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Awakening

Friday, October 03, 2014

Have you ever realized you're awake? I know it sounds crazy but it's not something everyone realizes. It's like stepping into a really cold shower, you thought you were awake before but now you're REALLY awake. Honestly I've sleepwalked through most of the last few years. And suddenly the other day it was like stepping into a cold shower. I was awake. I saw everything through new eyes. It's not a pretty picture but it's my picture. I'm a fat single mom who works three part time jobs, goes to nursing school, takes her son to football and soccer practices and games, sleeps too little, swears too much and does it all alone. Very alone. No child support and no weekend visits to dad's house. Like I said, not a pretty picture. I've been in such a deep depression for a long time that I just now realize I like my picture. I have a lot of areas I want to improve, like my body and non-existent love life, but other parts like being a single mom that I wouldn't trade for anything. It's just always so hard to start over. But I quit eating clean so I gotta start again. If I want to stop having to start over, then I gotta stop quitting.

One reason why I think I've been in such a deep depression is because of my son's dad. Have you ever mourned a relationship? Not so much mourned the person but more of the thought of what you lost? My son's dad was the first long term boyfriend I've ever had. We were together from when I was 19-25. Six years is a long time. And we had a pretty good relationship. It was easy. We got along mostly and even when we didn't, it wasn't horrible. I gave up my plan of going to medical school for him. And he's the only person who made me want to have kids. I had decided I didn't want kids, then I met him and he made me want one. So we had one. And I found out everything was a big, fat lie. He was addicted to pain pills. And not just a few. He admitted to being on over 60 pills a day. Every time I got a call from a number I didn't know I was terrified it would be a death notification. Or more bail bondsmen. Or another phone call from jail. I came home to find bounty hunters watching my son while his dad took a shower before they took him to jail. And yet another time he let his meth addicted friends watch my son so he could take a shower. I would wake up and find him passed out in the bathroom with the shower running. And the final straw was when he dropped a pain pill and my son found it. All I can do is thank God that he put the pill in his nose instead of his mouth. God saved him that day. And all his dad could say was Oh that wouldn't have killed him. I made him leave that day. He went to jail for three months not long after. I moved into my own apartment and started a new school with a new major. I mourned the loss of that relationship for a long time. I not only lost the guy I thought I'd marry and spend the rest of my life with but my son lost his father. And that part is what kills me. I can deal with being alone but my son deserves a father. In the end, he's not worth mourning anymore.

I've even tried dating. It didn't work out. Dating has never worked out for me. Not in high school and not now. I'm just not the type of girl that guys want. I'm the girl that's always single. And now I'm a fat single mom and no one wants that. If I had stayed the course on medical school I would be living in a different state in my second year of residency. I definitely couldn't have done that with a kid. I gave up my dreams of being a doctor and got a kid in return. I think I ended up with the better deal.

  


Same Ole Same Ole

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

It's a new year but it's the same old crap. No matter how hard I try to start over, something seems to get in the way. Last year it was school, this year it's a job. Yup I don't have one, that's the problem. I completed the last pre-req class for entry to the nursing program at school in December. Unfortunately my job was a student job so since I'm not a student anymore, I can't work there. Yup. They gave me a whole 12 hours notice that I was no longer allowed to work there. Nice people. So since December 31 I've been job hunting. Which isn't fun. Most places want me to work nights, weekends and holidays. That's a big no go for me. I'm a single mom so I can't do nights, weekends or holidays. Trying to find a Monday-Friday job is nearly impossible. People just don't seem to understand that wanting a day job Mon-Fri is not an luxury, it's a necessity. I don't have child care nights, weekends and holidays. My family lives 50 miles away so it's not like I can have my family watch him. Do people expect me to just drop my son off somewhere? Do they not realize that babysitters don't exist anymore? It's really frustrating!

As a single mom another thing that makes me really mad is when people ask me how I do it. Really?! Do I have any other choice? Do they think I chose to be a single mom? When people hear that I'm a single mom, a student and I work the thing I hear the most is "Oh God I don't know how you do it." They act like I have a choice. I'm a single mom and I need money so I have to work. I don't have a choice! I can't just take it anymore. This isn't where I planned on being at this point in my life and I don't think the majority of single moms planned on being single moms. It's like telling a man you don't know how they do it. It's not like it was their choice!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSANBEAMON 1/9/2014 12:37AM

  I remember those days, and i did it 30 years ago, when there really wasn't much day care either. was so much fun telling the school that no i couldn't come right now i was at work, did they want their employees running off at the drop of a hat.

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Yet Another Restart

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Yet another restart. I did well starting on my birthday but then it tapered off. As always. I always mess up and then think "oh well I start over tomorrow," and then it happens the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Then I start packing on the pounds and I think "why even try? I'm never going to be healthy so why try?" Then I go to the park with my son and I see all these kids with their fit mothers. Mothers who can go down the slides with their kids or even run after them. And I can't. That makes me sad. Really sad deep down in my soul. It feels like I'm failing my son being this big. I don't want him to be embarrassed of me. I don't want to be that mom. I really don't. I want to teach him healthy habits. I don't want to pass on the fat and humiliation it comes with. So here I go again. Maybe for the last time. Tomorrow I start over. Healthy food. More water. More movement and exercise. 2014 has the potential to be a big year for me. It's up to me to decide if it's going to be a great year. It has a lot of potential. This month I apply to the nursing program at school. I'll find out in June if I got in. I have a wedding to go to in November. I'm a bridesmaid and I really want to look good. Maybe even take a date? My son will start pre-school in August. He's almost 4. I can't believe he's so big already! It seems like yesterday I was worried his cone head was never going to go away.

I need some accountability. I need people who get on my ass when I slip up or someone to talk to about the reasons why I slip up. It's so hard to do this all on my own. I really don't have many people to talk to. I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it. I feel like such a failure and I'm not sure they would understand. I can't afford a professional of any kind so I'm hoping comments from readers will help. I've done so much research it all runs together in my head. I never really know where to start. I've made up a simple plan I hope I can stick to. This time around I'm going to take it one day at a time. If I slip up, then I start over right then and there. No more pushing everything until tomorrow. It's time to fix myself. I only have two goals this year; Get Happy and Get Healthy.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

__IZZA__ 1/6/2014 6:17AM

    I've just started again as well and my plan is to take it a bit easier. OK, I'm restricting myself from sweets and so on because I know I can do it and definitely need a detox from all that chocolate. Otherwise, I'm going to do my best and start with my diet and then let the other things come such as exercise.

So start small and then add more changes and it won't be as hard.
Best of luck.
~~~~~ emoticon ~~~~

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NAPTRAL1 1/5/2014 11:49PM

    Dont be too hard on yourself. It happens to me so often that I no longer tell my coworkers I restart. So I let the results tell the story. Just when you know you are ready you start again. One day it will be the last time you restart. Good luck.

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LORLIECZ268 1/5/2014 11:42PM

  You can do it! Don't give up, keep trying no matter what!

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What Do Men Really Want?

Thursday, July 04, 2013

So I'm about to get back into the dating scene. I haven't been on a first date since November 28, 2006. That's almost 7 years! I was 19 and about 60 pounds lighter back then. I've been single for almost a year now and oh what a year it's been. It's been one of the most stressful years of my life. I stopped getting child support, got diagnosed with PCOS, lost my health insurance, switched jobs, moved cities, broke up, switched schools and my ex lost his job and got sent to jail. Technically all that happened within 6 months. I was a wreck. I'm still a wreck. But I've moved on and I'm ready to start dating. Well...I'm ready to start thinking about dating. I'm not sure I can trust men at the moment or deal with dating just yet. I'm so used to doing everything on my own. The few guys I've talked to have had a hard time dealing with that. I'm not one of those clingy girls. You're hanging out with your friends? Cool, I'll talk to you later. Something at my house broke? I went to the store and got the stuff to fix it. I'm a big girl. I don't need anyone to save me or help me with everything. That seems to be a big problem. A few months ago I joined an online dating service. I met with two guys and both seemed like pretty great guys. Problems seemed to start when I didn't text or call them all the time. One got mad when I didn't call him when a pipe in my bathroom burst. Uhhhh ok. 1. He's not a plumber. What could he have done? 2. I called the maintenance guy at my complex and he came to fix it. 3. I can clean up the mess without being babysat. I really don't see the big deal with this. It's my apartment and I dealt with the problem. There was nothing he could have done. We had only been on a few dates (and by few I mean two.). So what was his problem? I would think most guys would be glad that a girl didn't call them over every little problem. Do guys really want clingy girls? Do they want the helpless damsel in distress? I don't get it!!! I'm a mom, I have to be the one to fix the broken Spiderman toy, kiss the boo boos and scare the dragon that lives under the bed. I don't have time to cry and whine about my life and wait for someone to fix it. I don't need fixing! I can fix myself! Is this why guys seem to always go for the stupid, helpless girls that can't drive a stick and thinks an Allen wrench is a dance move?

One thing I'm nervous about is the whole sex thing. Mostly about guys seeing me naked. I was with one guy from the time I was 19 til I was 25. I was also 60 lbs lighter when I attracted him. Now I'm fat, flabby with stretch marks and a kid. And breastfeeding didn't help me much in the boob area. Is it true that guys don't notice flaws or is that just something they say to get girls into bed? Do they notice stretch marks and sagginess? What about nipple size and flat asses? It's been so long since I've had sex that they might have changed it for all I know. If any guys read this can you please answer my questions? What do you really think about a girls body? Her flaws? And what's wrong with a girl that doesn't need to be rescued? Any advice?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JO88BAKO 7/4/2013 12:50AM

    If a man really loves you he won't care about stretch marks. Good luck!

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Off to a Not So Good Start

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

I did really good last night. I went to bed early and I was gonna wake up and work out. Well that didn't happen. I was woken up at midnight to a "mommy" and a warm splat on my chest. Yup. I got thrown up on. My son got sick and decided to share it with me. Warm vomit running down my shirt isn't the best feeling. So I got up and got him cleaned up. Stripped the beds and we laid back down. Only to be woken up about an hour later to being vomited on again. I had to give him a bath this time because he was crying about germs. (I'm pretty sure my son has OCD. He's terrified of germs.) So at 2 am we just went downstairs and laid on a old comforter on the floor. He threw up for a few more hours before it stopped. So I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. I had to call in sick to work which means my paycheck is gonna be super small. My son is feeling better so that's good. My apartment is super small and it doesn't have central ac so it gets pretty warm in here. I can't cook during the day. My meals have to be made in a crockpot at night or my apartment is roasting. I forgot to cook something last night and I couldn't cook anything today so all I was able to eat is beef jerky and some gatorade. Yup I'm off to a great start.

  


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