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Figuring myself out

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Since the big revelation last week, I've been focusing on things that I've done that may not help me. I realize that I try to help other people out all the time, putting myself on the back burner frequently. When I'm doing that, I tend to get frustrated that I am not taken care of.

It seems that I try to help people out, but no one (besides my husband and parents) ever helps me out (granted, I do have one good friend that would drop everything to help me). (Okay, that's 4 people, perhaps more than some people, but far fewer than most.)

I haven't told everyone I know about the Asperger's diagnosis. My Facebook friends don't need to know, I don't trust that forum for random things anyhow. I did tell my best friend and she understood why it took so long for this diagnosis when I told her we've been out of high school longer than it's been a true diagnosis in the medical world.

My therapist wrote it down as a true diagnosis this week after going through the symptoms and my having most of them. I'm so glad that I'm not just odd, but truly diagnosable.

Getting back to this weight thing. I know I told everyone I lost that 10 pounds, getting myself back down to 175, but I'm back up that 10 pounds to 185. It's the weight that I have had since the first big weight loss. I've maintained it since then. I'm not sure at this point if I'm fine with it or if I really want to lose the rest to get to my original goal. It does fluctuate a few pounds each way, but when I'm not on top of it, I seem to settle at about the 185.

I can still say I've lost about 50 pounds (it's really 45 at this weight, but still). I can say I've maintained a significant weight loss. The question still remains, am I content with this weight and body shape?

I am having a harder time finding bras than when I was fat. I'm in that awkward in-between size, not quite plus size, but not really fitting into the "misses" sizes for the rest of my clothes too. Surprisingly I have quite a wardrobe despite that, partly because I only buy a few items at a time, and because I've now been at this size for a good couple of years now. I know that the shirts I do have will simply fit me even better if/when I lose more weight.

I think that as I get to know myself better in the next year, the weight will naturally do what it needs to do. I know I'm an emotional eater, so when I'm at peace, It tend to make better choices and not go full out with the sweet things.

I have been working on getting my steps up. Wednesdays are my big step days. I got over 15,000 yesterday for the second time since I started with my FitBit a couple of years ago. I'm starting to walk more in the mornings when it's cold, but have not been doing it too much yet, since it has been too warm for the birds to migrate still. That danged red-winged blackbird is still in the same tree where it attacked me last spring.

I'm making much better dinners since I started on that dinner planning site. I'm glad I got a free year to try it out. It might be worth it to keep it going past that year. My meals have been tastier, full of veggies, and satisfying. It's like I went from greasy diner cooking to four star restaurant. I hadn't thought of trying some of the combinations it's been giving me. My husband has been bringing leftovers nearly every day to lunch the next day.

It will be an interesting year to see how far I go now that I have a basis for my personality and all it's flaws.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BROOKLYN_BORN 10/24/2014 9:03AM

    There is value at maintaining your weight at whatever number it is. Knowing how much food and exercise your body needs to stay exactly where it is, is important. Then you can make whatever adjustments (in calories in or out) to move on from there, at your own pace and in your own time.

Good luck

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KAREN608 10/24/2014 6:14AM

    I might have one person I can depend on.
I don't know if you read comments or not.
You have family, medical attention, so all in all do you realize you are in a good situation? Weight IS tricky, and deciding what is right for you is a big question.

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JAMER123 10/23/2014 11:14PM

    So glad you have a diagnosis. It makes it easier to work with it when "it" is known. It is certainly going to help you work with your goals you have set. Take care and enjoy each day as it comes.
emoticon emoticon

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FRAN0426 10/23/2014 4:42PM

    So happy for you that you have finally gotten a diagnosis, now the therapy can focus on helping you with that. It is so difficult not knowing what is the reason you feel somewhat different.
The weight, ya I too have slipped up and have gained some weight back---up and down with the scale, it gets frustrating which doesn't help either. Look at the entire picture, get your bearings from the diagnosis , then figure what your plan about weight loss will be.
Sounds like your having fun with using the dinner planning site, good for you and your family.
Sending all the best wishes for you with your journey.

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FORZACHANDMATT 10/23/2014 3:22PM

    You take care of yourself and learn more about you! And don't tell anyone or say anything you don't feel comfortable with!

And the dinner planning sounds great - what site is it?

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NUTINLOOKSLIKE 10/23/2014 1:30PM

    I think you've done great :) Whether you let your weight settle where it is, or you continue to strive for your goal weight, you've made a lot of healthy changes that your family is reaping the benefits of!

Stop thinking of them as "personality flaws!" They are traits that make you, YOU, and they're beautiful, even if they make you (or your family) crazy sometimes! emoticon


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CATTUTT 10/23/2014 1:07PM

    I think it's great that you're considering letting your body settle where it settles.

Oh, and that bird still being in that tree would freak me out every time I was near it. I'm traumatized FOR you that you got dive bombed. Yikes!

Hope you're having a good afternoon!

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144AUTUMN 10/23/2014 12:21PM

  You can do it!!

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Finally! I know why I'm so weird.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

As many of you may know, I've been going to a therapist for months now. Going back farther though, I have always been a little "different". My mother even took me to a specialist as a teenager and we got a diagnosis then, but I don't think it was the right one.

Yesterday my therapist told me I likely have Asperger's syndrome. When she told me that it made so much sense! That would also be the reason I never had a proper diagnosis as a kid and so many issues in school. I have been out of high school for longer than this diagnosis has been mainstream.

After finding this out, I took an online quiz about it and scored in the range, although in the high functioning, just on the line to obviously in the range range.

This explains my being so distracted at times. It explains my passion for certain things. It explains why I get upset if I can't have the breakfast I always have. It even explains my extreme moodiness since I can't always articulate my feelings about things. It explains my social awkwardness.

It's tough having gone through so much of life not knowing coping mechanisms and just being labeled as a little weird. None of my teachers, especially in elementary, knew how to handle me. I just can't imagine how much easier life would have been if the school system had a booklet about how to handle someone like me. I got bumped around so often between classes because they didn't know where to place me, in the smart, but I'm bored class, or the normal, but I can kind of get through it class.

But now I'm a full grown adult with a family. I'm fortunate to have found a man that can handle me as I am without knowing why I'm so odd. He can calm me and I think we'll be able to understand me better as we go on with this therapy.

Hopefully the talk with my mother will go well later today. I haven't been able to talk to her about it since I found out yesterday. I hope she takes it well and understands instead of blowing it off since it's such a new type of label.

No matter what, I'm relieved that there is a reason for my oddness. I can find new coping mechanisms and strategies for getting through life without being too odd.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERINLINDSAY83 10/22/2014 10:57PM

    My father-in-law has Asperger's. Glad you got an answer! Good luck on your journey!

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TRUCKERSMRS 10/18/2014 8:51AM

    Really pleased you have a diagnosis. I hope you can embrace this and move forward to a more positive area in your day to day life.

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TORTISE110 10/17/2014 8:17AM

    Hi Cakermom, You sound like you have found some peace with your diagnosis. I'm pleased for you and I hope it leads to new understanding and strategies to cope as you have concluded in your lovely blog.

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NUTINLOOKSLIKE 10/16/2014 10:25PM

    Glad you got some answers emoticon Now you know, and "knowledge is power!" Sorry - too many GI Joe cartoons as a kid emoticon I hope that the talk goes well with your mom.

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KRISTA987 10/16/2014 10:04PM

    Good luck with the conversation with your mom. I know how awkward that can be, when I was going through my issues with depression and anxiety - which I've been dealing with for years, but my family would never acknowledge it.

Glad you finally know whats going on. Now you can move forward in your life. What a great feeling that is!

Take Care emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/16/2014 10:04:36 PM

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KABMPH 10/16/2014 8:21PM

    I didn't get a diagnosis when I went to therapy, but my therapist validated me in a way that made such a huge difference in my life. I am so happy for you that you feel validated. Good luck with your mom.

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ACRAIG921 10/16/2014 3:46PM

    I'm glad you were able to get answers to lingering questions. I hope that your talk with your mom goes well. emoticon

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KAREN608 10/16/2014 2:11PM

    I think I am mild aspergers myself. It does help us understand ourselves and nice to know others have same condition.

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CATTUTT 10/16/2014 12:50PM

    It's so great to have an answer. I felt that way when I got my Bipolar diagnosis. Woo hoo for knowing what's going on with you and why!

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BBEAGAN 10/16/2014 12:26PM

    Some of my favourite people have Aspergers! It's wonderful to have an explanation and can be really helpful in accepting some 'eccentricities', and also in deciding when to push your own comfort zones. Knowing what is going on is just helpful... Good luck with next steps!

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FORZACHANDMATT 10/16/2014 12:21PM

    Hopefully this will help you and explain things even though it's later in life

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BROOKLYN_BORN 10/16/2014 11:04AM

    Two of my grandsons are in that "high functioning" group. I agree that in the past they would have just been considered a bit odd. So much more is understood now.

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BRAINBENTT 10/16/2014 10:28AM


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IAINSGIRL1990 10/16/2014 10:25AM

    ((((hugs)))) Praying the talk goes well. So glad you got answers. There is no worse feeling in the world to know something is wrong and no one can explain what or why!

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Frustration = Not as good food choices.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I have many things going on. Perhaps I'm making them bigger in my head than they really are, but this week is just getting to me.

I tried to reach out to a local group that was trying to bring awareness to mental health with a 5k. That's great that they were doing the 5k and other little things they did to go along with it, but in the process they decided to do a balloon release. 300 bright yellow balloons with that plastic string were released. I tried to get them to change their minds about it before the event because it's basically just tossing litter into the air, but they gave me the brush off "we'll discuss it in committee" not thinking about the consequences of their actions. Since the local paper decided to highlight the balloon release instead of the actual run or the chalk sayings, I'm now more frustrated. So many people don't think past their fingertips when they do things. What's even more interesting is that I'm one of those people that are having mental issues at the moment, I guess their awareness didn't go too far. So now I'm in what can I do to bring awareness to the local community mode so it doesn't keep on happening. I did write on the paper's facebook page about their part in the glorification of balloon releases locally, but I think I'll have to walk up their with the graphic paperwork. (See for what I mean.)

That is one of the big things making me stressed out. I also have a sick family, I even had to bring my asthmatic to the doctor yesterday to make sure we're doing the right thing to get him through this cold. He doesn't do well with even minor colds. That made for a day where I could have done other things round the house, but got nothing done because of the having to run around for a sick child.

My husband is having a friend over this weekend, so I feel the need to have the house really clean. It's in chaos at the moment. I know doing the laundry will really help (I have 8 loads this week because we couldn't do it last week), but I also have some toys laid out to put up on Ebay for my mom, and I also need to do the normal weekly cleaning.

So Deep Breath.

I canceled any time I would have taken with my mom out this week, I just don't have the time and if I'm harboring germs I don't want to get her sick.

I will get the laundry done today and at least upload the Ebay pictures to my computer and get them cropped.

I won't worry about the general cleaning until Thursday. I can't do too many things all at once.

I will do my normal Wednesday things. The walk and the chat helps.

I am glad I have the program planning out my meals. It's one less thing to have to worry about. It makes dinner time more interesting and less frustrating. I had grits for the first time last night because of it. They were yummy (shrimp and grits).

The food choices though...

This week I've had more desserts than normal. I've eaten out more than normal. I've eaten more than normal. I even had fries and pop this week.

I haven't stepped on the scale. I know it won't say anything nice.

On the other hand, I have had more vegetables than normal. The dinner planning reminds me to have vegetable sides with every meal.

I've noticed that some of my good habits are wearing off on my husband. I forgot to get some broth this weekend and he picked up the good free range organic chicken broth instead of just whatever. I guess my values are known to him well enough. His position in his job now (he used to do a sit down job, but now is in a physical position) is making him gain muscles and lose fat. I like that it's helping him get to a better weight, with no real effort.

No matter how big the thing seems, I still need to take it one step at a time instead of getting stuck with how much there is to do.

Yes, the house is horrible at the moment, but if I work on things one thing at a time, it will get done.

My food choices have not been the best, but I can go forward with better choices and be glad that healthy food tastes really good.

I can still take time for myself during the week or I'll go completely crazy instead of just hanging on the edge of crazy. Playing a video game will not throw off my whole week.

I can let the other people in the household help me out to get stuff done.

I can keep on writing that list of stuff I have gotten done so I can look back and see that I did get things done instead of looking at all the stuff that still needs to get done.

I can put off the whole environmental awareness stuff until I have some real time to go out in the world and do it. I can only do so much, I can't make other people change, I can only give them the information they need to make their own choices. I may even be able to get the legislation changed to include litter from a stand still instead of just out of your car, but it will have to wait until I have the time and energy.

In the meantime I need to remember to breathe. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TORTISE110 10/16/2014 5:20AM

    Wow, you have a lot to get done. I like how you were thinking of things you had to let go to meet your goals. We can't do everything, at least not all at once!

Sometimes I do find that if I make sure to keep to my food goals I actually feel better about being so busy. I think it's a sense of control in the midst of chaos! LOL Also water breaks.

Good luck to you. I bet you will meet your goals.

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BEACHCALSIX 10/15/2014 1:17PM

    stress always causes me to want to eat more. I've found writing out a list of daily goals really helps. Or when I go for a walk I'll go over the goals I want to accomplish for the day. the whole balloon thing never made sense to me either. I hope people wake up and see what it creates. Sometimes it can take time. Hang in there! Hope you get some me time in and relax, have a good day!

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FRAN0426 10/14/2014 11:54PM

    Making lists is something I have done forever it seems, yes it helps me know what I have done, what needs to be done and look forward to crossing what has been done off on the list. Funny, but I think my kids thought I really didn't need to make lists, well now my daughter makes lists for herself at times. Hope all get to feeling better at your home soon.

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BROOKLYN_BORN 10/14/2014 4:49PM

    I never thought about the effect of balloon releases. You've raised my awareness. Perhaps the group will see the light also once the event is over and they have time to think about it. It may prompt a different type of promotion next time. You never know.

Hang in there and as others have said, take it one day at a time.

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KABMPH 10/14/2014 2:32PM

    You said your peace to those people, and it's all you can do. I'm proud of you for speaking up!

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HOLLYM48 10/14/2014 2:24PM

    try to take it one day at a time, with one thing at a time. It is hard to get everything done sometimes. I hope making the lists help so you can see that you are making progress. Hang in there!

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CATTUTT 10/14/2014 1:21PM

    Wow, it sounds like you have a lot going on right now. I hope you're able to stay sane and sort things out!

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KAREN608 10/14/2014 12:49PM

    Trying to be all and do all might get you bogged down.

In my smaller town, we've never had balloon releases, so never think about it.
But I can see why it bothers you when groups do that. It is pollution.

I'm catching up on laundry myself.
And house needs lots of work again.

I'm thinking of eating more beans, rice and veg for the winter.

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ALIHIKES 10/14/2014 12:48PM

    Best wishes to you, and good luck in making it through this trying time. I also tend to over eat and eat too many sweets when I am stressed; unfortunately it usually upsets my stomach and ADDS to my stress. But do I still engage in those ingrained learned behaviors? YES. We can all just keep adding small healthy steps, and forgive ourselves for being human.

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WIFE48 10/14/2014 11:49AM

    Yes, sometimes we just need to "let things go" in order to keep our own mental health safe.

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I was told it's a candy month.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

While I was at that party this weekend, I was reminded that it's a candy month. We came upon talking about it because we were enjoying the dessert table (brownies and cheesecakes and dips galore!) and I wasn't even thinking about this being the month of candy.

I have decided that we're not giving out candy this year. We only get a few kids anyhow, so it's not worth keeping the candy in the house. This would normally be a hard month for me because I'd have to repurchase bags of candy by the end of it, but since I've decided not to be part of the giving out the candy for the holiday, I won't have to worry about having any candy in bulk in the house.

To top it off the kids I was talking to made me feel a bit old when they started talking about how their parents would give out the candy and they still talked about trick-or-treating (they seemed in their early 20's). When did I become the old person? (Yes, I know, old is relative.)

Either way, it was nice to have to be reminded that some people are going to have candy issues this month, but I won't. Even when my kids are done with their door to door escapades, I won't be too tempted. I was actually surprised that the candy holiday wasn't even in my mind so early in the month. Even at the grocery store, I have my blinders on in that first area that houses all the holiday stuff.

Here's to my "no candy zone" for the month!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN608 10/9/2014 9:56PM

    Good for you!
Old? Well I am 55 and so many are looking at me like I am an old lady. But pressure is off. I don't have to buy and give out candy. I can be the old lady that leaves her porch light off! ha ha!

Blinders are a great thing to put on in October and leave on until January. Or leave them on nonstop since sale candy in January and every month as it's holiday treats these days. Maybe we can change that. For Sparkers, let us have strawberries for Valentines, or tomatoes.
Green veg for March.

Red and Green veg for Christmas of course.
Man, I think I am on to something here!!!

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BEACHCALSIX 10/9/2014 1:36PM

    emoticon to no candy month! I am taking my kids trick or treating. Last year I threw out a lot of the candy they got. I plan on doing the same this year. I try to view sugar as poisonous now and restrict it whenever I can. Not easy, I'm still addicted to the stuff. Moderation is ok but once that first bite hits my mouth I want to binge lol. Here's to no candy month! emoticon
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ACRAIG921 10/8/2014 1:42PM

    I don't buy it until a few days before. I hide it from the family or my hubby will open it and then I'll get into it. I won't open a closed package, but if it's already open, that's when I tend to get into it.

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CINDYLOU4782 10/8/2014 1:37PM

    Ugh I sent my husband to the grocery store on Saturday; he came back with 2 big bags of Halloween candy. Luckily I hide it in the cabinet and have not took any. I told him he was testing my willpower!

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CATTUTT 10/8/2014 12:27PM

    I walk through the store with blinders on to all the Halloween candy too. I want to buy and eat tons of it. We don't get any trick or treaters because we are in a secured access building, so I don't have to buy any, thankfully.

Enjoy your candy free zone month!

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BROOKLYN_BORN 10/8/2014 11:17AM

    We don't buy candy until just before Halloween. We don't get many kids either and I always take the left overs to church immediately afterwards for kids' parties. I just can't have that stuff around.

DH keeps his stash well hidden from me. Out of sight, out of mind.

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Feeling better.

Monday, October 06, 2014

Last week I felt like falling over all week. It all of a sudden left my body on Friday, just in time for me to go to a party the next day. The blood work I had from the doctor came back "normal". There was one number that I thought was a bit too high for my body, but hopefully the next time I need to go in it will be back in the normal range.

I was not eating breakfast all weekend, but now I'm back on the breakfast kick. Not eating breakfast throws me off. Two-bite brownies for breakfast is even worse. Today I started the day off right.

I'm not sure if it was the lack of appetite or the fact that I'm getting more veggies again, but I'm down another pound again. I'm still above 180, but at this rate, I'll be back under it soon.

I found that I do not do well in social situations where I do not know anyone. I did find out that I should work on setting up a little party for the people I do know and have set that in motion. I miss those people, so I want to get together with them. Parties where I do know many people is a party I want to go to.

I missed the large step count last week with all the feeling like sitting all week. I was not able to get out with my mom since I was ill, so we missed out on our wandering the woods adventures. This week we'll get back and probably have another 10 GeoCaches under our belt, along with another 10,000 steps for the day. I plan on at least 13,000 steps for Wednesday since that's the day I walk all over town.

This last week I started up mini-drawings. Instead of working on a large surface, I'm drawing on business card sized paper. I feel more accomplished when I get many of them done instead of having half finished regular sized papers hanging around. I'll get some pictures of them up for you to see this week.

The dinner planning source I've been using this week is really helpful. It stops my kids from asking "What's for dinner?" all the time, I can just have them refer to the fridge. I also think about side dishes instead of just working on a main dish and forgetting to make sure there is a whole meal. It helps that I'm able to have different types of meals more frequently now instead of relying on a few go-to meals that I get stuck doing all the time. I hope that this will help me get out of the rut I seem to have gotten stuck in.

This will be a better week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN608 10/9/2014 9:50PM

    Miniatures! love that idea. Hope you keep feeling okay. I had a pretty icky week last week so maybe our bodies are just fighting something off.

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BEACHCALSIX 10/7/2014 1:52PM

    sorry about that falling over, sounds like weakness and low blood pressure. I always feel like that when my blood pressure drops. Hope you're feeling better!

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BROOKLYN_BORN 10/7/2014 7:59AM

    I'm glad your checkup went well and that you're feeling better. Your whole attitude is so much more upbeat. Fantastic!

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FRAN0426 10/6/2014 7:57PM

    You sound much more into your schedule and you will be back into the swing of things soon. Love the menu posted on the refrigerator, so much nicer than being asked what is for dinner every day.

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CATTUTT 10/6/2014 4:17PM

    I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, good luck on a good week!

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