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Planning...

Friday, October 24, 2014

So, I'm sitting with myself in the car this morning asking myself: "How do I get this going? What has worked before? What can still work with where I am now?"

I have to go back. WAY back. Before Spark even.

I've been dieting my whole life. I hate dieting. It sets off a cycle of self-hate in me that just hurts my heart and my bones. I punish myself for not losing weight fast enough, for not being strong enough, for not having a body like my friends and family. It's isolating and self-depricating, and not in a good way. The one big thing that has kept me away for so long has been the need to not be in that headspace. And, yet, here I am. Because the alternative still leads me down a rabbit hole of self-hate.

Darned if you do; darned if you don't...right?!

So what can I do RIGHT NOW to succeed and build some confidence? What is the ONE thing I KNOW I can succeed at if all else fails? Because I need that one thing to get me going.

Water.

Drinking water.

Damn, it's so simple and yet I've been allowing myself pop and tea way too often these days. Yesterday I sat on the couch (I was working from home), pouring through research documents and feeling SO thirsty, but I didn't go get any water because it "wasn't what I wanted..." Yea, that's just silly. I recognize that.

So, that's the ONLY goal I'm going to track right now. I might track my food, if I remember. I might track a workout if I manage to find one that doesn't hurt. But, more than anything, I WILL be drinking 8 glasses of water a day...10 if I can manage it.

If you're reading this...do it with me. Go drink 8 ounces of water RIGHT NOW and don't comment/reply to this post until you've done it. We are going to have to pee SO MUCH!! *lol*

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MANLEYSANDY 10/27/2014 2:37PM

    I just drank 8 oz. of water!

Ester, just keep trying, you'll get there in your own time. But remember, just showing up to life is good enough, you are do that every day! You are good enough right now!!

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FORZACHANDMATT 10/24/2014 8:16PM

    Going - thanks! You can do it!!

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LULULUCY 10/24/2014 2:35PM

    Yeah girl! Let's get our butts hydrated.

emoticon emoticon

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MERAINA 10/24/2014 1:32PM

    emoticon chugged!
Thanks for the reminder.
MWAH!

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BRIAEL 10/24/2014 12:23PM

    Drinking water is a great start. :) You don't even have to have water on its own - Walmart sells the little water additives that have only sucralose or stevia or xylitol (none of which will cause a massive insulin release) in a vast array of flavours! or you could have the herbal teas, if you prefer a hot drink now that the weather is cooling down. This is the season for lots of spiced herbal teas being sold, too, so if you like the pumpkin spice or apple cinnamon start looking for them in stores now. :)

Pop is bad for you on so many levels, not just the sugar content. If it destroys metal, imagine what it's doing to your insides!

One of my 3 Fat Chicks forum members has the following motivational quote in her posts:-

Losing weight is hard. Maintenance is hard. Being fat is hard. Pick your hard. (-Ishbel)

and I think it's so true. In terms of "hard"ness, I think it's probably easier to reconcile brain with body if both sides can make some concession - brain has to focus and body has to work. :)

You can do this, girl. You've done it before, it just takes BEING READY to make those changes. Be strong. We're with you 100%. :)



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ERIN1128 10/24/2014 12:15PM

    I promise, I'll drink my water as soon as I finish my coffee, LOL! Water is not a problem for me, I drink a ton. But I could give you a long list of problem stuff. We'll get there!

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ARUNNINGKAT 10/24/2014 11:57AM

    I very literally just drank 8 oz of water before reading this blog. Does that count? emoticon

Love the challenge! We can do it! So simple and yet so very effective too.

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GETHEALTHY83 10/24/2014 11:44AM

  I've noticed that if I put the water near me on my desk or car while driving I'll drink more of it! I fill up my tumbler at work and I sip it all day and I'll get about 2 or maybe 3 of them in and each one holds a lil more than 2 cups of water. Start small and work your way, that's what I'm doing also!

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DTHOR6 10/24/2014 9:52AM

    Please don't compare yourself to your friends. You are not them. You are you and your are unique!! One thing I have to tell myself over and over is I didn't put this weight on overnight, It's not going to come off overnight either, Shoot if it did we would all eat whatever we wanted whenever we wanted to right?

I don't have a problem getting my water in anymore, in fact I drink almost a gallon a day but it wasn't that way when I started this lifestyle change I had to force myself to drink the water because like you it isn't what I wanted. And honestly if I didn't have crystal light or some other water filler I still wouldn't get it in because I am all about flavor if that makes any sense.

Anyway my point was this.. don't degrade yourself sweetie. You are you and you are beautiful. And YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Kim

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EVIE4NOW 10/24/2014 9:40AM

  I always get my water in, but for you it will be an accomplishment. Go for it!

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Back Again

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Ready for more torture...

HA!

Okay, no, seriously. I need to do something. I need to get my head on straight. It's going to be baby steps. I'm not going to be good company for a while. I'm in the fake it 'til you make it stage and trying to focus on the positives when all I can think is, "It HURTS!" If you aren't in the headspace for a little negativity dump, you can come back when I'm back where I need to be mentally...but I can only give what I've got and I need this space for me right now, not to be motivational for others.

I'll come back with a plan when I have one.

Right now the plan is to show up. As much as possible. With as clear a head as possible.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOTUSFLOWER 10/23/2014 2:36PM

    I'm back too! We can do this.

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MANLEYSANDY 10/23/2014 11:21AM

    Keep on fighting!

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MERAINA 10/22/2014 2:07PM

    Right here with ya doll!
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ERIN1128 10/22/2014 1:17PM

    So glad you're back! We are always here for you, grumpy or no. :-)

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ARUNNINGKAT 10/22/2014 12:22PM

    Welcome back! So very glad to see you! No pressure on plan or progress... definitely take care of you! emoticon emoticon

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BRIAEL 10/22/2014 11:30AM

    Welcome back. :)

The point is that you ARE back. That's the biggest step, the rest will get easier. You know this, you've been here before (most of us, too) and you will be ready to step back in at some stage. :)

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GETHEALTHY83 10/22/2014 11:09AM

  you're not alone! I'm also "back" trying to refocus, take baby steps and cross my fingers that I can fake it til I make it so I can really start shaping up. Do what you need to do on here, that's what it's for! Now that you've written this down and vented a lil I know you can start to pull all your energy into this healthier life style. No time limit, no comparing, just do you!

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GUITARWOMAN 10/22/2014 9:47AM

    Nice to hear from you again!

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FORZACHANDMATT 10/22/2014 9:01AM

    Good job venting and doing whatever you can. Little steps are much better than no steps

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MISSROCKABILLY 10/22/2014 8:58AM

    Sweetie, you use this space for whatever YOU need it for, that's what it's here for! I'll be checking in with you when I can, I know all about faking it 'til you make it, and some negativity doesn't bother me. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
emoticon
Laura

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ANDREWMOM 10/22/2014 8:53AM

    emoticon

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Week 2 Check-In

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Okay. so let's just start by saying tomorrow is weigh-in and I am not looking forward to it. Week 2 was certainly harder, just as anticipated!

Goals for this week:
emoticon Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

I actually don't think I was able to do this yesterday. No clue what my problem was yesterday.

emoticon Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals.

Yea, I had 2 days of not logging. I will try to go back and recapture some of it so I can own up to what damage I may have done, but I don't know how well that will work. Sunday was just a case of overeating. I stress eat. I know that. And we just got an email from our foreign exchange student, which has put me into a tailspin. Trying to dig my way back out now. It's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Even my DREAMS are turning against me!

emoticon Walk every day.

This hasn't been happening. I need to figure out how to do this safely. I could feel my PF coming back with force. I have to make sure I'm being really careful here because I want progress, not a stop sign.

emoticon Start every morning with at least 1 positive affirmation.

This hasn't been going so well. I'm trying.

Quote for today: "I attribute my success to this: I never gave or took any excuse." –Florence Nightingale

Words to live by! No excuses!

emoticon Take starting measurements.

Full on admission - I haven't done this. Haven't found a measuring tape and have been too busy to worry about it.

emoticon Lose 2 pounds.

I really don't think this is going to happen. Right now I'm just asking not to gain more than those 5 pounds I lost last week back...

emoticon Start doing some yoga/stretching. Yoga at least 2 days. Stretching as a habit before and after walking. (I need to pay special attention to my feet because I feel that lingering PF just waiting to rear its ugly head. Going to try to stay on top of it this time.)

I haven't. It's not good. I should be.

emoticon At least 2 veggies and 1 fruit per day.

I haven't been counting, honestly, but I have been trying to make better choices.

I have no excuses. Life gets in the way and we have to not let it. We have to put aside the anger and hate and resentment and sadness and all of the trials we're dealing with in life and just work on bettering ourselves in every moment we can. We have to forget about the fight we just had with the Hubs and eat an apple instead of a pint of ice cream. Because I'm not a normal girl. I can't be sad like normal girls. I can't have cheat days like they do and not even notice the results. I have to be ON IT 24/7/7days a week. I wish it wasn't this way, but I could wish myself a pony and never get to ride.

Next week we're going on vacation. There will be a pool and a beach involved at some point, and I am so terrified I think I could spit. And then the vacation after that? It's ALL on the beach. I'm trying to pretend I don't care. I'm trying to buck up some false confidence to get through it, but my bathing suit is sitting on my dresser and I'm too afraid to even try it on to see if I need a new one. But I have to tonight. Tonight may be miserable for me. Remember me? The girl that used to swim DAILY? The girl that could swim a mile straight in the pool, no problem? Well, I haven't been in a pool so long because I'm just plain NOT feeling good about myself and my body. And I'm struggling to get past this point. I hate this part. I hate it so much. I know I can't move forward with being healthy and happy if I don't break through this part, but I really feel like I can't breathe.

And I suppose that's a lot of the reason for the self-destruction this week. That and the exchange student and the working on the marriage thing and the kids growing up thing and the fact that I haven't seen my youngest since FRIDAY! *sigh* It's not been a good week for me.

But what have I done right?

* Last night I went out with Hubs. We ate at Olive Garden and I ate too many breadsticks and too much salad and too much pasta and all of my little dolcini, but I didn't get popcorn at the movie and I only had a few sips of Hubs' pop and I chose Twizzlers as a candy and shared with Hubs and still have about half the package in my purse right now. Small steps.

* Saturday, I could feel that I wanted to sit home and eat...so I grabbed my son and we went to breakfast out where I got 3 pancakes and some bacon and only ate half of it. And then we went out shopping at yard sales all morning and into the afternoon. And I drank a lot of water and didn't snack on stupid things. I had just a couple bites of a shaved ice we got, and I logged it. I tried to be smart and I ended up having a really great time with my 14 year old and didn't spend too much money either.

* I have been bringing my lunch to work instead of buying anything. Frozen dinners aren't the most healthy, but they range from 250-500 calories, which means I can fit them into my day without really hurting my calorie goals. If I grabbed lunch from one of the local places, I could be pushing 800 calories for lunch (or more!).

* I did work yesterday during the day to drink my water...and maybe I did get there, but I doubt it. I didn't do so well AFTER work. Need to work on that. But I'm killing it at work! That's half my day right there when I'm doing the right thing and making good choices for myself.

* I'm planning out meals again. I did a meal plan for this week, stayed within my budget and am using Sparkrecipes to fill the gaps. Meals for the week include Casoulet (SparkRecipes - we had that Sunday), Cheesy Hamburger Casserole (SparkRecipes), Slow Cooker Creamy Italian Chicken (SparkRecipes), some crescent roll taco bake thing (also a SparkRecipe, I think), and Chili. I'm really trying to take the guess work out of this process. If I have a 200-500 calorie lunch, about the same for breakfast, and then a similar amount for dinner, that's a 1500 calorie day. Add in a few small snacks in between, maybe a "diet" dessert, and we're in the 2k range where I need to be right now.

*I'm still here. I'm checking in. Sometimes showing up is half the battle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WISHICOULDFLY 6/12/2014 6:40AM

    You're here and you have not given up. Focus on continuing to improve by doing well more frequently, not perfection. You will get where you want to be. You are strong! emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/11/2014 12:38PM

    I agree with the comment about letting go of the "bad" two days. Better to focus on all the things you're doing well!

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ALBURBRIDGE 6/11/2014 2:12AM

    You seem to have a lot on your plate right now. I'd recommend not focusing on the 2 days you didn't track and just letting it go. Focus on what you're doing now to be healthy. Writing those 2 days down might make you feel accountable but it also is just taking time out of your busy day and possibly making you feel bad. Your time might be better spent doing something that will help you stay on track in the next few days. Just a thought while I was reading your blog.

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/10/2014 7:09PM

    Showing up IS half the battle!!! Keep showing up girlie...I'm so proud of you for finding the things that you did right this past week! :-)

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MADDEELOU 6/10/2014 11:40AM

    I appreciate your honesty. That is half the battle right there. You have a plan and you did many positive things last week. Try to stay focused on those. You are going to win this battle. You showed up, didn't you?

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TKTMTA 6/10/2014 11:33AM

    emoticon

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JLAMING263 6/10/2014 11:19AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Week 1 Recap - Week 2 Goals

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

Week 1 Recap time!

SP Redux SW: 435.0 (5/28/14)
Goal for this week: 433.0
Actual for this Week: 430.2
Weight Lost this Week: 4.8 pounds!
Total Weight lost: 4.8 pounds!

Goals for this week:
emoticon Drink 8 glasses of water a day.

Pretty sure I nailed this one. #winning

emoticon Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals.

I did this at least 5 of the 7 days. I really started logging this weekend, and then carried it through to this week. I was over my calories a couple days, but usually not by much. The thing to focus on is that MOST of the time, I was UNDER my goals. #winning

emoticon Begin walking every day.

I started this on Monday. I've walked 2 days in a row. They aren't always long walks, but it's not the distance or speed that matters right now, it's the habit-forming. Planning on walking again today at lunch. Maybe I'll do a longer walk like I did Monday since I don't have my lunch buddy here to chat with beforehand.

emoticon Start every morning with at least 1 positive affirmation.

Today's Quote: "Always do your best. What you plan now, you will harvest later." - Og Mandino

emoticon Take starting measurements.

I totally forgot this morning. I have to make a note to do it tonight. (I have been keeping busy, though, so it's no surprise I haven't had time to remember this.)

emoticon Lose 2 pounds.

#winning ;)


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So, week one was successful, now on to week two. I'm sticking with most of the same goals and adding a couple new ones in because I know I need to challenge myself a little but I don't want to overwhelm myself.

SP Redux SW: 435.0 (5/28/14)
Weight Last Week: 430.2
Goal for this week: 428.2
Actual for this Week: ---
Weight Lost this Week: ---
Total Weight lost: 4.8 pounds!

Goals for this week:
emoticon Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
emoticon Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals.
emoticon Walk every day.
emoticon Start every morning with at least 1 positive affirmation.
emoticon Take starting measurements.
emoticon Lose 2 pounds.
emoticon Start doing some yoga/stretching. Yoga at least 2 days. Stretching as a habit before and after walking. (I need to pay special attention to my feet because I feel that lingering PF just waiting to rear its ugly head. Going to try to stay on top of it this time.)
emoticon At least 2 veggies and 1 fruit per day.

Here's to another week! Slowly, but surely.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 6/4/2014 6:50PM

    Woohoo on reaching your goals!!! You ROCK!!

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JEREMY723 6/4/2014 2:08PM

    Congrats on a great week 1 and here's to a great week 2:)

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SPUNKYDUCKY 6/4/2014 12:39PM

    You got some killer weight loss there girl! Love week one! And as far as I can tell you did it by listening to your body and not overdoing it - even better! Hope that week 2 brings you lots of reasons (scale or otherwise) to be proud of your efforts.

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ARUNNINGKAT 6/4/2014 12:32PM

    Congrats on the 4.8 lbs! That is awesome!

You are on track and I know that week 2 is going to be awesome!

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CHICAT63 6/4/2014 12:21PM

    Woohoo on the 4.8 pounds, awesome. Carry-on Sista ! emoticon

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WISHICOULDFLY 6/4/2014 12:20PM

    Awesome Week! emoticon You have the right mindset and it is showing in your results. emoticon

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ERIN1128 6/4/2014 12:11PM

    Woo hoo on the 4.8 lbs!!! And I love your attitude about how the distance doesn't necessarily matter right now, so much as forming the habit. WTG!

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MANLEYSANDY 6/4/2014 11:42AM

    You can do it!!

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Week 1 Check-In

Monday, June 02, 2014

So, the way I had this setup puts weigh-in on a Wednesday. I actually quite like that. There's so much pressure put on a Monday. I used to love the quote that said, "What kills a diet? Mondays." So, Wednesday it is. That means I haven't weighed in yet and don't know if any of what I'm doing is doing any good...but I'm doing it.

Quote for today:
“Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.” - J.R.R. Tolkien from The Hobbit

Goals for the Week:

emoticon Drink 8 glasses of water a day.
I've been doing pretty awesome at this. I don't think there's been one day I've missed my water intake. I'm pretty good about this when I think about it and I've been carrying around my Tupperware container that holds 32oz. Two of those and I know I'm good for the day.

emoticon Log all food and try to stay within calorie goals.
I have been logging my food. Except last night, which went a little crazy. (I learned I cannot trust myself with Taco Night right now.) For the most part, I've been staying within or going just barely over my goals. Every day it gets a little easier. (It's crazy how second nature this used to be and how hard it is to just retrain myself.)

emoticon Begin walking every day.
Today was my first day of this, and I had figured that would be the case. Had to work concessions for my son's baseball game on Saturday and then spent all day yesterday painting. But today I did just as I told a coworker I would and she joined me for a 25-minute walk. It was difficult (my back is so messed up right now), but it didn't kill me. Honestly, the hardest part was putting my shoes on. That sounds awful, but my right hip is completely out of whack and I have pretty much zero flexibility there right now. Working on that. Yoga might be a goal for next week. At least once or twice a week, if not every day.

emoticon Start every morning with at least 1 positive affirmation.
This is difficult...but I'm trying. Woke up super grumpy today because I had a horrible night's sleep last night (dumb back!), so today didn't exactly start too well.

emoticon Take starting measurements.
Quite honestly, I forgot. I'll try to remember sometime between now and Wednesday (or maybe just on Wednesday when I weigh in).

emoticon Lose 2 pounds.
Obviously, we don't know where I am with that, but I have my fingers crossed I'm taking the steps needed to get this back on track.

Things to note:

- I spent several hours in a concession stand serving hot dogs, nachos, candy, and pop, and the only thing I touched were 2 Airheads and a Diet Mt. Dew. The Diet Dew was out of desperation as we had run out of water hours before, and the Airheads I thought consciously about and logged them using the handy bar code scanner before I even ate them.

- Until last night, I hadn't binged or given up or given in or just plain "didn't care" all week.

- I brought my shoes and put them on and went for a walk.

- Hubs decided to take us all for ice cream the other night. While everyone else got Blizzards, I decided on a small dipped cone to save on calories. And I got within my calorie goals that day!

- I haven't really had much pop at all other than that Diet Mt. Dew and a drink of one of the kids' Vanilla Dr. Pepper Freezes from Taco Bell that I wanted to try because it's new. Water for the win!

On the other hand I'm exhausted and a little disheartened on how much fitness I've lost along the way. But I'm making good choices now and I know that in my heart and head so it's a little harder to handle my shortcomings when I know I'm doing my best to get back there.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SPUNKYDUCKY 6/3/2014 10:53PM

    Hello love - sooooooo happy to see you back and listening to your body. You are a courageous and strong woman and I am always here rooting for your happiness no matter what your weight is - sounds like you re off to a great start.

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KNOWMOREBBK 6/2/2014 9:51PM

    Smart choices! It will get easier to do those positive affirmations when you have a great plan in place!

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KELLIEBEAN 6/2/2014 6:14PM

    You are making some great choices and that is what is very important. Regardless what the scale says on Wednesday, you are on the right track and don't forget that.

Wednesday is a good day for a weigh-in for sure. Just don't take the scale too serioiusly. There are SO many variable that affect our weight. Keep making those healhty choices and keep moving.

You have a great plan in place!

emoticon


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MANLEYSANDY 6/2/2014 4:02PM

    I have been reading a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brenee Brown. I would definitely recommend it. One of the things she says is and I am paraphrasing right now, "it is just enough just to get up and get out of bed..." Everything you listed above is a positive affirmation.....I write these things in my journal or say everyday, "I will change" and "Believe in yourself"! It is absolutely a matter of retraining your brain to think more positive!

You can do it Ester!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 6/2/2014 3:22PM

    Sounds like you are doing great!! And I love your new background. :-)

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ARUNNINGKAT 6/2/2014 2:51PM

    emoticon It sounds like you are doing a great job sticking to your goals!

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ERIN1128 6/2/2014 2:23PM

    It sounds like you are on a good track! As for weigh-in, my day is Saturday because while I automatically roll out of bed and exercise during the week, I have a lot more trouble getting motivated on the weekend. So weighing in first thing kind of helps focus me. Keep up the good work...those little victories add up. :-)

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JEREMY723 6/2/2014 2:00PM

    In Sept. 2012 I ran a 1:46:05 half marathon. I just started running again on Saturday and can barely go 20 minutes. I'm also 25-30 pounds heavier. Discouraging, yes. But there's only one way to go from here!

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