly because there is so much going on at the first of the year that I'm too overwhelmed to start anything new. My birthday is in the perfect spot; exactly 6 months from January 1. None of this has mattered in the past tho. My goals never seem to make it past the two week mark. I have no self control. Or time it seems. I'm always tired (which is probably from my horrible diet and lack of exercise).
I try to go to bed on time then the trouble starts. I lay in bed and think of all the things I need to do and how far I am from my goals. The hours start to tick by and all I can think of is "Now I'm only going to get 7 hours of sleep, then 6, then 5." I finally fall asleep and I get about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. I wake up late then it's a frantic mad dash to get me and the kiddo ready and out the door so I'm not late for work. The job where I sit on my flabby, flat a$$ all day. I don't eat breakfast or lunch. I drink a few cups of coffee at work and that's it until dinner. At dinner I'm so hungry I go overboard and feel like sh!t. Most days I'm so tired that when I get home, I'm too tired to cook so it's the dollar menu at the nearest fast food place.
The worst thing is that I feel awful after eating that crappy food. It makes my stomach turn and I feel blah and bloated the next day. It's not worth it but I feel like sh!t all the time anyways. I put workout classes and yoga sessions into my calendar but I always make excuses not to go. Either I don't wake up on time to go or I find something better to do. Usually it's sleeping while my son watches cartoons. I'm a horrible mother.
The person I feel the worst for is my son. He's only 3 and he's stuck with a fat mom. I have no energy to play with him. I take him to the water park a few days a week. We play in the water for a few hours and he loves it. I go there and I'm embarrassed with myself. I see all these moms with children. They have more children and even younger children and they look better than me. They have their hair done all nice and they look good in swim suits. And I'm standing there looking like the Pillsbury DoughBoy in a tanktop and shorts. I can't climb the jungle gym with him. I can't run around with him. I can't really do anything with him. I'm too fat and out of shape.
The worst part is I don't know what to do to change. I don't have many friends. I have two total. One is in the same boat as me. Poor single mom with two kids. The other one has her sh!t together. She works out and looks good. But she has a good job. She can afford a trainer. She has no kids. She's not really someone I can talk to about my weight problems. She won't understand. I can't afford a trainer. Seriously. The $30 a month gym membership I have is a stretch to afford most months. It would take me a year to afford three sessions with a trainer. I also have PCOS. It makes it hard to lose weight in general. I have no confidence in myself either. I look horrible now, what makes it so I'll look better 50 pounds lighter? My stomach will be flabby. It is stretch marked and looks disgusting. I won't even go to what my boobs will look like. Pregnancy isn't kind to the female body. If I lose weight and look horrible, how will I attract someone? I can be fat and ugly and alone or skinny and ugly and alone. It doesn't seem to matter either way.
I just don't know where to start. I can start eating clean. That's not such a big deal. I can't afford to keep eating out anyways. It's either fast food or gas to get to work at this point. My son likes fruits and veggies so that part is easy. The hard part is getting him to stop eating fruit snacks and chocolate milk. I have a hard time waking up so breakfast is not my forte. As for lunch, well that's not so hard. I just have to pack it and actually eat it. I'm always hungry tho. And I eat outta boredom. I don't have money to do anything. Anything I do do, I have to bring my son so that limits my options. His bed time is 7 pm so I have to be home by 630 so we can get ready for bed. Usually after that I do homework. (I go to school full time and work part time.) The daycare at the gym has limited hours so I have to fit the workout in after school and/or work but when the daycare is open. I can either do that or workout at night. But by that time I'm usually so tired and have a ton of homework to finish before bed.
I just don't see the point of even trying most days.
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