Friday, June 29, 2012
I know this blog is a bit off-topic, but it's been on my mind for some time, and I feel this is as good of a place to unload it as any other. And it does tie in with weight loss, sort of. Anyway...
I've struggled most of my life with feeling inadequate.
And I think I'm finally beginning to see why- I let others dictate how I should think/act/work. And by "others" I'm referring to friends, family, strangers, and the commonly accepted ways of appropriate behavior and thinking that this country seems to have adopted (such as finding "the one thing" I'm "meant" to do, etc etc)
I've always felt that I have zero drive to get what I want. Lazy, procrastination, lack of desire - always seem to get in my way when I've set my mind on something.
As a child, I decided I wanted to be rich - as if "Rich" were a job in itself and not something that happens when you land a great job.
In third grade, I decided I wanted to be a writer. I've yet to write a book.
In 11th grade, I decided I wanted to be an EMT. I haven't worked as an EMT a single day. - though I did graduate with a 4.0.
The three years I spent getting my AA, were spent in confusion. I JUST DIDNT KNOW what I wanted to be "when I grew up". This led me to getting a general AA degree, which, if you're not transferring to a university, is useless in the job world.
All of this is because I allowed "common thinking" to tell me that I had to pick JUST ONE thing and do it for the Rest. Of. My. Life. And that this thing, and how aggressively I pursue it, will define me to the rest of the world. Hence the feelings of inadequacy previously mentioned.
I graduated in 2005 with that AA and haven't gone back to school. It's an interest of mine, as I love learning, but certainly not a priority.
ARE YOU CRAZY?! You must be saying to yourself, right now. Well, maybe I am, but not as crazy as you might think.
I decided years ago, though maybe not consciously, that I don't want to have a "job" in the traditional sense. I read recently that work should be something you do, not a place you go. How many times have you said "I have to go to work." or " so & so is at work" as if it's a specific realm of purgatory or something.
And doesn't it feel like that? (if you LOVE your job, feel free to tune out for a bit here). I haven't worked in over a year, and I can't begin to tell you how much better my life is because of it.
And I've decided, short of a dire financial emergency, I'm not going back. UNLESS, I can find something I LOVE. Something that speaks to me - calls my name, like I've been missing and it's been looking for me for years.
And you know what? I KNOW it'll find me. Whether it exists already, or whether it comes to me in an idea (or more probably, a mix of the two), it WILL find me.
It's taken me a long time to realize all of this, and, especially, that I'm not lazy or unprincipled. I just haven't found the thing that sparks me to continue, to persevere... YET.
Same goes for losing weight, you know. Feeling inadequate because you aren't the weight society dictates that you should be. How many times have you given up because you felt so overwhelmed trying to meet a goal that has nothing to do with YOU, and more to do with what's acceptable to society? How many times has your light burned out because of this?
I've been there.
How can this be a good way to approach things? I mean each of us is different from everyone else, even twins aren't truly identical, so why should we follow a one-size fits all way to live? What I've found is that one-size fits all, usually doesn't fit anybody.
So I'm going my own way. My own path. My own way of doing things. And that's what's right for ME.
If you haven't found the spark to light your fire, keep going. Keep waiting. It'll come. Just you wait and see.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Normally my fiance has the morning "shift" of walking the dogs because he's always up getting ready for work anyway. But today, was his day to sleep in, so that left me with poop duty.
It was early, the sun was up, but it was so cloudy, you'd hardly know it. The grass was wet from last night's rain and this morning's dew. My dogs hate wet grass with a passion. Give em a pond and they're happier than a cat at a fishing tournament. But wet some grass and suddenly a quick potty trip becomes a Test of Wills: who will give in first?
Eventually, in exasperation, I forfeited my claim to the winners trophy and began heading back inside. Precious, my chihuahua mix, was pulling with all her might to get off the grass and onto the sidewalk. Once on it, I swear I could feel a collective sigh of relief from the both of them.
Once back on the sidewalk, Precious got a whiff of some interesting smell right there in the middle of the sidewalk. She stopped dead, plastering her nose to the bricks. I pulled, and she resisted with all the force she could muster in her tiny 5lb body. I tugged again, out muscling her, and said "You don't get to do what you want to do, until you do what I want you do." (If you tell me you've never talked to an animal as if it were a human, well... I call your bluff.)
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, a realization hit me - how many times in our lives have we, essentially, been "pets" to someone else, waiting to do what we want, until we're done serving the wants of others?
Sure, sure sometimes it's necessary - sleep deprivation is necessary when taking care of an infant, and you can't exactly tell your boss where to shove it when he insists making you stay late.
But a LOT OF THE TIME, we do this without even realizing we're doing this. Or we realize it, but have been so socially conditioned into believing that what we're doing is something we have to do.
Do you have to sign your child teen up for 5 different after-school activities and then proceed to taxi him to each one? NO. Cut that down to one or two, or even better, make him/her get a part time job to PAY FOR THEIR OWN CAR, so they can drive themselves.
Do you have to sign up for (yet another) work/school/pta committee? NO
A friend asks you to help them move. Do you say yes, even if you have no idea how you'll fit it into your schedule?
Do you say yes to going to the park after your kids have asked you for the umpteeth time, even though you have stuff you need to do, you're tired, and they just went 3 days ago?
How many workouts have you skipped because you overbooked yourself?
How many times have you gone through the drive-thru because the kids begged you for it?
When someone says "jump", how often do you respond with, "How high"?
We reason with ourselves, trying to make self-neglect a good thing. We're a good friend. We're a good employee. We're a good parent.
But you CAN NOT BE A GOOD ANYTHING IF YOU'RE NOT HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
There's a reason that the airlines have the rule "Put your oxygen mask on first, before anyone else" and there's a reason many have quoted that line over and over...
If you die, you can't help anyone else. If you're not eating healthy, how can you teach your child healthy habits? If you don't give yourself time for yourself, who will? If you don't love yourself, who can even know you well enough to love you?
YOU must always put yourself first. It's not selfish - It's a necessity.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Right now, I sit here, with an indescribable emotion flowing through me. This is good, but I just can't name it. I dunno.
I've been thinking a lot about life, career, health and what I want out of all of them. I know what I don't want, but narrowing down what I DO want is decidedly more difficult to pinpoint.
The thing is... where my mind is taking me right now, is somewhere 5 or 10 years ago, I'd never have contemplated. So, it's hard to decide if it's my brain going on yet another tangent (it has tendency of doing that) or if it is indeed the direction I should be going. Either way, my idea is full of holes that I have to fill in, in order for anything to make sense, and I'm getting the feeling this is going to take a lot of soul searching.
I know I'm being very vague right now, and for that I'm sorry. I'm not quite ready to bare all of my thoughts just yet. But I can guarantee that when I am, you guys will be the first to know.
Just know this: I could be on the brink of changing my life in amazing ways, or it could be just a fleeting whimsy. Only time will tell.
I will give you a hint - It involves writing, helping through motivation, and career. It's also about being me, and being me MY WAY.
oh and W1D3 of 100PuP: 4,5,4,4,6. Week 2 begins Saturday.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Just a little update on the random challenges/prompts I'm participating in:
100PuP: Yesterday was Week 1, Day 2. I completed the schedule (3,4,2,3,5) with little difficulty. I felt it though! And I'm reminded why I'm doing this- not just to tone my upper body, but to help my right shoulder which is still very weak since my accident.
15DVC: Write an exhaustive list of the reasons why it isnít a question whether or not you are going to lose this weight, it is just a matter of time. Include your skills, talents, education, experiences, personal characteristics, support systems, and anything else you can think of (examples: you've done it before, you've learned so much about what doesn't work during your past attempts, you are participating in this challenge, a job promotion you worked for and got, specific projects you have completed, etc.), DON'T BE AFRAID TO SOUND LIKE YOU ARE BRAGGING...that's the whole point!!!!
*I'm not a quitter.
*I enjoy the feeling of completing a workout.
*I pride myself on my logical abilities.
*I know what I'm doing. Despite sometimes telling myself I don't know enough, I do. A dietician confirmed it!
*All the time I'm learning what doesn't work for me. I use that knowledge for my benefit.
*I'm not scared to try new things. In fact, I enjoy it.
*I am curious. I'm always finding ways of altering things to fit me and my personality.
*I enjoy a wide range of hobbies, which I'm successful at. All are self-learned. If I can teach myself to knit and sew, why not teach myself to be healthy?
I'm not sure if that's an exhaustive list, but I like it. Lauren, absolutely awesome prompt btw!
5% Summer Challenge: List YOUR reasons/excuses on why YOUR diets and exercise plans have not been well executed in the past.
1. I let uncontrollable outside influences get me off track and out of habit.
*The last two times I've "fall off the wagon" per se, were due to moving and losing my internet. Lost my habits, lost my motivation. I will not be moving any time soon... but there can still be things that try to throw a wrench in my habits- holidays, friends visiting, vacations, and the number ONE thing - the kids being out of school. I will navigate these problems, by refusing to get out of habit. It may take some creativity, but I vow to maintain my good habits by planning ahead.
In fact, in the last three days, I've hit the gym ALL of the days, which is MORE than when the kids were in school.
2. I get bored with workout videos quickly, which leads to "but I don't wanna..."
*If I find myself getting bored with something, I will immediately switch it up for something else. Get several things I like and rotate it.
3. Feeling alone
*Sometimes, I really feel alone and disconnected, which decreases my desire to participate in groups and such. But I have to remember that I need only to make a post and I will have many people to cheer me on!
In other news, I've enjoyed two wonderful, peaceful, kid-free days (grandparents are GREAT!), in which I was able to de-stress and complete some great workouts and some serene alone pool time. It was fabulous.
They are on their way home right now, and my goal for tomorrow is to maintain the schedule I've gotten used to in the last week. I won't let the kids being here derail me! Plus, they'll enjoy the pool time.
Hope everyone is having a good start to their week!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
As some of you may have seen from my status update last night, I pulled out the grill and cooked me up some yummy chicken for last nights dinner. I've watched people grill many, many times, but I've never actually done it myself.
But yesterday, I decided to change that! And I did! And you wanna know something? (sssshhh don't tell the men this...) That was the best darn bbq chicken I've EVER eaten.
I love the flavor of bbq sauce, but I can't stand gooey, sticky, messy chicken.... So, what I did was season the chicken with rotisserie seasoning and let it sit while I readied the coals (Lighting the dang thing was by far the hardest part! Super windy + matches = not fun). Then I just grilled the chicken until it was mostly done. At that point I took one tsp of watered down bbq sauce and rubbed it on the chicken and let it cook until it had kind of carmelized on the chicken (not sure if I'm describing it correctly lol). When I took the chicken off, I threw on some summer squash. Paired with a salad, this was one yummy dinner!
Update on my 100PuP:
Week 1 Day 1 - I completed the scheduled 2,3,2,2 pushups, ending with 7. I had to change from knee pushups to doing them on my kitchen bar counter. So it's lower than wall pushups. I just wasn't able to maintain form with knee pushups.
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