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please tell me your story

Sunday, August 10, 2014

i am so frustrated and resentful and here is why. i have asked this question many many times and need answers from any of you who will tell me. WHY does the sane person have to GO TO SELF HELP OR PSYCHIATRY to learn to COPE with the perpetrator?? what is up with that. why is the 'good person' otherwise called the ENABLER - asked to leave, find a new place to stay, up root their lives, perhaps children, pets etc.???? i totally resent being called an enabler - i have borne the brunt of many many times trying to get the perpetrator to STOP what they are doing - verbal abuse, alcohol and drugs - WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO with this self destructive behaviour.
please tell me - and if you HAVE BENEFITED FROM IT LET ME KNOW HOW and IF THE PERP has stopped what they are doing - destructing themselves and all around them - let me know. so far i have not seen them change one damn hair on their heads.
help

  
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EILEEN828 8/12/2014 6:35AM

    Ah yes indeed I've walked in a version of your shoes. Knowing that that advice is the token answer to every situation that smacks of dependency has always irked me too.

"Surely there must be something wrong with you for being such a strong, loving, patient person with this dolt you are dealing with. You must run without heed, nor care for the life destruction you will wield upon this person, yourself, and everyone else that lives with you; this person who broke the rules and must be punished. We as society demand it, punishment that only you and your family, will bear the sacrifice of the fallout, not any of us. So go ahead destroy everything that is working in your life, throw yourself in the gutter, we don't care as long as we know that person was dutifully punished for their transgressions and thank you for putting us all on high alert to avoid them as losers in the future. As for you, please no longer bother us for you have played out your part and are no longer of use to us. We don't want to know or have to take care of, any down and out person who was duped so easily. You and all your special circumstances don't count. Just handle it already, because we are just too busy with our own sanctimonious lives."

Like it or not, I truly feel that so much of this is secretly and overtly true. Oh they would never admit or own up to it, it makes them look bad. But it is the true life reality that you are simply supposed to become superhuman and bear all the repercussions of self destructing your life. "Oh no no," they say," it's the transgressors fault, we're only looking out for you, as long as you do it discretely that is." To me that is the reality of society, I'm including friends, family, and total strangers. Free and easy with the advice. Notice how they expect you to only look out for yourself. "Everybody else will benefit if you look out only for you."

What a crock! You know already what the repercussions will be if you allow someone to push you into a direction you are not willing to take yourself. By the way, isn't that doing exactly the same thing as the perpetrator does? Why is it not ok for that person to do it but it's ok if society does? I'm just calling a spade, a spade. The true fact is that this is a call that you decide to do FOR YOUR SELF. Not because Mr and Mrs Perfect Society have told you to.

You must take the time to assess your personal situation. What are all of the ramifications. Be truthfully honest, you are only speaking to yourself, you don't have to produce a socially accepted explanation. Explore all of your feelings about your situation, about this destructive person, about the other people who are intimately involved. What is each person's best interest on each level? What is your financial reality? What are your resources? Don't count them if you don't know for sure that it is a real resource. Really, how destructive is everything? What has been tried? What hasn't? Without taking on society's opinion, how do you think you stand in this? Do you feel strong? Do you want in? Do you want out? YOU decide what is going to go down with your life, not any body else with their unaware opinions.

Why? Because it is your life and you get to live it with your choices. Now, have I ever lived through this? Yes I have. Did I think it through? Yes a thousand times. I chose to bear with. Why? Because there was an extremely dependent person involved that would have suffered more with the breakup of my family than with us sticking together. Did I in all my wisdom to date know all these things when they happened. NO. I had to go through all of this decision making many, many times over. It was not fun. Circumstances always made the difference for me.

Did the destructive person change? That depends on how you look at it. Generally overall No, that person did not. In some ways that was really bad, in some ways that was really good, that person has been a rock in a stormy sea and I am grateful to that person. In other ways, well I have this comic vision in my head of my big hobnail boot literally kicking them over the moon. This destructive person has mellowed, and that is good. What was bad is that it took a really, really long time. I have been truly and deeply hurt by this person. There is still a form of love, it is not the same as it was in the beginning. I have wanted to run a thousand times, but I've been blessed, or cursed, by having the ability to see things at all angles. I know how to put my self in someone else's shoes and see what they see. I don't always agree with them. I don't mind telling them so.

I look at things very different now than how I used to. I have learned by trial through fire. It is fierce and hot. I consider my self a very tempered steel blade. I am a warrior and will not be humbled. I chose this path for a reason, it was hard and it's not over, for I still live. I am a better, stronger person for it. I believe my family is too. I am at peace with my decisions. Do I wish I had the foresight to prevent things? Of course. Do I wish for unlimited power to change the circumstances of my life? Of course. Does any body really have fore knowledge and the complete power to change other people, or life circumstances? Of course not. Does everybody change? Of course they do. It's called life and you change as you go through your life. Everybody does, but not always as you think they should, or to what degree they should. But then that is an opinion isn't it? Just yours, it might not be the same for someone else.

So I stopped beating myself up for worrying about what other people think. They don't KNOW! I know. I'm the one who decided what to do because of my reasons which were all very well thought through; well most of them anyhow, at least in hindsight they were reviewed and acted upon. What will life be like going forward? I'm sure circumstances will dictate. Had I all my resources available all the time I may well have changed plans. But in the end I chose this life for these reasons and I refuse to have any regrets knowing all that I do. I know in my heart I always did my best effort. My life, just like everybody else, has had it's highs and it's lows, and I still look forward to each new day.

People like to assume because you are in difficult circumstances that you have lost the ability to reason well. You know you. Would you say that of yourself? Your life is going to be what you make of it, in all of it's ramifications, good and bad. So really think it through carefully. Do you want to change this? Do you want to change that? What will likely happen when a choice has been made? Doing nothing is a choice, don't forget. Also, don't forget that this is not a race, take as long or as little as you like to decide. Decide what resonates best for you.

Besides you know you can always change your mind. Might not be the same circumstances any more, and that might trip you up. You will be living with the consequences of your decisions, that's OK though, don't let it freak you out. Also remember that at best you can influence someone, but you cannot truly control someone, only yourself.My advice is to live with out many regrets, own your choices. They are real, they are good, they are yours. By the way, time gives you amazing perspective! I wish I had known a lot of this years ago, it sure would have helped. I'm going to assume it was one of the reasons for my life on earth, to learn all of these life lessons. Best of luck to you, now go do something special for yourself, you really are the best!

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LIFENPROGRESS 8/11/2014 6:36PM

    Psychiatrists / psychotherapists often try to treat the healthy rather than the sick. It's easier for them.

My own sister is Bi-polar with psychotic tendencies. I had much the same issues as you.

I finally learned to say, "NO". I am not sick. My sister is sick -- treat her and her disease. I am not going to enable her or her doctors with meek compliance.

I told my sister that it was her battle to fight and I left. You must learn to say "NO" and leave that person to his own battle, too.

I wish you all the very best. It IS difficult -- but you can't fight a battle in a war that is not your own.

"Change is not something that we should fear. Rather, it is something that we should welcome. For without change, nothing in this world would ever grow or blossom, and no one in this world would ever move forward to become the person they’re meant to be.”
~ Author Unknown ~

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RAINBOWFALLS 8/11/2014 8:44AM

    If we can't make them leave then we have no choice but to up-root ourselves to get away from the abuse. It isn't easy for the sane person, but as the sane person you need to take care of yourself and being in this relationship is not good for your sanity. I wish the best for you. emoticon

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ATGOALWT 8/10/2014 5:43PM

  Sometimes the person who stays "gets" something form it even though they swear they want the bad behavior person to stop. When you spend 24/7 blaming your problems on another then you don't have to take responsibility for your own life or look at yourself. Some people don't want to leave the destructive person as they will be free of this drama and really don't know life in any other way and they feel uncomfortable. That's why it is recommended that the person who doesn't leave a bad situation have therapy and also therapy for the person who is strong enough to leave transition to a new life.

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LNISDES 8/10/2014 2:17PM

    I feel your frustration and pain; it is not fair that we are affected by other's bad choices. State it and accept it; it is not fair. But as we all learn from the time we are old enough to reason, life is not fair. Trite but true. Children get cancer, the sober driver is killed while the drunk driver walks away, the foster mother who raises an army of other people's children dies penniless while the person who embezzled money from widows and orphans dies wealthy. So within that reality how do we make choices that are healthy, purposeful and sane? If you cannot or will not leave, consider making them leave (adult children can be evicted, abusive spouses can be removed by restraining order) or at least withdrawing financial/physical/emotional support (which means No Cooking Cleaning or Covering up for the addict.)
Al/Anon or speaking with a therapist is NOT punishment, it is a place to get help to stay strong and move yourself to a healthier place. Sometimes we have to restate the narrative we tell ourselves.
As the wise saying goes, it is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness. Don't allow yourself to be the victim, be the actor.
Good luck!

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LIFENPROGRESS 8/10/2014 2:05PM

    YOU cannot prevent another person from committing destructive behaviour. It's up to them to learn from their mistakes and stop.

If you cannot make them leave -- then, for your own sake (and any children), you must leave.

Why? Because you can't afford to subject yourself to someone else's bad choices.

Save yourself. You are the only one who can do it. You cannot "save" another person -- he must save himself.

“Separate yourself from those who hinder your vision. Make a choice to walk away from the trap set to ensnare you. Realize when someone is pulling you backwards every time you take a step forward. Separate from them and the result of your action will be a life of success.”
~ Amaka Imani Nkosazana ~

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BHENDRICK2 8/10/2014 1:32PM

    emoticon

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what's your approach?

Saturday, May 17, 2014

as you may remember - my boy has been losing weight. his approach is NOT to stand on the scale, but dig out articles of clothing that he has not been able to wear for a very very long time. i have to say it is exciting for me to see him happy and come out of his room and say 'hey look this fits again!' BUT i am very curious as to the #'s lbs down.
you see that is MY approach - and also the tape measure. there lies a dilemma for a lot of us cause we all know the scale can be scathingly cruel - an extra bun or even just hormonal changes and water retention can wreck havoc on ourselves.
but still i like to see a number -
i even have an 'impedance scale' which is supposed to tell me fat loss as opposed to other stuff. it has never been too enlightening for me - the one at the dr. clinic used to be my bible - but i don't attend there any more.
so i wondered with all of you out there following this healthy quest - what is your approach - what makes you feel confident that you are on the right track.
just eating clean and correct every day ? just being sure you have exercised?
let's discuss.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BABYSOX 5/18/2014 6:28AM

    The best approach is whatever works for a person. I go do weigh myself regularly but the fit of my clothes is also a check. Congrats to your son. It sounds like he is approaching this in a healthy way and is not obsessing with the numbers.

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FEEDING YOUR INNER SPIRIT -

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

it is so surprising to me - what can nurture your heart and soul.
Sunday was mother's day and the morning started with a beautiful card along with four favorite books to read. THE WALKING DEAD is one of my passions and i have withdrawal when it goes off for the summer months. so this will keep me entertained and intrigued for the summer time. BONUS - lot of stuff included that is NOT in the TV episodes.
a cousin of mine was having an art exhibit for charity - so my boy said let's you and me go mom. it was exhilerating in so many ways - first i was welcomed with so many hugs and smiles - as we all have not seen each other for a long long time. the days and months have such a habit of slipping by unfortunately.
the art/photography was breathtaking - but all the more since each and every piece existed for a person. not such a person - but some one who was fighting cancer, had lost the battle or had a child in this position. there was a personal history accompanying each and every canvas or framed photo.
i bought some one of a kind greeting cards - all specially dedicated and signed by the artists.
it was just so fulfilliing.
then my kids met up and took me to a lovely dinner out - a country place with great atmosphere. even mother nature was good to us moms and gave us a beautiful sunny warm day.
this has uplifted me, given me a new renewal to take care of me - and a firm resolution to keep up the fight .
i thank the Good Lord and i never forget my blessings - some times that gets buried deep down inside.
i hope all you good mothers had a great day - and every day upcoming too.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EILEEN828 5/14/2014 8:17AM

    What a lovely Mom's day! Glad you enjoyed it. We had a sunny day too!

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RAINBOWFALLS 5/14/2014 7:56AM

    It was a beautiful day here as well. What a great way for you to spend the day. I always love things like that to help others in need. I always love my books over shows. They capture so much more in the book. Enjoy!

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BABYSOX 5/14/2014 6:30AM

    Sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day!

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JLAMING263 5/13/2014 3:07PM

    emoticon

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NOT a lot of food BUT a ton of carbs

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

just another reason not believe the total calories in/out - and the equation that 3500 calories equal ONE POUND.
i have been craving carbs so intensely (some times i think my brain remembers every single day i deprived myself) and when i am under so much stress like now , i decided to figure out the calorie count - and eat what i desire. as long as i don't go over that calorie count i should have LOST SOMETHING, OR AT THE LEAST STAYED THE SAME.
ha ha ha - you know it don't you ?! i gained five pounds!!!! now i wish some one could figure it out - or give in to the fact that if you eat ice cream, or cupcakes - even though you have stayed within or at your calorie alotment - IT AIN'T HAPPENIN'!!!!
for the past two weeks i have kept a diary - i have eaten sensibly (protein shake for breakfast which is low carb and low cal. ) but for my afternoon snack i had as an example, a toasted bagel (230 cal. for cinnamon raisin) one teaspoon of butter and one teaspoon of marmalade- add another 125 calories. so that is a meal. for dinner i would have lean chicken, but still have baked potato (which i have all but eliminated from my diet in the past) with sour cream on top, and green salad with oil and vinegar dressing. my calories for the day is set at 1200 calories - on two occasions i did go over that by 200 calories..
anyway - the scale punched me right in the gut - but deep down i knew i would not stay or loose but that bad things would happen.
mentally - i felt so much better not having to constantly say no and deny my self. i am weary of that.
i am tired of always choosing one thing over the other when i really want what it is i want.
there are days i eat next to nothing- i have plenty of water, clear tea, and so on.
the theory for no weight loss then is 'you have not eaten enough' .
i am just plain warn out with all this self talk, denial and never getting to where i would like to be.
i don't feel particularly energized when i don't eat carbs - cause another theory is carbs make you tired, slouchy and wanting to sleep.
i think that applies to my stress/depression for the life i have - THAT is what makes me tired, slouchy and wanting to sleep. problem is i don't sleep very well or very long.
oh yes, that is another NO WEIGHT LOSS THEORY - no sleep - no weight loss.
looks like i bat a thousand - all on the negative side.
anyway - i miss my carbs and i will not diss carbs any more.. they are ok in my book.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BHENDRICK2 8/10/2014 1:34PM

    i think everyone is different what works for me may not work for you

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RAINBOWFALLS 5/7/2014 8:07AM

    I do find that a higher protein diet works for me and not so much a higher carb diet. I wish you the best.

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BABYSOX 5/7/2014 6:37AM

    I agree with you on somethings. I believe our bodies do digest carbs, fats and proteins differently and at different rates. The in/out theory doesn't apply on any particular day or even week. But over a longer period of time, it seems to balance out for me. I try not to deprive myself of anything and try to eat a balanced diet. I have found that over time, my choices of healthier food become my preferences.
At times in the past, I became to consumed with not eating specific foods and gave up. This is not an all or nothing and is not about perfection. For me, it is about living a healthy lifestyle.
You are learning what works for you. That is what is most important.
emoticon

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JAPITTARD 5/6/2014 6:59PM

    You are CORRECT! It's just not as simple as calories in and calories out. Your body is a complicated machine. You have to find what works for your body AND ultimately you will not be successful long term if you feel like you are depriving yourself all the time.

I have been back on my journey for a total of 9 weeks and I have lost 16 lbs. I have done my best to have a good mix of healthy carbs, lean meats and healthy fats and I workout 30 minutes a day, no more (not because I don't believe I should, I just don't have time to make more than that work in my day). For lunch I had Chicken, Spinach, Avocado on a slice of sprouted grain bread. Super good and I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I also try to eat 5-6 times per day or every 2.5-3.5 hours. You can do this! You just have got to make this work for yoU! Let me know if you want so other ideas or suggestions. I am more than happy to help!!!

-Amy P
Also I host a fitness and accountability group on Facebook. It’s a private group where we check in, keep each other accountable and encourage one another on our journeys! Because it is private what you post in the group doesn’t show up on your regular feed. I would love for you to join us. If you would like you can either message me your email address and I can add you that way (we don’t have to be FB friends if I add you by email….. OR you can find me on Facebook and add me as a friend (facebook.com/amy.pittard). Once you add me as a friend I can add you directly to the group. I hope you join in!!


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so the sun is shining --- B U T!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Hi all - it has been awhile - i see the temps trying very hard to rise - but today as lovely as the sunshine is - it is too cold - can't get out and clean up in the yard - as everything still under snow or encased in ice.

update on Esther - she has spent two months in the rehab facility - now she can do some weight bearing exercise so she begged to come home. yesterday she came home and she will have home care/therapy etc. it has been a very frightening experience for her. i am planning for the easter bunny to visit and cheer her up!!!

have a nice sunday wherever you may be - BB

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RAINBOWFALLS 4/9/2014 8:23AM

    I am glad she has made great progress - You are a good friend. We have had a brutal winter here and I am looking forward to the warmer days ahead.

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BABYSOX 4/7/2014 6:29AM

    Each day will be a little warmer.

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